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Respect as a parent?


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  • 1 Post By crunchywannabe
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  #1  
February 27th, 2013, 09:13 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
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I have realized that I do not get enough respect as a Mother because I only have ONE child. So therefore that means I have not "seen it all", I have not had to "experience it all". I can "sleep more" and "I don't have much to worry about." I do NOT find this fair.

Anyone else feel this way, or made to feel this way? Comments from people, anyone? Or am I just a lame target for my so called "friends" and "family" to pick on?

When I get to Texas, I am seriously going to re-evaluate who I associate with in life.
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  #2  
February 27th, 2013, 10:16 PM
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I for obvious reasons can relate having all of NO children yet. But, I understand that I don't have any 'Mothering' experience, my whole life has been on the path to get there. I have the book education, the hands on experience. I still know it will be different raising my own, but that doesn't mean my limited experience means nothing. But I'm told that all the time. I'm not allowed to have opinions because I didn't push the baby I cared for on a daily basis out of my body.

My mom does talk about how she, as a social worker would receive calls in the middle of the night from desperate parents, who she honestly would judge as having something wrong with them, because she had a child at home, and she was managing just fine........ that was until my brother was born... She claims her advice went from "Well, you are the adult, so you need to accept that and make changes immediately blah blah blah" to "I understand! Just lock the bathroom door and hide in the bathtub for a little while, it'll be ok... I think" My brother was a completely different kid than I was, from newborn on.

From her perspective having had only 1 child she didn't have the 'experience' that she did after having 2, and then 3... I think that goes for everyone.

I personally think that everyone's personal experience is valid, and should be respected. But I guess that's the world of mothers... until you've done it 'their way' each individual is going to always have that feeling, of 'I have had it so much harder than you'.
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  #3  
February 27th, 2013, 10:36 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
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I just think that when a woman has a child and cares for him / her, is doing the absolute best she can do, provides, nurtures, and has a healthy happy baby then she MUST be doing something right. I think a Mother can only have one child and be a dang good Mom!

For example:

I have been asked how many children I have. And I say one, and people are like "only one..." and give me that look like psht! Kwim? Yes I have one but I am a good Mom and I do not need 10 kids to be a good one. I do not need 10 kids to feel the pressure of today's society in raising a child. And if I only have one that is my choice, so do not look down on me nor pour YOUR experiences onto me like I have had none.
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  #4  
February 28th, 2013, 04:43 AM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I went through that when I had only one child also. My parents thought I just got "lucky" with a kid who doesn't need to be spanked, and not all kids are like that, and some kids NEED it (apparently every kid they ever had...). It was frustrating. Not to make this about spanking but that was just my experience and it's an example. But I would tell them, there are families of 10 who NEVER hit ANY of their kids. They got lucky 10 times? and parents of 10 who hit ALL their kids. ALL their kids need it? They were unlucky that many times? There are countries that have outright banned spanking and the people living there took on new methods with better success. So, sorry, but no. Spanking is a choice.

Anyway, they didn't listen to me until I had 3 kids, at which point they realized there are other options and they can be utilized effectively, even when you have 3 VERY DIFFERENT children. But the point is, sometimes that respect doesn't come until you have more kids or your kid is older and you have been able to "prove" what you are doing (that they didn't agree with) is working. Of course, if you did everything THEIR way you'd get their respect off the bat. Is it true you have seen it all or experienced it all? Yeah. Guess what. Neither have they. You could have 100 kids and raise them all into adulthood and you STILL wouldn't have seen it all or experienced it all. And they could have 3 very easy kids and someone could have 1 very tough kid, and guess who is going to see and experience more? Same goes for sleeping more. Sure, it's easier *for most people* to get sleep with 1 kid than with 10. But that also really depends. I mean, they could have 10 kids who like to sleep from 8pm to 8am! Someone else could have one kid who wakes every hour no matter what they do.

