Log In Sign Up

Discipline help?


Forum: Attachment Parenting

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree4Likes
  • 2 Post By Sassalota
  • 1 Post By KMH
  • 1 Post By Quantum_Leap

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Attachment Parenting LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
March 17th, 2014, 04:34 PM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 3,064
Firstly hello to all of you. I have two wonderful kids...one 3 YO DD and one 8 month old DS. I'm a baby wearing/organic feeding/selective delayed vax'ing AP and NP mama.
I need gentle parenting advice for my "threenager". She is highly intelligent (at 2.5 she met all her 5 yr milestones...her led feels her IQ is in the genius range) and she is very stubborn and headstrong. She doesn't listen at all to the point where I fear her hurting herself...running away from me in a crowd...hightailing it out the front door. I have tried everything...reasoning with her doesn't work...I can ask her nicely 20 times to do something...she doesn't listen unless I yell(I DONT want to yell). Timeouts don't work/naughty step doesn't work. She has been spanked on two occasions...once by my dad when he was babysitting her during an OB appt which I was NOT at all happy with him for and he hasn't been allowed to watch her since. The other my DH swatted her as a knee jerk reaction to coming out of the bathroom to find her pressing a large ball into her brothers face smothering him (he got an ear full for that as I know she was just trying to play) but those didn't work either other than they made her fearful of her grandpa and her daddy. I am at a loss. I keep trying to remember this too shall pass but I am at a loss.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #2  
March 17th, 2014, 04:38 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 490
Have you tried to offer two choices so she feels like she is in control? Like when you go outside you can either be held by mom or hold mommies hand. Those are the only two choices (for safety reasons) but she gets to decide?

I would frame everything as a choice for her and see if that helps. Like when we go outside, you can hold my hand or be held. If you do not do either, we go inside. Then you can say, you chose to go inside because you didn't want to hold my hand or let me hold you. Make the discipline that simple. Another example: Also I would say don't be afraid to include her in the choices. When we go to the doc app. grandpa is going to watch you. What kind of activity do you think you would like to do so you can sit quite? She might surprise you and say I want to bring my colors or whatever. You can say bring two activities.

Then when you get there remind her that she chose to either A or B until you are done. If she is naughty then maybe Grandpa needs to hold her or take her to the car where she just sits and doesn't get to use your activities. He can say, would you like to get down/go inside and play? You chose to be removed from playing because you didn't play with A or B. So make A or B the reward for sitting nicely and not bribe sit nicely. I know easier said than done sometimes.

We do this for church. My LO can bring a few quite toys to play with in the pew. If he gets loud and we have to remove him, we hold him in the back and he can't get down and run around or play with toys. We say if you want to play with toys or get down, you need to do that in the pew. You chose to not play with your toys by screaming and throwing books.....etc. Do you get the routine?

Also I have heard it helps to practice whatever you are needing help with. Like you can practice quite time at home for 15 minutes where they maybe just color or look at books. Tell them when you start and when they are done and tell them why and what you are practicing.

Thoughts? Would that work for her?
Keakie and MamaSkunk like this.

Last edited by Sassalota; March 17th, 2014 at 04:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
March 17th, 2014, 09:30 PM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 3,064
I will have to try that and see if that works with her thank you!
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #4  
March 18th, 2014, 06:54 AM
KMH KMH is offline
TTCMA Cheer Captain
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: right of center
Posts: 19,194
That's basically what I was going to say...choices and natural consequences. The Love & Logic books are a great resource for ideas about how to handle different situations and what the natural consequences might be.

I have a 3.5 year old stubborn, smart girl as well...they are great at testing boundaries at this age. It really helps my DD to feel like she has some control thru the choices. Hang in there, Mama!
Keakie likes this.
__________________


Melissa & DH
IVF babies Claire (4), Abigail (2) and George (2)

Reply With Quote
  #5  
March 22nd, 2014, 12:29 AM
Quantum_Leap's Avatar frequent flier
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Seattle area, Washington
Posts: 9,749
I am going to echo the Love and Logic recommendation! I don't love everything about it, but on the whole it's the best and most manageable approach that I have discovered works in most situations. As my husband says, even in times when it doesn't change the child's behavior, it certainly helps to make the adult feel calmer and control his/her behavior better (thus avoiding situations like the knee-jerk spankings you mentioned). See if you can check out the books on tape from your local library -- they're quite entertaining and a great access point for understanding the approach.

I'll also just throw this out there that for my boys (who are both exceedingly headstrong and stubborn), I've noticed that their behavior is 1000% different on days when they get to spend a large amount of time outside than on days when they're cooped up inside. They just have a tremendous amount of energy that needs an outlet, and when they get to play outside for an extended stretch, they use that energy in healthful ways and then don't feel as compelled to unleash it destructively on one another. If they play outside for a couple of hours, when they come back in they'll eat better (high protein helps), Beau will nap better, they'll be in a better mood overall....it's really an astonishing difference. I do find that with most misbehavior, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and sunshine/exercise/healthy food have been my three most effective methods of prevention.

Hang in there! This phase is always hard (especially with the very bright kids -- they know how to give you a run for your money!) But as she grows older, this phase will pass. It always does.
__________________

Thank you to the SSMC makers for my beautiful siggies!

(x2)(x2)(October 2011)
Reply With Quote
  #6  
March 24th, 2014, 09:22 PM
Quantum_Leap's Avatar frequent flier
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Seattle area, Washington
Posts: 9,749
I am going to chime in here again with another book recommendation. It is called "Ain't Misbehavin': Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime Blues and Other Perfectly Normal Kid Behaviors" by Alyson Schafer. Ain't Misbehavin': Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime Blues and Other Perfectly Normal Kid Behaviors: Alyson Schafer: 9780470679098: Amazon.com: Books I am reading it right now, and I think that I like it even better than Love and Logic. What I like best about it is that it is very accessible and easy to use. The table of contents has an extensive list of common kid misbehaviors, and then for each there is a section that discusses (a) the probably reasons for the misbehavior, and, (b) several tactics for addressing them. All of the tactics come from a philosophy of 'democratic parenting' which involves addressing the cause of the misbehavior and working towards problem-solving rather than using punishments and rewards as a knee-jerk reaction. Each section is really short and easy to read, which is extremely helpful, since I'm often reading the sections in-between dealing with other kid-related issues. Also, I like that for each issue they list several different possible solutions, as in, "If this doesn't work, then try this...." Often I find that I need more than just one recommendation in order to problem solve effectively! I highly recommend you check this out from your library -- it's worth a try, anyway.
Sassalota likes this.
__________________

Thank you to the SSMC makers for my beautiful siggies!

(x2)(x2)(October 2011)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:34 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0