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Jennifer8080 October 29th, 2010 06:51 PM

MIL Debate
 
My husband and I were discussing the birth today. And we were discussing visitors after, etc. I told him that I really wanted it to just be him, my mom and the doula at the birth center until after Kennedy is born, that his mom can come then, but not until after the birth. I told him it wasn't anything personal, but that I wasn't comfortable and felt it would be awkward for her to be at the birth center while I'm in labor and delivering. He went ballistic. He said that it wasn't about me, and that he can not and will not tell his mother that she can't come. WTH?! I'm sorry....last I checked, I'm the one that's pushing this baby out, I'm pretty sure it is about me to some extent. He then went on to tell me how selfish it was and that his brother's wife let him and his mom be at the hospital in the waiting room. Um yes...if we were delivering at a hospital with a waiting room, she could gladly sit in the waiting room.

I asked him if he'd want to spread his legs and let his goods hang out with my mother present? Of course he said, "No, but this is different." He ended up screaming at me. We're supposed to be meeting with the doula this week. I'm just praying that she can talk some sense into him. I'm willing to give in on a lot of things, but this is one thing that I'm not willing to compromise on. Especially after his attitude about it.

monica8 October 29th, 2010 07:10 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
That's an awful place to be put in.

I have to say that I felt obligated by DH to have my MIL visit at the hospital the next day. It made me uncomfortable from the start, because I knew I'd be trying to nurse and she's a bit of an attention hog.

It's still really hard for me to look back at that day knowing she was there. There are more pictures of her holding Levi at the hospital than me. There are even some pictures of her with Levi and DH. We got none of the 3 of us. It was a happy day, it was just a whirlwind, and her negative energy wasn't needed.

I couldn't imagine having her actually in the room. That would have been even more awful. Definitely stick to your guns. I regret so much not sticking to mine. It just wasn't worth it. This time she's not going to be invited to the hospital at all. She's having no part in our baby's birth. Not her place. Looking back I think W T F was she doing there?!

Sorry for my rant... it just sounds like you have a similar situation with DH and MIL as I had.

I really hope your DH comes to your side on his own.

sodagirl October 29th, 2010 09:45 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
hugs. it is about you. all about you and baby. until he can squish a baby out - he has to get over it. Hmmm actually - it's not about you - it's about your cervix and it's ability to open up. For that to work you need to be comfortable. Ask him to try pooping with an audience :) (((hugs))) I hope your doula can help. Is there any sort of waiting room for MIL to be in? perhaps you can say the birth center doesn't allow more guests? maybe read some of Ina may's guide to child birth to him. you need to be comfortable for labour to progress properly.

pressedfairie October 30th, 2010 09:38 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sodagirl (Post 21981307)
you need to be comfortable for labour to progress properly.

That.

I would probably put my foot down on this one. Fortunately for me, DH does not want his mom in the room while I'm in labor. But if he did, we'd be having this same argument.

AmandaEliz October 30th, 2010 10:03 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
I actually had a rule. If you weren't there during conception, you didn't need to be there during L&D (unless it was your job). That also meant I had to compromise & my mom wasn't there either.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, but you have to realize the MIL is going to be a sensitive issue from here out. Yeah, you're the one doing all the work, but baby's birth-day is as special to him as it is to you. I'm betting your DH doesn't want his family (namely his mom) to be left out. Especially because your mom is going to be there. Whether he'll admit it or not (or even realizes it), he's probably always going to be a little sensitive about your kids' relationship with his parents. Flat out, he's not going to want your kids to prefer your parents. Its become pretty obvious with Mike that that is the case & I doubt he has ever consiously realized it. He really likes my parents, but he wants our kids to be just as close to his parents as mine.
I also wasn't comfortable having my bits & pieces on display to my MIL. So, I bit the bullett & told my mom no as well. Honestly though, when I hit transition, there could've been 100 people there & I probably wouldn't have noticed; my entire focus was on my body & birth.
I'm not saying the way he reacted was ok, it certainly doesn't sound like he was reasonable at all. All I'm saying is that you also have to take a deep breath & see it from his perspective, too. This is something very special you are getting to share with your mom & he wants that too. I know it sucks, but you may have to consider some sort of compromise, one that makes the birth experience everything you both want it to be.
:dothug:

BobbityBoo October 31st, 2010 06:11 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by AmandaEliz (Post 21983824)
I actually had a rule. If you weren't there during conception, you didn't need to be there during L&D (unless it was your job). That also meant I had to compromise & my mom wasn't there either.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, but you have to realize the MIL is going to be a sensitive issue from here out. Yeah, you're the one doing all the work, but baby's birth-day is as special to him as it is to you. I'm betting your DH doesn't want his family (namely his mom) to be left out. Especially because your mom is going to be there. Whether he'll admit it or not (or even realizes it), he's probably always going to be a little sensitive about your kids' relationship with his parents. Flat out, he's not going to want your kids to prefer your parents. Its become pretty obvious with Mike that that is the case & I doubt he has ever consiously realized it. He really likes my parents, but he wants our kids to be just as close to his parents as mine.
I also wasn't comfortable having my bits & pieces on display to my MIL. So, I bit the bullett & told my mom no as well. Honestly though, when I hit transition, there could've been 100 people there & I probably wouldn't have noticed; my entire focus was on my body & birth.
I'm not saying the way he reacted was ok, it certainly doesn't sound like he was reasonable at all. All I'm saying is that you also have to take a deep breath & see it from his perspective, too. This is something very special you are getting to share with your mom & he wants that too. I know it sucks, but you may have to consider some sort of compromise, one that makes the birth experience everything you both want it to be.
:dothug:

