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  #1  
February 18th, 2013, 06:48 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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So after 14 months of pretty much doing night time parenting on my own, I finally asked DH for help because after a couple of illnesses and with the new pregnancy, I was just getting beyond exhausted. So DH has been responding to wakings between 11 and 5 most nights (not all nights and not always all wakings during that time, but most of the time) for the last 2.5 weeks. And somehow him doing that has turned into him moping around all day every day because he is so exhausted, him slowly pushing off the daytime tasks he had been doing with Eleanor to me, and him kind of ignoring me when I ask him to help with anything. I understand he is more tired than usual, but how is this okay? I can do repeated night wakings for over a year and still be expected to care for Eleanor and do everything around the house for 11 hours a day (and for a lot of that time I was working at a job that is much busier and much more tiring than DH's job... I know because I have done DH's job ). But he has a few nights of broken sleep and he suddenly has no more responsibilities because poor, poor daddy is tired?

Before DH was doing night wakings, he would get up before Eleanor, shower and get ready for work, then after Eleanor woke up, he would put her on the potty, get her a clean diaper, get her some breakfast, then she would come to me to nurse and he would go to work. Then he would get home from work around 6-6:30, we would eat and he would have an hour or so with Eleanor before bed. Now he sleeps until Eleanor wakes up, sends her right upstairs to wake me up, sits around on the couch for 20 minutes eating his breakfast, showers, and heads to work. So basically he has pushed Eleanor's whole morning on to me. Then he has been getting home at 6:30-7, so cutting his evening time with Eleanor down, too. This morning, she was asking him for breakfast, so he got her a bowl of cereal then put it down on the table and said, "Mommy will help you with this, right mommy?"

I have also asked him the last 3 weekends to take Eleanor out for a few hours so I could take a nap. Basically all weekend I keep mentioning it, and he keeps not doing it, then at like 5 o'clock on Sunday they finally leave and are gone for 1 hour. Great nap for me, huh?

I feel like I am finally asking him for help because I really need the help. I am tired and I need some more sleep and I need a break. It takes a lot for me to ask for help, and it's ****ing me off that he is just ignoring me and acting like such a baby about a few nights of broken sleep. I guess I'm probably being hormonal and over-reacting, but I'm really irritated.
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Last edited by ohnicole; February 18th, 2013 at 07:19 AM.
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  #2  
February 18th, 2013, 08:52 AM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Some people need more sleep than others. I also think moms get used to it. I would talk to him about it and explain to him that you still did XYZ even when you got up with her at night. Maybe also this will help him realize how much you do (if he didn't already!) I think husbands can take us for granted sometimes

Aside from that, look at what responsibilities you can both cut for now or space out more. Like maybe you guys could just stop making your bed for a while (assuming you currently do) that's one less thing either of you have to do, and the more things like this you can find, the less you chores to split, and the less individual responsibility.

also keep in mind, if your husband's capacity is ABC and now he's doing X, too, that might mean A gets dropped. Just like how you were doing XYZ, but now you are doing G (making a baby) so you had to drop X (waking up as much at night). You hit your limit. sounds like he's hit his. You and him obviously have different limits!

Also, look at what you can do versus what you can't. If he's getting up at night (previously your responsibility) what can you do that he used to do? I know for my family, no one responds well to "Can you do more so I can do less?" No matter how tired the other person is, unless it's just a once in a blue moon type thing.

Maybe you could also try changing the arrangement. What if you went to bed early and did the wakings from 3am on instead of 5 am on? Or what if he let you take a nap during the day or what if you took a nap when your little one is napping.

I'm pregnant and exhausted, too, so I do understand how you feel. Also, my husband has NEVER (with any of our current 3 kids and I don't expect him to with the next one) gotten up in the middle of the night. He also never changed diapers for our 3rd kid and probably won't for this one, either. BUT, he makes money, he does the majority of the cooking, he does the yard work, and he helps me clean. He also takes the kids outside in the afternoon to play, so I get a little break. So in the end, yes, both parents need to contribute to raising the kids, but sometimes you don't all have to split everything, if that makes sense. Like, I'm not upset my husband doesn't get up with the baby at night, because I'm a good "night waker" and he is NOT at ALL. But I also am not very good at playing with the kids in the yard because I hate getting messy and I'm not really huge on running around LOL. Our kids get love and support from both of us, in the ways we are each able to give it.

