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-   -   New grandma here and need advise!! (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f28-mommy-lounge/915721-new-grandma-here-and-need-advise.html)

itty February 4th, 2008 01:25 PM

I am Angie and expecting a grandson any day now. My son is 16 (17 on Feb 14th) and he and his girlfriend came to me in July to tell me that she was pregnant. Instead of getting mad I accepted that things happen and have tried to do everything I can to help them thru this. I gave my son my car because HER mom said that his car wasn't "good enough", I have bought lotsa clothes, a bassinette, car seat, etc. Just anything I knew they would need. I have also taken and paid for 2 sonograms, one of which was 3D so that the kids would have a keepsake of the pregnancy. Needless to say the kids are set when the day arrives for their son to be born. Long story short....lately I have been told by her family that they don't want the baby at my house much, they don't want family coming to the hospital to see the baby, etc. My own son even had the nerve to tell me that I "act like this is MY baby" because I have tried to help. I am pretty much at my wits end here and was wondering if any grandmas have been through this?? I honestly thought that having my first grandchild would be more of a joyous occasion and lately its been a nightmare. I keep telling myself that they are just kids and they don't understand that its going to be a lot of work and they may need my help. I did however tell them (after they hurt my feelings by telling me that the baby won't be here much because SHE feels more comfortable at her house and that they felt like I was acting like he was MY baby) that if they needed my help I am here but I refuse to take total responsibility of this baby cause I am grandma and NOT the parent!! I seriously think its going to get worse after he gets here and am really scared that I won't be a part of his life due to her family being selfish. All I have done through this whole pregnancy is support these kids and I feel as if they don't care.
Any advise would be appreciated.

nana2jace February 4th, 2008 07:51 PM

First of all I want to say I am sorry you are being treated this way. It is a joyous occasion and dont let them ruin that for you. It seems to me that they are being a little ungrateful after all the things you have done for them. I am a little crazy over my one and only grandson and used to get told a little lol but with that being said now they want me to babysit all the time lol. Hopefully that will be the case for you also. It will come a time when they want to do things and its hard with a baby then they will be asking you to keep the baby. They are very young and probally really dont realize how much their lives are going to change. They will be needing your help and advice in alot of ways. Congrats on your grandbaby and I do so hope everyhting works out.

itty February 4th, 2008 09:30 PM

Thanks so much for your reply. I do hope they come and ask me to babysit cause I want to be in my grandsons life as much as possible. I think after he is here that they will change their tune and accept help where ever they can get it.
I know I can tell them over and over again that its a LOT of work and they will want my help....but right now its not sinking in. I am just waiting for the day that it does hit them (probably the day they have him).
In the meantime, I am being patient and holding my tongue.

nana2jace February 5th, 2008 08:02 AM

I think you are doing the right thing. It will hit them like a ton of bricks because it is the hardest thing to do raising kids that it. :D

tczoomama February 6th, 2008 05:16 PM







wow!! having been there i guess al i would add is that maybe you should just step back and let them figure it out on their own. you know and i know that they have bit off a bigger bite than they can chew. when it becomes a realaity to them they will quickly realize they need your support. just gently give it b ut let them learn as they go. it is so hard to step back. i am dealing with issues right now too with my grandson and i hate the conflict. i look forward to the days when things settle down and i can just enjoy being a grandma.


Quote:

I am Angie and expecting a grandson any day now. My son is 16 (17 on Feb 14th) and he and his girlfriend came to me in July to tell me that she was pregnant. Instead of getting mad I accepted that things happen and have tried to do everything I can to help them thru this. I gave my son my car because HER mom said that his car wasn't "good enough", I have bought lotsa clothes, a bassinette, car seat, etc. Just anything I knew they would need. I have also taken and paid for 2 sonograms, one of which was 3D so that the kids would have a keepsake of the pregnancy. Needless to say the kids are set when the day arrives for their son to be born. Long story short....lately I have been told by her family that they don't want the baby at my house much, they don't want family coming to the hospital to see the baby, etc. My own son even had the nerve to tell me that I "act like this is MY baby" because I have tried to help. I am pretty much at my wits end here and was wondering if any grandmas have been through this?? I honestly thought that having my first grandchild would be more of a joyous occasion and lately its been a nightmare. I keep telling myself that they are just kids and they don't understand that its going to be a lot of work and they may need my help. I did however tell them (after they hurt my feelings by telling me that the baby won't be here much because SHE feels more comfortable at her house and that they felt like I was acting like he was MY baby) that if they needed my help I am here but I refuse to take total responsibility of this baby cause I am grandma and NOT the parent!! I seriously think its going to get worse after he gets here and am really scared that I won't be a part of his life due to her family being selfish. All I have done through this whole pregnancy is support these kids and I feel as if they don't care.
Any advise would be appreciated.
[/b]

Ima Humanbean February 6th, 2008 10:00 PM

Hi Angie.