Basically, it's not a fair or well thought out assessment, but it comes usually from people thinking you are wrong or being jealous when you "get it right" with something they are now realizing THEY got wrong. I think AP mamas have to deal with it a lot. Traditional Mamas want to come up with a reason you got lucky with your kids healthy sleep habits or good behavior, etc, because if it's because you actually know what they are doing, that means their children hurt and cried for no reason. Easier for them to say you just "got lucky" and don't have the same struggles and don't really know what it's like to be a parent yet. I mean, an I right? Are the people who make you feel this way not AP mamas?

Also, I hate to say it, but generally I find AP mamas to have less judgmental and sweeter and calmer personalities. I can actually tell when I meet someone if they would be/are an AP mama or not, just based on how pleasant they are to be around... I'm not saying there aren't some really great Trad. mothers out there. Heck, I love my own We have a great time chatting and shopping together! But there is this noticeable "air of gentleness" about AP mamas, to the point that when I find out they did baby wearing, I think, well, of course this lady did baby wearing! What else would I expect from such a person?! You can also often tell by their kids personalities, too. They will be sweet and very social, even with adults, and some are very soft spoken, but you don't sense any stress or "roughness" about them.

Anyway, just remember where it's coming from when people give you grief. It's more about their own fear of inadequacy than it is about them thinking you are inadequate. Someone who is confident in their own parenting won't feel the need to make you feel inadequate about yours.
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  #5  
February 28th, 2013, 05:00 AM
sareymac's Avatar Mommy to Gary & Adalyn
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UGH! I knowwww you have seen a friend of mine on FB is ALWAYYYYS acting like that to me. She knows everything about boys because she has ONE. She has a girl and a boy. She knows what diapers are best and that my child WILL end up not sleeping bc hers did, her favorite thing to tell me: "Wait, you have no idea". People are always going to make comments, for some reason, everyone things their unwanted criticism is helpful. I have no idea why moms always want to put other moms down. Its absolutely disgusting. To add to what this thread was started as, I also CANNOT stand the competition. My kids awesome, your kids awesome, we are not competing shut up.
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  #6  
February 28th, 2013, 05:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post
I just think that when a woman has a child and cares for him / her, is doing the absolute best she can do, provides, nurtures, and has a healthy happy baby then she MUST be doing something right. I think a Mother can only have one child and be a dang good Mom!
Absolutely!

Quote:
Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
You could have 100 kids and raise them all into adulthood and you STILL wouldn't have seen it all or experienced it all. And they could have 3 very easy kids and someone could have 1 very tough kid, and guess who is going to see and experience more? Same goes for sleeping more. Sure, it's easier *for most people* to get sleep with 1 kid than with 10. But that also really depends. I mean, they could have 10 kids who like to sleep from 8pm to 8am! Someone else could have one kid who wakes every hour no matter what they do.
Well said!
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  #7  
February 28th, 2013, 07:12 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
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Honestly, it's gonna happen no matter how many kids you have. There is always that person (or persons) who feel the need to tell you exactly how much more they know about parenting than you. Exactly how they "had it harder." Or exactly how you should handle your "only one" child.

I totally agree with Lost...you can have 100 kids and still never experience a particular aspect of parenting. Sure, there are different aspects of parenting. I have not experienced a child with special needs. I have not experienced twins. I have not experienced a girl (as my own). I have not experienced a formula-fed child. I have not experienced severe allergies. I have not experienced a good sleeper. I have not experienced a child who has very sensitive skin. Does that make me "less of a mother" because I have not experienced those things? NOPE. It means I have experience with what I have experience with. Just like you. Heck, with your one you might have experienced a wider gamut of things than I have with my soon-to-be three.

You could live a thousand lives and still not be "good enough" for some people. Just ignore it and demand the respect you deserve. Don't let them get away with putting you down. It's fine to stand up for yourself and don't back down. You have every right to be proud of your parenting, as long as you give other parents the credit they deserve as well.
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  #8  
February 28th, 2013, 08:25 AM
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You should move to liberal California. Here, people think you must be some kind of religious nut if you have more than 2 kids.

