[KiwiMommy]

I will say, SO is very sweet with Ashlynn. He adores her like a father would (he's not her bio father), checks on her multiple times after she's in bed and they watch shows together on occasion. He's great when playing with her too.
But he's also not exactly the best when it comes to punishments. Ash has gotten to this awful stage where she wants to get into everything..when he catches her he will raise his voice, take whatever she got into and slap her hand. I've asked numerous times "Please don't slap her hands. She's two, she doesn't understand" but more often than not I find myself soothing a toddler who is upset because she got yelled at and got her hands slapped.
When we go for a nap (Ash and I), if she's being stubborn and won't listen, he will come in and pick her up and none to gently put her in the bed. I've started practically begging her to behave because I know he's just trying to help, but it just scares her. When he comes in, she starts panicking and trying to run over to me. Breaks my heart.
And then there's spitting..she's started to spit when she's angry and he pinches her cheek when she does...again, drives me crazy and I've asked him to stop. No luck.
Earlier, she tried to swat at him (I was at a Dr's appt and didn't want to bring her out in the rain since we walk to the bus stop, then from the bus stop near the office to the office) and he picked her up (upside down, apparently?) and put her in her room for a few minutes.
Then he proudly tells me she behaves better for him. Of course she does..he makes her nervous!
He's never actually hurt her or anything, but I don't like her getting so upset and I hate seeing her freak out when he catches her doing something she shouldn't.
Anyone have any ideas on getting him on an AP level for discipline? He was raised being hit often, so he's not nearly as bad as he could be, but he still doesn't get it. He thinks that fear is how you get a child to behave and that "respect" is a joke.
I know he's trying to help most of the time, though he gets angry sometimes and that's why he's so angry with her, but I don't think he understands that it just makes things worse..even if she does behave.


And another thing before I forget.. On the topic of getting into things.. HOW do I keep Ashlynn out of the kitchen aside from a kitchen gate? Every morning she will go find something in there to get into.. This AM it was Parmesan cheese....which is now decorating my carpet. I leave the room after throwing a pan on the back burner to boil water, go to the bathroom and she will be trying to get the food off the burner! She took a hot dog out of (thankfully) cold water on the burner set to medium..She could have seriously hurt herself. All in the span of a minute while I peed. I nearly had a heart attack when she proudly showed me the hot dog. She doesn't ask..she just grabs things. It's scary and I'm so done with it.. I can't stare at the burner the entire time.. I have to pee, or clean.. and it takes 5 seconds for her to run in there with a bucket, step stool, etc and get to the burner or even the back of the counter. She's eaten our butter multiple times, played with spices..etc. "Ashlynn, that is HOT! You'll get a boo boo" does nothing. "That is a no-touch" also does nothing.. We're considering a gate for the sake of her safety and my sanity..but I don't want it a permanent thing.

[mgm78]

OMG! I would NOT be ok with that at all!!!!!!!! He needs to know that it is NOT acceptable by any means. also, maybe get him to read the Dr Sears discipline book or something? In there he talks about a YES environment, where it is properly childproofed so you do not have to constantly say no. put locks on all the cabinets, except one which is hers to play in with safe items. if you make the house child friendly, you will not be constantly saying no to her. also, what he needs to do is have realistic expectations for her age, a lot of times DH gets upset with DD and i am like, she is three, this is totally normal and your expectations are way too high.

[KiwiMommy]

SO totally doesn't understand what to expect from her. Prior to us moving in together, he had only seen her a day or two in a row at a time, or even as little as a few hours in a day.
I've explained that we need to make everything "safe" for her.. actually, I tell him multiple times daily and when she put a small hairline scratch in his Call Of Duty game that ruined it, I just told him that if he left it up higher where she didn't see it, it'd be perfectly okay... he was warned. Since that incident, he's taken to cleaning up a lot better. The counter thing is new.. a week or two at most..and he's slowly adjusting to that. Good news is everything was cleaned off the counters last night, so no spice mishaps
I can try to get him to read a book, but I don't think he'd take me seriously with a book on AP. I'm not sure how to confront the situation when it arises without making Ashlynn think that SO has no authority over her because Mommy will step in.. if that makes sense. I feel if I say "Don't do that" to him too often, she will think that she doesn't need to listen to him at all and it'll just cause more problems.

