Well, it's been six months
I'm talking about the loss of Keira. Her second birthday has just passed and I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Some of you know what I'm talking about. For those that don't, here's the story.
I helped to raise Keira for over a year. It was from March 2008 to May 2009. She was only five weeks old when she first came to me. Her parents both worked full-time and I had the pleasure of taking care of her Monday through Friday from 8 to 5. I fell in love with her as I was unhealthy and couldn't get pregnant. I felt God brought her to me. The closeness was what we both needed. She needed it because she was an infant and they need to feel secure and a connection with their main caregiver, which was me, and I needed it because it filled a void for me. I took care of her and she excelled through every stage and met each milestone early. I loved her so much.
At about fifteen months, she was successful in every developmental stage except social because she was used to being the only child. Her mom got pregnant again and we both thought it would be best to transition her to another daycare so she can get used to being around other kids before her mom gave birth.
We agreed for Keira to go to the day care three days a week and here two days a week. she came here the last week in May of 2009 and when I called her mom the first Monday in June to verify that she'd be here the following day, she said "Oh, we aren't bringing her there anymore". Just like that. Keira was ripped from me and I was ripped from her. Why? Her mom said I loved her too much.
For the first couple of weeks, I was torn up. I cried every day. I had no idea that when I last saw her that Thursday, I wouldn't see her anymore. I know I'm not her mother, but I helped raise her since she was five weeks old.
It has been six months now and she recently turned two years old. The whole week before her second birthday was very hard for me. I cried a lot.
I haven't seen her since that last day in May. Along with grief, I am dealing with anger towards her mother and father at the moment. Not so much for what they did to me, but for what they did to Keira.
I thought I went through the grieving process, but I am finding recently that I haven't completely gotten through it. Some days are harder than others. Some days it feels so new and I cry just thinking about her. I look at her toys we had here and some of her clothes and it tears me up inside as this felt like a death to me.
She will always be in my heart and although I know that she probably won't remember me, I know that for the first year of her life, she was taken care of and got the security she needed to grow. Oh gosh, I'm crying now.
Re: Well, it's been six months
I can identify with this story. I was a nanny to a little girl for almost a year and it took me awhile to get used to the fact that I wouldn't see her anymore. I had dreams with her in it and wonder what she was doing. My job was cut in a week's time from when the subject was brought up. No transition time. I did see her on her second Birthday and she went to me right away but, I didn't see her again. I don't think often that parent's realize that when you care for a child 40 to 60 hours a week, you're going to form a bond. It doesn't matter that these children aren't our blood, they are effectively being raised by the caregiver. That's part of the reason that I am adamant that no one else beside myself and my husband will raise our children. You can't know the bond and all the in's and out's of a child like a primary caregiver does.
My suggestion for you is if you can't deal with the grief yourself go see your ministry or a counselor to help you work through your feelings. My guess is there's not many that will understand your grief on this level.
Re: Well, it's been six months
That's exactly how I feel. I am seeing a counselor for this and other reasons, but thanks for the suggestion.
I agree that when parents leave their young infant with a caregiver, and that caregiver is with them almost all the time, a bond will form. I think it's a good idea to try and keep your baby with you while he or she is an infant. Sometimes it isn't possible, but it is a good idea.
I'm glad someone else has been through this. I don't feel silly for being so close to a child that wasn't blood. I sort of thought of her as my adopted daughter. You know?
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