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-   -   Questioning my desire.... (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f108-forty-something-and-plus-mommies/2517996-questioning-my-desire.html)

sandel07 April 23rd, 2012 09:57 AM

Questioning my desire....
 
I have never posted here but am hoping for some responses.....

I will try to make a long story short.

I have 2 sons from a previous relationship who are 11 and 13. That relationship ended shortly after my first loss. I started a new relationship just over 2 years ago with Ryan who does not have children of his own. On our first date he asked me if I wanted more children and I said YES, absolutely. Since then we have had 5 losses. With the last pregnancy my intial thoughts were OMG, do I want this? DO I really want to start all over? Is it far to my boys? What if things dont work out do I want to be a single parent for another 18 years? I need a bigger house.....So since then I have been questioning my desire to have more children. MY question is have any of you felt this way and went on to have more children? For the last several years all I wanted was at least 1 more baby, and now for the last few weeks I keep feeling I should be done.

I know I cant have a child just for him, it needs to be for us. But I keep thinking he can always regret not having a child, but could i regret having another one? Probably not.

neefer April 26th, 2012 12:11 AM

Re: Questioning my desire....
 
We have a few things very much in common. I had DD1 with first DH and we divorced when she was 8. I had always wanted a large family, but it was never to be. I was single for a few years, then met DH2 at age 41. He was 50. We agreed to NTNP and see what happened. I had pretty much given up on the idea of being able to have any more. Anyway, within several months I began getting pregnant. I had 4 MC's. They were very close together and I'm a very sensitive person...took them all pretty hard. So then I got PG for the 5th time and assumed it would be another loss. It took me til about 14 weeks to realize this baby might stay. She did...so DD2 was born when I was 43. I am now 46 and my little one will turn 2 in two weeks.

So much for the background info. Here's what I can tell you about the emtional part. I was definitely not having a baby primarily for HIS desire. I'm sure I wanted it more than he did...so in that way your story and mine aren't related. But I can tell you that multiple losses can wreak havoc on your sense of goals and desires. I felt like there was no hope of carrying a baby, so part of my mind was trying to convince me I might not really want one...."what are you thinking at age 42?" or "God must be telling me it's time to give up or that it's just not the right way to go" and every day, all I could think about was how I couldn't carry a healthy baby bc of "old eggs" and is it possible to have a minority of "young eggs" in there at the same time?

Since baby's been born, life has thrown me some serious roadblocks and things have been quite rough. But you know what? I have my precious little girl AND my precious 17 year old girl and they are definitely my life. Friends and family asked me many times during my PG's and losses what I was doing this for because my oldest was "almost done and grown...why start over"? And I always said..."what else am I gonna do for the next 18 years?". I still feel that way even though it's been a way harder road than I planned. That's just how life is. No crystal balls.

I'm not trying to convince you to have or not have another baby. I just want you to know that figuring out your sense of direction and self-awareness can be very complicated when you've been through tough times like MC's. You said you had wanted a baby for years, but only for the last few weeks have felt otherwise. I think you need more time to get through the process than that.

And about one partner agreeing to have a baby because the other one wants it?? It happens all the time. First DH had children from previous marriage and didn't really want more...he did it for me cause he loved me. Another example...I have a male friend who married several years ago and the agreed to never have children. She didn't have any and he had one from previous marriage. Well, years into the marriage she decided she needed to be a mom after all. He said no way and they separated over it. I listened to my friend on the phone who was very sad and questioning the "fairness" of what she did after agreeing to not have children. He said he loved her very much and didn't want to see another man putting a smile on her face. I asked him if having a baby was such a bad thing to lose his wife over, because that is exactly what was happening. He changed his mind, they got back together, had fertility issues!! He even went thru fertility assessments and treatments. They now have a little baby boy, and my friend is so happy he even wants to be a stay at home dad!

OK...I wrote such a novel...so sorry. But when I read your post, it struck me and I feel I have a lot of experiences. I hope I have helped in some way. Feel free to PM if you'd like, or post here and I'll check in. Good luck with your decision. Take your time with it. And try to go with the flow because after all of this, I don't think much of it is in our hands anyway.

sandel07 April 26th, 2012 11:34 AM

Re: Questioning my desire....
 
You have brought tears to my eyes.

I just wanted to hear that someone else understood how I have been feeling and what the outcome was for them. You have no idea how much I appreciate you sharing this.

Thank you so MUCH!!!!

neefer April 27th, 2012 12:26 AM

Re: Questioning my desire....
 
Aw Sandy...I'm so glad I reached out. You can see I don't post much and I haven't in a long time. Something made me do it. Best wishes to you and your family.


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