Today is October 17, 2012, and in a week I will be 27. My boyfriend and I are fully committed to each other, and someday I know he will ask me to be his wife. I love him with my everything. The timing is just a tiny bit off because he is finishing up paramedic school and that is demanding and stressful and I am in a dead end job as a Pharmacy Technician with dreams of moving to a job with a salary and hours that would be conducive to me going back to college to be a nurse. Needless to say, becoming pregnant this summer was not exactly on our "to-do" list right now. I felt different almost immediately and I knew I was pregnant before the test gave me the positive sign. I thought I would be terrified and think of all the reasons why it was bad timing and all of that but I didn't. I was just happy. I wanted this and I felt like it was right and good and mine and meant to be and blessed.
But from there I made many mistakes. I had always heard not to announce until between 8 and 12 weeks so I told no one. No one. Not even my boyfriend. This was a big, giant, terrible mistake. Why didn't I tell him? We are partners? He would have been happy. I know this, in hindsight. And why didn't I tell my mom? She is my best friend. I am VERY close to her. I just felt SO protective of the whole thing for some reason.
Two steps back, a tiny back story on me: I have lupus and arthritis and a condition called ehlers-Danlos syndrome that causes your joints to be loose and unstable within their sockets and hyperextend or come out of place or grind etc. I have been on medications for those issues as well as ulcers and insomnia from those problems and muscle relaxants for the tremors, restless legs and muscle shocks/spasms from lupus. I stopped all of that which meant I was pretty miserable feeling but I didn't care.
Anyway, I had just made my appointment with my OB/GYN (who was shocked since he had seen my for my first ever gyno appointment just after my 16th birthday when I had been raped. We bonded over both of us having BRACES on our teeth at the time... He said he feels so old that I was all grown up now) and he was going to see me at week 9 but then I had him fit me in during week 8, we both decided we couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat!
About 2 days later, on August 24th while I was at work I started to feel really dizzy so I grabbed something to eat. I have a bad habit of forgetting to eat and going to long and getting run down. I made a mental note that I could NOT do that anymore. The dizziness was immediately better but just as quickly replaced with intense cramps that came in waves so bad that I could barely stand up straight. I was thanking God that it was 6pm and I got off work at 7 because the pain was bad. I kept trying to stretch to get it to ease but it was no use. Nothing helped. My boss took pity on me and sent me home 25 minutes early.
When I got there, I did my usual routine of changing out of my scrubs and into yoga pants and while I was switching I bent over in pain and I guess I had been bleeding some but at that point it went Texas chainsaw massacre and bled so badly I had blood coming through my underwear and thighs and I was able to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I knew what was happening and sunk onto the floor... I don't even know how long I laid there crying and bleeding and wishing God took me too and wishing I had someone to share my grief with then hating myself for being so selfish. It's such a cycle.
It took me a while to tell my boyfriend. He didn't understand why I didn't tell him from the beginning and I don't have an answer to that. It took me even longer to tell anyone else... I finally broke down and told my mom. I needed her to lean on. But nothing really helps this part of me that is missing now. I've told a few friends. They try to be there and to understand. Most can't. I would never ever want them to have to. I have anxiety attacks and I cry. I feel like I'm getting weaker instead of stronger. Afraid I won't be whole again.
At first I didn't tell anyone, but now I'm telling you in hopes that it may help. I feel every emotional nerve in my body is exposed to the elements and not in a good way.
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