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-   -   How Do I Get Them to Think About Homebirth and UC? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f341-home-birth/456365-how-do-i-get-them-to-think-about-homebirth-and-uc.html)

Acadia February 6th, 2007 06:55 AM

I'm kind of monopolizing your board atm ... sorry but I have another question! :blush:

DF is really interested in most things I bring up (circumcision, vaccination, parenting styles, etc) and after a few conversations about what he thinks it means and what I think it means, he'll go off and do his own research and then tell me that he agrees for reasons A, B, and C. Which is great! :cheer: He's become a lot more open to "new" ways of doing things and sometimes I overhear him talking to other people about it (like his friend's wife had a baby in the hospital and had a c-section ... I heard him on the phone telling him about how this, this, and this intervention is probably what caused the distress that made them "need" the c-section. :lol: I mean he probably shouldn't have said that but how cool that he cares!).

The only thing he hasn't been interested in is the idea of an unassisted birth ... which, as I said earlier, I definitely want (right now I do; maybe it'll change, I have no idea). He just can't get his head around the idea of not needing someone else present. He is the very one who started telling me how if I didn't want an OB he didn't understand why I would want a midwife, but now that I say maybe I don't, he's put the brakes on it!

It's really weird because he was totally into the idea of an unassisted pregnancy, and I never even brought that up to him! I've been reading stuff on my own but I don't know enough yet to form an opinion and discuss it. That's the one thing he started discussing with me instead of the other way around. He thinks that's a great idea and if I could really do all this stuff on my own (or not do it), why not if I want that experience? So why is he so against the idea of UC? Well, he said he's not against it, for other people, but he wants me to have assistance. :rolleyes:

I just don't get him sometimes! Plus I know my mom and MIL will be so totally against it that it's not even funny. And UP!? Oh don't even get me started! They would totally freak and report me to CPS even if everything was perfect and I was keeping exact records of everything I measured/did. I think my MIL would do that with UC too (my mom wouldn't, she would just think I'm nuts, but be okay with it as long as a "professional" cleared me and if I choose UP that won't happen). In DF's family it's just not negotiable. You get pregnant, go to an OB every month, labor is induced but you end up having a c-section, then you have the baby circumcised if it's male (pierce the ears if it's female), and feed it a bottle of whatever formula the pediatrician recommends. And you'd better not ask any questions or refuse to do something, or even THINK about feeding it anything but store-bought baby food later! And buy stock in disposable diapers! :blink:

I think his resistance to the idea of UC is due to his coming from that kind of background but what am I supposed to say to that? Right now I'm just working on him, because he won't even read about it ... just knowing that he's open and researching it would make me happy! But as for my in-laws? What the heck am I supposed to tell them? They are not the type to take "smile and nod" for an answer. They want DETAILS. :rolleyes:

That ended up being really long but I'm such a wuss when it comes to confrontations. I am just hoping there's a nice way to do this that I haven't thought of. :blush:

LaLa February 6th, 2007 07:43 AM

Well, let me ask you this: what are YOUR reasons for wanting an UC? Are there even midwives that do homebirths in your area?

I "technically" had an UC - I had a lay MW which is illegal in my state, so technically she was just a friend who decided to show up and give labor support who so happened to have a lot of equipment like a MW would carry & who we paid to be there lol.

I think convincing him would really depend on WHY you want a UC. Would he agree to a homebirth with a MW? Get him there first, and then work your way down to UC lol.

But, knowing YOUR reasons would be best. IF you would feel more comfortable alone, if you deal with emotions & discomfort better alone, if you want it to be intimate, or if you just dont see the need.

And perhaps you could come to a healthy compromise. If you plan to have more, perhaps you could use a MW for your first homebirth, and go UC the second. Or - you could just say screw him and go at it your way lol.

But personally, when I was making the decision for a homebirth, and under the circumstances we did it (no legal MWs that will do homebirths where I live), I felt like I needed the support of my DH. I was worried that if he was hesitant and concerned and worried then I would feel that in labor & it would inhibit me. For me, the MW was more for HIM than me lol. And I like that reassurance from other women.

As for family - thats one of those that hteyll either "get it" or they wont. We told our families we were having a homebirth but never mentioned the details about the MW. They woudl have flipped. They flipped enough over the homebirth aspect. We just shrugged it off, and didnt bother to argue about it. I mentioned in my defense ONCE to them that it was as safe if not safer, and that they couldnt PAY ME to go to the local hospital with its one way doors... that took care of that. A couple of times they brought it up again, and Id just say "its non negotiable, this is our decision, end of story".

