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  #1  
February 27th, 2013, 01:14 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
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I would like your opinion / input on this. I do not agree, but I only have one child.

I was talking to a friend of mine and she has 4 kids. She was telling me that you always love one child more then the rest, and if a Mother says she loves them all equally she is lying. She also said that she loves her first more then the rest because he was her first, and she even TOLD him and told him NOT to tell the other kids. What?....

I am in shock...
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  #2  
February 27th, 2013, 01:22 PM
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No. That is all kinds of messed up.
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  #3  
February 27th, 2013, 01:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
No. That is all kinds of messed up.
That's what I was thinking too. Now, I only have Drake BUT if I had more I could not love one less...that does not make sense to me.
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  #4  
February 27th, 2013, 01:36 PM
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I dont agree with that at all. The closest I can get to loving one more is that I love my first more because she is my first and I love my second more because she is my baby. In the end it evens out .
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  #5  
February 27th, 2013, 02:11 PM
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I am vaguely remembering some article in Slate or some similar online magazine, about families where parents openly played favorites, and how it was for the kids. They interviewed a bunch of adults who had experienced these issues. I was surprised at how detrimental it was for the FAVORITES even more so than for the unfavored kids. The unfavored kids often had estranged relationships with their parents and sometimes siblings too, and had built up anger, but many of them as adults had worked through it and found their own niche and had made good lives. Whereas all of the favored kids were really neurotic and felt a ton of pressure of expectations and felt like they could not escape their parents' grip, even the ones who had managed to create some distance were wracked with guilt and feelings of failure and being a disappointment, not living up to expectations etc. At least if I'm remembering correctly. And of course this wasn't exactly a complete representative sample over all society but probably just some people the author dug up. Still, I found the ideas very interesting.
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  #6  
February 27th, 2013, 03:04 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My mom always told me she loved me the best and not to tell the others and that it was because it was just us for so many years. I think there was actually something else going on with that, but I won't get into it. To be honest, I would have thought she loved my brother the most, based on the way she treats him compared to me and my sister, but whatever. I think my sister is my Dad's favorite, but I'm not upset by that. It could just be in my head because I know he's really just my step dad and she's his biological daughter and they love the same things. So, really, it's not that her LOVES her more, it's that they have more in common.

Which brings me to my second point. I absolutely love all my kids. But that doesn't mean I get along with them equally. My daughter and I have more in common, so we have that connection. My youngest son and I, our personalities match up the best, but we have nothing in common, so I never really know what to do with him, but I always try. My oldest son has a hard time connecting with anyone, including me, though I do think our AP lifestyle has helped him be better at it than he would have been otherwise. My daughter is definitely the easiest to discipline, which is obviously easier for me.

I guess my point is, I love all my kids, and equally, but that doesn't mean I mesh with them equally, personality/interest wise.
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Last edited by alittlelost; February 27th, 2013 at 04:08 PM.
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  #7  
February 27th, 2013, 03:07 PM
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Honestly one of the reasons I do not want more kids is I am afraid I won't be able to love them as much as I love Gabby. Everyone tells me that won't be the case at all, but I can't help but wonder. DH and I tried for almost 8 years to get pregnant and our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was completely devastated and didn't even want to try again, but surprise I got pregnant with Gabby 7 months later. I had a lot of complications from the very beginning and was even told at 16 weeks I could still lose her. She is my miracle and I truly feel she was meant for me. She is so special and I really don't know if I could love another baby as much as her and that wouldn't be fair to her or a new baby.
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  #8  
February 27th, 2013, 03:13 PM
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Your friend is completely wacky (in my humble opinion ).

I was terrified that I could never love another baby like I loved Claire....she was the answer to so many prayers, and just so perfect! Turns out that your heart just grows with every child I do not love one child more than another and can't imagine anyone actually feeling that way. I love them all differently, though, and I think that is normal. I think there is something to be said for the special bond you have with your first child, but you develop special bonds with each of your children.

