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moon~maiden October 14th, 2010 06:56 AM

time out??
 
I am debating starting time outs with Cadie now that she is older and is blatantly rebelling and trouble making. She is a real handful a lot of the time. The problem is I'm not sure I really believe it will work and mostly I think it will just become a huge battle to get her to stay in it. I feel like the point will be totally lost. I really have a lot on my plate around here and I am afraid to take that on.

Does anyone use time outs? Why or why not?

AmandaEliz October 14th, 2010 07:45 AM

Re: time out??
 
I do with Ethan. His temper tantrums are epic & they get worse if I try to calm him down, so I put him on our ottoman in the living room & tell him to stay put until he can talk to me & I walk out of the room. I can always hear him trying to get control of himself & then when he's calm he comes to me & says "Ethan all done." I've found that trying to reason with him makes the tantrum worse & if I get frustrated & raise my voice... 100 times worse. When he was younger, I would put him in his room & shut the door & stand outside until he got control over himself. I know every kid is different, but Ethan needs to be removed from me, Mike & whatever he's angry about to be able to re-group.

I also use it when he's blatantly doing something he knows is not allowed. He usually sits where ever I put him until I tell him he can play again. After he's done in the time-out, I ask him why he had to stop playing. He usually knows, he says "Ethan throw car." or "I make mess." Or whatever. If he does it again, the time-out moves to his room (or in the house if we're outside). I've been doing time-outs with him for awhile, so he understands. I started them when the temper-tantrums became a problem & as he's gotten old enough to understand what he's doing wrong, I started using them for that too. They're very effective for the temper-tantrums, but honestly I'm not sure how they're working for misbehaving. He's just 2, so still pretty young, but I'm trying to be consistent about rules & consequences. My hubby is a bit of a push over, so that's a problem in our house. Mike will let him get away with a lot more than I do, partially I think because he's not home with him every day.

I'm working very hard as a Mommy to not yell unless he's doing something dangerous & I need to get his attention. This is a huge challenge for me; I'm a vocal person & I know I have a quick temper. Sometimes putting him in a different room until he calms down is as much for me to re-gain my composure as it is for him. I know Cadie is older than Ethan, so I'm not sure how time-outs will work. I think time-outs are really helping Ethan learn action & consequence.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

noworries October 14th, 2010 08:10 AM

Re: time out??
 
I use them with Eva. They work really well with her. If she won't stay in time out, she has to go do time out in Isaac's crib (since he isn't sleeping in it yet) and she really hates that.

ChicaChels October 14th, 2010 08:39 AM

Re: time out??
 
I put brylie in "timeout" for about 15 seconds if she's doing something she shouldnt be (playing in the dog's water dish..drives me NUTS!) or if she is being super naughty - she totally get's it that when i put her down in the corner, she better not move until i get on her level. I don't yell at her or anything - ever - but I do get on her level and say "that is not okay" and she goes to the corner for a few seconds..she usually cries for about 2-3 seconds and then just sits there until I get down and say "I put you in timeout because you were playing in Ellie's water dish and I asked you to stop" (I also usually ask her 3x and redirect her before I remove her from the situation and put her in the corner)...once timeout is over i give her a hug and then she goes and plays in the living room. she is very slowly starting to go to Ellie's water dish less and less.


We don't put her in her room or crib ever because we don't want her to associate those places with "bad" feelings, but it's all personal preference on what you think will work for you! My in law's thought I was insane the first time they saw me put her in timeout..until they saw her just sit there and then she was totally done with playing in the water dish. I don't think a few minutes alone to recollect herself will hurt anything :) Even in a 1 year old

horseradishmayo October 14th, 2010 09:53 AM

Re: time out??
 
we do time outs here and it's VERY hard when you start because they never really stay and you have to keep putting them back (that's how it was with Sarah anyway). but after a few times they start to get it. you really need to decide how you want to do time out and be consistent with it.
we only do time outs if she is doing something really "bad" and i usually give her about 3 warnings first, but if she hits she doesn't get a warning.
when she is in time out she cries, kicks and screams the whole time, but afterward she hugs me for a long time and is very apologetic and listens to me tell her why i put her in time out in the first place and we have a nice little chat. we're are now pretty much to the point where the threat of time out is enough to get her to behave.

good luck!

mgm78 October 14th, 2010 09:56 AM

Re: time out??
 