Sounds like your husband wants to help, but then he's committing to more than he can actually handle, and it's backfiring because now he's actually doing LESS. Whatever the case, I hope you two can work out a solution where you get more rest and he is still rested enough to get some work done.
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  #3  
February 18th, 2013, 10:38 AM
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That sounds sooooo annoying hun!!! I agree that you need to have a big discussion with your DH and see how you can divide things up in a way that works for both of you. You *need* to emphasize that you are PREGNANT and that you need extra rest and support to help you grow all the extra blood and everything the baby needs. Honestly for me it is a relief right now to be at a later, less exhausting stage of pregnancy and also showing a lot more too... everybody is so much more willing to jump up and do whatever for me now, though ironically I don't even need as much help as before

I hope you can work it out. And I'm sure once Eleanor is sleeping better and gets over this current spell of poor sleep, everything will feel a lot more under control!
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  #4  
February 18th, 2013, 10:49 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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alittlelost, I get what you're saying, I really do. And I also think I am just in a cranky mood today, so maybe I should just wait until tomorrow to think about this

But he and I both decided to have another baby together, and when there's another baby, there will actually permanently be more things to take care of all the time. So if he's already at his limit with working and doing a maximum of 1 hour of parenting a day, does that mean that I have to just accept that every task for the new baby gets added to my plate, permanently, no matter how tired or sick I may be at times? It just doesn't sit right with me. Like, I am not asking him to take over one of my responsibilities just so I can get rid of my responsibility. I am asking him to take over one of my responsibilities so I can take on the new responsibility of growing a baby.

And I think what is making me most mad is that I am not asking him to take it on permanently, just temporarily until Eleanor is night weaned and/or until I stop feel so nauseous all the time. But now I feel like he has decided it's too hard for him, and I have to just grudgingly night wean her on my own.

And I absolutely cannot nap while Eleanor is awake in the house playing with daddy... she constantly walks around calling, "Mommy! Mom! Mommy!" and then repeatedly attempts to climb the stairs to our (doorless) room, so it is impossible to sleep. That is why I have asked him to take her out to play somewhere so I can nap. I do nap sometimes while she does but probably at least 3 out of 5 days she wakes 30 minutes in and needs to be resettled, then only sleeps another 45 minutes. Two 10-20 minute naps just leaves me feeling worse.

I don't know, I will have to think about creative solutions, I guess. Thanks for the suggestions, I am going to think about switching our sleep schedules, that might help a little. But I am starting to think that until Eleanor is STTN, one or both of us is going to be feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks, Sara... I think maybe if I had a huge baby belly already, I could get DH to do anything I think no matter what happens with DH and Eleanor's sleep, in a couple weeks I will be starting to feel better pregnancy-wise, so I am looking forward to that.
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  #5  
February 18th, 2013, 11:12 AM
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I don't think it's about time. It doesn't really work like that. It's not like if he does "parenting" 1 hour a day that 1 hour will now be divided. For example, my husband is good doing the dishes and taking out the trash and cooking. We agreed to have another baby and he will do that baby's dishes, added trash, added cooking (down the line) etc. but if I was then like, "And can you also wash the floors and clean the ceiling fans," that might be too much. (It wouldn't be; in reality he does those things too lol, but this is an example). The difference is that doing 10 tasks for 10 minutes each actually "takes more" out a person than doing 5 tastes for 20 or even 30 minutes each. There's an actual science to this (not that I'm the best person to explain it) but it's the same reason they have shown that for most people, you get LESS done while multitasking. It's why a lot of big businesses have a majority of workers that have ONE task. Yes, sometimes there are more, but the businesses that run most effectively has a customer service department, and an order fulfillment department, and a technical department, and so on. And even within those departments, each person has specific duties. They get more done that way than if they all tried to do everything. (Of course, there is more to it where business is concerned than running a house, because you also have to think about work space and being on the same page, which is a lot easier with 2 people than 2000).

anyway, my point isn't to think that he won't do more work than he is doing now and accept you have to do everything. the point is that everyone has their "max" for different areas in life. My husband needs more sleep than I do. If he gets that sleep, he will do 100 times more during the day, which actually helps me because I don't need a lot of sleep, but I'm a "slow worker" which means I don't get nearly as much done in a day.

I think you two just need to find the right balance. Maybe this is it, and he just hasn't adjusted yet. Or maybe this just isn't a practical solution, and you two need to find something that works for both of you. It can be trial and error sometimes. Marriage and family--these things take work sometimes everything runs smooth, and something you're like "whoa, nothing is working for both of us, but we need to keep trying until we find something that is". I hope that makes more sense

So maybe you both cut back on what you do (only so much hours in a day and only so much energy in a human body. I notice that when I add another child, there's usually an adjustment period where we all do "less" for a while because we have another child to take care of.)

