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Mayim Bialik Files for Divorce, claims AP not the reason


Forum: Attachment Parenting

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  • 2 Post By ashj_1218
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  #1  
January 30th, 2013, 11:49 AM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Mayim Bialik, Michael Stone 'Putting Kids First' After Divorce

I have to wonder ...

The former "Blossom" star filed for divorce from Stone two months ago after nine years of marriage. The pair have two sons together -- Miles, 7, and Frederick, 4. Some speculated that her parenting style, attachment parenting, factored into the split -- an accusation that Bialik firmly denied on her blog.


She has really hard-core AP, as in no date nights or babysitters EVER. Her book made it sound like her marriage was so tight. I guess not.

Oh and I love how they call it her "bizarre" parenting style.
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  #2  
January 30th, 2013, 12:18 PM
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Hmmm. Truly I think that it could be difficult to be in a partnership where the spouse was that avid about anything in life.

I know she goes pretty deeply into AP and I imagine that seven years worth if no dates, no sitters, no sleeping without the kids might be hard for someone who is not 100% devoted to the same lifestyle. Frankly, even being 100% devoted, I think most parents need some kind of break for their sanity and maybe that was a sticking point in their marriage. Unfortunately, I think that by not compromising a bit on something like that might have served to do more harm than good. Divorce isn't easy on kids and it would be even harder if mom and dad had differing styles of parenting that only came out after the split. I imagine that could be pretty confusing.

Obviously, it might have had nothing to do with it. But I am guessing it had parts of it. You can't ignore a relationship for that long and put it constantly on the back burner and expect it to thrive and flourish.

But again, I am not as devoted to AP as she is. And am cool with that. I would suffer an emotional breakdown if I didn't get away from my kids at least once every couple weeks.

I actually didn't read the "bizarre" part. But it wouldnt load the slide show for me either.
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  #3  
January 30th, 2013, 12:58 PM
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I actually really like her, and I REALLY liked her book. Even the parts that as I read I thought, 'No way in hell, I'd do that!' were really neat to learn from.

I've never been divorced, and my parents are still married, so I don't know much about it. I would speculate though that anytime parents get divorced after being married for that long, their parenting is at least partly responsible (not the children at all, just how they choose to parent them)
Like said above, even being on the same page, not finding a way to nourish a relationship it eventually shrivels up and dies.
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  #4  
January 30th, 2013, 01:55 PM
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I hate that she is this high profile ambassador for AP. This is why people are anti-AP or think it is crazy. She clearly had zero sense of balance with integrating child rearing and married life into a workable family life, and now her marriage is over. I have only ever read her MSNBC blog but I felt like if she was the first intro to AP that I had, I would say "not for me". Isn't she supposed to be a scientist too? Like she has a PhD in molecular biology or something? But she is sooooo anti mainstream medicine and cherry picks research like crazy. I guess she bothers me on multiple levels
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  #5  
January 30th, 2013, 02:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post

But I am guessing it had parts of it. You can't ignore a relationship for that long and put it constantly on the back burner and expect it to thrive and flourish.


There will always be that one person that has something happen high profile with kids and then their parenting style will be "analyzed" and now everyone AP is looked down upon. Ugh.

AP is very mentally demanding, IMO. It is not for everyone, nor is every style of parenting. But I do think that the parents need to have time together too. Yes the kids come first but you have to remember it was you and him before them and it will be you and him after them so do not allow your spouse to feel left out.

I am VERY attached to Drake, but I know that sometimes DH needs just me and vise versa.
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  #6  
January 30th, 2013, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post
I know she goes pretty deeply into AP and I imagine that seven years worth if no dates, no sitters, no sleeping without the kids might be hard for someone who is not 100% devoted to the same lifestyle. Frankly, even being 100% devoted, I think most parents need some kind of break for their sanity and maybe that was a sticking point in their marriage. Unfortunately, I think that by not compromising a bit on something like that might have served to do more harm than good. Divorce isn't easy on kids and it would be even harder if mom and dad had differing styles of parenting that only came out after the split. I imagine that could be pretty confusing.
This is one of the main reasons I'm probably done at 1. DH and I are both devoted to AP (him slightly less than me but not much). We both agree that's it's hard on our marriage but the sacrifices are worth it. We had some tough times that we've made it through and things are better but we're still not the same couple we were before marriage. I don't think I want to put our marriage through having a baby again any time soon if ever. I think it's better to preserve the happiness of those already in the family.

Plenty manage to be very AP while satisfying everyone's needs and not neglect their marriage. Apparently they have more patience and/or need less sleep than me, or just know some tricks that I don't! It may also have to do with the fact that career is very important to me, more so than others. For various reasons, I would be very afraid of ending up like Mayim if we decided to have another baby. I can't risk it. A relationship can only be neglected for so long before it falls apart.
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  #7  
January 30th, 2013, 02:29 PM
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To me it just seems weird that people are jumping all over AP as the reason for her divorce. She is also an actress, and a high profile person, and I am sure that makes any marriage harder on top of whatever else is going on. I'm also not sure how you are against ever being away from your children and then have a career in Hollywood, but that's another topic

I don't know I guess the whole thing just irritates me in a who cares kind of way. I don't know her or anything about what went on in her marriage. I don't just assume that every divorce is due to the one thing I happen to know about the couple. I don't know much about what she has said about AP, but I guess I just don't care about any of it.

