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Feeling so lost with breastfeeding...


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  #1  
July 9th, 2007, 03:54 PM
*Aspen*
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Nobody in my family (no one at all in either families) understands breastfeeding. They think you can just leave the baby for X amount of hours and come back whenever it's convenient for you.

"She'll live, she doesn't HAVE to breastfeed all the time."
"She can eat REAL food."
"She doesn't have to nurse to sleep. She needs to learn to grow up."
"She doesn't need to be with you 24/7 you need to go do your own thing."

I would love to be able to leave the house for X amount of hours, go to a movie etc etc...but Kailey feeds on demand and I'm OK with that. PERFECTLY ok with that. Josh keeps getting angry at me though because I won't let my sister/BIL watch Kailey so we can go out to eat and to a dinner.........We'd be gone.....like 6 hours if we did that and Kailey nurses A LOT, I can't go that long without her because she cries. Her schedule is to nurse to sleep and nurse when she gets a booboo...and nurse for dinner and lunch etc... Everyone seems to think that I can just up and change everything she is used to doing and she can just "deal with it"...."learn to live without it"....No one understands that a sudden change in parenting style towards a child is NOT good for the child. Especially something like nursing which isn't used JUST for food.

No one understands that either. They all see breastfeeding as = food only. They don't understand the attachment, bonding, comforting, sleep pattern behind it. When I try to explain they think I'm crazy! They think I'm just being a big baby who doesn't want to leave my daughter. I'm sorry, but no that is not it. I don't have a problem with someone watching my daughter, but I *DO* have a problem with just suddenly changing my daughters entire schedule of how she eats, sleeps and recieves comfort on every whim that I get because I want to go out and have fun.
Excuse me, I mean when OTHERS want me to go out and have fun.

No one understands!!!!!!!!!! Now I have to get a part time job. Josh is expecting me to work 30 hours a week and I don't plan on working that much. I will be breastfeeding Kailey until she weans herself or I'll wean her SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY so that her and I are BOTH comfortable with the transition, but I won't make any sudden drastic changes just because

"I feel like it."
"So I can have fun."
"So I can have freedom."
"Because she needs to grow up."

This is how everyone expects me to act^^^^^. That's not ME! I'm OK with feeding her on demand, and I only want to work like 4-5 hours here or there and then come home and be with my baby. I'll have to nurse her before I leave and as soon as I get home because she is very demanding with her nursing, and I'M OK WITH THAT! But NO ONE ELSE IS!!!!!!!!!!!! Josh and I were talking today about me working and I told him I only plan on working weekends and like 2 nights a week somewhere....just a small job until Kailey is emotionally/physically ready to be without me for long periods of time. Once she is ok with me being away for a long time, then I'll work more and more, but I'm not going to have this sudden huge change and just FORCE Kailey to deal with it.

That is how everyone thinks around here. Oh wow she's turning 1 she doesn't need to breastfeed anymore! It's gross...ew... she's too old for that. HOW can I get them to understand! How can I get them to see that these sudden changes in her life are not good?!?!

I never thought I would nurse over a year, it just never crossed my mind and I didn't know that children did nurse past a year until I was pregnant. I had already decided to nurse Kailey a long time ago, but I never read into extended nursing because I thought she'd stop on her own. Well, she's not and I'm OK with that, but no one else is!! Everyone thinks I need to stop being "mommy" on the drop of a dime because she's 1!

What can I say to get them to get off my back? What can I say to my HUSBAND, he's pretty ignorant on breastfeeding and I'm not sure how to approach to him about the benefits of extended breastfeeding. Imagine the most hairpulling breastfeeding debate between my husband and I. I don't want that...but that is exactly how it's going to be when everyone realizes that I'm still going to nurse. How to I battle the ignorant remarks without being hurt? It WILL hurt my feelings and make me feel like some horrible over-protective mom who just doesn't want to let go of her "baby".

I just wish people would listen to me..... I feel like Kailey and I are all alone. WE understand it and it's OUR relationship so why does everyone else have to give me their unwanted advice on HOW I should parent?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

And when I tell people all the things I've learned off these debate boards, they roll their eyes. "Oh yea, the internet.... some little silly chat room. The ppl are probably all fake. You can't believe anything you read off the internet. "

And when I tell my sister about cool breastfeeding info/stats or w/e she's like "that is NOT true" and then rolls her eyes. Couldn't be because she formula fed could it? NOOOOOOOOOO get all freaking defensive because I'm telling you some facts about something I learned. Lets not believe the real world, we'll just all go along with w/e you feel like Jess. GRRR!
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  #2  
July 9th, 2007, 04:10 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Weaning should be a gradual thing, so you are right on with what you are doing. It doesn't matter if other people agree with you.

