Log In Sign Up

Hugging family members?


Forum: Attachment Parenting

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree3Likes
  • 1 Post By alittlelost
  • 1 Post By breathing for two
  • 1 Post By sareymac

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Attachment Parenting LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
April 20th, 2013, 06:16 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,084
My MIL gave me hell the other day because I said I wouldn't force my baby to give ANYONE hugs or kisses if they didn't want to, regardless of age.
She thought that was teaching them to be very rude, in the instance that 'grandma gives them a gift' she clearly stated she'd expects a hug and kiss from little kids, and that it was customary for her kids to walk around the room giving every adult 'thank you hugs and kisses' on birthdays and holidays etc.

My husband's cousins are regularly forced to give us hugs if we give them gifts or when we are leaving a family event (they are 10 and 13 now). It's so painfully obvious they HATE it, and are uncomfortable, I generally try to offer them each a high five, and DH shakes the boy's hand. To be honest I'm not really that comfortable either. The relief on their face is usually comical.

Now I get that these people were all family members, and all quite close, but I can remember being a kid and being forced to hug adults that I didn't want to, I don't want that for my child.

All this said, I absolutely hope my kids want to hug their grandparents especially when they are young I don't see this being an issue because like in another thread here, many toddlers by nature are quite affectionate. But I guess I don't see anything wrong with respecting the child's feelings too. I always ask my nephew if he wants to sit with Auntie, or give Auntie hugs... and sometimes he does, and sometimes he refuses. Both are ok, and respected.

Hows this work in your family?
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #2  
April 20th, 2013, 06:39 PM
alittlelost's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6,861
I completely agree with your take on this. I think it actually sends a dangerous message to make kids feel like if someone does something nice for them, they are obligated to show them physical affection, or that if someone is an adult/related, etc, they are allowed to do things that make the child uncomfortable. I realize some people might think that is demonizing a seemingly innocent exchange, however, let me explain where I'm coming from, aside from my knowledge of psychology from the time I spent studying. It's more personal than that. My grandfather was, for nearly a year, molesting my little sister. And he did this by promising her gifts if she let him "rub her tummy" and such. So, I just don't think a kid should feel like they owe someone something that makes them uncomfortable in exchange for a gift; in fact, I think it's important to teach them the opposite from an early age--that NOTHING *anyone* does will require them to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable and if they feel uncomfortable, they should tell another trusted adult.
NinjaCakes likes this.
__________________
Thank you Jaidynsmum for the beautiful siggy!
Check out the Attachment Parenting Board for Effective Parenting Solutions.
PM me if have questions about autism, TTC gender swaying, natural childbirth, going "vaccine-free", or if you are looking for gentle discipline advice.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
April 20th, 2013, 06:53 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 150
Oh my! I have never even given this any thought because I have never perceived it as rude - but I never make my older daughter hug/kiss anyone she doesn't want to. If something nice is done for her (not always related to gifts) I ask if she wants to give them a hug. If she wants to - fine. If she doesn't want to - also fine.

Of course, I make sure she says thank you at the time and we usually have her follow-up with a thank you card/picture. But no, I never make my daughter give hugs/kisses if she doesn't want to.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
April 21st, 2013, 08:28 AM
Destiny
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,755
I think it's very good to not force someone to show physical affection when they're uncomfortable for all of the reasons already stated. I'm sure we all have memories of having our personal space violated and how intensely unpleasant it is. Children don't really have the words to say that they don't like it, and it's good to give them a simple choice like that.

While I understand that family and inlaws feel like they have a say in how you raise your children, it is really only up to you and your significant other. I always joke that if they really did have a say my inlaws would still be bickering with my parents about decisions from my first pregnancy. She'll have to eventually accept your decisions, even the ones she disagrees with.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #5  
April 21st, 2013, 11:53 AM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchywannabe View Post
My MIL gave me hell the other day because I said I wouldn't force my baby to give ANYONE hugs or kisses if they didn't want to, regardless of age.
What?! She actually gave you crap? I am the same way, with myself and will be with my son. Giving a person a hug can be very uncomfortable if you do not want to be close to that person. I agree with you 110%. If you do not want to give a hug, don't.

In my family, everyone gives a hug and a kiss on the cheek. When I was little it was more like routine then anything, but once I got older I kinda thought it was weird. Like on Thanksgiving we would always go to my Aunts house in Upstate, NY and there were literally 40 people there or more and when someone came everyone had to greet them with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. DH was always like that is so weird, and I honestly never thought of it like that but now I do see it like that. Why do we have to do that? I see these people like once a year, kinda strange. A simple hello would do the same thing.

Forcing affection onto a child with a person they are clearly not comfortable with in that close of a situation is not right, imo.
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
  #6  
April 21st, 2013, 07:30 PM
NinjaCakes's Avatar Awesomesauce
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,331
I've had an ongoing struggle with this in my life with my mother. Hugs are not me; I don't do hugs. People do force them on me though, and I struggle to say anything, which frustrates me to no end. Both of my parents had screwy ideas about forcing physical contact on children. I think you're entirely right not to make your child give any kind of affection that she doesn't want to. What rude really is, is her assuming she has a right to violate her grandchildrens feelings of security.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alittlelost View Post
I completely agree with your take on this. I think it actually sends a dangerous message to make kids feel like if someone does something nice for them, they are obligated to show them physical affection, or that if someone is an adult/related, etc, they are allowed to do things that make the child uncomfortable.
I could not agree with this more, or have said it more succinctly. Everything about teaching a child these things is not only damaging to their psychological development, it can be incredibly dangerous. Children need to know that those feelings of being uncomfortable mean something and should be listened to, that they have a right to say no. If we teach them to ignore the feelings, how can we ever expect them to let someone know if something inappropriate has happened? That danger aside, they may struggle with developing and expressing boundaries for years, if not forever. It is so much harder to correct that message as an adult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by breathing for two View Post
She'll have to eventually accept your decisions, even the ones she disagrees with.
Also agreed
__________________