[Jule'sMomInOR]

Definitely get him to read a book! Honestly I found the Discipline Book to be dry but maybe there are others that would be a more enjoyable read. He definitely needs to adjust his expectations.

As far as the kitchen stuff, can you take her with you when you pee? I know it does not sound desirable but I still do that with Juliana (partly because she doesn't like to be left alone and partly because I don't want her getting into stuff).

[KMH]

Oh wow...I would not be okay with what SO is doing, either! I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I don't have any great advice, but I'm sending you hugs, and hope you two can get onto the same page soon.

I also take Claire with me when I pee. It isn't ideal, but that way I can keep an eye on her. It is also getting her interested in the potty...she watches me and we talk about what I'm doing so she will hopefully do it one day

[breathing for two]

I would start by explaining to him that being consistent with your method will help her behaviour a lot more than both parents pulling opposite directions. I would explain that what you do is much much better in the longterm. I'm assuming if he's the gamer type he doesn't read much, but maybe if you could find a good video that highlights the benefits of AP you might get through to him.
Good luck!
I wish I had advice about your kitchen, except to watch her like a hawk and constantly redirect.

[miamor]

i think explaining to him that you should both be consistent with the discipline is great advice. if you dont tell him a book is AP friendly, he'll never know. just say "this is what i'm trying to follow. please read it so we can be on the same page" and explain to him how beneficial it is. and if you have to tell him that he's scaring her, then you have to tell him that. parenting with fear is just wrong.
i hope two can come to see eye to eye on this.
and as for trips to the bathroom. i still take carlos with me also.

[KiwiMommy]

Ashlynn usually accompanies me to the bathroom, but there have been times that I make an important phone call (like the Dr's office) and her yelling "Mommy mommy mommy" isn't feasible, so I have to leave the room. Just little things where I can't have her right next to me.. the bathroom was an example.
I did say "She listens for you because she's SCARED." yesterday and he almost seemed proud of that fact..then he told me "Well yeah, but she listens for me better than she listens for you." Ugh. Of course she does..she's scared of you. But when she listens to me, she does it because she wants to make mommy happy and wants to listen..not because she's scared of anything.

[*Jennifer*]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. You really need to put your foot down with your SO. It is not good for your daughter to have the adults in her life inconsistent with the discipline.

Hopefully you two can get on the same page for the sake of your daughter.


ETA: I just realized you are pregnant. Even more reason to come to an agreement on discipline techniques. Hope everything works out.

*I hope I didn't come off as too rough. I know putting your foot down is easier said than done.*

[ashj_1218]

DH and I have some differences in parental tactics as well. And I find myself correcting his discipline sometimes. One thing I did learn is that I never, ever do it in front of Liam. Even though he is little, he still understands that I am undermining him (I think) and therefore if I have a beef with something he did....I say "we are gonna chat about his later " and then do so after Liam goes to bed. That way Ashlynn will not know you are "rescuing" her or undermining him. So it doesn't create that dynamic. KWIM?

I think a big part of it is how they were raised. DH was raised by a woman who used emotional warfare to get the kids to behave and who had no problem undermining her husband when it came to parenting. They were very "you WILL do this!" and there were no other options. And they were just told NO for no reason. Just because they were the parents and the kids were the kids. So if your SO had a family that used physical means and fear to get the kids to listen, it I going to be a matter of "retraining" him.

I would make a quick cheat sheet on the fridge (I did this) for the big things that matter to you. Aka: when you say no, mean it (my DH is classic for saying no and then giving in after Liam whines for a minute and it drives me batty). If ash gets into something she shouldn't have...we redirect, no slapping. Etc, etc. It might sound silly, but I am finding it works pretty well with DH. I think seeing it in black and white...simple terms helps him remember the main things that matter to me. And if he has a problem with one of them, I explain why it is important.

Part of what helps me is that DH does not want to raise the boys like he was raised. So if your SO has any of that, it will be easier for you. If not, you might have your work cut out for you.