I don't get any grief about only having one so far, actually. The main thing I have heard is people being surprised that she is my first. When she was a little baby, people said I was way more calm and certain about her needs than most FTMs. I figured that was just from the cosleeping and EBFing and babywearing and the closeness we got from that. The lactation hormones in the beginning were pretty awesome for my mental state! And now that she is King Kong of the playground, hover-parents tend to comment that she must not be my first because I am so laid back about her climbing and doing slides and everything by herself. But that is just because I believe in free range parenting and I don't want to hover, I want her to learn safety and her own limits on her own. I tend to joke, "just wait and see how I am with the 3rd or 4th"
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  #9  
February 28th, 2013, 08:59 AM
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I absolutely agree that it will happen no matter how many kids you have. I just do not think it is right to have a "Mommy totem" so to speak. A Mother is a Mother, well one that is an actual Mother. I think you all know what I mean. You should not think that you have it harder because I have one. I know what I am doing. Not all the time, and sometimes I need advice, but when I do need it I will ask. Do not shove things down my throat because I am "un-experienced" with only one.

I guess my point of the story is, its 2013, when the heck are WOMEN going to STOP "bullying" and "analyzing" other women's parenting choices and styles. Enough already.
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  #10  
February 28th, 2013, 10:16 AM
sareymac's Avatar Mommy to Gary & Adalyn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post

I guess my point of the story is, its 2013, when the heck are WOMEN going to STOP "bullying" and "analyzing" other women's parenting choices and styles. Enough already.
^ THIS. Its disgusting the way people treat people. AND you're a mom whether you have one kid or 14 kids sometimes there should be more respect for women with one, they dont have other kids (older ones) to lend a hand.
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  #11  
February 28th, 2013, 10:24 AM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sareymac View Post
^ THIS. Its disgusting the way people treat people. AND you're a mom whether you have one kid or 14 kids sometimes there should be more respect for women with one, they dont have other kids (older ones) to lend a hand.
Exactly! It IS disgusting!
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
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and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

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  #12  
February 28th, 2013, 11:16 AM
Eowyn's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Even if you have 2 or 3 there will be someone with 4 or 5 who tells you you have got it easy- you cant possibly relate to HER level of losing sleep/laundry/ parenting/ etc etc.

And I can't even help to wonder if just one wouldnt be more work in some ways.
After all I can't help but notice a huge percent of the day at home my kids are entertained by playing TOGETHER. and even when DD was only a TODDLER when my son was a newborn-she REALLY lended a hand with little things all the time in helping with her little brother. Fetching pacifiers, diapers, wipes etc-
with older children helping out Id imagine that'd be even more of a hand for mom.
Now I consider myself a pretty fun "down on the floor with the kids" kind of mom, and they will certainly beg my attention to play with them often enough but
if I CANT play- they dont mind because they have eachother to play with even if I am not feeling up to it or too busy with chores etc...

I dont know if I would have the energy to keep up playing with my 4 year old all day at his pace- Ive got a 6 year old who is very eager to play and tire him out and they both have fun and I dont collapse from trying to keep up!
I get to be lazier about doing playdates too, lol! I can just point across the room and say" theres your play date! go play!"
Lol im just kidding,we do get out for playdates, but honestly- it's just ridiculous for anyone to say youre less of anything for just having one.
And then you have the moms who just LOVE to compete for 'whos life is the hardest' like its this great contest to be won! "I lose more sleep than you do! That makes me better!"
Seriously! the hardest thing I found out about becoming a mom-was meeting OTHER moms! lol! parenting is a breeze compared to having to face the world of mothers out there just waiting to judge and advise your every move!
I laugh about it-but really its such a shame that it is that way so often!
Women really need to support eachother! But then there are places and people that restore your faith in others- youve just gotta keep your eyes open for them and ignore the others along the way!
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Last edited by Eowyn; February 28th, 2013 at 11:20 AM.
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  #13  
February 28th, 2013, 11:22 AM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, as a mom to more than one, I have to say for ME more than one kid was harder than one in the ways you are talking about. Kids playing together? You mean, kids fighting LOL When I had one, my day was easy. Now that I have 3, I have kid a's needs, kid b's needs, kid c's needs, then how kids a and b interact, how b and c interact, how a and c interact, and how they interact all together. Everything costs more money, too!

