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One of my best friends is 6 months pregnant and I'm going to her baby shower on Sunday. I know she has some AP-tendencies from the short talks I had with her. She had an Arms Reach Co-sleeper on her registry and her SIL bought it for her. I already ordered her "The Baby Book" a while back and the gift I'm bringing to the shower is a Moby Wrap.
I don't know how much we'll get to talk at the shower but we'll get together a couple of times afterward since we're both visiting Orlando for a while. I'm sure the topic of parenting advice will come up.
I'm wondering what I should focus on and how hard I should push the AP stuff. Assuming she's read The Baby Book, she should have had a good intro to AP. I know she wants to breastfeed. I'm thinking I should definitely mention how it's harder than a lot of new moms think, and make sure that she has a support system in place like LLL's # on speed dial, and tell her to take a class or attend a LLL meeting before the baby comes.
Other than that, I'm not sure what to tell her or how far to go. I don't want to sound preachy or pushy. She is a good friend, or at least she used to be. We don't talk very often any more but we were best friends from age 14-20 or so and we still keep in touch and I consider her a close friend despite the fact that we go 3-6 months without talking. I would love for her to hear some arguments against CIO, feeding on schedule, etc to counter-act the inevitable advice she's going to get to the contrary.
I think the best thing to do is lead by example and point her to some parenting websites, preferably ones that don't have long articles (because who has time to read long articles with a newborn? ).
The next friend I have who has a baby who's planning on BFing, I plan to make them a BFing Survival basket with breast pads, lanolin, those soothing gel pads, a rice bag in case she gets engorged, phone numbers list, and some good movies to watch when she's nursing. And probably some joke stuff too. Sure would've made me happy. I got a lot of bottles at my shower.
If you guys are friends and can talk...I would just tell her the truth. It won't be preachy if you are coming at in a friendly way.
Just say something like "I know you are gonna get tons of "advice" on how to do things with your baby. It can be so hard to trust yourself when people are telling you all these things. But if you need a sounding board or someone to talk about something, I am here for you. If you want, I can give you a list of websites that are really informative."
And then you can give her the sites you like for AP parenting. It is really hard to give new mom's advice in general. Since they have no clue what they are in for and it all seems to overwhelming at first. Add that to the fact that there are going to be others "giving advice" that involves bottles, screaming, and against-instincts stuff. I think most new moms struggle with that "instinct versus 'the right way'" conflict.
Open the conversation and see where she leads it. You might not have to be "preachy" because she might be really curious as to what to do. I think you being realistic (if you are in real life like you are on here) will help matters. I have never heard you seem to be "all knowing" or like "your way is the highway." And you don't sugar coat things that you are struggling with. I think all that will make you an approachable role model in parenting. I know I listen WAY more to the folks who seem as unsure as I am than the ones who "know it all."
^I love the idea of a breastfeeding basket. I might steal that one for future showers
I would not push any type of parenting on her. Instead, I would answer her questions if she asks for the advice. You can use your parenting as an example. For example, if she brings up CIO, tell her what you did with your child.
Friend: "What are your thoughts on CIO?"
You: "I do not believe in it. I got Juliana to sleep by..."
Friend: "What about co-sleeping?"
You: "Co-sleeping is good if...You may want to avoid it if...."
It comes across as friendly advice rather than preaching how someone should parent.
To add to PPs I would make sure you let her know that you are available to talk about parenting, giving examples of your parenting, you can give her information if she'd like and to point her towards AP type forums or websites where she can get information. I'd also let her know how excited you are that she'll be breastfeeding and you should tell her that you're available to talk whenever she needs to about breastfeeding and maybe try to find her some resources down where she lives.
You could also make up a little print out of things like how many cloth diapers a baby needs from birth to 1 year, what to put in a breastfeeding basket by a chair for when she's nursing (water bottle, luna bar, pillow, magazine, etc), helpful tips on if you run into a nursing problem (and say if, don't say when so she doesn't think that she'll run into a problem, that puts doubt in her before she even starts). You could also print out the baby poop chart (there is one on the ineternet) so she doesn't get nervous when her baby's poo is bright yellow.
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Mama to G, L & twins F & M
Started off 2013 homebirthing suprise twins Fia Celesta & Maddalena Isabella
Honestly I didn't know I was going to be AP before I had Maddie. I assumed eventually we would do all the horrible stuff like CIO because I had never really heard of or thought about different ways than the 'traditional' parenting that I heard everyone around me talking about. I think that I would just approach it by asking her ideas and opinions about certain things. Or asking her if there is anything she is curious about or wonders about. I know I feel more comfortable talking with close friends about issues that I wouldn't talk to other people about.
I also love the idea of the nursing basket! I also got a lot of bottles and things at my showers even though I hadn't put any on the registry (in fact I put nursing/ pumping items on there and didn't get any!) and was pretty up front about the fact that I was planning on nursing.
My best friend follows AP. During her pregnancy I figured she would follow this way since she was so interested in my babywearing. I didn't ever offer advice but rather answered questions she asked of me honestly. I passed on articles about studies and such that I thought she would be interested in. Our best conversations about AP though have been since the baby was born.
All I can say is, 'the happiest baby on the block' book totally changed my outlook on CIO. I <3 that book.
Talking to a particular group of my PR friends (from JM), we talk in chat on FB together, really changed my outlook on a lot of things and honestly, has shaped my parenting lol. I really "look up" to them.
All I can say is, 'the happiest baby on the block' book totally changed my outlook on CIO. I <3 that book.
Talking to a particular group of my PR friends (from JM), we talk in chat on FB together, really changed my outlook on a lot of things and honestly, has shaped my parenting lol. I really "look up" to them.
Having my son changed my outlook on many things! Hubby's too, for that matter. Before we had Billy, Dh said the baby is going to sleep in his crib, not in our bed. Well, guess who has gone on several occasions to bring the little guy to our bed because he woke up crying.
I thought Billy would be in bed at 8 every night because that is what "good" parents do. I have to lol at myself with that one. If I put Billy to bed at 8 he will be up at 1 am without a doubt.
I have a question for you. Were you the one on the heated debates board who said you planned on CIOing?
I know what you mean about old friends who you still feel close to, I have many!
If it were me and we still had that level of a relationship, I would just ask her outright if she planned on doing CIO or anything. I would be frank and honest about my feelings and urge her to follow her instincts when the baby comes.
If you don't want to sound preachy then don't say anything until asked. Let her know that you are happy to talk if she needs it and then wait for her to seek your advice.
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Mommy to Madeline Elise 
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