And of course, having DH on my side for THOSE discussions helped as well lol.

Lala...

Acadia February 6th, 2007 08:14 AM

Quote:

you would feel more comfortable alone, if you deal with emotions & discomfort better alone, if you want it to be intimate, or if you just dont see the need[/b]
All of the above! I don't like strangers at all and I don't make friends easily, so I don't see myself getting comfortable enough with a midwife during the 9 months, to the point where I'd actually not mind her looking at my vagina or being in my bedroom. :lol: My father was also the unemotional type so when people are watching me I tend to hold it in ... it seems to me that birth is the least appropriate time for holding in your emotions! I would love for it to be intimate. And also, I don't see the real need because my OWN birth was almost unassisted. My mother was in the hospital but everyone was worried about the mother next door having a c-section, and mom wasn't dilated enough for them, so they just left her alone for a few minutes and when they came back, surprise! ;)

But he's worried. And I can't see him getting less worried once I'm pregnant ... if anything he's the type to get MORE worried because it's more real. He thinks it's safer to have at least one person to help, just in case. But he hasn't even researched it. All he knows is what I told him before he cut me off and said no. :(

There are midwives who are technically "in my area", but they are pretty far. There is no one actually in my town or even in the nearest city. The closest one doesn't do homebirths, either; your only option is in the birth center. There is another a little further but if it takes her two hours to get here what's the point, IMO? And once we move back "home" (hopefully within the next year and a half, so probably before any birth), I know there will be NONE nearby. My options there would be an unassisted homebirth, or a hospital's maternity ward with an OB.

Isaeph February 6th, 2007 08:37 AM

Trupe was sooo against it at first. In fact, he was against a bc birth when we were pg with ds. I tried getting him to watch baby story whenever there was a birth center birth and he'd just freak out and say "ew, not natural". When I told my family my plans to go natural with ds, every single one of them said "oh thats great, but you'll need the epi" and they won...I got it. This go round, I only told my mom about my uc plans, and let her talk me out of it initially. But God kept pressing it on me. I couldn't shake it. I HAD to have it. So I researched madly and presented all my info to Trupe AT THE RIGHT MOMENT (can't plan the right moment, it just happens) and he realized how much it meant to me, and how safe it was. He's actually back slidden now and said he couldn't do it again if we had another. Whatever silly, he knows I can't go back. But once I had him in agreement I did NOT tell my parents, and he didn't tell his mom either...not that I care what she says though. My mom came to visit from AZ and woke up to me moaning loudly almost screaming. She panicked for a second and asked why we weren't going to the bc and I just said "because" and she made coffee and got some towels. Hehe...Most things in my life I let people (especially my mom and dh) walk all over my opinions on...but when it comes to parenting things I stand my ground. Not sure what it is that makes me stronger in those cases, but you can't talk me out of something once I've got my heart set on it (UP, UC, bfing, co-sleeping, delayed/selective vax, cding, ecing, etc).

Acadia February 6th, 2007 08:46 AM

Quote:

every single one of them said "oh thats great, but you'll need the epi"[/b]
My MIL will say the exact same thing! I wish I could just not tell her, but when we move again, we will be right across the street and she comes over at least once a day. She will know. I can't just say "Oh btw he/she was born at home". She'll be trying to drag me out to the car. <_<

And I don't understand why everyone in my family says that, because my mom did NOT have an epi with me. They insisted she wasn't even ready for that, and once they left to mess with someone else, BOOM I was born. She had one with my sister but it didn't work! :lol: So I am not worried about that and really ... what if it doesn't work for me either? What would the point be!? :rolleyes:

Isaeph February 6th, 2007 09:11 AM

Yeah, my dad was actually coming up a few days after Ele was born(she was born on Sun and he was due to arrive Tue) and I soo wanted to have her before he got there because I knew he'd try to carry me out to the car. Trupe said he wouldn't have let him though :wub: Thankfully I labored fairly quietly through the night and my mom stayed asleep until delivery time.

abigailsilva February 6th, 2007 09:35 AM

well, it's odd that he won't research it if he researches everything else. I didn't have a struggle with my DH, I just prefaced teh conversation with....I NEED this, and i need you to at least try to be on board. The idea initially appealed to him, and more so after he met the MW. Print out Isaeph's birth story, heck, that's what sold me on HB :lol: Maybe if he sees the intimacy and the love that they we able to share during their birth, THAT will get to him. I also think that if he's on board for the UP, if you can INVOLVE him in it, have him help you with each "check-up" that would help empower him. does that make sense? By the time birth rolled around, it would prob feel wierd to him to invite anyone else.