I am reading Dr Sear's Discipline book and he says that even at first, if they do not seem to get it, they are getting it, somewhat. I would just be consistent and also explain, in easy to understand terms, what you are doing. We have not done time out yet, but I am sure it is in our future ;)

MamaMandy October 14th, 2010 10:33 AM

Re: time out??
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by moon~maiden (Post 21828868)
I am debating starting time outs with Cadie now that she is older and is blatantly rebelling and trouble making. She is a real handful a lot of the time. The problem is I'm not sure I really believe it will work and mostly I think it will just become a huge battle to get her to stay in it. I feel like the point will be totally lost. I really have a lot on my plate around here and I am afraid to take that on.

Does anyone use time outs? Why or why not?

Liana has sensory integration/processing disorder, which is neurological and beyond her control BUT does manifest in behaviors, along with a diagnosis of emotional disturbance, which I've spent years learning about and helping her through. So, I'm not an expert, but she and I have had A LOT of intervention & support services that taught us a few tricks. :)

For us anyway, the best one has been time out BUT - huge but- we call it "taking space" and it is approached 100% as a positive thing, as a coping mechanism for her, and we even use it when she is just getting too overexcited and out of control. Plus, it's action/intervention on my part to end the problem behavior, and if I'm lucky, to spot that she's gearing up and take space BEFORE the meltdown. I explained to her ahead of time we were going to try a new way to handle all those feelings that boil over and make us fight/feel bad/whatever words you use, so we can get back on with enjoying our day. When "stuff gets too much", we BOTH will go into a room to "take some space", to breathe, to chill however works, even if it's watching TV, looking at a book, punching the bejeepers out of her bed & pillow, thrashing on the bed like a wild animal - whatever she needs. and *when she is ready* (aka, calm, rational, not angry anymore) she can tell me what was going on. For us, it's been so important that I just BE there until she's chill- no blabbering on to her, or trying to coerce her any which way (after she's got the tools, at first I did quietly suggest what might help her, if she wanted to try) Usually I sit there and obviously breathe deeply, shake out my shoulders, read - basically model the behavior I'm expecting from her AND calming myself down too. Only after she tells me her reality of it, do I step in with the mom stuff about a better way to handle it. For her, it's usually using her words and telling people how XYZ made her feel, and being able to walk away if that person won't/can't/shouldn't change what they're doing. Or it's finding another toy while she waits for her turn, or being angry without hurting herself or someone/thing. I make sure to ask her too how she might have done it differently and/or which ways she thinks would work out better for her/others. The whole point of a timeout is to stop "bad" behavior, redirect, and relearn so it doesn't have to be a punishment or solitary seclusion, and if it's not seen by them as bad, they are more likely to cooperate and get more out of it to boot. After the first few times, she didn't fight me on taking space (well, rarely!) because it helped her and it sure beats a screaming angry showdown, she realized ok this is a good thing for me and mom's not going to punish me, she's trying to help.

