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-   -   The term "step" mom and dad (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f46-heated-debates/565623-term-step-mom-and-dad.html)

*Leslie* May 8th, 2007 09:37 AM

How do you all feel about the term "stepmom or stepdad?
Do you think it is an approrpiate term to use?
Do you refer to your children as "step children"

I saw on another board some time back where someone got VERY offended that someone introdcued their family as this is my DD so and so, and my stepchild so and so. They said that you should never seperate the kids like that and they should all be considered your kids.

I am torn on this issue, while I don't ike making the kids feel not equal or adequate to the other child I think there is a difference between your child and your step child. I KNOW I won't want my DD to call anyone their stepmom, nor will I be allowing her to call anyone her stepdad. I think mom and dad are very special terms that apply to only two people in the childs life. I do feel however that there is a difference when a stepparent was there from the beginning and the other parent isn't in the picture. THEN I would feel it is acceptable. I just know for me personally I would rather my DD have an alternate name for mine or Chris's S/O that didn't involve the word mom or dad..... so what do you guys think?

Pure Innocence May 8th, 2007 09:41 AM

Sounds like another one of those you better say the right word and be PC or it's the end of the world issues...

mommyKathyX3 May 8th, 2007 09:41 AM

I think it depends on how the family feels. I dont think I'd be upset about it either way, but I'm not in that situation so I can only judge from an outsiders view. I DO think if its been years and years and you still seperate them, its a bit odd. But I dont think its rude.

Pure Innocence May 8th, 2007 09:45 AM

Quote:

How do you all feel about the term "stepmom or stepdad?
Do you think it is an approrpiate term to use?
Do you refer to your children as "step children"

I saw on another board some time back where someone got VERY offended that someone introdcued their family as this is my DD so and so, and my stepchild so and so. They said that you should never seperate the kids like that and they should all be considered your kids.

I am torn on this issue, while I don't ike making the kids feel not equal or adequate to the other child I think there is a difference between your child and your step child. I KNOW I won't want my DD to call anyone their stepmom, nor will I be allowing her to call anyone her stepdad. I think mom and dad are very special terms that apply to only two people in the childs life. I do feel however that there is a difference when a stepparent was there from the beginning and the other parent isn't in the picture. THEN I would feel it is acceptable. I just know for me personally I would rather my DD have an alternate name for mine or Chris's S/O that didn't involve the word mom or dad..... so what do you guys think?[/b]
Do kids actually go around saying "hey stepmom or hey stepdad"? I didn't think those words were actually used to call them by. Like I call my stepdad by his name, I don't call him stepdad. Or maybe I'm just confused on what you mean...LOL!

I bet my stepdad would feel like it was a slap in the face to not be considered a father figure to me when he is the one that pretty much raised me. My dad is my dad, er was...(not good with past tenses), but my stepdad will always be my father.

*Leslie* May 8th, 2007 09:49 AM

Quote:

I think it depends on how the family feels. I dont think I'd be upset about it either way, but I'm not in that situation so I can only judge from an outsiders view. I DO think if its been years and years and you still seperate them, its a bit odd. But I dont think its rude.[/b]
That was my feelings on that particular situation. I don't know about the actual circumstances so I'm not sure how long they had been a blended family. But I definitely wouldn't consider someone rude for it, it's there family! and while I don't like the whole step terms for mom and dad I wouldn't think anything of a family that did it, just because it wasn't for me.

Quote:

Quote:

How do you all feel about the term "stepmom or stepdad?
Do you think it is an approrpiate term to use?
Do you refer to your children as "step children"

I saw on another board some time back where someone got VERY offended that someone introdcued their family as this is my DD so and so, and my stepchild so and so. They said that you should never seperate the kids like that and they should all be considered your kids.

I am torn on this issue, while I don't ike making the kids feel not equal or adequate to the other child I think there is a difference between your child and your step child. I KNOW I won't want my DD to call anyone their stepmom, nor will I be allowing her to call anyone her stepdad. I think mom and dad are very special terms that apply to only two people in the childs life. I do feel however that there is a difference when a stepparent was there from the beginning and the other parent isn't in the picture. THEN I would feel it is acceptable. I just know for me personally I would rather my DD have an alternate name for mine or Chris's S/O that didn't involve the word mom or dad..... so what do you guys think?[/b]
Do kids actually go around saying "hey stepmom or hey stepdad"? I didn't think those words were actually used to call them by. Like I call my stepdad by his name, I don't call him stepdad. Or maybe I'm just confused on what you mean...LOL!

