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NinjaCakes April 11th, 2013 08:49 PM

Visitors
 
I posted this in the natural birth forum, but I guess I'm still unsure and looking for input. I know that I absolutely do not want visitors right away after baby is born. The three of us need to have bonding time, time to learn how to breastfeed, time to rest, etc. I'd rather not have to chase people out when she needs to eat (I don't want anybody but him seeing that much of me) or when we need to sleep. I especially want some uninterrupted time for BF to get his new 'sea legs.' He's very self conscious around other people and if he's unsure of himself he backs off completely. He just disengages from the whole situation. He has never been around a newborn, more or less held one, or fed one, or dealt with one crying. He will need time with this new baby to get used to her and get used to himself as a father, learn to hold her and interact with her, just learn to be with her in general, to gain some confidence in himself. If people are running in and out and swooping her out of our arms he may not even attempt it. If his family starts telling him he's doing something wrong (they frequently do) he definitely won't. I don't want anyone ruining that experience for him.

I know our families won't like it, but this isn't about them. In particular this is about of our parents. My mom is a huge source of stress for me, his dad is for him, and his mom is for both of us. And while other people I might be more amenable to seeing, I do have to be fair and apply this to everyone. I'm not trying to hurt feelings. What I'm undecided on is how much time I should tell them. I've read personal stories/ gotten suggestions of anything from six hours to 48 hours. With the risk of early delivery now looming over us I have considered that I may want to make it longer when the time comes, but for now I'm trying to plan for a typical situation.

So my questions are moms, how long after your kids were born did you let visitors come? Moms/FTM's, how long after do you plan to let them come this time?

Kiam April 11th, 2013 08:58 PM

Re: Visitors
 
The hospital I am at only allows the "new grandparents" as visitors within the first 12 hours of the child's birth, following that it is at our discretion who we let come and see us, which I think is really awesome of them.

bklynfinest77 April 11th, 2013 09:03 PM

Re: Visitors
 
well my son will be somewhat sick(sickle cell) so im going to be super extra about having anyone around him and i honestly dont care how anyone feels about it. My twins were preemies and i didnt want anyone around them either and people just have to respect it .. i honestly didnt have people around them for the first 3 months .. the only people that came and they maybe seen the twins 2 times in that 3 months was my mom, mil and sisters.

MeggysMommy April 11th, 2013 09:56 PM

Re: Visitors
 
Well I didn't make it known who I did and did not want to come visit after Megan was born and I regretted it sooooo much! Since I was knocked out for my c/section I was pretty in and out of it for the first day. My dad came to visit when he got off work and I was just waking up in recovery and honestly that didn't bother me. At that point DH had been with Megan for almost 3 hrs by himself. What I did regret at that point was immediately attaching myself to my cell phone to update everyone about the baby being born and attaching myself to facebook. I'm still pissed at myself for the pic I have holding Megan and texting when I hadn't even gotten my glasses back yet. So because people found out about the baby being born I had my 2nd cousin and her granddaughter show up and I was so **** drugged that I didn't fight it or tell them no. This time around if I do end up having a c/section in the morning or delivering in the morning I will make it known WAAAAAYYYY beforehand that for at least a few hours of me being fully awake and conscious it will be just me, DH, and the new baby. Then depending on time and etc I want Megan to come visit her sister and I will let my dad and DHs parents visit that night. I will allow everyone else to come and see us the next day because I feel I missed out sooooo much with Megan because of all the factors I described above. Last time I was more worried about everyone's feelings and less of my own. I wanted to please everyone else and let them see Megan before I really even did. Not this time! No way in heck! My family might think I'm being rude but it will make this much better for me and give us the time we need with our new baby.

jersey_gray April 11th, 2013 11:27 PM

Re: Visitors
 
With my first the family was there the day I delivered (I delivered in the early morning) and the next day. I was fine with it and expected it. With my second, she was born late at night and we left early the next day so there wasn't really time for people to visit us in the hospital. With this one I hope to have a brief hospital stay like we had with our second baby though I will ask Grandma to call the one brother and his girlfriend in particular so they can come to the hospital if they want as they live closer to the hospital than to where we live.