Or maybe just divide things up differently. Maybe you still get up at night, but you get a nap during the day and he does more of the daytime work that tires you out. Or maybe he gets up with her at night, but not AS much, and you ALSO get a nap during the day, so in the end it's the same amount of sleep for you BUT he is able to get more done during the day.

I don't know. Those are 2 out of probably hundreds of possible solutions! It took my husband and I a while to figure out what needs to be done. One thing we agree on is that if something is important to one of us but not the other, the person who cares does it. For example, my husband likes the laundry to be always caught up on. Well, I can't do that AND do everything else. So we use a wash and fold service (he chose to pay someone to do it rather than do it himself lol--either way, I'm not doing it and I have time for other things, such as homeschooling and keeping the bedrooms nice and keeping the house organized).

I CAN'T do dishes. Seriously, if I do ONE load of dishes I can't do anything else for hours. I totally shut down. So my husband does them. I do the bathroom and the floors. It's not that I only have "30 minutes of cleaning" in me a day. I can actually clean for over an hour at a time, so long as I'm not doing the dishes. And I think a LOT of people have things like this. Ask them to do ONE thing and that might be all you get out of them, because of how that particular thing drains them mentally or physically. BUT ask them to 10 other things INSTEAD and they might have no problem doing those things.

It's just a matter of finding what each person needs and what each person is willing to do, and going from there. Of course, sometimes compromises will be made and people will have to do things they don't like or that they find draining, but it's a matter of minimizing these instances with open communication and consideration, which needs to go both ways. That means your husband needs to consider you in all of this, too, just as much as you consider him.

I hope this clarification helps. I certainly wasn't saying that everything should be on you with the new baby, so I wanted to make sure I was clear about that. My husband and I both decided to have this next baby, but the reason he won't change any diapers isn't because he only had "x" amount of diaper changes in him and used them all up. It's because we learned that it was easier for me to do that and him to do other things that I don't like doing. Honestly, I have to say that as we've gotten better at figuring out our "perfect plan" (and it took years to get to THIS point, but there's always been improvement along the way), now I feel like we BOTH do LESS but get MORE done <3
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Last edited by alittlelost; February 18th, 2013 at 11:15 AM.
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  #6  
February 18th, 2013, 12:19 PM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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I think you have every right to be annoyed. DH was a SAHD for DD's first 1.5 years and did nothing. Now, with her going onto 4 years this spring, he still does minimal amounts of stuff with her, even on the days i am at work and he is with her. I almost said "watching" her, cause he is like a really ****** baby sitter There are a thousand things to do wtih her, especially at this age, but it never gets done. He also gets upset that the house is a mess but never helps to clean and flat out refuses to EVER EVER EVER do the dishes. He has gotten up ONCE with DD and it was recently and when i said something to him about how it was the first time he ever got up in the night with her he denied it. But yep, it is the truth. Both of us work, but he thinks his job is harder because it is more hours, but i make as much in a day as he makes all week, so i do not buy the whole "my SO makes all the money, so i shoudl do all the chores." having a baby should be about working together as a couple and raising that child together. It is hard to find that balance and make it work for everyone. I do not think they realize how much we do as "mom" and greatly underestimate the work and effort. Also, a lot of moms, like myself, just suck it up and do it all until one day they just can't and then they crack and need a break and the spouse just does not know how to help because they never had. Hope that makes sense.
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  #7  
February 18th, 2013, 12:50 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hope no one thinks *I* said my husband makes all the money so I should do all the chores He certainly does chores, too. And even though I make money, too, I get to keep it all to spend on the kids activities and such

MGM, what is your husband's job and yours? I could see how being a construction worker, for example, might be a more physically strenuous job than a lawyer, even though a lawyer would make more money. I can also see how frustrating that must be for someone who busts their but all week to make what someone with a physically easier job makes in a week (but, alas, I also think the jobs we have are to a degree in our control, and people can change their situation if they don't like it!).

Also, since you make as much money in a day as your DH makes in a week, what is there to buy about "My SO makes all the money"? I am not disagreeing with you on that though, I just didn't understand that comments since your SO doesn't make all the money. Or do you mean that because you pretty much make all the money (by comparison) and he doesn't do all the chores, that you know not everyone is as grateful to have a SO that provides as you do for your family?