Thanks so much Claire for my awesome siggy
Reply With Quote
  #7  
April 21st, 2013, 09:20 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
Do any of you ladies that do not do hugs not like them from your DH / SO?
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
  #8  
April 22nd, 2013, 03:48 AM
Destiny
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,755
Quote:
Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post
Do any of you ladies that do not do hugs not like them from your DH / SO?
occasionally, usually only when I'm in a certain mood.
IronMamma likes this.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #9  
April 22nd, 2013, 04:47 AM
sareymac's Avatar Mommy to Gary & Adalyn
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: OCNY
Posts: 6,203
Thats terrible that she gave you crap for that! I agree, you cannot force your child to do that!
My son, unfortunately and fortunately is a hugger and a kisser. He will hug / kiss anyone which we have to watch. Because if we let him he would hug random strangers. . . lol. He always tries to give my hub's friend kisses on the mouth and we are like YIKES lol! I grew up in a not very huggy home and so did hubs. I mean we both had loving homes, just not hands on. I always HATED being touched. My best friend, of 23 years, will randomly hug me just because I hate it lol. But since me and my husband have been together I am completely different with him. (I never was with other bfs) Anyway long story short...
You cant be expected to force that on your child. It's not fair!
__________________


A big thank you to Jaidynsmum for another gorgeous siggy!!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
April 22nd, 2013, 01:03 PM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
Quote:
Originally Posted by breathing for two View Post
occasionally, usually only when I'm in a certain mood.
I am the same way. If DH really ticked me off and tries to hug me I will tell him no.

Sarah, Drake actually ran to a stranger in the park the other day and hugged her, which was CRAZY to me because he will not even hug my mom!
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
  #11  
April 23rd, 2013, 06:05 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,383
I agree with you! There is no way I will force my kids to give anyone a hug if they don't want to. It is just awkward. Luckily I was never forced to hug anyone as a kid. I only gave hugs if I want to and I will do the same with my kids. They are very loving but only with me! lol. I think kids need to decide for themselves what they are comfortable doing and not doing.

I love hugs but only from certain people like dh and my dad.
__________________


Thank you so much AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
April 23rd, 2013, 10:46 AM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
When I hear about this it makes me wonder. What goes through people's heads? You want to MAKE a child hug? Isn't that a little weird?...and I love how when you do not agree you get looked at like you are the weird one.
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
  #13  
April 23rd, 2013, 11:15 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,383
Quote:
Originally Posted by IronMamma View Post
When I hear about this it makes me wonder. What goes through people's heads? You want to MAKE a child hug? Isn't that a little weird?...and I love how when you do not agree you get looked at like you are the weird one.
Exactly. I really don't get people.
__________________


Thank you so much AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
April 23rd, 2013, 11:15 AM
sareymac's Avatar Mommy to Gary & Adalyn
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: OCNY
Posts: 6,203
HAHA thats funny that he did that! Gary grabbed some old lady's hand at a restaurant one night as she was trying to get by and she was like AWW lol she was like OLD. He let her hand go and said Bye. She was about to cry she was so happy.
IronMamma likes this.
__________________


A big thank you to Jaidynsmum for another gorgeous siggy!!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
April 23rd, 2013, 11:41 AM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
Like 4 months ago we were out to eat and Drake stood on the booth seat and turned around and did his "happy hands" on the guy behind us. It's when both hands move extremely fast and he like hits you (not hard, to play) and he says "Ahahababahabababa!" I was like "OMG IM SO SORRY!" He did not mind. I thought it was hilarious!

And for the record. I will never understand Humans.
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
  #16  
April 24th, 2013, 03:43 PM
Social Halfwit's Avatar omg shoes
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 892
I have thought about this a lot. A couple years ago, my nephew was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum and ever since, I have always made sure to ask his permission before hugs and accepting "No" gracefully if he says it. It got me thinking about how we push kids to hug or kiss.. and it does bother me. I don't tickle the boys unless they ask to play tickle monster, and when they say stop I immediately stop, and encourage them to do the same.

I do ask the boys to give each other hugs and kisses when one/both of them are leaving for their dads, but I don't really pressure them to hug or kiss anyone else.
__________________

Ry, happily engaged to Zach.
Mom to Bodhi and Brigham.
Excited for Elliott Tesla in June 2014!




Reply With Quote
  #17  
April 25th, 2013, 12:36 AM
IronMamma's Avatar Intactivist
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,974
I think I would do the same. When DH leaves for work I will say something like "Give Daddy hugs!" and if Drake does not want too, then fine with me. There is no reason to pressure anything onto anyone, especially a child when he / she is still learning.
__________________


Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy

Want to find a calmer way to parent? Please visit here HINTA Hitting Is Never The Answer
Gentle parenting is about guiding instead of controlling,
connecting instead of punishing,
and encouraging instead of demanding.
It's about listening, understanding, responding and communicating.

)O( Peace on Earth begins at Home )O(

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:35 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0