-erin- April 12th, 2013 05:37 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I made it very clear that no one was to be in the hospital while I was in labor. If it had happened spontaneously, we probably wouldn't have even called anyone, other than our neighbors to watch the dog. Since I was induced, everyone knew I was there, but not to come until we told them to. I just really didnt want the pressure of people waiting on me while I was in labor, which could be days long!

Anyways, I ended up with a c-section around 3:30pm. DH called our moms to tell them, I think once the c-section was decided since it happened pretty quickly, and they came up. Actually both our moms got there when I was still in the recovery room (I don't remember how long I was there, I didnt think it was too long?) Unfortunately, the drs wanted Juliet for some extended tests/watching since she had some heart rate issues when I was in labor (reason for the section), and was born with a true knot in her cord. So by the time I got moved to my regular room, I think our dads and sisters had shown up too by that time, before I even got to see my baby for more than the few minutes after the section! I didn't know all this was going to happen and was definitely still out of it a bit from the drugs. If I had known, I probably would have said no visitors til the next day.


So, this time around, I'm having a scheduled c-section so I know they will do that around 6:30am or something. Unless something crazy comes up, I figure DD will be at daycare that day, so I'll have DH's aunt (or whoever is visiting to help us with her) pick her up around 3-4ish and bring her to the hospital to meet her brother. Other family can come around 6-7 that night for a brief visit.

jkgreen April 12th, 2013 05:53 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I think I have made myself very clear.. I do not want anyone there for 8 hours after he is born. I would like the 3 of us to have bonding time before our parents hog him from me. I want to get the hang of BFing, I will want a shower, some make up, and hopefully some sleep.. We will see about that one. I'm hoping that I have him in the middle of the night.

On an off note: I think it is snowing... :eek:

sethsgirl April 12th, 2013 07:26 AM

Re: Visitors
 
When DS2 was born my mom was at my house with DS1. DS2 was born at 7:40pm so we decided to wait until the next day to have DS1 meet him. So by the time DH brought them to the hospital it had been about 15 hours since DS2 had been born. We don't live anywhere near family so I'm not as worried about it but my mom (assuming I don't give birth before 36 weeks since that's when she's flying out here) will be here at my house with our boys and depending on the time of day Olivia is born I would like them to meet her that day (although I may change my mind and it also depends if she's born early or not). I already know that my dad won't be visiting until a few days after my due date since that's when he's flying out here and my sister is flying out a few days later. I have no clue what DH's family is doing and probably won't until a week before they decide to come out here (which annoys me!).

As for what to do, I think you make it perfectly clear to them that you are excited for them to meet your baby but that it is very important for you, your BF and especially the baby for you 3 to have time together just the 3 of you for ___ hours at least to have time to bond and for baby to figure out how to nurse. The amount of time is really a personal choice and of course can be changed once the baby is born. I also don't see anything wrong with waiting until you've been home a day or two before letting family come by to meet your baby. To me it's very important to have as much initial bonding time as you need and as much time to get situated when you get home as you need. They may be mad about it at first but once they actually meet your baby they'll get over it.

ahruska April 12th, 2013 07:36 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I had DD at 8:30am so no one was really at the hospital since it was so early except for my mom (she was in the room with us) and DH's parent's (in waiting room while pushing). I was so out of it by the time she came b/c I had labored over 24 hours and didn't sleep the night before and was just so tired. My MIL must have called BIL's and SIL and they came tromping in soon after Jen was born. I was just eating and they were changing my gown in from of everyone. I was NOT happy with this but was so out of it I didn't say anything. I DO NOT want that again. So say what you want now b/c in the moment it may not get enforced and I wish we had that time alone and for me to get cleaned up before the extended family came to see her.

bellabri287 April 12th, 2013 08:47 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I know I am going to piss off my mom & dad, and DH's mom & dad but I want NOBODY there. Period. I want nobody in the waiting room making me feel pressured, I want nobody calling asking for updates... leave us alone. I am a FTM to twins, I am scared out of my mind about everything, especially bonding with TWO babies and BF TWO babies. I need time to be with them, I do not want to play "pass around the babies". It's going to be hard enough for DH and I to juggle them. Not to mention, they will likely be here early, could need the NICU ect. I don't need stress from other people. Oh and we are doing placenta encapsulation which I know people think is weird, I don't need people judging and asking "what's in the cooler, why is DH leaving you so soon" when he has to drop it off to the lady doing the encapsulation within 2 days of delivery.