My husband makes more money in a day than I make all month, but he still helps me out around the house and I agree that's the way it should be. Though I have to say if he was running around talking about me like that and about how he makes more money in a day than I make in a week (and somehow that means his job is as harder or harder than mine) I'd be hurt. I know, because he used to be like that. We both worked, and he complained that I did "nothing" because he made more money than me. Maybe for some people that is really the case, but many times I think people just underestimate what their spouses do in a day. Also, the difficulty of a job is not defined by how much a person makes per hour. Eventually I went on strike HAHA and then my husband saw how much I did and stopped making comments like that (to me or to other people).

I'm actually surprised by how many people here are unhappy with their husbands participation around the house, though That really sucks--both for the women and men involved. I hope you all can open up communication and come up with fair arrangements and that your spouses will all step up to the plate. I think sometimes mothers feel unappreciated and don't realize that the men also feel that way (because we're too busy feeling that way ourselves) so communicating, when both parties are willing (and I understand that isn't always the case) can go a long way toward making everyone feel appreciated and supported.
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  #8  
February 18th, 2013, 01:12 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by mgm78 View Post
having a baby should be about working together as a couple and raising that child together.
I totally agree with this... I don't care who makes how much money, and I don't care who does more or harder work (and by work I include everything around the house), but I expect that in raising our kids, I have a partner. I did not sign on for doing everything on my own, and I will not accept it. We have our babies together.
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  #9  
February 18th, 2013, 01:30 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
I'm actually surprised by how many people here are unhappy with their husbands participation around the house, though That really sucks--both for the women and men involved.
I agree with this also. I am always surprised by how many of the moms here are totally fine with doing everything around the house and/or everything with the kids. I don't know how you can handle it!

I also want to say that in general, I am not unhappy with my DH's participation in house/baby stuff. I usually do feel like we have a partnership. I do most of the night time parenting, and until recently that was perfectly fine with me. I consider my main job during the day to be parenting Eleanor, and once Eleanor is taken care of, then I try to get to whatever else I can accomplish around the house (usually staying caught up on laundry, dishes, and the floors is about it). Usually because DH takes on the morning parenting I can get a little extra rest and because DH puts Eleanor to bed, I can clean up a little after dinner. Whatever else is left to do around the house we either work together on or just let slide. And that is usually a good balance for us.

I think where we've hit a little roadblock is that recently I have been struggling with feeling exhausted and burnt out. I think obviously part of it is being pregnant, part of it is absolutely that in January we were all taking turns being sick for a few weeks and there was about a week where I barely slept, and part of it is that I am just reaching my limit on being able to do multiple night wakings. I never really imagined that at 15 months, Eleanor would be up 3-4 times a night or would be up for hours in the night... and after over a year of seriously broken sleep, I am really struggling. Maybe if we had more support from friends or family, it would be a little easier to handle, but we have none. And it is just really hard to be the only one here for 11 hours a day, then spend an hour or 2 cleaning up, then be on call all night when I am already exhausted.

Unfortunately because of our situation, the only person I can ask for help is DH. And I know he is probably tired, too. He is gone from the house for 11 hours a day, and then spends another hour playing with Eleanor and putting her to bed. But if I need help, I need help. And I really feel like when I am struggling enough to tell him that I need help, he should take it seriously, because I don't often ask extra of him.

