We pride ourselves on having the friendliest
and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment
and register
for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers.
If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.
Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!
I will probably come off as a cold hearted mother, but I hope you can look past that to see the real frustration at what I think is an impossible situation.
My story starts at 16 when I got pregnant after being abused by my partner. He dropped the baby when he was three days old and he died, causing me grief that continues to this day. I dont wish to tell the full story here (not yet anyway) but that is my background.
I broke free from that horror to find a wonderful partner and we had twins who are nearly one year old and a week ago our son Jaylen was born. At the same time as my sister had her son, who is yet unnamed. She literally holds him 24/7 and lives for him. I dont, I didnt for the twins either. I let my husband bottlefeed our kids and sometimes he holds them so they lie against his chest while resting against his arm, so facing away from him. We try to split the feeding in half between ourselves and I breastfeed. She wont even let her husband feed her son, feels to me he is missing out on so much...
Can you explain more about what is the "impossible situation"? I am confused. It sounds like you and your sister do things differently but if everybody is happy, what's the problem?
I am very sorry for the loss of your first child, that sounds absolutely horrible.
She is a bit of a hermit... She asked the grandparents not to visit until christmas and as farcas lm aware baby doesnt see anyone but his parents. This concerns me a great deal and l shared those concerns but she explained she will do things her way. What she does and describes sounds very much like ap parenting which is how l ended up here
And at the same time she makes me doubt my choices very much... Im not a structured parent l just blundered through it
First of all. ((HUGE HUGS)) to you! You are not a bad mother!
Wow, 1 year old twins and a newborn!! You do what works for you. Period. Forget about what everyone else is doing.
I am sooo sorry for your loss and what you went through in that relationship. I'm happy you have been blessed with a wonderful partner and 3 beautiful children. I'm sure they are loved and well cared for and that's what really matters.
I went through a lot of difficult situations before I became a mother and they absolutely affect how I parent so I think understand a little at least what you're struggling with. I'm sure you are still grieving and that has a lot to do with how you're feeling right now. Plus the postpartum hormones probably aren't helping.
What I had to realize is that my children are *my* children. They are my responsibility and what they need most is a loving, responsive and well adjusted mother. If giving them that means that I have to do things differently than everyone else and not follow all the advice from the books, then that's what I have to do. While I can't let my grief make decisions for me, I also can't deny it's influence in my choices.
I exclusively BF my babies and I also pumped so my husband could feed them too. It was important to me for him to be as involved as possible. And now that I'm expecting twins myself I'm sure I'll have to do things the same way for them. I don't have enough hands to care for 4 children without help.
I'll admit that when my first baby came home I was extremely protective of her. I did let my husband care for her as much as possible but rarely left them alone. I'd sit in the room and watch him feed and change her. I'm sure he didn't really appreciate that but at the time it was what I needed to do for my own sanity. He understood and since then we've both relaxed a little.
For the record, I don't think your sister is necessarily being a clingy mom either. I think she's probably just doing what she needs to do for herself as a new mother right now.
Btw... Welcome!
__________________ Audrey ~Daughter of the Most High King
~Wife to my Best Friend
~Mother of Miracles
Should l worry that she has no lue what to name him? To me my...intinct? Tells me she wants to push him back and be pregnant forever. But l cant comment even if her choices worry me very much. Also after reading all l could find. About ap in an effort to understand her, l feel completely bewildered about some ol it. How do l support her as a new mom when my instincts yell at me that its just wrong...
Well, as far as naming the baby, that has nothing to do with AP! But I am sure she will come up with a good one eventually. I know a family that called their 4th one Unit 4 for like a year before coming up with a name. The baby certainly doesn't care yet It can be frustrating for the family though, I imagine!