Mom leaving baby should also be a gradual thing. First mom can go shopping for an hour, then slowly work up to longer periods away from baby. It's all about what you and your baby are comfortable with.

I can sort of see the other side of this too, because nursing a baby to sleep every night means you can never go out at night, and some people do get tired of that and want a bit more freedom. But if YOU don't want more freedom, then it doesn't matter; it's your life.
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  #3  
July 9th, 2007, 04:16 PM
*Aspen*
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Quote:
Weaning should be a gradual thing, so you are right on with what you are doing. It doesn't matter if other people agree with you.

Mom leaving baby should also be a gradual thing. First mom can go shopping for an hour, then slowly work up to longer periods away from baby. It's all about what you and your baby are comfortable with.

I can sort of see the other side of this too, because nursing a baby to sleep every night means you can never go out at night, and some people do get tired of that and want a bit more freedom. But if YOU don't want more freedom, then it doesn't matter; it's your life.[/b]
Exactly! I totally understand that too, but I'm OK with waiting to have my..."freedom" back, no one else seems to realize that. I think Kailey is gradually weaning off night feedings on her own anyway. She's starting to put her self to sleep here and there during the week and she only nurses 1-2 times a night now.
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  #4  
July 9th, 2007, 04:24 PM
chloe82
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Man, that sucks.
As far as everybody else goes, there's not a whole lot you can do I don't think....I mean if they're going to have different opinions from you they're going to have different opinions from you, you CAN try and deflect some of it by saying simply that your decision is to continue nursing her, that you are sure you're doing what is best for her and you don't really want to discuss it any further than that....that you don't want to feel like you have to defend your personal parenting decisions. That SHOULD shut them up but if it doesn't....I don't know, I guess then you either have to keep your distance from those people and their aggravating comments if you can't take it anymore, or just decide to ignore it....like water off a duck's back. Easier said than done though, I know.
I went through the same (but yet opposite) situation (I was having a terrible time BF and decided to quit BF and start FF instead and got a LOT of guff from family/friends)...so I know where you're coming from with people's unwanted comments and criticism. Luckily for me, dh was completely on my side in regards to my decision and HE stepped up and told everyone to leave me alone about it already, and that was pretty much the end of it. Sometimes people need to be told that they're causing you unnecessary stress....they might not realize the implication of what they may think is just helpful advice.
As for your dh....I don't know, that's a lot tougher....and more important, unfortunately! I'm not sure what to say about that situation other than that I would suggest you guys have a big sit-down conversation about his/your expectations and hopes in regards to the nursing and working situation. Do you HAVE to work (financially) or does he just want you to? Does he truly understand the benefits that you're striving to get from continuing to nurse? Can you print off some kind of a brief summary of the info that you believe is important....maybe if he truly understood where you are coming from and WHY he would be more supportive. If he doesn't come around, I honestly don't know!! I don't know, I'm not much help here! I guess it comes down to compromise and negotiation on both parts, but you need his support whatever you decide in the end! It's hard enough having everyone else come down on you, I'm sure it would mean so much more to you if at least HE was in your corner!
I hope you guys can resolve this soon!
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  #5  
July 9th, 2007, 04:45 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lafayette, Indiana
Posts: 4,213
You need to take solace in the fact that YOU are the only educated person (when it comes to BFing) in that circle of people who are criticizing your decisions! You can't control their behavior, and you have to know that you are going to receive so much resistance to continued BFing, especially if it continues beyond a year, just expect it. Try to educate them as best as you can and explain your position. If they continue to be closed-minded and unsupportive, just set firm boundaries: "This is my choice based off of much research and what I know about babies. Please do not bring this up again since it is upsetting to me." YOU are doing the right thing, just keep that in mind above all else!
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  #6  
July 9th, 2007, 05:06 PM
rachna's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am sorry you are not getting the support you need. I would let them all know that you are doing what you feel is best and right and you really do not need their criticisms or opinions on the matter. Weaning should be graduaal and it sounds like you are doing a great job
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  #7  
July 9th, 2007, 05:15 PM
Ms.Michelle
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I think you're 100% in the right.. The people above have given you some great advice which I agree with and embrace.

You know, I have family that just doesn't get it as well. It's killer because right now we are seperating in major spilts. I think sometimes people/family are too used to belittling a person's feelings and opinions. That is so hard to work with. If I had any idea how to help you get them to see your side, I would suggest it. Personally, I learned about personal boundaries. My family don't like those boundaries and are drifting away. I'm sorry you're having to deal with any situation like that with family.

As for your SO, please sit down with him and try to see if you guys can work out a compromise. If he is belittling you.. god help me what my next advice will be to you.

You're a great mom for sticking to your guns. I hope you both can figure it out.