I like this advice! ^^^

You will have to feel the situation out further to see if you need to bite the bullet and not have your mom there. In the end it is YOUR labor and as Ami said it will not progress if you aren't comfortable. So you can put your foot down and not have MIL there but you might also have to compromise and not have your mom there, for your marriage. KWIM??

Having said that... do you know if MIL wants to be there? He is arguing for her but as you said she was in the waiting room of the hospital for the other SIL not IN the room watching her push out a baby. For all you or DH knows she has NO desire to see you bits! lol Every parent and grandparent I'm sure wants to feel included and get to see the baby quickly, but even in the hospital there is a good 30 mins if not more where they are taking care or you, delivering the placenta, etc. where family isn't invited in yet, so you get that time alone with DH and baby. Then you can always extend that. So maybe remind DH of that. Also maybe you can find some articles about how uncomfortable situations have affected mom's labor. Sometimes a nurse or doula will clear the room to let mom relax.

But first and foremost I would figure out if MIL wants to be there. If not, there is no argument! I know my MIL had no wishes to be present for my home birth. She was there for the hospital birthof my son, but she is a nurse and that was her element. Home birth... not so much. I was freaking out about it the whole time but when it came down to it, she didn't want to be there. Good luck! :D

Jennifer8080 October 31st, 2010 06:59 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Well...it's all pretty irrelevant right now, because I don't even know that my husband's going to be there. After he spent 12 hours golfing and drinking yesterday he came home to find me very upset and crying. When I tried talking to him, he blew up again and told me that he's not happy in our marriage and that he's "done." He left.

HappyHippy October 31st, 2010 11:22 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. My DH was the opposite and I told him MIL could come to both our son's births and although he did ask MIL if she wanted to, he did say he'd feel weird having her there (more for the hospital birth than the homebirth and MIL was at our home for awhile, but long gone before baby arrived).

This birth is about you becoming a mother and bringing your precious baby into this world. It is not about making your husband happy, or your mom happy or your MIL happy. It's about bringing a baby onto this earth as safely as possible. You really do need to feel comfortable in labor, stress, anxiety, awarkdness etc. are not welcome in labor and birth. Those will hinder the birth process. He needs to realise that and that if you're not comfortable with his mother there than it's best that she isn't there. And have YOUR mom at the birth with you is usually a tradition (of course not everyone does, but most people that I have worked with had their mom with them). Having your mom with you is comfort. I hope he comes around and understands, or that your Doula can help. Maybe you could even talk to your MIL and explain to her.

monica8 October 31st, 2010 11:58 AM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer8080 (Post 21988747)
Well...it's all pretty irrelevant right now, because I don't even know that my husband's going to be there. After he spent 12 hours golfing and drinking yesterday he came home to find me very upset and crying. When I tried talking to him, he blew up again and told me that he's not happy in our marriage and that he's "done." He left.

Wow.

HUGS!

Jennifer8080 October 31st, 2010 04:19 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Well...he's back. We haven't talked much. But he agreed to counseling, and he wants to go away next weekend?!?! I was like um yeah, I'm not just forgetting the fact that you did this and going on the romantic "babymoon" we had planned! I guess only time will tell. I'm not even getting into who's going to be present at the birth. We have 4 months to deal with that, and at this point the issues are so much bigger.

BobbityBoo November 1st, 2010 12:55 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
I'm so sorry things are strange right now. It must be really hard to handle things like that while pregnant. Let's us know if you need anything or if you want to talk you can always PM me or msg on FB! :hug:

monica8 November 1st, 2010 01:23 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
HUGS again. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Counseling is a good first step. DH and I got so much more on the same page once we started going.

sodagirl November 1st, 2010 02:01 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Oh sweety!! ((((hugs)))) I'm sorry! I think counciling is a great idea. Pregnancy and birth - is really stressful on both people and a marriage. The hormones can make both of you not quite yourselves. Hopefully talking to someone else will help. fell free to talk to us whenever you need too. more (((hugs)))

Jennifer8080 November 1st, 2010 03:18 PM

Re: MIL Debate
 
Thanks ladies. Your support means so much to me. It's so hard to believe everything that's going on. I've uncovered some things today and I think a lot of his behavior is stemming from something one of his friend's said when drunk. And apparently he's been told to set that straight with DH. He's been doing some SERIOUS butt kissing today...so we'll see what happens.


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