As far as AP goes, a brand new newborn simply cannot be held "too much" and if the mom wants to breastfeed from the breast exclusively, that is completely healthy and fine. What do you think people did 500 years ago? It is natural and normal. Of course these days we have lots more options, but if she doesn't need or want those options, she doesn't have to use them. I only breastfed my baby, no bottles, and my husband never fed her until she started solids. I would tell him "you feed the baby by feeding me!" And he would bring me drinks and snacks and cuddle with us while I breastfed. It worked well for our family. And my baby was in someone's arms 99% of the time including sleeping with me at night (I was a light sleeper and not on any drugs or alcohol, and kept a safe sleep space with nothing covering her). She has been slowly spending more sleep time alone in her bed since she was about 8 months old and I still breastfeed her a lot. She is extremely large, healthy, robust, and outgoing and adventurous. At 14 months old she goes down big kid slides at the park by herself. Many people think AP means not letting the kid be independent, but it is not true. By establishing a strong mother-baby bond in infancy, you can set the stage for independence to naturally unfold. This is my experience anyway. AP has been a very inspiring thing for me as a mother and I really believe in its benefits.
I don't mean to make you feel bad if you do not follow AP yourself, after all love is the most important thing and kids are very flexible and resilient. But perhaps like many people, you have some misconceptions about AP. Perhaps your sister wants to do things her own way without your family's judgements and attitudes affecting her. I think if you want to support her, try to understand her feelings and her philosophy, don't just give her your opinions. When you do talk about yourself, be real with her about how you have struggled and "muddled through". It may open the door for you and her to be able to talk about these things. I think you obviously care about her and want to help. I think letting that show through while downplaying your worries would help you communicate with her.
Good luck and please feel free to ask any specific AP questions you have!!!
I don't think you need to worry at all. I know reading about AP can be confusing and overwhelming but forget about all that. What AP ultimately comes down to is following your instincts. That's what you're doing and that's what your sister is doing. Your instincts are just telling you to do different things and that's ok. You have different experiences to draw from. It makes sense that you would have different opinions about things.
The name thing doesn't worry me. Actually I have a fear that these twins won't be named for several months after they're born just because we're having such a hard time coming up with names we like. Maybe that's her issue too. Eventually she'll have to decide on something. Your nephew won't go nameless for his whole life. And it won't really matter when he's an adult that he didn't have a name for the first few weeks. In fact in some cultures they purposely delay naming their children for a week or more for religious or ceremonial reasons. Obviously doesn't negatively affect them or they wouldn't do it.
Can I ask what specifically about AP bothers you so much? Don't worry. I'm not trying to convert you or anything. It just might help us understand and give you better advice.
Just be forewarned, this is an Attachment Parenting group so we're going to have opinions that are very supportive of that practice. But my experience here so far is that we're open minded enough to give advice and information that's not judgmental.
__________________ Audrey ~Daughter of the Most High King
~Wife to my Best Friend
~Mother of Miracles
Most. Random. Post. ever? Why are you posting this on the AP board?
I think because her sister is trying to do AP and she doesn't understand it and it makes her worried, so she wants to learn more about AP. I think?? It may be hard for us to understand her concern since we all do AP and love it.
My troll-dar is on alert, that's all. Maybe it's over-active
Eh, if she was trolling I think she would have been replying on this thread more or being more offensive... she mainly seems confused... it never hurts to consider the possibility of course, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt!
Most. Random. Post. ever? Why are you posting this on the AP board?
Wow, sorry for asking I was just in need of some simple answers after reading about AP for two whole days. If I may point out, I just said "I dont get it" not "I think its stupid" and I dont get it because I have a whole other approach. I just got into this because my sister is doing it and I was/am concerned. No troll in sight, show me where I insult someone?
With AP I mainly have problems with some of the tips that I read on other websites, like never let your husband feed the baby. Im sorry but isnt he missing out then? How do you do that when you wish to get frisky with your husband when your baby/child sleeps in your bed? Do you socialize your baby by letting others hold him and if not, like one site said was a bad idea, why dont you? How do you AP a twin? How would I try AP with two kids of a year and a newborn? What is so bad about a stroller, because I know mine love stretching in it and moving in it? How do you avoid separation anxiety when you tell your child "you are only safe with me" as my sister is doing? Am I a bad mother because sometimes my baby cries before he gets fed? Am I a bad mother because my newborn sleeps in his cot and not frequently with me even if I do hold him very often?
If those are disrespecting question then I apologize, I dont mean to offend anyone. I will quote my title "I just dont get it" ... but I would like to "get it".
Quote:
I think if you want to support her, try to understand her feelings and her philosophy
Which is what I am trying to do here. But things seem a litle sensitive between us she takes things wrong, I take things wrong... I thought it best to just talk to other people.
