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SerenitysMom January 26th, 2013 02:59 PM

My Story On Serenity Michelle Beloved Daughter&Sister(Photos)
 
My name is Stephanie I am 25 years old, This is my story on my pregnancy loss at 32 weeks gestation, my daughter Serenity was still born.

I found out I was pregnant with twin's at my six week ultrasound, I was really thrilled. I just knew it was twins because I was looking like I was five months pregnant when I was only four weeks pregnant.

I was looking at the ultrasound screen and saw only one sac and one fetal pole, the ultrasound technician moved the trans-vaginal probe and there was two little sac's and two little fetal poles, the technician looked at me and said "How does twins sound"? I said to the technician "I knew it was twins, I look huge".

Everything went great through the whole pregnancy. At my thirty first week into my pregnancy all hell broke loose, I went into pre-term labor and had to be admitted to labor and delivery, I was dilated to one centimeter and had to be put on a magnesium sulfate drip. When the nurse lowered my dosage I went back into full contractions and ended up dilating to two centimeters. I ended up having to be left on a high dosage of magnesium sulfate for 24 hours. After 24 hours of the magnesium sulfate drip I was took off of it.

Everything was going well in the hospital I was on a contraction monitor the whole stay and a non stress test every four hours. I had a ultrasound done at thirty two weeks into my pregnancy in the labor and delivery and both babies looked great, heartbeat was wonderful, they where weighing wonderfully. The scan showed that my daughter which was baby B had placental aging, the technician who did the scan thought she would be brought into the world early due to this.

Unfortunately, no one did anything about this, nor did the doctors put my twins on a fetal heartbeat monitor except the every four hours, I was just left on the contraction monitor.

On April 16th 2009 at 32 weeks the nurses couldn't find two heartbeats during the non stress test in the morning, they failed to do an ultrasound at that time they thought just one was hiding behind the other. Later, when the nurse change occurred it was time for another non stress test in which the nurses couldn't find the second heartbeat of the other twin. So, they talked to the doctor and the doctor ordered an ultrasound right away.

The nurses came into the room there was about four nurses and a ultrasound technician who followed with the ultrasound machine. I was looking at the ultrasound screen looking at my twins when I noticed the nurse squeezing my hand, I looked at her and smiled than I looked back at the ultrasound screen and realized that there was no color to the placenta. The nurse kept squeezing my hand the whole time she asked "Are you okay"? I replied "Is there a heartbeat"? She responded "No sweetheart, I am sorry". We all thought that I was going to be induced that night to keep anything from hurting my son baby A who had his cord wrapped around neck three times.


Unfortunately, the periniocoligist wouldn't do this said that the longer the baby is in the better, and only 1% chance the same thing would happen to him.

On April 17th I had an ultrasound early in the morning to check on my son, I was so used to seeing both of them on the screen but the technician only showed my son. He was doing great and all the periniocoligist said to me is "See he is okay"!

I took a nap around one pm and I was woken up to sweetheart I need you to roll over by the nurse, and the nurse looking at the heartbeat screen at this point and time I was on the monitor 24/7. My son heart decelerated.

I said go tell the doctor to take him out now! So, the doctor gets called and told what happened. The nurse comes back in and says we will induce you.

So, I get my Epidural and my waters broken and waited on the contractions to start, after two hours my contractions where not coming as fast as they wanted at two am on April 18th 2009 they started me on pertocine to jump start labor faster.

I was dilated at sever centiliters when my son started to crown so I started pushing at 4:50 AM and welcomed my son into the world at 5:00 Am. I stopped contracting after he was born so the doctor had to put her arm all the way up to elbow inside my uterus to get my daughter to turn somehow so the doctor could either grab my daughters feet to bring her out, or get it to where her head would go down. Finally, after 24 minutes of the doctors arm elbow deep I welcomed my daughter into the world . I was able to see my son for a minute before they took him back into the NICU, I was able to hold my daughter whenever I wanted, give her a bath, put clothes on her. This by far was the worse thing ever in my life. I couldn't see her eyes, hear her cries. I felt dead and empty. I was able to visit my son but not hold him since he was put on CPAP. He was able to go home after a week or two. But, I had to put my daughter in the ground
.

There is never a second of the day that goes by that I never stop thinking of her and what she would have looked like today. How would her eyes look and her hair how long would it be. Never gets easier every year it gets worse around the time of the birth of her.

A Photo Of I And Serenity's Daddy With Our Beautiful Daughter
http://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...d27675af1b.jpg
http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...df784b8281.jpghttp://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...a701bec4fa.jpghttp://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...8498b72e0f.jpghttp://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...0524abeac6.jpghttp://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...8c04a88d12.jpghttp://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...065a79cfbd.jpghttp://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...3667929e31.jpghttp://cimg3.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...211a2bc485.jpghttp://cimg4.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...e3c5289c22.jpg


My Memory Box Shawnee Mission Medical Center Gave Me: It Included Foot Prints, Hand Prints, A Foot Mold, A Memory Box Poem, Some Outfits, A Shirt With Foot Prints As Well As A Ring.

The Angel Was Given To Me By My Mother And Father:
http://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...047666acea.jpg
http://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.just...ff1363b7c8.jpg

Its almost been 4 year's since she went with the Lord, and I think it's getting harder for me to cope with her loss the longer she's been gone the more I wish she was in my arm's. I know shes with me because she sends me signs, song's, feathers etc. I just really miss her.

Pretty_N_Ink January 26th, 2013 03:15 PM

Re: My Story On Serenity Michelle Beloved Daughter&Sister(Photos)
 
I am so so so deeply sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing an infant as I lost my newborn daughter last November at 22 days old. I think the hardest part for me is that nobody talks about her, nobody wants to "upset me". I dont know how true that is in your situation or not. I feel, as mothers, we need to keep their memory alive or else it was like they never existed at all. So I talk about it as much as I can. It makes me feel better, as though she is in the nursery just fine. Everybody has their own coping techniques but I know that going through the loss of a child, much less an infant, is so unnatural feeling and its like a little piece of you died with them. Never to return. Make sure you talk to someone. Dont try to do it alone. I tried and snapped into full blown depression.
I know your pain so please pm me if you EVER need to talk. Best of luck sweetie.

SerenitysMom January 26th, 2013 04:35 PM

Re: My Story On Serenity Michelle Beloved Daughter&Sister(Photos)
 
It does upset me no one want's to talk about it out of my family. But, I don't even talk to them anymore. And, the only time I talk to Serenity's dad is when I talk/see my children. He never says anything about it. I just wonder what people think about it anymore is it just an it happened its been years we moved on thing or what?

Me and my current husband talk about her all the time and when money allows it I got up and see her shes only about 45 minutes away. I barley have any female friends and the ones I do have have no idea what its like to loose a child and they don't even say anything when I talk about my losses. Only girls I have are here.

Pretty_N_Ink January 27th, 2013 03:36 PM

Re: My Story On Serenity Michelle Beloved Daughter&Sister(Photos)
 
Yeah its the same with me. Very few female friends and my family is so hush hush.
See I had my daughter cremated but never got any type of service or funeral type of closure. I feel like it never really finished. That I still havent said goodbye. I need that closure so I talk about her any chance I get. My husband and I have 2 other kids to care for that need us to be strong but I couldnt bring myself to tell my 8 yr old daughter that her baby sister was cremated-it would freak her out. So she just continuously asks when we're going to bury her. Which makes it worse. I often wonder the same though if people are just moved on and dont think about her anymore or what? How can you recover so easily from something so tragic? I have talked to a few counselers from the MISS foundation which has been really helpful. Maybe you can try that out and see if it helps you also...?


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