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Mom2Froggy December 3rd, 2011 10:53 AM

That time of year.
 
I hate this time of year... yet love it.

Well Lily is turning 8 on Monday. I have a sort of dilemma... Her father has not called since she was 1. He is actually married this year though, so I wonder if he will actually call.

Lily is having a party next week, and I asked the parents to RSVP by Tuesday. I don't normally answer numbers I dont know in case it's her father.

Do I answer phone numbers I dont know in the next few days, or let them go to voice mail? I will seriously be beyond myself if that ******* calls. I don't know if he will, but, who knows, he might call. Not that I will talk to him anyways.

So would you let numbers go to voice mail and call the parents back that RSVP, or just answer and if it's him.... hang up? I just don't feel like he has any kind of right to talk to me OR Lily.

I love this time of year because my baby is getting so big :)

New Mama December 3rd, 2011 11:09 AM

Re: That time of year.
 
I'm assuming you legally have full custody if he hasn't even called in that long? (@-hole).

I would opt to let the calls go to VM. Personally, when I'm RSVPing for something I prefer to leave a VM.

If her dad calls, you can decide where to go from there (as far as calling him back goes). I also recommend documenting if he does call & how you responded.

That being said, your daughter's probably getting to an age where at some point she's (maybe) going to want to know/connect with her father. You're probably going to have to seriously think about how to handle that when/if the time comes. You're not going to want her to resent you one day for not allowing her to have any relationship with him (if that's what they both want). Hopefully one day she'll realize what an ***** he is on her own knowing you never interfered or influenced her opinion.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It probably crosses your mind every year and I would hate to have anxiety over the same issue year after year.

Mom2Froggy December 3rd, 2011 11:57 AM

Re: That time of year.
 
I don't have legal custody, Im afraid to take him to court for fear of courts granting him rights. He hasn't seen my child since a week after she turned 1, and she turns 8 on Monday. In my eyes, he shouldn't have any rights to her if he has never tried to talk to her, support her, and tried to kidnap her when she was 1 (the last time he saw her). He took ****** care of her when he did see her. So in my eyes, he has no right to see her. I think it would be detrimental to her to suddenly say "Hey heres your Dad" and let him see her.

I will never lie to her about her father, but only, and ONLY when she asks. She has not asked yet. I have never changed my number, so he can get a hold of me but hasn't. When her great grandfather passed away they listed her in the obituary.... but no one contacted me. Oh, but her name was spelled wrong. Her father has always had a way to connect with me but never has. I have always kept my email open and phone has been the same number sine we were together, but he has never called or emailed. So, ya know, if he wanted to be there he would.

I also don't influence her opinion because we never bring him up. Ever. She has never asked about her father, and we haven't brought him up. That is something we decided we would approach when she brings it up herself, and she hasnt yet. The only time she started to say something was when she realized she had a different last name than me, but we were in the process of changing it legally. But she never outright asked "Who is my Dad/Why do we have different names." So I have never lied, and will never lie. That is a promise I have made, it's just a topic I haven't said to her yet, ya know?

Oh and we do have everything documented. He hasn't called in years, or contacted me in any way in years, as I said. He hasn't supported her in even longer. The most support he has ever given in her entire life was 50 bucks. Everything he has done, we have documented. We have her attempted kidnapping documented. We have EVERYTHING documented. We haven't changed my cell number just in case he does try to contact me.

I hate what position he has put me in, because I wish he had no rights. He shouldn't have rights, because he hasn't been in Lily's life. Tony has been in her life since before Matt left, and he will be the one adopting Lily when we marry. But until we marry, Matt technically has rights even though he has been absent for 7 years. Which I find to be complete BS. I don't want my daughters life turned upside down because Matt finds it convenient to pop back into her life as he deems fit, ya know?

New Mama December 3rd, 2011 02:37 PM

Re: That time of year.
 
I want you to know that I agree with you from a motherly standpoint. Just because a man fathers a child, that does not entitle him to being a "father."

Unfortunately, I imagine it's different from a legal perspective, although I can't imagine a court/judge granting someone custody (at least not joint and certainly not immediately) after not having seeing their child for years.

I didn't mean to suggest AT ALL in my post that you should just hand your child over to him. He would be a complete stranger to her and obviously you really don't even know him anymore or trust him so yeah...no way! I hope it's never an issue for you.

I just know that a time could potentially come where she does ask or where he does contact you and you may have some serious decisions to make regarding how present he is in her life, should either one of them (more him than her) choose to pursue a relationship. Does he live in close proximity to you?