Now, sometimes *I* am the target and what/who is setting her off - still, I give her the chance to have me in the "space place" with her but it's been made REALLY clear I will leave to take my own space if she tries or does hurt me either physically or "hurting words" like I hate you, you're an awful mom etc. I think it helped a lot for her to see me taking space too, and it sure helps me to be able to say "I"m getting cranky and I don't want to be, I need to take some space" and she gets that. It was kinda tough to define that it was ok she let me know she's mad at me or doesn't like me at that moment, but not ok to say I hate you etc, it took a lot of teaching by example, that boiled down to don't be cruel, if I wouldn't say it to you, don't say it to me. But that came later, at first I'd just sit there will she railed and flipped and screamed - baby steps, she wasn't hitting or breaking things or banging her head so it was progress! It really taught me how awful her meltdowns were FOR HER, that she didn't WANT to be acting like that, but her little body & soul would get so overwhelmed with all these strong feelings and not know how to process them/deal with them/fix the situation. It was a huge, heartbreaking breakthrough once I realized this wasn't something she was "doing to me" or doing on purpose, it was her at her breaking point. Once I started looking at it like that and with compassion for her, it helped me keep my anger & impatience in check, so instead of yelling or locking her in her room or whatever I have the head about me to do something helpful and use it as a teaching and even sometimes bonding moment. At first we did this like a million times a day, now it's a couple times a week max and she will even tell me "Breathe, Mom, just breathe" or ask "Do you need to take some space? You sound angry" Wow, I wrote a frickin book here! Sorry so long! Hopefully this kind of different spin & perspective on the whole time out strategy is helpful. If you want to give it a try & I somehow didn't write enough about the method - LOL- feel free to ask away. Good luck, I know how tough challenging behavior can be day in and day out! Just breathe, Mom!

noworries October 14th, 2010 10:50 AM

Re: time out??
 
Most of the time when I put Eva in time out she says sorry after about 15 seconds and then I have her come and give me a hug and a kiss and I tell her that I love her. I also have her repeat to me why she had to go in time out and reiterate that whatever it was that she did is not acceptable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChicaChels (Post 21829904)
We don't put her in her room or crib ever because we don't want her to associate those places with "bad" feelings, but it's all personal preference on what you think will work for you!


I agree with this. This is why we use Isaac's crib and only when we have to (basically when I'm at the end of my rope and she won't stay in her time out space).

Sometimes if Eva is just being difficult, before she gets to the point of getting a time out for bad behavior, I will ask her if she needs to take a break and calm down/readjust her behavior. This gives her the chance to avoid a time-out by just taking a break in her room.

monica8 October 14th, 2010 11:07 AM

Re: time out??
 
I think timeouts can be really helpful when done right. We're not at the timeout phase yet, but I've dealt with timeouts while watching other people's kids.

It'd probably be really hard at first, but worth it in the end. It might take 100 times of putting her back the first 2 or 3 times, but once she figures out it's not a choice, it'll get easier. If you cave once, then they will try to make you get to that point of caving again.

I also found that being non nonchalant about it helped. Just "We keep our hands to ourselves, now you have to go sit on the stairs." It's a good time for the parent to take a breather as well (especially if they did something to you).

I had a bad temper as a kid and wish my parents would have used time outs to diffuse it. Instead of teaching me how to calm myself down, they would get upset, which only made me get more worked up. It didn't happen often, but when it did, I was out of control. When I was about 10, I realized that extended family talked poorly about my behavior issues behind my back. I was so embarrassed that I tried to keep in line from them on. Definitely the hard way to learn to behave.

niknok October 14th, 2010 05:59 PM

Re: time out??
 
Drake will NOT sit still for a time out. And I don't have the time or patience to put him back a million times. HOWEVER, we found the perfect solution. The unused pack and play in our playroom! It's fantabulous for both of us.

ChicaChels October 14th, 2010 08:01 PM

Re: time out??
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by chispaza (Post 21831450)
Most of the time when I put Eva in time out she says sorry after about 15 seconds and then I have her come and give me a hug and a kiss and I tell her that I love her. I also have her repeat to me why she had to go in time out and reiterate that whatever it was that she did is not acceptable.




I agree with this. This is why we use Isaac's crib and only when we have to (basically when I'm at the end of my rope and she won't stay in her time out space).

Sometimes if Eva is just being difficult, before she gets to the point of getting a time out for bad behavior, I will ask her if she needs to take a break and calm down/readjust her behavior. This gives her the chance to avoid a time-out by just taking a break in her room.