So I wanted to clarify that I don't think my DH is lazy around here or doesn't do his share. This is more of an issue of me feeling like I have said to him, "I am really struggling. I am in over my head. I need a break. Help me, please." And I feel like he isn't responding the way I need him to, considering that my request is a temporary one.
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  #10  
February 18th, 2013, 02:14 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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But like you said, sounds like HE is really tired, too. 11 hour work days are killer, and then he helps you when he gets home (which like you said, work around the house is house work too) then now he's also trying to get up at night for you. You need a break, but sounds like he ALSO needs a break. And that happens sometimes. Me and my husband--sometimes we're lucky and we need breaks at different times, and other times (unfortunately) we need them at the same time. also, we both work really hard, so when I need help, and he's the only one to do it, it's a bit like putting the straw to break the camels back on. I can't say for sure, but maybe that is what is going on with your husband right now. You do a lot, and you're tired, and you need help, but he does a lot too, and helping with the nighttime parenting is making him tired too, and now he feels like he needs help with the things he normally has no problem doing. It's like a domino effect, ya know? Doesn't sound like he's not doing his share, but you were maxed out and the nighttime parenting was too much. but he was maxed out and helping with the nighttime parenting made OTHER things too much for him. so I don't think it's so much about asking for extra or him being willing to do extra, but to understand that when you are both working hard, if you need a break, that extra on him could lead him to need a break, too. The only real solution I see in cases like this is to reevaluate what "needs" to be done and how often, and things may just have to slack off for a little while until one or both of you are feeling re-energized. I don't see it as him not being willing to be your partner in parenting, though. MY husband and I are equal partners in both parenting and housework AND he does the yard work AND he pays all the bills. I know I'm very lucky. I also know that sometimes I need a break, but that sometimes asking him to do extra so I can get that break might be asking TOO much of him. He might do that one thing for me, and then suddenly there are 10 other things he stops doing. But I keep in mind that it's only for a time. (We don't have help either, so I know how that is) So sometimes we have to look at our situation and say, "This needs to change, because neither of us have the energy for it". that might mean that for a month, the kids only get a bath every other day instead of every day. Or it may mean we take our laundry to the wash and fold service (I realize not everyone can afford that, though). Or maybe it means we sweep the floors every 3 days instead of ever 2. Maybe it means we get smarter with our grocery money so we can afford to order out once a week so it's one less time to cook. Or maybe it means we start cooking bigger quantities of things so we can freeze and save, and then maybe we go a week without cooking and just eating those frozen meals. I mean, it could be anything, and what it is for us might not be what it is for you. But saying, "This is too much for me but you are my partner and I need my help so too bad if it's too much for you, you should do it anyway" is losing sight of the fact that you are supposed to be his partner as much as he is yours, and that it doesn't mean that he isn't being a "partner" because you did all the night time parenting before and he won't do it all now. Being "partners" isn't always about splitting EVERYTHING (two peas for you, two for me, you give 3 1/2 baths this week, I give 3 1/2, then you get up with baby at night for 4 hours and I do it for 4 hours). Sometimes "splitting" things isn't about being exactly equal in each and every category, but about being equal overall, and that means consideration needs to go both ways. If he is getting up with her at night, sounds like he is TRYING to be considerate of you, but he just can't "pull it off" while continuing to do the things he did before. Decide what you need most from him right now and decide what you could really do without right now (that neither of you need to do) and you might be able to find a happy ground where you are getting the rest you need and he is helping you without getting run down himself. I hope this makes sense... Also, make sure you are taking vitamins, drinking plenty of water, and staying active, because those things will help keep your energy up as much as possible while pregnant. you'll still need rest, though, but maybe your bathroom just won't get cleaned as often and your family will eat simpler meals for a while and your daughter won't get as many trips to the park with her Daddy. It stinks, but it's temporary, and I do think it's healthy for kids to learn that sometimes family life has to slow down for the well being of the family as a whole. Some days my kids don't get to play outside, even though I want them too, because I'm too tired to take them out and *so is my husband*. so, they don't get to go outside for a day. That's part of being a family, and it doesn't hurt them to experience these times from a young age. they will still know they are loved and their needs will still be met. That is what matters most IMO.
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  #11  
February 18th, 2013, 02:17 PM
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I'm so hesitant to criticize because I have no basis to complain about someone I don't know. I think we live in a culture where women are expected to take on all of the child care, and I am not down with that. It's ridiculous, and it teaches children to continue that cycle. Girls learn that it's ok and not to expect support, and boys learn that it's ok to be irresponsible and/or absent fathers. I actually know fathers who refer to taking care of their children as "babysitting" - man does that boil my blood. And then there's the attitude that pregnancy isn't a reason for any kind of help or accommodation because it isn't hard. When men start growing babies inside of them I will accept that they can make a judgement of how hard it is or isn't. I've had an exceptionally easy pregnancy (I think) and it can still be exhausting for me at times.

I think you have every reason to be upset. He had a part in the decision making to have children, and he has an equal part in the care involved. If it were him caring for them all alone, what would he do? Drop them at his moms? Hire a nanny? No, that isn't realistic. That aside, you asked for help - that's no easy feat for some people. It certainly isn't for me. You have the right to say, "Hey, I need help." and be heard and respected in your relationship. Everyone does!