I bet my stepdad would feel like it was a slap in the face to not be considered a father figure to me when he is the one that pretty much raised me. My dad is my dad, er was...(not good with past tenses), but my stepdad will always be my father.
[/b]
I am meaning like referring to them as stepmom or dad... I have heard some kids call their stepparents mom or dad, and without knowing the situation I wouldn't know how I would feel about that in my own life. I agree about the stepparent that raised the child. That is completely different, but I feel if there are two active parents then I wouldn't want them calling more than one person mom or dad.

Pure Innocence May 8th, 2007 09:55 AM

Well, my bil calls his stepdad DAD and he also called his Dad Dad when he was alive. They were both ok with it. His stepdad was who he lived with so he "raised" him, but his DAD DAD was also around very much so and that's his DAD. Hope that make sense. It worked for THEM, but I'd be a little uncomfy having my kids calling someone else MOM.

*Leslie* May 8th, 2007 10:01 AM

Quote:

Well, my bil calls his stepdad DAD and he also called his Dad Dad when he was alive. They were both ok with it. His stepdad was who he lived with so he "raised" him, but his DAD DAD was also around very much so and that's his DAD. Hope that make sense. It worked for THEM, but I'd be a little uncomfy having my kids calling someone else MOM.[/b]
ITA. if everyone is comfortable with it then I think it's fine... but if someone involved even has a hint of being not so ok with it I think that should be respected..... To my DD I am her one and only mom, no matter what, and I wouldn't accept her calling someone else mom.. but if it works for someone else that's cool.

picklesmama May 8th, 2007 10:03 AM

I have stepparents. Stepmom and stepdad are not bad words. That's what they are. I have a mom, and had a dad before he died, and they were in my life, so when they remarried their partners became my stepmom and stepdad. Had one of my parents not been in the picture, I may have called one of my stepparents Mom or Dad, but that wasnt the case. I called them by their first names, and referred to them as my stepmom or stepdad. Nothing insulting or replacing or unequal or indequate about it - they are just the terms that society understands , no need to complicate things IMO.
If my husband had children from a former relationship, they would be my stepchildren. I did not give birth to them, nor adopt them, if they had a mom alive and in their life she would be Mom, not I. If their mother was not in the picture and I adopted them, then I would be their Mom - unless that was the case I would be their stepmom and I don't see anything wrong with that.

edited typos

donomama May 8th, 2007 10:04 AM

Quote:

Quote:

Well, my bil calls his stepdad DAD and he also called his Dad Dad when he was alive. They were both ok with it. His stepdad was who he lived with so he "raised" him, but his DAD DAD was also around very much so and that's his DAD. Hope that make sense. It worked for THEM, but I'd be a little uncomfy having my kids calling someone else MOM.[/b]
ITA. if everyone is comfortable with it then I think it's fine... but if someone involved even has a hint of being not so ok with it I think that should be respected..... To my DD I am her one and only mom, no matter what, and I wouldn't accept her calling someone else mom.. but if it works for someone else that's cool.
[/b]

^^^ITA. If DH and I were to divorce, and he remarried, I wouldn't like the idea of the new wife referring to my children as "hers." They are MY babies, no one elses. I also wouldn't like them calling anyone else mom.

irishxrose May 8th, 2007 10:11 AM

I call my step dad by his first name. I refuse to call him dad. Only one person in my life is my father, and although we have issues, I feel that it is a respect issue. To call someone else dad would FOR ME cause the relationship with my father to be belittled.

Blondie6836 May 8th, 2007 10:12 AM

I call my step-father and step-mother by their first names...they call me their daughter. My mom and dad have NEVER had a problem with that.

DD will hopefully have a stepfather at some point, but I will not marry someone who will not adopt her and take her as his own child. So whoever steps up to that role will be her father, and not her stepfather. Her biological father is not involved though, so that makes things a lot less complicated. I would probobly die a little inside if she called someone else mommy.

Pure Innocence May 8th, 2007 10:16 AM

My stepfather has always called me and my siblings his kids...we were in a way, we were just also my dad's kids. I dunno....maybe that is because my dad wasn't around as much as my stepdad was.

Laney21 May 8th, 2007 10:17 AM

As long as everyone is comfortable with it, you can't judge what people call eachother within thier own family. (I'm not saying any of you were doing that, I'm talking about the example in the OP)

I have a dsd, she calls me Mel, and I call her by her name. I introduce her to others as Mark's (my SO) daughter. I plan on being a huge part of her life until I am old and grey but I will never let her call me mom because I feel it disrespects her mother.

AnnD May 8th, 2007 10:32 AM

I see no problem with a distinction being made as step-parent in most cases. There are some in which the child elects to call a step-parent mom or dad and that's totally fine. It should always be up to the child and what they are comfortable with. If they want something a bit more "comfy" to call a step-parent, they can say "Daddy Dave" or "Mommy Michelle" or something like that to refer to a step-parent.