I didn't even read your response until now! Sorry! I hope you dont think I was attacking you or anything. We have put Bry in our room for timeout, I was just saying we never use her room as her timeout space because we want it to be her happy place :hug:

noworries October 14th, 2010 08:48 PM

Re: time out??
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ChicaChels (Post 21836683)
I didn't even read your response until now! Sorry! I hope you dont think I was attacking you or anything. We have put Bry in our room for timeout, I was just saying we never use her room as her timeout space because we want it to be her happy place :hug:

Don't worry, I didn't feel attacked at all. Just wanted to say that I agreed that it's best not to put them in their own crib/room for a time out.

Kathode October 15th, 2010 05:08 AM

Re: time out??
 
I agree with everyone.
Cheryl, you've met Mia, we started using time outs when she was around 2, I guess. Just the threat of a time out is enough to get her back on track now. I always counted her down to it, 'if I count to three and you haven't done/stopped doing..." then 1-2-3 (slowly) pick her up and put her in the corner (our time out place).
They will not stay there at first, it's hard the first few times, but if you're consistent, it'll get better. If she wouldn't go or stay in time out, i would increase her time there. So i would say 'you need to go in the corner for 1 minute' and if she was non compliant i would nonchalantly say ' it's up to you, but if you don't go now, it will be 2 minutes (then 3, then 4 etc). It always worked. I used the microwave timer to countdown her time out.
Also, the nice thing about having a corner as a time out place, as opposed to a specific chair or step or something, is that there are corners everywhere, so if you're not at home, you can still be consistent.
Last thing, it was mentioned above but is very important, AFTER the time out, ask her why she needed it and how she can do better next time (you will be amazed at the answers), and then tell her you love her with a big hug!

SavaAngel October 15th, 2010 08:04 AM

Re: time out??
 
We do time outs. Prior to about 2 yrs old, I would sit with him to keep him in time out (but not giving him attention while in time out, just basically keeping him there). When he got to two, he would understand that he had to stand there and we do a minute for every year of age, so at 2 he was in time out for 2 minutes. I would set a timer and when it rang (and the dog barked - she hated the timer) we would discuss why he was in time out and why he shouldn't do whatever got him there.

As he got older, we had to make consequences. If he went in time out and continued the bad behavior, he would loose a toy or privilege (TV or something along those lines). We still do that. Now if he cries in time out he can't come out till he stops crying. If he won't stop crying, he goes to his room. A friend of mine shared that tip and said it almost always works - with or without toys in the bedroom.

bostoncreampie October 15th, 2010 01:55 PM

Re: time out??
 
I'm on my phone so I didn't read responses. But Walter recently started acting wild and so I started time outs, and it backfired. It felt contradictory to how I had been positively parenting him. And it made him feel bad about himself. So I started researching some and found this book series called Positive Discipline.
They have a message board too, just google. The authors name is Nelson. She has a great book for preschoolers. She also has a booked called Positive Time Out. Positive Time Out
It's good stuff. And it's working way better than time outs, and falls in line with what we've been doing. Alfie Kohn also has a good book called Unconditional Parenting that might be worth looking at.

oriel13 October 15th, 2010 06:12 PM

Re: time out??
 
I started them with Brayden about 4-5 weeks ago. I was really at the end of my rope and didn't know what to do - he was blatantly ignoring me and doing things he knew were no-nos even with me standing right there.
I put his little foam couch behind his dad's recliner and had him sit there and it was totally counter-productive because then we were fighting over him staying on the couch. So I took a baby gate and blocked off our entryway (a very short hallway by the coat closet, I can see all the way down from our living room) and put him there. The difference was amazing and it happened fast. He responds to the separation aspect of the timeout (he's only in there for 60-90 seconds at his age) and so it's really worked for us, though I understand why others are hesitant to use timeouts.

moon~maiden October 16th, 2010 06:41 AM

Re: time out??
 
Cadie is a VERY strong willed child, which is why I hesitated, as Nikki said, I didn't want it to be about "breaking" her to stay in there. But I did end up doing one yesterday just for a minute. She talked the whole time but she stayed and I ended it before it became a real big deal. Of course we talked about it after.

Kristen, I will check that book out, thanks!


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