__________________
Last edited by Bills other half; August 19th, 2012 at 03:33 AM.
Reason: spelling errors and added last bit
Yep, dingdingding. You come to an AP board criticizing your sister's parenting of her WEEK OLD BABY. Week old babies don't need to go on playdates and to the mall and out for dinner. Breastfeeding relationships are far more likely to succeed if you don't introduce a bottle until much later on, like 6 weeks, not 6 days. Week old babies benefit from near-constant contact with their parents, mom especially. Some moms are barely even out of the hospital at a week.
Sorry. You don't actually want to get it, you want to continue to do things your way and think she's wrong. So go continue to think she's wrong, and raise your children as you see fit.
You have no clue about me so I'd appreciate you getting off my back thank you. May I advise you to re-read my post dingdingding???
I do not TAKE my youngest on playdates now who is rude to who? I have NOT described in detail my parenting yet you judge me because I dont do things your way. Your post REEKS of judgement of me yet SHOW me where I dont WANT to understand??? I ask questions also related to ME trying AP but Im sorry, Im an unfit mother to begin with right?
Again, get off my back. I am not judgemental towards you so I'd appreciate it, "dingdingding" that you show me some COURTESY and actually TALK to me instead of replying feeling all high and mighty. "dingdingding"
Oh and to avoid hassle, know that I will no longer reply to anything you post no matter how insulting you get. Because you are wrong about me and apparently have no wish to reconsider.
__________________
Last edited by Bills other half; August 19th, 2012 at 04:16 AM.
You have 3 kids under the age of 1? How in the world do you have time to notice someone else's parenting, much less criticize it?
Everyone parents differently. Unless your sister is putting her child in danger (and it doesn't sound like she is), just leave her be. She is a new Mama trying to find her way and doing what feels natural to her. She needs to have the space and time to get to know her baby and decide what will work best for her family.
__________________
Thank you peimum for my amazing siggy
I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE IS DOING FOR ****S SAKE
Sorry but I came here with good intentions to be greeted with this? Someone who just asks questions is to be shot down a troll? yeah honey go teach your kids that attitude, everyone different is BAD right? It will go a long way ...
I make time for other things, i dont live for my kids and in doing so I am a better parent than most. That comes from my therapist, not me and I really do believe letting Jaylens daddy bond with him isnt hurting my baby. Or my husband...
Let me try to answer your specific questions here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bills other half
With AP I mainly have problems with some of the tips that I read on other websites, like never let your husband feed the baby. Im sorry but isnt he missing out then? How do you do that when you wish to get frisky with your husband when your baby/child sleeps in your bed? Do you socialize your baby by letting others hold him and if not, like one site said was a bad idea, why dont you? How do you AP a twin? How would I try AP with two kids of a year and a newborn? What is so bad about a stroller, because I know mine love stretching in it and moving in it? How do you avoid separation anxiety when you tell your child "you are only safe with me" as my sister is doing? Am I a bad mother because sometimes my baby cries before he gets fed? Am I a bad mother because my newborn sleeps in his cot and not frequently with me even if I do hold him very often?
"Never let your husband feed the baby." I assume this is in the context of exclusive breastfeeding from the breast? If baby is taking bottles for whatever reason, it is obviously fine for dad to give bottles too. But there are real medical benefits to breastfeeding, the AAP recommends breastfeeding at least one year, and the best way to establish a good supply in the early weeks is for baby to get all feeds at the breast. In many people's opinion, the importance of establishing a good supply and latch in the early weeks far outweighs any benefit of dad getting to feed the baby.
Other people holding the baby. I find it hard to believe an AP website said that only mom should hold the baby. The main AP tip is that newborns should be held as much as possible. Dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, etc all work too and it is a great thing to give mom a break to go to the bathroom, shower, eat, etc.
How would you AP twins/3 under 3? With help!!! Lol. And good baby carriers. With toddlers, AP becomes more about gentle discipline and understanding your child's developmental stage, not carrying them 24/7. With infant twins, there are many challenges but the point would just be to bond with them as well as possible. It is impossible to prevent any crying whatsoever but the point is "belief in baby's cries", not ignoring the crying but trying to fix whatever is making them cry as best you can, and if nothing else at least they know you are there caring about them even if you can't fix it.