Lots of love, Michelle

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  #9  
July 9th, 2007, 06:41 PM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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No matter WHAT you do, there will always be people who criticize... I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you need. I agree, though, that you are an awesome mom for sticking to your guns and doing what you feel is right for you and your baby no matter what they say.

Ironically, when I was nursing and fed Eric on demand, I had a lot of criticism from people about not putting him on a schedule, etc. Then he went to daycare and everyone complained about how daycares schedule children! In the end, it's you and her, and if it works - do it.
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  #10  
July 9th, 2007, 06:50 PM
~Jess~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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OMG, you poor thing. I'm surrounded by a ton of pro-bfing friends and family and even they are telling me that "it's about time to wean Ethan." I can't even imagine how rough it would be with non-supportive ppl! I'm so sorry you're going thru this. My main response to those comments is "The World Health Organization recommends bfing to the age of 2, and his dr. says that he's still benefiting from the breastmilk." Usually that at least shuts their mouths, if not the eye rolling.

As far as your husband, can you take him to the pedi with you and have Kailey's dr. go over all of the benefits that she is receiving from the bm? Maybe if he hears it from her dr., he'll be more supportive of it. Even my dh uses my breastmilk medicinally! It heals just about anything: sore throats, ear infections, sinus infections, scrapes/cuts, skin rashes, general immune system boost, etc.
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  #11  
July 9th, 2007, 07:23 PM
glasscandie's Avatar What I make is what I am
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with family, and especially with your husband, that must be the toughest of all. I always feel like a broken record unless DH and I are a united front about certain things.

It sounds like you really need to establish some clear boundaries, like a few other ladies have said. I used to have a lot of problems with my MIL, she would stick her opinions in where they didn't belong, and criticize the choices DH and I made regarding DD's he alth, and our family (to give you an idea of how headstrong she is: she was so against DH and I getting married, that she didn't come to our wedding!). And DH wasn't much help in the beginning, he'd not say anything at all, while she was sitting there complaining! Or, he'd just fight with her, which didn't help anything, because he was still engaging her in the conversation that she had no business being a part of. The only way we got her to stop was to sit down with her, as a team, and explain what was OK for her to comment on and what wasn't. It took a few months of DH not participating in conversations with her when she brought up XYZ for it to sink in, but it worked - and our family is nice and harmonious now. Boundaries.

As for your DH, I dunno. Mine was proBFing 100% so I never had to deal with that. I think bringing him to the ped.'s a good idea. Maybe print out some articles?
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  #12  
July 9th, 2007, 07:35 PM
~Faith~
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I hope it gets better for you. I can't really give any advice since I formula fed. But I say stick to your guns, girl and do what's best/right for you and your baby girl. These ladies on here have tons of knowledge in this area, I'll be thinking of you.
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  #13  
July 10th, 2007, 07:14 AM
*Aspen*
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Thank you all so much. Your support DOES mean a lot to me, it means a WHOLE lot to me!!!! I think you are right about boundaries, I'll just have to set some AFTER I have a sit-down with dh, that way he will be backing me up on the boundaries.

He isn't opposed to breastfeeding, he just isn't very knowledgeable about it and how many benefits it has. It's not common around here at all (I've seen 3 women breastfeed in my entire life. One was my SIL but her son weaned at 8mths.)....so people just aren't used to it. I've been gathering some information on extended breastfeeding and I'm hoping it will be ready by tonight so we can sit down and go through it.

Thank you all again so very much!! SO SO very much!!!!!! I will let you all know how it goes!
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  #14  
July 10th, 2007, 07:15 AM
Tofu Bacon
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((Hugs)) I'm right there with you; I don't feel the need to "get away" from my child and other people just don't get it. My mil is the worst because she is actually jealous that ds favors me over her
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  #15  
July 10th, 2007, 07:28 AM
*Aspen*
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Forgot to add:

Kailey has had a few different Dr.'s and none of them are educated on breastfeeding. They always make those comments that make you cringe when you go to the Dr. and they don't realize they are being negative because they aren't educated on it. So the Dr. advice is a no-go.

We don't NEEEEEED me to work, but it sure would help! We really need another car and we are working so hard on paying off our debt and dh's face (look in my siggie) is going to need surgery probably and he doesn't have insurance so that's going to cost a lot of money so it would be best for me to work. I don't mind working a few hours here or there, but I'm not going to work a LOT, I'm a SAHM until Kailey is ready to be more independent.