I hope you either feel better or find some solution soon! Too bad we can't just pop out our uterus and give it to them for a few hours.
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  #12  
February 18th, 2013, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
I'm actually surprised by how many people here are unhappy with their husbands participation around the house, though That really sucks--both for the women and men involved. I hope you all can open up communication and come up with fair arrangements and that your spouses will all step up to the plate. I think sometimes mothers feel unappreciated and don't realize that the men also feel that way (because we're too busy feeling that way ourselves) so communicating, when both parties are willing (and I understand that isn't always the case) can go a long way toward making everyone feel appreciated and supported.
I agree it makes me appreciate my DH a lot! He tries really hard and does a lot, he is great at picking up the slack when I have had a bad day or whatever. Even so though, my first trimester of this pregnancy was REALLY hard, and I leaned a ton on both DH and my mom, to the point where they were both pretty fed up with me. There were lots of days I would basically go to bed as soon as DH came home from work and he would have to prepare and feed himself and M dinner, do a pile of dishes I'd left out, and get M taken care of and put to bed, and sometimes he'd do some other cleaning just because things were so out of control. And some weekends I just stayed in bed all day and did not do a thing, because I felt so incredibly exhausted, and he would take care of M and do shopping and laundry and clean all weekend. And he completely took over nighttime parenting after we weaned, too. He was doing way more than his fair share for awhile!!!

Now that I feel better again, I do try hard to have everything pretty well cleaned and under control when he gets home, and to do more on weekends too, so he can play with M (which he loves to do) but not worry about cleaning/chores, and he gets a little me time or extra work time when he needs it. He recently took on a lot more responsibility at work, he leads his team now, and almost half the team (including the previous lead and the most senior top programmers) just transferred out, so they are trying to meet the same deadlines and workload with half the people, and people with less familiarity with the code to boot. Last week it was a rough week, the code broke in production multiple times, which would happen sometimes before too, but now that he is lead he feels so responsible for it... so I have really prioritized giving him a break from mundane chores and letting him do what he needs to do and so on, so he can revive and be ready for his work demands. A certain amount of babycare and cooking and home organization actually helps him decompress and get his mind off, as long as it feels low pressure and he gets his naps in as well. But I know coming home to a clean house and dinner made and a happy family and everything helps his stress level a lot, so I am trying extra hard to provide that right now. I know transitioning to his new role and setting up a half brand new team is really draining right now, but in a couple months, he will have a much better handle on it. And by then I will be getting huge and needing more help again too

Anyway just to show there is give and take with us. I am not afraid to lean hard on DH when I really need it but in return I try to give him the extra support when he needs it, too. Maybe just stress to your DH that this is NOT a permanent arrangement but just what you need right now, it will be hard for both of you for awhile but eventually you will have more energy, Eleanor will be night weaned and sleeping better, and it will get easier and you will need less extra help from him. I probably blathered on a whole lot but I hope that helps some!!
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  #13  
February 18th, 2013, 03:24 PM
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I am not afraid to lean hard on DH when I really need it but in return I try to give him the extra support when he needs it, too.
This is what I am looking for. I feel like I am willing to pick up slack for DH when he is busy at work or when he wants to play video games with friends or when he wants to run out to the store for some new shoes or whatever or when he is sick. And I basically never ask him to do anything extra for me for any of those reasons.

For example, if he is sick, he can have several days off from having to get Eleanor up in the morning or put her to bed, take days off of work, sleep in, nap all day, have me take Eleanor out of the house so he can have quiet, and have me take care of everything around the house, including getting him food/drinks. If I am sick, I am still responsible for Eleanor all day and all night, including making meals, because he is not around to help. And I guess that must be true for all SAHMs, but I don't know how people can recover from illnesses when they are still just going going going all day and night.

And part of the problem is that when he does the night time parenting, I am still waking every time Eleanor does, having to wake DH half the time, and then lying in bed awake for as long as she fusses because I can hear her from our room even if the monitor is off. So I guess I should just give up on that and do it myself since we are both just ending up sleep deprived. I am just craving a long period of sleep so badly and 2 hours here and there just isn't cutting it anymore. I guess I should just accept that it isn't happening any time soon.

I'm feeling better about it all, and I'm not angry enough that it is a huge problem between DH and I or anything... it's just a little bump in the road. And I'm sure hormones and exhaustion aren't helping anything
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February 18th, 2013, 03:50 PM
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I'm sure once you talk to him about this, you'll figure it all out and both be happy It sounds like you two have a solid marriage and I get the impression from your posts that he WANTS to help. I could sit over here and be like "Yeah, selfish men, make women do all the work, blah blah blah" but that's not always the case and doesn't sound like your husband from what you've said (maybe I'm wrong) but either way, it's not productive. Talking to him would be.

If/when you talk to him, be prepared that the way he sees things *might* also be way different than you do. Sometimes when I talk to my husband about things I'm thinking, "how could he POSSIBLY see it that way?!" but I have to remind myself that we just need to talk through it and sometimes it takes time for both parties to fully see the other's POV in a fair and accurate way. but usually once that happens there are things both parties can do/agree on to change the situation in everyone's best interest.

