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-   -   What's a friend to do? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f106-high-risk-pregnancy/21227-what-s-friend-to-do.html)

helplessfriend March 24th, 2005 12:10 PM

My friend is miraculously pregnant after two miscarriages and being told it would not happen. She is high risk and has been placed on bed rest (hoping to return to work soon). I understand that she has been very physically ill but ever since her pregnancy she has been isolating herself; she won’t let me come see her, I barely get to talk to her over the phone and she has not been to church in months. (We're both Christian) I want to be a good friend but I don’t know how to do that right now, I don’t even know what to say. I have been sending her random friendship cards and leaving “I love you” phone messages but am growing weary of the one way communication. I have never been pregnant, I don’t even have a boyfriend—how am I supposed to identify? How can I be a good friend during this difficult time? :(

Margaret March 24th, 2005 05:04 PM

Hi,

I think it's wonderful that you want to be there for your friend. Right now, I imagine she needs some space and time to work through trying to bring this pregnancy to term. It is emotionally and physically tiring.

One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes people feel very "open" during moments of vulnerability. There have been times in my life during the most difficult moments that others reached out to me in what I thought was genuine concern. I learned a little too late that they only wanted to know the details so they could spread it around the office, church, wherever. This has made me much more guarded about who I let into my space when I feel tired and weary. Please understand I am not suggesting you have this kind of agenda. I'm saying it sounds like she is in a self-protection mode for whatever reason.

The best thing someone could do for me is to respect my wishes even if they don't agree with them. If she has an open-invitation to call on you when she is ready, she will when she is ready. You can give her space and love, simultaneously.

I wish you and your friend the very best,
Margaret

mommytojace March 24th, 2005 06:16 PM

ive been through only one miscarriage but i do know the loss. i do know what your friend is going through because i went through the same thing. i know i felt like if people were around me all they would do is talk about the pregnancy and how this time it was going to be different......a happy healthy baby in the end. even though some think thats what you want to hear i didnt really want it brought up.....so much that i wasnt even going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until 5 months..... but thats when the problems started so i need people to talk to.....dont over do it....calling everyday etc.... let her know your there for her and check in periodically...otherwise she might think your overbearing.... hoped tis helped


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