Michelle, I think you are dead on about family members feeling free to give unwanted advice....we are mean to each other growing up (picking on each other and whatnot) so we are used to saying what we want without worrying about others feelings because at the end of the day we know they will still be there if they get mad or not.
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  #16  
July 10th, 2007, 07:29 AM
*Aspen*
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((Hugs)) I'm right there with you; I don't feel the need to "get away" from my child and other people just don't get it. My mil is the worst because she is actually jealous that ds favors me over her [/b]
Wow. LOL! I'm not sure what to say to that except....just wow...
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  #17  
July 10th, 2007, 07:46 AM
mommyKathyX3
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YOu could have practically written my life story in your first post. No joke. I dont get much of the ACTUAL slack, but our few friends have stopped calling us cause I dont want to go places we cant take Cade, and so many of my family gives me "those" looks now. Cade does take a pacifier and will be ok for a couple hours away from me, but more than that and its just a HUGE PITA. Hes just over 10 months old, and Joey keeps hinting to "maybe you should try giving him a bottle" cause I think he wants my boobs back I dont feel comfortable nursing a 2 yr old, but if Cade goes for another 6-12 months, I'll be ok with it. I dont have any ADVICE other than just TRY to ignore it and know that you are doing what is best for Kailey. It sucks that people arent more supportive of parenting choices. Its not like we are doing things detrimental to them. Hugs!
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  #18  
July 10th, 2007, 11:15 AM
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((hugs))

I know the feeling. I kind of want my "freedom" at the same time, I do enjoy nursing. I'd like to wean, and all that stuff, but it would be very difficult on her. We kind of "shocked" hailey with me work 5 to 8 hours 3x a week, but she's actually doing surprisingly well with it. With me, she knows nursing and wants only that. With daddy, she will accept solids much better. Dh though is pro BFing, he hasn't even brought up weaning.
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  #19  
July 10th, 2007, 12:20 PM
*Aspen*
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In a way though it is my fault. Josh has made 2 comments that could have gotten me so fired up. But when I get VERY angry at him I can't think straight so I didn't try to educate him on those two comments....I just told him "Josh, there are some things that you do NOT want to mess with me on and this is one of them." That's why I love the debates so much here. I can think and process my information before I say what I want to say. IRL, I can't think in the heat of the moment, and if I try I get flustered and end up not getting the point across and sound stupid and I get defeated easily.....this site is like my venting coping tool. LOL!

There are some characteristics I WISH I had and that is being able to be quick and witty...to be able to think on my feet and put ppl in their places when need be. I'm really a wuss in real life. It's a huge downfall of mine, I cannot think clearly in the heat of the moment so I never say what I want to be able to say so I just shut up so I don't act rash. Then other ppl think I'm just being quiet because I know I'm wrong which isn't the case.....I just have to process my thoughts, but by the time I do..... the argument is over and it would be pointless bringing it back up kwim? *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I need to work on some things as well...
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  #20  
July 10th, 2007, 03:53 PM
Ms.Michelle
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Ironically, when I was nursing and fed Eric on demand, I had a lot of criticism from people about not putting him on a schedule, etc. Then he went to daycare and everyone complained about how daycares schedule children! In the end, it's you and her, and if it works - do it.[/b]
^ That's a pretty funny point!

Quote:
Kailey has had a few different Dr.'s and none of them are educated on breastfeeding. They always make those comments that make you cringe when you go to the Dr. and they don't realize they are being negative because they aren't educated on it. So the Dr. advice is a no-go.[/b]
Yet people wonder why we question the system when the WHO says one think and our al-mightly powerfuly godlike doctors say another?

Quote:
In a way though it is my fault. Josh has made 2 comments that could have gotten me so fired up. But when I get VERY angry at him I can't think straight so I didn't try to educate him on those two comments....I just told him "Josh, there are some things that you do NOT want to mess with me on and this is one of them." That's why I love the debates so much here. I can think and process my information before I say what I want to say. IRL, I can't think in the heat of the moment, and if I try I get flustered and end up not getting the point across and sound stupid and I get defeated easily.....this site is like my venting coping tool. LOL!

There are some characteristics I WISH I had and that is being able to be quick and witty...to be able to think on my feet and put ppl in their places when need be. I'm really a wuss in real life. It's a huge downfall of mine, I cannot think clearly in the heat of the moment so I never say what I want to be able to say so I just shut up so I don't act rash. Then other ppl think I'm just being quiet because I know I'm wrong which isn't the case.....I just have to process my thoughts, but by the time I do..... the argument is over and it would be pointless bringing it back up kwim? *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I need to work on some things as well...[/b]
Don't be too hard on yourself.. It's taken me 10-12 years to empower myself enough to stand up to my family. They would claim otherwise but I really did hold back with them because a person gets so confused with how to negotiate with the people you love. Setting up the boundaries with some people, you kinda *know* the conscequences will be a far higher price because of their controlling personalities. No one likes to be told no, right?
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