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A little back story and a question?


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  • 1 Post By NinjaCakes

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  #1  
February 18th, 2013, 10:27 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NE Arkansas
Posts: 1,270
You know those moments that are the happiest in your life? We had one of those followed by one of the saddest moments in your life. My DD was born on Halloween 2010. By March of 2011 there was a HUGE falling out between all of us, but mainly between me and future SIL. In July once they got married she messaged me on facebook apologizing for everything.....me being not quite ready to bury the hatchet because she punched below the belt(verbally) didn't respond until Mar of 2012. BIL called DH at Thanksgiving and Christmas 2011, but both times were after we fell asleep and DH didn't call back. Jan of 2012 BIL calls and tells us they are having a baby. We are of course excited and overjoyed for them. I began to consider mending fences. I added them back to my facebook, just to keep up with how the pregnancy was going. My Mar-Apr 2012 I took a leap and messaged SIL on facebook and we started chatting and both apologized for everything that was said. We had both been dealing with stressors and both handled it very poorly. At the end of Apr my MIL moved back to Arkansas for good(a story for another day.) BIL had not seen his mom since Mar 2010. For my MIL's Mother's Day gift SIL and I coordinated and planned a trip for them out here to surprise my MIL in like 12 hrs.(BIL had to beg the days off work.) We pulled off the surprise and my MIL was so thrilled. (This is also another story another day.) None of us wanted the weekend to end. We made plans to see each other again ASAP and went back to our busy lives. We did stay in touch w/facebook. FF to Oct 2012.

We had DD's party a on a Sat. because her actual bday was in the middle of the week. That evening FIL missed her actual party, but still came by and just before he left BIL called and the babies were here. SIL had not had an ul/s during the pregnancy, so they didn't know what they were having, let alone that they were having twins. So we had FIL tell him to call us. Around 11pm he called us. Everyone was stable and doing good. 7 hrs later he called again, SIL was very iffy. He talked to Dh and I already had the wheels rolling on breakfast, getting my mom to get marybeth(she is 1 hr away). We walked out the door 1 hr later. It is a 5hr drive on a good day. We stopped and grabbed my MIL on our way. Unfortunately SIL was gone before we got there. Now add in the fact that everyone is flat broke. Either being unemployed or underemployed. We scraped together the resources to have her cremated. THere was a memorial service but it was almost a month later, and it was done out of charity by a really good friend's mother's pastor.

Now onto my question. How do I tell these girls about there momma. I know they are going to ask me. BIL has already asked me if I will talk to his girls about the things they might not necessarily want to discuss with him. Yes I know some of this is way in the future. I also need to know how to answer my daughter's questions about her aunt. I have tried explaining what happened a couple of times because she has gone up there with us since all this happened. But she doesn't really remember her. I also have the awesome story about how she told SIL she loved her when some words where still huge for her(like SIL's name).

This got a lot longer than I meant for it to be. And I really did leave a lot out. If you made it this far thanks!!
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  #2  
February 18th, 2013, 10:41 AM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
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Oh no! What happened? How did she pass? Was it complications during birth?

I'm not sure I have great advice on what to tell her babies. Just be honest as they grow older. Share pictures. Tell them how much their mom loved them and how proud of them she would be. Tell them she wouldn't have left them in this world without her if she'd had any other choice, but that when she left, she did leave them with a whole family full of people who love them very much and will always be there for them, such as yourself.
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  #3  
February 18th, 2013, 10:57 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
I'm not sure I have great advice on what to tell her babies. Just be honest as they grow older. Share pictures. Tell them how much their mom loved them and how proud of them she would be. Tell them she wouldn't have left them in this world without her if she'd had any other choice, but that when she left, she did leave them with a whole family full of people who love them very much and will always be there for them, such as yourself.
That sounds like really great advice! I would also think it would make them feel more connected to her if everyone talks about her frequently, like it is not a taboo or sad subject... like the memory of her is just a part of their lives. I'm so sad for those poor babies
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  #4  
February 18th, 2013, 12:21 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NE Arkansas
Posts: 1,270
BIL has been unable to talk about it a length. We didn't get to talk to any of the doctors or hear anything while it was going on. SIL was gone for a couple of hours by the time we got there. It was to painful for BIL to talk about then. He is slowly being able to share more and more with Dh and I. So we don't have the whole puzzle yet. Thanks for the advice ladies.

I am sure that some of this feeling has been brought on by the recent visit to BIL's house. I got some awesome snuggles from the twins. The were pouty when they found out we had left. I did see a couple of looks on BIL's face that the in justice that I can snuggle his twins when their mommy never got to see them. BIL is always glad for us to get there. He opens the door to his apartment for us to sleep there when his whole apartment would fit in half our house. I love his twins as if they were my own. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for them, if I was able. The first couple of days after a visit up there is rough for us.
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Last edited by MommyBeth; February 18th, 2013 at 12:27 PM.
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  #5  
February 18th, 2013, 01:03 PM
NinjaCakes's Avatar Awesomesauce
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,331
That is so heartbreaking. There really are no words for the pain your family has suffered.

I struggle with the question of how (or if) what it was to know somebody can really be passed on through words and pictures. I just don't know. I absolutely agree with Nicole though - don't make her a taboo topic. Make sure they know they can ask questions and get answers, that they don't have to feel bad about wondering or wanting to know. That's really important. Good luck.
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  #6  
February 19th, 2013, 12:51 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NE Arkansas
Posts: 1,270
Thanks ladies. I am sure that she is not a taboo topic. My BIL has a 5-6 (kindergarten) step-son. He is/has treated hum like his own since up moved there.
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