However, I just realize for some people their 1 kid could STILL be more work than my 3 put together. And maybe having a second WOULD be easier for them. I don't know. I'm just speaking for myself. This idea that they would entertain each other or help out -- it's nice, but it's just not MY reality. I'm not saying I have it harder than another mom with 1, but I do have it harder than *I* had it with 1.

the point is though that it's not a contest. It's just our experiences.
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  #14  
February 28th, 2013, 12:29 PM
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My point is, some people I have come across, and this apply's to none of you ladies, these women with more then one almost feel like they should have a medal. Having a child can be easy, and it can be hard no matter how many or how little.
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  #15  
February 28th, 2013, 12:46 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post
My point is, some people I have come across, and this apply's to none of you ladies, these women with more then one almost feel like they should have a medal. Having a child can be easy, and it can be hard no matter how many or how little.
anyone who feels that way is having kids for the wrong reasons I agree with you completely. I don't think it's fair to say a mom with 10 kids is more of a mom than a mom with 1. I just also don't want to see anyone say a mom with 1 has it harder than a mom with 10, ya know? Everyone has their own struggles. It doesn't matter who has it harder, and even if someone has it 100 times harder than the next person, it doesn't mean that it's easy for the other person, ya know? It's like people who say you shouldn't complain if you break a leg because some people have cancer. Yes, cancer is horrible--definitely more horrible than a broken leg. But guess what? It still hurts having a broken leg and it's still hard! And there is always someone who has it harder or easier in this world, no matter who anyone is.

anyway, I'm really bummed that anyone treated you that way, IronMamma. You are a fantastic mama. And really, so many people have multiple kids and DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEM...
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  #16  
February 28th, 2013, 01:06 PM
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Exactly! Some people do not take care of their kids, and since they have like 5 they are the better parent. Whatever.

Thank you Lost. I feel like a fantastic Mamma!

We each have our own struggles and it's not fair to say who has it harder. Until you walk a mile in my shoes you have no say. And vise versa.
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

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  #17  
February 28th, 2013, 01:48 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just SHOW THEM. That's what I always told myself when it started to get to me. I'd say, "fine, they can judge me all they want, but they'll see, eventually."And if they don't--heck, at least it's still rewarding in the end. I'm not being a parent for THEIR sake! and if 10 years from now the same people are acting like you have it so easy, avoid the temptation to say, "Maybe then I'm just a smarter parent because I didn't have more kids than I could handle?" I mean, really, if you have it easy, with 1 kid or 100, that doesn't make you less of a mom. I mean, if anything, doesn't it make you MORE of a mom?
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  #18  
February 28th, 2013, 08:40 PM
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I can only relate in the sense that I have no biological children, and so somehow nothing I say or think counts with anyone. Never mind that I've extensively studied child psychology. Never mind that in being a child care provider I've gained experience with a wide variety of children, and even lived with and taken over 100% care of other peoples children in their absence. What I say amounts to nothing; I have no idea what I'm talking about because I've never flung a baby out of my vagina. I wonder what they would say to people who adopt?

I know we're all guided by our own experiences, but people seem to fail to recognize that their experience is not standard because there is no standard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post
You have every right to be proud of your parenting, as long as you give other parents the credit they deserve as well.
A-freaking-bob.
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  #19  
February 28th, 2013, 09:45 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
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Whatever. I love you ladies.
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Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
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and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

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