I am also leery about visitors at home in the days after birth, this is our parents first grandchildren on both sides so I know it will be hard for them to be kept away. But I seriously don't want them here interrupting my bonding time and learning time with my babies. I told my mom early on visitors will not get to just sit and hold the babies, they will have to help out too, dishes, cooking, laundry, ect. She gave me a shocked look... ugh not a good sign of things to come with her.

tela April 12th, 2013 08:54 AM

Re: Visitors
 
with DS, EVERYONE was there waiting. my labor was over 24 hours, and i was EXHAUSTED by the time jacob was born. i don't even remember much, but i remember being annoyed that people kept coming into my room. i know they just wanted to congratulate me, but i wanted to scream!!!

this time i have my mom with me (and DH of course). no one else is allowed to visit until the next day. they will be pissed, but i don't care.

LessthanThree April 12th, 2013 12:47 PM

Re: Visitors
 
Our c-section was scheduled super early in the morning so our family waited until a few hours later to stop by. But that wasn't the case with my first born and everyone was there, which was awful because I was knocked out after a slightly traumatic c-section. One of my husband's family came in right when visitors were being asked to leave and got mad that he hurried her. People can be very rude when it comes to babies.

Honestly, if you don't feel you can just tell them to back off, I'd tell them that your hospital (or individual doctor) requires a certain amount of time to pass before visitors come. Or if you think you will deliver early, tell them the doctor wants you to lessen the chance of the baby getting sick.

As far as this time goes, my dad and step-mom will be traveling up here for the birth (since they weren't here for the others) so I'll let them come as early as they want, but mostly because I know they would give us our space. My GMIL and GFIL also can come whenever they want to but they also have no problem taking a walk when I need to nurse the baby and they stay long enough to enjoy the baby but not long enough to make me want to punch them lol

NinjaCakes April 12th, 2013 01:53 PM

Re: Visitors
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ahruska (Post 27279978)
So say what you want now b/c in the moment it may not get enforced and I wish we had that time alone and for me to get cleaned up before the extended family came to see her.

That's exactly what I'm worried about. My doctor told me they will not put us in the public registry at our request and I can tell the nurses we don't want visitors. I really don't want to go that route though. If they don't know before hand they might show up during labor and have to go back home, and that would surely tick them off. I'd rather they be mad at me now and get over it by the time she comes. Also, almost all of my family live out of town. I don't expect anyone to come rushing up as soon as she is born but on the chance that someone did, I wouldn't want them to be turned away after driving here. Better that everyone knows up front so we can avoid any drama. She'll still be the same baby for them to see the day after she's born as the hour after she's born.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeggysMommy (Post 27279262)
Last time I was more worried about everyone's feelings and less of my own. I wanted to please everyone else and let them see Megan before I really even did.

That's the kind of person I tend to be. I don't like conflict. I feel very strongly about this and don't want to have to deal with any craziness during such an important time. Better to have people ticked at us than for us to miss out and have regrets, right?

OnesOnTheWay April 12th, 2013 02:20 PM

Re: Visitors
 
This is a hard topic for me. I am such a private person that my not wanting people at the hospital is more about my own modesty than anything else.
I told my MIL I didn't want anyone staying with us until I'd recovered. I don't like people seeing me in pain and I don't like people being around me when I feel vulnerable.

I am very much like a cat.. I want darkness and privacy when I give birth. Put me in a cardboard box alone in a closet and I'll be just fine, lol!!!

I think not wanting visitors is perfectly normal.. I am shocked at how many people assume they can visit right away.

Gini_3boys April 12th, 2013 02:24 PM

Re: Visitors
 
I had no one visit me in the hospital except dh's parents with my first and my mom with my 2nd. No one came to visit me or the baby at all with my 3rd and it sucked. I would love family and friends to be so excited and couldn't wait to meet baby. I guess I just saw the other side of it, to have no visitors and it's very lonely and depressing. But in the end, it is your baby and your family and your choice. Hopefully people will respect that.