I feel sad for those kids
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  #9  
February 27th, 2013, 04:02 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
I guess my point is, I love all my kids, and equally, but that doesn't mean I mesh with them equally, personality/interest wise.
I think this is absolutely true. I think that some parents do a better job than others of recognizing the ways in which they mesh with each child and focusing on those aspects of their relationship. Other parents just get overwhelmed by the difficult parts of the relationships that don't come as easily and interpret that as loving that child less.

I'm not sure if my mom ever flat out said to me or my sister that I was her favorite, but I think it was pretty clear to both of us that I was. I think the reason was that my mom and my sister were actually too alike... they were both very outwardly emotional and they really knew how to push each other's buttons, even from when my sister was really little. There were a lot of other circumstances that went on to make it that way (my sister's health issues, my parent's divorce, etc), but the end result was that they were always fighting like cats and dogs. I think my sister knowing that my mom felt that way just made her lash out even more, and me knowing that my mom felt that way made me feel like I better always be perfect and better not show emotions or else I might end up getting screamed at, too. And I think ironically that as adults, me not showing emotions and feeling more ambitious and wanting to move away actually made my mom resentful, and because my sister stayed home and never moved away, the roles actually reversed. I've gotten my fair share of extremely hurtful remarks from my mom as an adult.

It was also pretty obvious to everyone that my sister was my dad's favorite, but because we didn't see him as often, I think that just made me feel less connected to him, whereas my sister was more apt to try to keep up a relationship with him even though he can be pretty distant.

Anyway I don't think it's helpful to anyone for parents to be so obvious about their negative feelings about their relationships with each of their children. I think it's inevitable that you will feel closer to different children in different areas, but equating that with love and projecting those differing levels of 'love' to the kids just shapes everyone in a negative way.
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  #10  
February 27th, 2013, 09:09 PM
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I have been told that I am my Moms favorite as well, I think that is a crock. I don't know though. I do not really care to be honest.

Kim, I know exactly what you mean. I was the same at one point, and sometimes I still think about it. I am one and done, but sometimes I feel like if I got pregnant again I would love Drake more, but I also agree that your heart grows fonder. I guess it is something you really do not know unless you have more. I do not know. I do think it is crazy though to actually tell the child and tell him to not tell anyone...
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  #11  
February 28th, 2013, 04:28 AM
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When you have more kids, your love doesn't divide, it doubles
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  #12  
February 28th, 2013, 05:04 AM
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Thats so sad. I absolutely think my mom loved us all the same, my dad, has favorites my oldest bro and my little sister. Me and my other brother are the middle kids lol We talk about it all the time. Since I was 11 and he was 13 when our mom died we both felt jipped. . .that being said i am soooo scared of having another (although we are TTC) because A.) I am afraid that Gary will feel neglected B.) I am like how the heck can i possibly love another person the way I love him!?
But my aunts all tell me, you just do.
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  #13  
February 28th, 2013, 05:37 AM
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I have a son, daughter and pregnant with baby #3. I can not imagine loving one of them more than the other. I love my kids all the same. That is pretty sad what your friend said.
My mom on the other hand has admitted to loving my sister more than me. Her excuse was always she needed my mom more than I did so they got closer. Ive just always been independent and didnt get into trouble. My sister on the other hand got into a lot of trouble and was always asking my mom for stuff.
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  #14  
February 28th, 2013, 07:27 AM
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Hahaha. Your friend, is indeed, a whacked out soul.

That is ridiculous. Love isn't something that is finite. I love at least 50 people in my life. Do I love them the same? NO. Because they are all very different people, with different relationships to me. And my kids are no different. They are completely different kids...each with aspects that make me swoon with adoration...and aspects that make me a bit overwhelmed and lost.

Do I love Liam because he is my first? Yes. Do I love Kieran less because he is my second? Not in the least.

In fact, like Lost said, I understand Kieran a bit better than Liam because he is more like me. We have similar personalities and I think that might help me understand what "makes him tick" in the future. But I love what Liam teaches me about life. He looks at things so much differently than me and I can't help but be in awe of him navigating his world and showing ME new ways to handle things. I could never choose between them.

There are moments when I LIKE one better than the other Like when one is throwing a massive temper tantrum and the other is being super-sweet. Lol. And I admit I like the stage of life that Kieran is in better than the one Liam is in. But 6 months ago...that was totally not the case. Haha.

