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jl046100 August 12th, 2013 04:17 PM

Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
So technically were not married but have been together for 8 yrs with 2 kids so his mum is like my MIL but we had a massive row 2nite and so stressed she thinks I don't think she's good enough for my kids and my mum sees them more and I feel she doesn't respect my wishes in regard to the kids so we had it out 2nite but I ended up hanging up on her cause she implied I'm stopping my SO seeing his daughter from his first relationship which is so untrue I just feel sorry for my SO cause he's stuck in the middle and his mum is now saying she won't see the kids unless its on her own and I'm not there help!

kurly August 12th, 2013 04:41 PM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
That's so hard! I would say turn it over to your SO. He needs to talk with her and work out her issue with you. If that doesn't work, then she can schedule time with the kids by contacting your SO. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

On a completely unrelated side note, I've been meaning to ask you what clan you belong to? I married into the Buchanan Clan :)

jl046100 August 12th, 2013 05:03 PM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
My SO has been dealing with it but he's so stressed and its causing major issues in our relationship hence why I was trying to sort it out 2nite but I seem to have made it worse and I don't feel like I should give in and let her see the kids without me plus how's that going to help our relationship do u know what I mean arggggg it's so hard
Do u mean because I'm Scottish my SO is a Davidson but I'm not sure what clan he is sorry I may be sounding a bit clueless here x

ashj_1218 August 12th, 2013 08:01 PM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
This is what my MIL does all.the.time. I call it emotional warfare. They put on the "poor me" face and control you by acting like the victim and then turn it around on you to make their demands and expect you to bend to them.

My advice...DON'T DO IT! The only way she is going to learn her place and start acting like an adult is if you refuse to play her games and let her know exactly how things are going to be (in regards to your children especially). She had NO right to demand to see the kids without you present. None. And your husband allowing that to happen is only going to make her do this more often. Once they find a control tactic that works, they stick to it.

I wouldn't even address the barbs about your SO and his first daughter. She was just trying to get a rise out of you. And make you go on the defensive. I would just continue to tell her that you don't mind her seeing the kids, and would love them to have a relationship, but only if you are present and can make the calls as to what is acceptable for visits. If its stressing your husband out, I think it's okay for you to maintain the stance you have already taken. Sometimes my husband gets overwhelmed with being in the middle too. But I have let my MIL know that I reserve the right to make decisions on behalf of our relationship and my children. I think the idea behind letting SO handle his mom is that you won't be able to stop being the bad guy. But if you are already cast in that role, this time it's not going to make things worse.

But I totally understand and it is awful feeling :(

kurly August 12th, 2013 08:25 PM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
Okay- what Ashlee said! Lol

And yeah- because of the Scotland thing, my husbands family is very into their heritage :)

EverydayJoy August 12th, 2013 09:58 PM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
I agree with not letting the kids be with her on their own. In my opinion that will also set up a foothold for her to use them to manipulate you. I think you're doing the right thing standing up to her, it's tough but you're the mom, not her!

jl046100 August 13th, 2013 04:03 AM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :( update
 
She's now apparently going to get a lawyer to get access to the kids help could kill her honestly hate the women!

misty3281 August 13th, 2013 05:43 AM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ashj_1218 (Post 27582760)
This is what my MIL does all.the.time. I call it emotional warfare. They put on the "poor me" face and control you by acting like the victim and then turn it around on you to make their demands and expect you to bend to them.

My advice...DON'T DO IT! The only way she is going to learn her place and start acting like an adult is if you refuse to play her games and let her know exactly how things are going to be (in regards to your children especially). She had NO right to demand to see the kids without you present. None. And your husband allowing that to happen is only going to make her do this more often. Once they find a control tactic that works, they stick to it.

I wouldn't even address the barbs about your SO and his first daughter. She was just trying to get a rise out of you. And make you go on the defensive. I would just continue to tell her that you don't mind her seeing the kids, and would love them to have a relationship, but only if you are present and can make the calls as to what is acceptable for visits. If its stressing your husband out, I think it's okay for you to maintain the stance you have already taken. Sometimes my husband gets overwhelmed with being in the middle too. But I have let my MIL know that I reserve the right to make decisions on behalf of our relationship and my children. I think the idea behind letting SO handle his mom is that you won't be able to stop being the bad guy. But if you are already cast in that role, this time it's not going to make things worse.

But I totally understand and it is awful feeling :(

I've had to do all of this as well. My MIL was abusive to her own children and still degrades DH. I can't tell you how many times I've talked to DH after his mom called him and had to build him back up after her telling him how useless he is. I've told her she will not be allowed to be around Avery alone, so she went back to DH asking him what his dead grandparents would say. She's so manipulative and it torments him so I am taking over conversations because she certainly isn't going to manipulate me. As far as your MIL getting a lawyer, I don't know if the UK is anything like the US, but as long as the biological parents are alive and caring for the children properly there isn't anything that can be done. We had an issue with DH's ex wife's mom always threatening that grandparents have rights and she gets DSD too so we had to inform her grandparents rights only kick in if the parents aren't taking care of the child or her daughter dies and she wants to take us to court for visitation. It's frustrating but just keep to your decision. I would imagine she's just blowing off steam right now and won't actually follow through with any threats.

ashj_1218 August 13th, 2013 07:50 AM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
I don't like your post because of the horrors your MIL does to you and DH, but for the grandparenting advice.

And yeah, DHs mom is emotionally controlling. She does the same thing to my husband, but thankfully he is finally seeing that her words are empty and that she is only saying those things to manipulate him. He is breaking out of wanting to please her (it has taken years and therapy). But it's just awful to watch/listen to. My MIL is also never allowed alone with my children. And I often have to redirect the conversation even when we are all together. It's maddening. How someone can be such a vicious human being is beyond me. It kills me that others have to deal with it too.

jl046100 August 13th, 2013 08:28 AM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
I agree I think it's all just empty threats as well but as u say ashj it's emotionally stressful I just think its very insulting to be told I want to see ur kids but I don't want u there if she wants to see my kids then she has to get along with be to

rheaimedved August 13th, 2013 11:57 AM

Re: Stressed with my Inlaws :(
 
I doubt she has an legal backing to see the kids alone. Desperate people almost always threaten lawyers/police and it almost never works out in their favor. Don't let her scare you. Be firm that she can absolutely spend time with her grandchildren in your presence (and if you trust your partner to stand up to her, in his presence alone) and that you would love for her to have a relationship with her grandchildren-- but do not give in to her demands. I know it's stressful for your partner, so I would just try to keep lines of communication open with him and make sure he's telling you what his wishes are. So sorry you're dealing with this.


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