LadyGamer April 13th, 2013 01:15 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I'm very nervous about this. DH said he will go along and enforce any option I choose. I'm waffling between not letting vistors in for the first few hours, or just not letting them come until the next day. My ILs have already all said they want to know when I'm in labor so they can be at the hospital, and it makes me nervous.... so we'll need to figure something out beforehand so we can let them know what i goign on and our expectations.

Rachelde17 April 13th, 2013 04:09 AM

Re: Visitors
 
I know that visitors can be overwhelming...but there's nothing like the excitement of having DH or your SO walk out to a waiting room full of friends and family with the biggest grin of his life and make the big announcement to everyone that your baby is here, and everyone is doing great. Then the cell phone loaded with pictures is passed around and everyone hugs and is happy. The visitors end up trickling into the delivery room a couple at a time to meet the new baby, each stay for 20 minutes or so, and then promise to come back and see you when your home. For us, this is how my two deliveries went and it worked out well. The first couple hours were overwhelming, but the next two days at the hospital were more than enough time for DH and I to adjust to the new baby.

LeslieRN72 April 13th, 2013 02:40 PM

Re: Visitors
 
I have a strong personality to begin with. I generally say what I want and those who know me, understand. Usually I don't have to though. My husband knows me probably better than I know myself! He is my biggest advocate.

It's good to find your advocate. Maybe you have a family member or friend that will stand up for you (usually the blunt loud mouths are good for that). If you're worried about stepping on toes, find that person who doesn't mind being your advocate and doing the dirty work.

Furthermore....your nurse really should do this for you. As a nurse, our jobs are to advocate for our patients. If that means ticking off family members in the best interest of the patient's health and well-being---so be it.

mommamuffin April 13th, 2013 02:49 PM

Re: Visitors
 
I went in for an induction with my daughter but didn't tell anyone who wasn't on a need-to-know basis. Since she was my first, most people that we told still assumed I'd still be in labor the next morning (induction started at 7pm). Well, Isabelle was born at 2:37am. Steve's plan had been for his parents to be there when she was born, and they weren't. My dad and my brother were in the waiting room, my best friend, my mom & Steve were in the labor and delivery room with me. That's pretty much my whole support system.

We didn't specify a time, but we also didn't post her birth on facebook right away. We waited and we also asked that no one else post pictures of her until we did - it sounds kind of petty, but I just think it's so rude when friends and family you sometimes hardly see come in, take pictures, and post them all over the internet when you might not want them there.

Luckily for me, our peeps were pretty good about giving us some space. It was only every once in a while I got a little overwhelmed with all the visitors (i.e. I ended up with a pretty severe UTI and my nurse was an idiot and skipped me for rounds, so my fever went unnoticed and then during shift change we had a million visitors and I felt terrible and still tried to keep on a happy face for all the people standing around my bed).


BUT! Most importantly...
I think you just need to be clear as to what you and your BF want. I understand your personality is not the type to cause a ruckus or hurt other peoples feelings, but this is a time for you to stand up and be heard for the best interest of you and your family. It's you, BF and baby that come first now. Everyone else can wait.

Good luck <3

marriedtoamountie April 13th, 2013 04:12 PM

Re: Visitors
 
I have to say, everyone in our life with both of our kids were really respectful of us and phoned Ty first to ask if baby and mama were up for visitors. With Abby I had her at 11:45pm and I don't think anyone came to see me until after noon the next day - I had showered, was dressed, Ty was out running errands and baby I were lounging. With Bennett we called my mom to bring Abby and she came an hour after I had him and Ty took Abby shopping for Ben, so mom cuddled baby while I showered and "prettied" myself, and then helped me haul all our stuff from the labour suite to our room. Company started rolling in shortly after, but again they called first. I def am not one to want people piling in while I'm all nasty and still being stitched though :lol:

I don't know how anyone could be angry for you asking for a bit of time.... a day or two your baby is still going to be a baby, it won't grow up on them :lol:

Ty and I did have a rule with both births, we asked for no children guests, and once we got home we let everyone know you had to be 18+ to hold the baby. :lol: It was just easier to have the rule then telling germy preschoolers no, and letting older children. Again, no complaints from anyone.


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