I call it "different but equal." Which is pretty accurate. My mom never displayed favorites. I think she had the same thing I do...different reasons for loving each of us as ourselves. I am her girl, her confidant (as an adult). My middle brother is her cuddly one, the one who needs the most emotional support. My youngest brother is her goof. The one who makes her laugh and lightens the mood.
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  #15  
February 28th, 2013, 09:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sareymac View Post
I am afraid that Gary will feel neglected
It would change everything, for me. No more cuddles at night when I am with the new baby. No more one on one ALL DAY. No more taking him to the oark and playing with JUST him. When I was a kid I NEVER got one on one. I was completely jipped too. So, again, another reason I am one and done. I loved being pregnant though. Sigh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post
Hahaha. Your friend, is indeed, a whacked out soul.
I know right!
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

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  #16  
February 28th, 2013, 10:10 AM
sareymac's Avatar Mommy to Gary & Adalyn
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Yea I mean, I know that once I am pregnant and the next one comes my love will be there and I have the hubby to help make Gary feel just as loved as before but i cant help but be nervous about it ya know. But at the same time we dont want an only child. I couldnt imagine not having my brothers and sister growing up. But thats just us. If we can afford a bigger house someday we will prob have a third too
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  #17  
February 28th, 2013, 10:15 AM
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I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said.
I love my kids differently, but just as much. Having Eli didn't make me love Eliana less, and I daresay it taught me to love her more.
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  #18  
February 28th, 2013, 10:25 AM
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I grew up with three brothers and I would not change that for the world! I love them! Even when they are crazy!

But you are right Sarah, you cannot really worry about that if that is what you want.
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
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  #19  
February 28th, 2013, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post
It would change everything, for me. No more cuddles at night when I am with the new baby. No more one on one ALL DAY. No more taking him to the oark and playing with JUST him. When I was a kid I NEVER got one on one. I was completely jipped too. So, again, another reason I am one and done. I loved being pregnant though. Sigh.



I know right!
Well now I respect being done at one, everyone knows what is best for their families. Just like I know we are done at 2 and for my friend is on her 4th and not even in sight of the finish line yet knows what is best for her.
But fears of losing time with your LO because of a new baby should not be the reason ( I dont think thats what youre saying though, maybe it is I don't know)

When my son was born, DD was almost 3-and she instantly adored him.
Adding another person for not only you, but for a child only gives everyone another person to love- thats the way I see it. Not as another person to divide love-its adding love, not dividing.

in the early morning to have DD climb into bed and give me a hug and then kiss her baby brother on the head when he was a baby was just as wonderful as when it was just her and I. To see my daughter dote upon her baby brother was one of the most wonderful memories for me of them being small.

They both know they need only ask (and often they dont have to ask because I make a point to initiate it before they even do) to have one on one time and we do it! Its not a battle or hard to do either.
We have special dates just one on one to the park or store or playing a game just the two of us-for both of them but often times when offered they will eagerly ask along their sibling because they have more fun together than apart.
Theyd rather us all be together than have one on one time- 9 times out of 10!
And why not? Sharing fun is more fun than having it all to yourself.

I grew up in a big family and I never felt like I didnt get attention or a voice in the family. We were all very close and still are. I really can't imagine not having them- especially my little sister is the best friend in life I have!

So for the original topic of having favorites I literally cannot even fathom how that is possible in the heart and mind of any mother! Sure some children are easier going than others-but what does that have to do with LOVE!?

It is just an impossible prospect for me to even imagine that- my kids are very different, and I relate to them very differently but I dont favor one over the other. People who really do favor one child over others -and then go on to say that EVERYONE feels that way.....are lying to themselves.they just wish that was true so they dont have to feel bad for withholding love from other children.
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  #20  
February 28th, 2013, 10:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eowyn View Post
So for the original topic of having favorites I literally cannot even fathom how that is possible in the heart and mind of any mother! Sure some children are easier going than others-but what does that have to do with LOVE!?
I agree. I know that some kids will be easier then the next and so on, but love one more? Ehh, I'm not too sure about that one. You created that baby, carried him / her and nurtured her, and you can honestly say you love one more then the other?...
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
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