I am so sorry that this is distracting from the joy of a little one coming. You sure are in a hard spot to be in.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the girl's parents? Are they wanting the kids to get married or what are their thoughts? Who knows...they may feel threatened for some reason. Maybe if you just let them know you are available and are willing to help out then just leave it at that.

Keep us filled in!

LadyBelle February 7th, 2008 08:14 AM

(hugs) I am sorry they are being like that.I think I would stop doing unless asked.In 3 months when the clothes are outgrew & they have used every last diaper given to them & they see the $$$ come from them it will hit them!!! Or when their friend can go watch a movie or grab a burger and they have a baby and can't go they will rethink their position :lol:

I think I would try to sit down and talk to the mom(of your sons gf) & let her know you aren't trying to take over just trying to give them a good start.Maybe an olive branch with her would help.She might have concerns that you could address and resolve.I am the mom to a teen mom and I had alot of concerns about the other grandparents.But she is great and even though the son isn't the dad he should be she is an awesome grandma!!Communication is Key.Good Luck!


itty February 11th, 2008 11:28 AM

Quote:

Hi Angie.

I am so sorry that this is distracting from the joy of a little one coming. You sure are in a hard spot to be in.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the girl's parents? Are they wanting the kids to get married or what are their thoughts? Who knows...they may feel threatened for some reason. Maybe if you just let them know you are available and are willing to help out then just leave it at that.

Keep us filled in![/b]
In the 2 years that I have known this girl and her parents I am sad to say that her mom is a pathological liar and she takes a LOT of pain meds. Her dad on the other hand is a good person...he just drinks from time to time and goes out of town a lot. Her mom takes pain meds because she has been a lot of car accidents that has messed up her back. Just an example of some of the lies that her mom has told...I had a baby shower for Riah and invited my family and a few friends. During the party her mom and a friend of mine were standing outside talking. I didn't think much of it until I got a call later. Apparently her mom had told my friend that she was an RN. She told me she worked in a dental office. She also told my friend that she has a HUGE trust fund set up for Jay, Riah and Logan. Seems odd since she told me she is trying to get disability and has to rely on welfare. It just seems that everytime I talk to her mom I get a different story about her life and what she does or used to do.
To be honest, I am scared to have Logan at her house. My son has come home and told stories of times that her mom has passed out in her dinner (due to her pain meds). Her mom also told me that her back is crushed and she isn't allowed to life anything....does that also mean she cannot lift Logan? Kinda scared for the safety of my grandson.
I have even got to the point where I avoid calling her mom because I don't enjoy talking to her and I cannot believe what she says. I know I am not perfect, but I am at least honest.


** I forgot to add that her mom has also been talking a LOT about child support and I am afraid for my son. He has paid for lots of things for his son, been there through the whole pregnancy, and I feel he will be a great dad. I just hope and pray that greed doesn't hurt the relationship he has with his gf because her mom wants more welfare.

MrsAndMommy February 23rd, 2008 02:29 AM

I'm not a grandmother (obviously, I'm only 20) but I want to speak on behalf of the young parent as I have just recently made my mother a grandmother for the first time and we've had very similar problems.
I moved back home with my mom when I found out I was pregnant and she has helped me more than I could ever imagine but sometimes I feel like when she helps, she's doing everything and I'm the incapable young mom. So just on behalf of us as the seemingly unappreciative teens, we are thankful but sometimes it's just really conflicting and I suppose, we're all a bit stubborn.

Of course, I don't know your son and I could be wrong but I thought maybe that would be a bit of a help...=)

Connor&EmmettsMommy February 23rd, 2008 02:17 PM

I wanted to add in here too, I'm 21 on monday so i'm obviosuly not a grandma! When my son was born we spent a lot of time at my house (we have not moved out yet), but we also spent a lot of time at my boyfriends house. I was unsure of spending a lot of time there, but ended up going a lot because grandma over there was very helpful with everything. My parents worked a lot, but his parents were around a lot. Of course she knew we wanted to raise our son and do it ourselves, but when we wanted a little break or anything she was ready to take him.

I would just let him know you are there for them if they need you! She'll come around, ecspeically if her parents are the way they sound, they may want to be around you more in the long run :0)


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