Acadia February 7th, 2007 08:23 AM

Quote:

well, it's odd that he won't research it if he researches everything else. I didn't have a struggle with my DH, I just prefaced teh conversation with....I NEED this, and i need you to at least try to be on board. The idea initially appealed to him, and more so after he met the MW. Print out Isaeph's birth story, heck, that's what sold me on HB :lol: Maybe if he sees the intimacy and the love that they we able to share during their birth, THAT will get to him. I also think that if he's on board for the UP, if you can INVOLVE him in it, have him help you with each "check-up" that would help empower him. does that make sense? By the time birth rolled around, it would prob feel wierd to him to invite anyone else.[/b]
I agree, it is really odd. But I can see how, coming from his background, he might be uncomfortable with it. They are big on circumcision and all the other things he's okay with not doing now, but they don't have conversations about that. They only jump on you if you say something bad about it. :confused: With birth, though, they take photos of the operating room and c-sections! They put things like that in baby books! Only this last nephew of mine was born "naturally" :rolleyes: (according to his mom, vaginal = natural), and his mom was drugged up to the point of being drunk. She passed in and out of unconsciousness during the actual birth. It was ridiculous! So of course they go on about how their babies would have died if they hadn't had c-sections. I see how that would worry him. It's all he's known.

I just have to figure out how to get him open to the idea. I do think I'll have him read birth stories but he probably won't be willing to do that until I'm pregnant ... then I can phrase it in terms of "so you know what to expect" and slip in some HB stories and definitely some UC stories. Then I can talk about what he thought in comparison. Even if I can't get him to read them til then, though, there's still 9 months and he reads plenty fast enough. :lol:

LaLa February 7th, 2007 10:52 AM

Have you thought about gradually convincing him? Will he be OPEN to the idea of a birth center birth?

Thats how i had to do with my DH - birth center first, then homebirth, adn THEN unassisted.

Each one he was reluctant with - but he begrudgingly looked at the birth center, then was ok with that. talked to a homebirth MW - finally was ok with that. I intro'd him to another mom who went UC - and he started considering it. Ours WAS a little different though since we had someone there who was trained in neonatal resuscitatin - that was his main concern. That and hemorrhaging. And knowing that wed be prepared for either of those two situations made all the difference in the world.

Lala...

MrsPil February 7th, 2007 05:46 PM

As fond as I am of the convince him gradually method (worked for me) have you considered the I'm giving you all the facts and I'm not leaving until you listen method? DH was once uncertain that a particular course of action I had chosen was best (don't even remember what about now) and wouldn't listen so I printed off info and presented it to him while he was... doing business with the porcelain boss. I told him I wouldn't leave until he started reading and as he has public performance issues this worked beautifully.

And for the record moms can suprise you... I thought my mom would be totally against, but once she saw that I had educated myself she was all for... Ended up catching the baby herself!

jhmomofmany February 7th, 2007 05:53 PM

so I printed off info and presented it to him while he was... doing business with the porcelain boss. I told him I wouldn't leave until he started reading and as he has public performance issues this worked beautifully.

Love it!! LOL! :D

I left reading material in the bathroom, too...

Acadia February 7th, 2007 07:39 PM

Quote:

As fond as I am of the convince him gradually method (worked for me) have you considered the I'm giving you all the facts and I'm not leaving until you listen method? DH was once uncertain that a particular course of action I had chosen was best (don't even remember what about now) and wouldn't listen so I printed off info and presented it to him while he was... doing business with the porcelain boss. I told him I wouldn't leave until he started reading and as he has public performance issues this worked beautifully.

And for the record moms can suprise you... I thought my mom would be totally against, but once she saw that I had educated myself she was all for... Ended up catching the baby herself![/b]
My mom will probably be fine with an unassisted birth, but the UP idea? Nooooo way. She has told me before that she thinks pregnancy is an illness. :rolleyes: DF's mom, on the other hand, has a personal thing about disagreeing with every little thing I say no matter what. She loves ketchup? Fine but if I say I like it too she'll throw out every bottle in the house and tell people I'm crazy. It's just a weird thing with her.

I think I will try convincing him gradually until I do actually get pregnant ... there's not a lot of point in forcing him before then. If he's still not OK with it then I'll have to make him listen. The toilet thing is so funny! :lol:


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