Also I'm sure that 'traditional' parents never get divorced. Just all the selfish and co-dependent AP mommies who don't take care of their marriages
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  #8  
February 1st, 2013, 04:28 AM
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I think that as an AP parent you have to strike a balance. Once your children are no longer babies its time to stop thinking of them as children but as members of the family. You have to work each child into the needs of the whole family. I feel 100% that babies need to be responded to all the time and I am not talking about infants or babies here (because i think most marriages can sustain themselves to take the rigours of the first 2 years, but longer periods of time are more damaging), but i think that there comes a point where you have to stop looking at the needs of the individual child and look at the family as a unit.

In my opinion, every member of the family unit are just as equal as the other, and we all have to find a way to meet each of those needs, a way that allows the other members to feel their needs are met. Sometimes there has to be a compramise, but on the whole I think thats what we strive for as a family and I feel that thats what most advocates or experts on AP strive for too.

In the baby book by dr sears, he speaks on finding the right balance for the whole family. I feel that there is no point in me killing myself to make sure the children are concentrated on 100% if its detrimental to my health or the health of the family unit.

Maybe I see things a bit differently because I have an older child (jake is 5.5 years old) and I can see a time beyond the relentless sleeplessness, the constant demands on time and energy and the sheer exhaustion of the early years. While I am still in the midst of it with Harry, I feel I have a more long term goal of my parenting style.
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  #9  
February 1st, 2013, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by TheOnlyPink View Post
I think that as an AP parent you have to strike a balance. Once your children are no longer babies its time to stop thinking of them as children but as members of the family. You have to work each child into the needs of the whole family. I feel 100% that babies need to be responded to all the time and I am not talking about infants or babies here (because i think most marriages can sustain themselves to take the rigours of the first 2 years, but longer periods of time are more damaging), but i think that there comes a point where you have to stop looking at the needs of the individual child and look at the family as a unit.

In my opinion, every member of the family unit are just as equal as the other, and we all have to find a way to meet each of those needs, a way that allows the other members to feel their needs are met. Sometimes there has to be a compramise, but on the whole I think thats what we strive for as a family and I feel that thats what most advocates or experts on AP strive for too.

In the baby book by dr sears, he speaks on finding the right balance for the whole family. I feel that there is no point in me killing myself to make sure the children are concentrated on 100% if its detrimental to my health or the health of the family unit.

Maybe I see things a bit differently because I have an older child (jake is 5.5 years old) and I can see a time beyond the relentless sleeplessness, the constant demands on time and energy and the sheer exhaustion of the early years. While I am still in the midst of it with Harry, I feel I have a more long term goal of my parenting style.
I totally agree, this is very well put! The children are happiest when they have a happy mom and dad who love each other. You have to see the family holistically and not get overly obsessed with strange ideas like never ever leaving them with anybody else in order to have a date. Do you really have NO trustworthy caregivers, friends, or family available??? It seems totally ridiculous to me. And I never left M besides just to be in another room of the house for a shower or nap, or have her dad take her for a walk around the block in the ergo, until she was 9 months old... she was exclusively breastfed at the boob and never took a single bottle. But when she became a mobile older baby eating solids and drinking from a cup, yeah, she stays with grandma and grandpa while DH and I have date nights, all the time!!! And I don't think twice about it. And I am putting her in preschool in a couple months and not really worried at all. At some point the intense attachment of a mother to an infant evolves into a trusting independence that grows over time and allows them to form bonds and relationships with other caregivers and later with friends. You don't need to spend every minute in physical contact with your child in order to be connected. In fact if you get some rest and renewal time, you will be MORE able to connect with them and have that full loving attention and sensitivity when they need you.

To me, AP is about the connection you keep with your child, the mutual respect and the listening. It is not a laundry list of practices you must follow regardless of their effect on your sanity or marriage.
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  #10  
February 1st, 2013, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
To me, AP is about the connection you keep with your child, the mutual respect and the listening. It is not a laundry list of practices you must follow regardless of their effect on your sanity or marriage.

LOVE.


When AP becomes all about being with your child 24/7/365, never leaving their side or giving them room to explore and grow and develop trusting relationships with others, I'm out.

And I don't care why she got divorced. Who knows, it really could be anything. Must be hard to be famous and have every aspect of your life scrutinized!
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  #11  
February 1st, 2013, 09:06 AM
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[QUOTE=Jule'sMomInOR;27035196]This is one of the main reasons I'm probably done at 1. DH and I are both devoted to AP (him slightly less than me but not much). We both agree that's it's hard on our marriage but the sacrifices are worth it. We had some tough times that we've made it through and things are better but we're still not the same couple we were before marriage. I don't think I want to put our marriage through having a baby again any time soon if ever. I think it's better to preserve the happiness of those already in the family.

I agree with you 100%. I know having another baby would not be good for our marriage. We are a happy family with the 3 of us and I would rather have Billy be an only child than a child from a broken family.

As for getting back to the couple you were before having Avery, you will get there. Hubby and I did.
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  #12  
February 1st, 2013, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by shen7 View Post

To me, AP is about the connection you keep with your child, the mutual respect and the listening. It is not a laundry list of practices you must follow regardless of their effect on your sanity or marriage.
Loved all of your post, you pretty much summed up what i was trying to say! But this part in particular really stood out

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Originally Posted by Cruiser View Post
LOVE.
When AP becomes all about being with your child 24/7/365, never leaving their side or giving them room to explore and grow and develop trusting relationships with others, I'm out.
Love this too xxx
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