Strollers are not bad but I really prefer carrying, esp with babies under 1. You feel their little body on you and can talk softly to them and they relax against you so much. When the world is too much for them they snuggle against you and hide. It is very sweet. I am not anti stroller but I do love baby wearing. I have an Ergo carrier that we have gotten the most use of out of anything.
Does the strong bonding cause separation anxiety? Separation anxiety is normal for all babies! But in my experience, my AP baby has extremely low separation anxiety or stranger anxiety, she loves new people and goes right up to them often. Whereas my SILs non-AP kids are very very shy and clingy. I honestly think that because she will let them cry themselves to sleep, they feel insecure a lot and that is a part of why they cling and fear everyone. My baby has never been left to cry alone in a crib, never slept in a crib at all, and she has very little fear. Personality is the majority of it though, my baby has always had a big outgoing personality.
You are not a bad mother. If you are holding your baby a lot, you are already sort of AP without knowing it AP is really about doing what your mother instincts feel is right for your baby!
I am not sure why you are concerned about your sisters parenting style when her child is a week old. She doesn't have a parenting style yet...her kid is A WEEK OLD! That point is "honeymoon period" of having your first child. Frankly, I would be concerned if someone didn't sit around and love on their new baby for the first week of its life. Including constant breastfeeding (to establish supply and feed on demand), constantly bring held (to help with body temperature regulation and help mama develop even more feel-good hormones toward her baby). Her husband doesn't need to feed the baby to be connected to him. There are MANY other things he can do to bond with his newborn son (including cuddling him chest-to-chest, giving baths, changing diapers, dressing the baby, and talking to him).
And that is not saying you're a bad mother. I am sure you aren't. It just sounds like you are a little threatened by the way your sister is choosing to spend her time with her child and are second-guessing if your way is really the "better way."
But in the end, there is no "right way." you do what you want to. She does what she wants to. Even if you don't understand it, after spending two days reading about it. AP is instinctive parenting. Which means she is functioning off her instincts right now. Which is what she should be doing.
Just be open-minded. It's not about labeling the parenting style. It's about supporting how your sister wants to raise her son.
And here are some "answers to your other concerns"
-Dads can get attached to baby in other ways than feeding, hence they don't need to feed baby to get attached (see above suggestions).
-Sex is not just for the bedroom. Having a child sleep in your bed does not automatically ruin ones sex life. Unless one lets it.
-Babies don't need to be socialized at a week old. Or six months old. They are socialized through everyday interactions with their parents. Not to mention when they go to stores, go outside, or visit relatives. Holding is not synonymous with socialization. Children are hard wired to socialize as they age and once the baby is moving around (crawling, walking) he will get all the socialization he needs.
-APing twins is much like APing one baby. There just had to be different accommodations and more assistance. An extra mattress on the floor for cosleeping, a husband to bring a second baby for nursing, two carriers to wear baby instead of one. And a huge extra dose of patience. But it's possible and has been done by many people.
-Again, AP is perfectly compatible with multiple small children. It is all about patience and willingness to make it work. It doesn't mean you wear all three of them at the same time. Or nurse them all together. Or never put any of them down. It just means you respond to them lovingly when they need it (aka: as quickly as possible) and make arrangements in your life to make AP easier.
-Strollers are not the devil. They are fine. Most of us have occassions when we use them. But Babywearing is great too. It allows a little one-on-one time and (surprise) social interaction because baby is involved in the activity at a height where everyone else is. Long walks are great in a stroller. Or if baby is a toddler and wants to hop in and out. Its not all-or-nothing with AP.
-Your sister is NOT teaching her child "you are only safe with me." she is teaching him "I am always here for you and will never abandon you." Separation anxiety is a fact of life with kids. No matter how you parent. Its a normal phase. Avoiding it isn't possible. Some kids handle it better than others. And shockingly, maybe to you, it's the kids whose parents are more on the AP spectrum who handle it better. Because they know their parents are always there and always going to comfort them.
Clearly you have some misgivings about your current or past parenting style, since you say "am I a bad mom?" frequently. A mom is not "bad," if she responds to her children with love and does what is best for the child. Kids cry, babies can sleep fine in their bed with no detriment. But they are lifestyle choices that your sister is not choosing to make. You need to be accepting of her style. Differences is what makes the world go round.