I'm sure before you know it this will be a thing of the past, you'll have the support you need, and he won't feel like it's too much.

Also, perhaps I misunderstood you because I thought you were saying he does the night wakings from 11am to 5am (so you could get more sleep) but then he wasn't getting other things done, so I thought you were at least getting that! but if he's not doing that AND doing less, then I can understand why that would be frustrating! If he's doing that, but doing less, that's still frustrating, but (IMO) understandable and more of a sign that you BOTH have too much on your plate and need to reassess your daily obligations for the time being.
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February 18th, 2013, 04:07 PM
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My comment was in response to some of the posts that made it seem like because he makes the money, the wife should do everything and not expect much besides being provided for in return. That is how some of the posts came out.
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February 18th, 2013, 04:12 PM
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Oh, sorry, I didn't see those posts, so I wasn't sure what you were referring to. I knew I hadn't said that, but I hadn't seen anyone else say it, either. Maybe it was another thread. Thanks for clarifying

That aside, I really don't know who of them makes all or most of the money anyway--and I don't think it matters. All I know is, based on this thread, he has a job and helps around the house and has been helping at night lately, but since helping at night he was doing less during the day--at least that is how I understood it. I know most people think only my husband makes money because most people don't know I work from home, so I never assume who makes money in a household, as you can never really be sure and don't I think it's relevant either way. how much someone works, IMO, has nothing to do with their "job" or "income". There's a lot of work in life that has nothing to do with either--most of it, in my opinion lol.

In our house, we all pitch in with all things, but we are considerate of each other's needs and stressors as much as possible. I am lucky that my husband "provides" for the family and lets me keep my income for activities and enjoyment, but we BOTH raise the kids. No, he doesn't change diapers. Just like I don't do dishes. (those are literal, not figurative--he still cares for the kids and i still care for the house) But as ALL my posts have said, I think both parties need to pitch in, but also both parties need to be compassionate to each other. When you need extra help in one area, sometimes it's okay to let your partner off the hook in another area. Just try to find those areas that can be "let go" so everyone can get a break for a little bit. Eventually (in my experience), things do get back on track
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Last edited by alittlelost; February 18th, 2013 at 04:19 PM.
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  #17  
February 18th, 2013, 04:43 PM
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This is what I am looking for. I feel like I am willing to pick up slack for DH when he is busy at work or when he wants to play video games with friends or when he wants to run out to the store for some new shoes or whatever or when he is sick. And I basically never ask him to do anything extra for me for any of those reasons.

For example, if he is sick, he can have several days off from having to get Eleanor up in the morning or put her to bed, take days off of work, sleep in, nap all day, have me take Eleanor out of the house so he can have quiet, and have me take care of everything around the house, including getting him food/drinks. If I am sick, I am still responsible for Eleanor all day and all night, including making meals, because he is not around to help. And I guess that must be true for all SAHMs, but I don't know how people can recover from illnesses when they are still just going going going all day and night.

And part of the problem is that when he does the night time parenting, I am still waking every time Eleanor does, having to wake DH half the time, and then lying in bed awake for as long as she fusses because I can hear her from our room even if the monitor is off. So I guess I should just give up on that and do it myself since we are both just ending up sleep deprived. I am just craving a long period of sleep so badly and 2 hours here and there just isn't cutting it anymore. I guess I should just accept that it isn't happening any time soon.

I'm feeling better about it all, and I'm not angry enough that it is a huge problem between DH and I or anything... it's just a little bump in the road. And I'm sure hormones and exhaustion aren't helping anything
Yeah, after a bad night and some flowing preggo hormones, it all seems pretty bad but I think in general you have a good sense of things and just need to organize your thoughts so you can communicate to DH how things are going at the moment, and renegotiate the arrangement somehow in a way that gives you the rest you need right now.

I think you are right, if you are still waking up every time Eleanor wakes, and just listening to DH go to her until she sleeps again, before you can sleep... then basically you are BOTH waking up every time, instead of just you. So maybe it does make more sense for you to do nighttime parenting, but then have him do as much as possible to let you nap in the morning and go to bed early in the evening, and also he can do more housework.