As for the getting into stuff....I dunno. Liam is a huge wrecking ball lately (thankfully he can't get into stuff that can hurt him), so I m right there with you. I would put up a gate til she gets out of the stage. We shut the sliding door to the kitchen when I need him out of there. It is just easier for me to get my stuff done when I know even if he is destroying something, it is a safe something (his stuffed animals bin, getting water all over the bathroom, ripping apart the diaper cabinet, etc). She will get out of it...eventually! Lol.

[Purrrrrrr]

The next time it happens, you should take him aside, look him dead in the eye and audibly whisper, "I don't want you doing that ever again." If he tries to talk back say, "I've spoken my piece. Respect my wishes."

And then come back to him after a few minutes and say, "Wasn't that more effective than swatting your hand and saying, "'No?'" I guarantee you'll make a bigger impression on him that way than any parenting handout you give him. If she's doing something dangerous, tell him to get down on her level and do the same thing you just did to him. No yelling. No swatting. Just tell her exactly what it is you want her not to do and tell her to repeat it back, but she's still a baby, so it'll take reminding... a lot.

As for the kitchen, I don't know... I have a very wide opening into the kitchen and no gate is gonna fit that, so I just recently blocked off a section for him to play in while I do stuff so he's not running into me and getting into dangerous cutlery and stuff.

Originally Posted by Purrrrrrr

The next time it happens, you should take him aside, look him dead in the eye and audibly whisper, "I don't want you doing that ever again." If he tries to talk back say, "I've spoken my piece. Respect my wishes."

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I would NOT be ok with that at all. If I was you, and he KEPT doing this AFTER I said the above or something similar I would take further action. That is not acceptable. I really hope you two can find a common ground. Big hugs to you.

[Cruiser]

I wouldn't be ok with that either. Not in the slightest. It's not fair for her to be afraid of an adult she has to live with! I actually really enjoyed the Discipline Book, I didn't find it dry at all. But if he's not a reader he likely won't read anything you shove in front of him. I have no advice, just a lot of sympathy.

As for the kitchen, I never ever ever ever ever leave my DD in the kitchen with the stove on, not for a second! That's just an accident waiting to happen. Wait to pee, or take her with you.

[KiwiMommy]

She wasn't in the kitchen when I left it. She ran in there the second I got out of sight because she wanted her hot dog. I panicked. Haven't turned the burner on without being in view of it since. She understands what HOT means so i don't know why it didn't click that the stove is hot.

[mgm78]

it took the hard way for my DD to learn the true meaning of hot when she touched a fry pan can you also use the back burners, so she cannot reach them?

[KiwiMommy]

I had been using the back burner. Little monster ran to her room, found her art desk's seat and used it as a step stool. I've considered tossing that seat even though I love it. We can't allow it outside of her bedroom anymore because all she does with it is uses it to reach things she shouldn't touch. But I turn my back and she runs out with it.. If she can't grab it quickly enough, a storage container from the top of her toy box works too apparently.

[HappyHippy]

Yeah that would not fly at all in my house, even with DH being the bio dad. Violence is violence here and that is not what we value in teaching our kids. I would put your foot down, even though SO thinks of her as his own YOU are still the mother and you set the boundaries.

I'd have a serious heart to heart with him and if he can't stop his behavior then you need to come up with a punishment for that. Maybe he needs to leave the household for awhile or something like that. You need to let him know that you are serious about not hitting your child.

As for keeping kids out of the kitchen, you can buy these things to put on your cabinets so kids can't get in them.

[mgm78]

yeah, DD is really into the step stool as well. once when i took a minute long shower, she took the stepstool from her bed and brought it into the kitchen and started cutting up a pan of brownies with a paring knife

[KiwiMommy]

Ashlynn snuck out with her stool today and ripped a hole in our loaf of bread so she could pull pieces out. *sigh* I thought I had everything back and she's never shown interest in loaves of bread either. Go figure. This age drives me bonkers. I have no idea where to put things like bread.. guess I'll be finding a spare cabinet! I'm making banana bread tonight and if she gets into that, SO may cry. It's his favorite snack.

[*Jennifer*]

How about making a little loaf of banana bread for her too? That way she gets her own to play with and eat.