I hope I didn't offend you or come across as agreeing with him.

Mom2Froggy December 4th, 2011 06:56 PM

Re: That time of year.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by New Mama (Post 25278570)
I want you to know that I agree with you from a motherly standpoint. Just because a man fathers a child, that does not entitle him to being a "father."

Unfortunately, I imagine it's different from a legal perspective, although I can't imagine a court/judge granting someone custody (at least not joint and certainly not immediately) after not having seeing their child for years.

I didn't mean to suggest AT ALL in my post that you should just hand your child over to him. He would be a complete stranger to her and obviously you really don't even know him anymore or trust him so yeah...no way! I hope it's never an issue for you.

I just know that a time could potentially come where she does ask or where he does contact you and you may have some serious decisions to make regarding how present he is in her life, should either one of them (more him than her) choose to pursue a relationship. Does he live in close proximity to you?

I hope I didn't offend you or come across as agreeing with him.

Oh no I didnt think that at all :) I don't know where he lives exactly... his last known address was where he lived with me. He then moved to Texas and no one would tell me where he lived. Then he moved back to Colorado and no one would tell me where he lived again... but from where I think he lives, is his grandfathers house. But again, I dont know for sure. I really have no **** idea where he lives. I dont even know where his mother lives anymore. His entire family basically shoved us aside and so I have no freaking idea where any of them are. It's such a twisted situation, and I just am waiting for the day where he pops up and thinks he has the right to be in her life after all this time and after never, ever being there, and I have no idea how I will keep my cool, ya know?

Repti.Mom December 14th, 2011 05:28 AM

Re: That time of year.
 
I like leaving a voicemail too, otherwise it's really awkward I'm always like um.. this is Beth, so and so's mom, then the person seems confused... you're having a party duh!! lol and then I tell them so and so is or is not attending the party. If they're not coming I always feel the need to make up an excuse that is better than what is really happening. LOL

As for the dad thing, I'm sorry for her :(. It certainly might not be the case that he couldn't have visitation the minute he stepped back in her life. I had a situation like that.. but keep in mind custody and visitation are way different than primary physical placement, and you'll still call all the shots.

Mom2Froggy December 14th, 2011 09:37 PM

Re: That time of year.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Repti.Mom (Post 25330672)
I like leaving a voicemail too, otherwise it's really awkward I'm always like um.. this is Beth, so and so's mom, then the person seems confused... you're having a party duh!! lol and then I tell them so and so is or is not attending the party. If they're not coming I always feel the need to make up an excuse that is better than what is really happening. LOL

As for the dad thing, I'm sorry for her :(. It certainly might not be the case that he couldn't have visitation the minute he stepped back in her life. I had a situation like that.. but keep in mind custody and visitation are way different than primary physical placement, and you'll still call all the shots.

Even still calling the shots, and knowing visitation and custody and all that jazz are different, I just have an ill taste in my mouth about her having no idea about him and knowing only my SO and step dad (the only father figures in her life since she was a baby) and then suddenly having a "Dad" in her life... even if it was visitation. I just think it would do more harm than good. I just have an ill taste in my mouth about it, especially since I don't think any good intentions could come from it since his entire family haven't given a **** about her for 8 years and didnt care enough to pick up the phone to ask about her, to write her, to send a birthday present, to notify me that her great grandfather died... all that stuff basically tells me that his entire family doesn't deserve her so I really don't think he deserves her no matter how much time passes. That's just me though. My SO is the one that has been there for the snotty noses, the sick days, the special days, the birthdays, the outings, and for every day in between. **shrugs** Ya know?

Repti.Mom December 22nd, 2011 08:02 AM

Re: That time of year.
 
Oh yeah I totally know what you mean. I don't talk much personal stuff, but my oldest son is not biologically my husbands, but he doesn't know the difference still and he is 10. His sperm donor didn't ask to see him, in fact refused to see him, until suddenly he was going to go to court for contempt for child support. This was 2 years ago. So 8 years he's never seen this guy, doesn't even know that he exsists, much less that there is 2 'dads'. There was NO way I was going to let him treat my child like a paid service. I barely got child support the way it was, even though he was in the military. BTW on a side note if you ever want to get away with hardly paying any child support and want it to NEVER be adjusted in the favor of the one you owe, join the military. Anyway, we went through some court stuff without Noah even knowing about it, and now if he stays away he doesn't have to pay any child support. We were looking into adoption, but that's a totally different story.


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