Have you tried any hypnobabies tracks yet? Those will KNOCK YOU OUT, for real. I usually take forever to fall asleep, esp with pregnancy discomforts, but I often pass out snoring 20 minutes one of the intro tracks I have. Maybe just have that in some headphones to help you fall asleep and stay that way awhile despite the noise and "mommy, mommy" voices downstairs or whatever. Just an idea!
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February 18th, 2013, 05:05 PM
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Oh, sorry, I didn't see those posts, so I wasn't sure what you were referring to. I knew I hadn't said that, but I hadn't seen anyone else say it, either. Maybe it was another thread. Thanks for clarifying
I think she meant some of your earlier posts in this thread... I think you made a comment about your DH making money and when I first read it, it sort of seemed like the whole 'he makes money, so I take care of the house' thing, but as I kept reading, it became clear that you meant it as just one of the things on your DH's plate. And that you clearly think that every couple has to just make their own division of tasks. Sometimes it can be so hard to get your point across in posts And reading back, my own posts weren't even clear

And you didn't misunderstand me, my DH does do the night wakings lately, but I just end up waking up too because our house is so small that I can hear the baby anyway, and he often just sleeps through her cries so I have to wake him up for him to go to her- not confusing at all, right?

Right now I am thinking we will take this week to go back to more of our 'old' arrangement with me doing most of the night wakings, then I will reassess after that, most likely making another attempt at night weaning. I think the thing that really needs to change is that Eleanor needs to start sleeping better, but even if we successfully night wean, we can't make her sleep if she doesn't want to. So hopefully she will get past this latest wakeful phase. And maybe if he gets more sleep at night DH will be more willing to take Eleanor out on the weekends so I can get a break/nap. Or else maybe I need to invest in earplugs

Sara, I so far have downloaded the free tracks and have been listening to the Relax Me one pretty much every night at bedtime. It has helped me fall asleep a lot faster than I had been (a problem that I usually only have in early pregnancy). But I still wake up at the first peep from Eleanor I was waiting for our NT scan to purchase the self study course, so I'm going to do that this week. I am kind of excited!
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February 18th, 2013, 05:56 PM
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I think she meant some of your earlier posts in this thread... I think you made a comment about your DH making money and when I first read it, it sort of seemed like the whole 'he makes money, so I take care of the house' thing, but as I kept reading, it became clear that you meant it as just one of the things on your DH's plate. And that you clearly think that every couple has to just make their own division of tasks. Sometimes it can be so hard to get your point across in posts And reading back, my own posts weren't even clear

And you didn't misunderstand me, my DH does do the night wakings lately, but I just end up waking up too because our house is so small that I can hear the baby anyway, and he often just sleeps through her cries so I have to wake him up for him to go to her- not confusing at all, right?

Right now I am thinking we will take this week to go back to more of our 'old' arrangement with me doing most of the night wakings, then I will reassess after that, most likely making another attempt at night weaning. I think the thing that really needs to change is that Eleanor needs to start sleeping better, but even if we successfully night wean, we can't make her sleep if she doesn't want to. So hopefully she will get past this latest wakeful phase. And maybe if he gets more sleep at night DH will be more willing to take Eleanor out on the weekends so I can get a break/nap. Or else maybe I need to invest in earplugs
Ah, so probably she just skim-read my OOBER LONG REDONKULOUS post. Yeah, I don't blame her, and I'm guilty of skim-reading too HAHA. I'm talk to much. Often because I feel the need to elaborate to be more clear (which I usually do HAHA but sometimes it makes it worse because meaning gets lost in the jumble...). But yeah, add to that that we're not always so clear, and I see how that happens. But yeah, I definitely don't think that way and I'm glad you understood me (in the end). And I see what you mean about waking even when your DH gets up. It's one of the reasons I do the night wakings here (worse, actually--I would have to wake him up to go get the baby because he can sleep through a train wreck and I'm a SUPER light sleeper so even if by some miracle he DOES wake up first, I'm still "awake" hearing everything). But that doesn't change the fact that you need rest, by any means, so maybe you two can find a better solution. This one sounds worse, because you still don't get good sleep AND he does less during the day because he's more tired. I really feel for all of you! It's rough Be careful with earplugs. They hurt my ears lol. Awe, I do hope you get rest soon. You two seem to have a solid relationship and I think you'll figure out a way to take care of everyone's needs in the end. *hugs*
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  #20  
February 18th, 2013, 06:56 PM
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So I guess I should just give up on that and do it myself since we are both just ending up sleep deprived. I am just craving a long period of sleep so badly and 2 hours here and there just isn't cutting it anymore. I guess I should just accept that it isn't happening any time soon.
Hi there....

I really hope you don't mind me participating in this thread. DH and I worked out a solution that works great for us... He works Monday - Friday, so those nights I get up with our children. On the weekend, when he's off, I go sleeping the guest room just to catch up on some sleep. It really works very well for us...

I hope you find a good solution. It can be a very difficult balancing act.
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