SusieQ2 May 8th, 2007 10:49 AM

I have a 12 yr old stepdaughter. I have been with her dad since she was 3 and we have been married since she was 5. She calls me Susie (my name is Susan) and sometimes she calls me mom. I have never insisted that she call me anything else. I have always gone with what makes her comfortable. She already has a mom and I am not trying to replace her.

When I introduce her to people I do usually tell people she is my stepdaughter. I do that mainly because otherwise people look confused. She is tall, skinny, and blond. I am average height, very dark hair, and not so skinny. I also would have been only 14 when I had her.

She is old enough that we have discussed how to go about these things and the way we do it is fine with her. I love her like my own though and would do anything for her.

lotus86 May 8th, 2007 11:00 AM

LMAO. My stepmom hates to be called that, and she always tried to be the Brady Bunch, and one day she told us, ala Carol Brady, "the only steps in this house are the ones leading up to your bedrooms!" Funny thing is, we didn't have steps, it was a one-level house :lol:

Back to the OP... I call my stepsisters and stepbrother my actual sisters and brother, unless I am speaking to someone who doesn't know them and would be confused. Two of my stepsisters (one on each side) are half black and there have been times I have gotten a funny look when I've introduced them as my sisters :lol: I don't find it offensive. I also call my stepdad just that to others, and I call him by his first name to him, because my real father died when I was 16 and I still have a hard time calling my stepdad Dad. But for some reason, I have no problem calling my FIL Dad :huh: Maybe because he didn't know my real father? I don't know, I'm just weird.

Story May 8th, 2007 11:06 AM

How do you all feel about the term "stepmom or stepdad? I have no prob with this!
Do you think it is an approrpiate term to use?yeah, why not..

I think all this is very personal.
Quote:

I DO think if its been years and years and you still separate them, its a bit odd. But I dont think its rude.[/b]
Well, it depends on what you mean when you say "separate" ...
For me, my DF's daughter is my DF's daughter.. not my daughter, and I have difficulties to say "step-daughter" ... I don't know why though.
But she knows I'm her step-mom, and she has a step-dad to.
She calls me that way to others (or she uses my name).

BUT!! If her mother wasn't in her life anymore, I'd took her for my own.

Quote:

If DH and I were to divorce, and he remarried, I wouldn't like the idea of the new wife referring to my children as "hers." They are MY babies, no one elses. I also wouldn't like them calling anyone else mom.[/b]
:ditto:

But I just think....
It's been a time when my step-mum called us her daughters...
I didn't have any prob with that, 'cuz that showed my how much she appreciated us.
but I'm not sure my mother knows about this...

Lash May 8th, 2007 11:21 AM

My step mom referred to me as her daughter and I HATED it. I wasnt her daughter and didnt want to be, but I was a shy child and it was very hard to tell her that. I refused to call her mom or step mom, I just said her name. I still call my stepdad by his formal name (Mr. Last name) because he was my principal when my mom married him and it just didnt feel ok to call him anything else and I was older when they got married, so we didnt develop more than a amiable relationship.

*Leslie* May 8th, 2007 11:46 AM

Quote:

My step mom referred to me as her daughter and I HATED it. I wasnt her daughter and didnt want to be, but I was a shy child and it was very hard to tell her that. I refused to call her mom or step mom, I just said her name. I still call my stepdad by his formal name (Mr. Last name) because he was my principal when my mom married him and it just didnt feel ok to call him anything else and I was older when they got married, so we didnt develop more than a amiable relationship.[/b]
I feel the same way as you and I have never even had to deal with it..... I just think mom is such a personal term only used to refer to the actual mother of a child, not birth mother obviously, but I think everyone will understand what I am trying to say..... EVen if you add step in front of it it's still the word mom, which I feel is too personal for someone that is not the mother that raises you.... I would much rather my future hubby to be described as my mothers husband...... how weird that must have been to have your principal marry your mom, you see it all the time in movies and stuff but I've never actually known anyone hehe!

rdhdtrue May 8th, 2007 12:50 PM

My only experience with this is my boys having a stepmom. It was more my hurt feelings when they called her Mom than anything. A long story short. He was cheating and was engaged to her after we were divorced for two months (we were married 7 years). They were married a year later and the ex told them they had to call her Mom.

I am not as sensitive about it these days. My oldest does not even go to his Dad's anymore because he does not like her. The youngest still goes and if he wants to call her Mom so be it. I am secure enough of my role in their lives not to care.

The boys call my dh by his given name sometimes and sometimes they call him Dad. Just depending on their mood. That is their decision also.


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