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jennyrae03 February 21st, 2013 07:02 AM

Dear "Bump"...
 
Well I thought since I am having crazy mixed emotions right now, and I don't have anybody to vent to (and because my fingers can't handle me writing this much in my actual journal), I would start an online journal here. And hopefully if anybody reads this, they can offer me support and advice, and maybe a little bit of sanity...

I'm Jenny. I'm 28 and I'm from Iowa. My husband Joel and I got married on Sept 8, 2012 in what I consider to be the most magical wedding ever. Think lots of grays, pale yellows, and baby pink, floating around in a sea of giant paper flowers, scrabble pieces, and old suitcases. Okay it sounds weird when you put it that way.

Anyway, we wanted to try for a baby right away after we got married, but our honeymoon wasn't until January, so we thought we'd better wait. I certainly didn't want to be pregnant for our 10 days in Jamaica! So in December, we decided to stop using birth control and just prevent until we were ready to actually start trying. My first period off birth control was on January 5 and lasted only 3 days. It came "on time" as far as I could tell, so I thought that maybe I would be lucky and my cycles would be normal! So we went on our honeymoon to Jamaica, which was conveniently during the time when I should have ovulated. Wahoo, a honeymoon baby!!!

Well, the week we came home (Jan 28), I thought for sure I was pregnant. I had crazy sore boobs (couldn't stand for them to be touched), I felt like I was on fire constantly - like I had the world's highest fever, and I was having a pulling sensation near my uterus. So the following weekend I was expecting my period (Feb 2ndish). Well it never came. I peed on a stick. And then 8 more. Negative every time. I kept waiting and waiting, period never came. What the fudge?

Joel and I DTD a couple times that week, because god forbid we get to my period without having had sex first! So on February 8, when my period still hadn't shown up, I called my doctor and asked what the deal was. She said "Well, wait 4 or 5 more days and test again. You may have ovulated later than you think you did. If it is still negative, you are probably just having a late cycle, and we won't worry unless you go three months without a period." What?!

Anywho, I waited 4 days, didn't get my period. So on Monday Feb 11, I was planning on dying my hair. I figured, hey I'm not pregnant, I'm just having a weird cycle. No biggie. Well that morning, my boobs started hurting really bad! Then I went to eat lunch with my sister and my Mexican food tasted funny. After that I went to Walmart, and while I was there, I was overwhelmed by the smell of old lady perfume! I thought to myself "Okay, I am buying one more test and if it is negative, I'm done testing!"

I went home and peed on the stick. Faint positive. OMG! POSITIVE! I held my pee and didn't drink anything for another hour and a half. Peed on another stick (okay I bought a three pack). POSITIVE!

I am a terrible secret keeper, so I knew I had to tell Joel right away. I made him a card that said "Can't wait to meet you Daddy. I'll be here in October. Mommy says she's really sorry for interfering with harvest! Love, Baby Goodman" - I set the positive test with the card on the dining room table. Joel came home from work and saw it, and said "Is this for real?!" I told him yes, that it wasn't for jokes! He said "HIGH FIVE, WE MADE A BABY!" haha :D

At the time, I thought I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I really didn't have very many symptoms, except for occasionally tender boobs and a little sleepy. Sometimes a metallic taste in my mouth. Well fast forward to two days ago, Tuesday Feb 19. I started having really strange pains in my lower right abdomen. I called my doctor after a couple hours of this, and they said they wanted me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. Of course, I freaked out and spent most of the evening crying (previous losses, will explain after bit).

So yesterday Joel and I went for our ultrasound. She had to do a transvaginal ultrasound of course, so that she could see everything. She checked my uterus briefly, and it looked small to me and I couldn't see much. After that she checked my ovaries. She said she was done, and had me sit up so she could explain what she saw. First she showed me my ovaries and said that I had a very small cyst on my right ovary, which was likely causing the pain I was having. Then she switched to my uterus. "And here," she says, "is the smallest gestational sac I have ever taken an ultrasound of!" She said I most likely ovulated really late, and that my gestational sac was only 2.68mm, so small that she couldn't even date the pregnancy. She could sort of see the yolk sac though, which is good. I have to go back for another ultrasound on March 5, so that they can make sure it is progressing normally (praying super hard that it is), and hopefully date the pregnancy.

So here I am, Feb 21...and I have NO IDEA how far along I am. I'm thinking somewhere around 5 weeks. I'm HOPING it's 5 weeks. I'm honestly very concerned that there is something wrong with this pregnancy. I'm really quite worried, and it's causing me to feel sort of detached from it - I feel like I don't want to be excited about it, because I am preparing myself for a loss. Obviously if the pregnancy continues to progress and all is well, I will be ecstatic! I just feel sort of numb about it - like for over a week, I thought I was 5-6 weeks along, and everything was going great, and then I find out that I wasn't that far at all, and now I have to sit here and worry.

If you're reading this, pray for me. I want this pregnancy so badly, and I especially want this pregnancy for MY HUSBAND. He will make such an amazing father, and I don't want him to have to experience the devastation of a miscarriage.

jennyrae03 February 24th, 2013 09:43 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Nothing really to report today - I guess the past day or two, I have been feeling nauseous but never really sick. Just feeling kind of queasy/gross, and usually feel better after I eat something. I'm running out of energy quickly as well. I'm not sure if that's a symptom of pregnancy, or if it's because I haven't been to the gym in three weeks! lol :)

I'm still praying like a mad woman, and talking to the Bump, trying to convince him or her to stay strong and keep growing really big so that when we go for the ultrasound on March 5, we can actually see something. And hopefully hear a heartbeat. I'm so scared that we'll go back and they'll tell me that the pregnancy isn't progressing and that I've had a missed miscarriage or something. It terrifies me. I'm still trying not to get TOO attached to this pregnancy until I know for sure that everything is okay. I've been avoiding looking at baby stuff/thinking about baby names/etc. It's not that I'm not excited about it. I want this baby more than anything. I just don't want to be any more heartbroken than I have to be if something goes wrong.

We started remodeling our upstairs a few days ago, so for the next month or so, we are sleeping in the living room (we moved our mattress in there, so we have a bed at least). The entire upstairs is being gutted. New drywall, paint, carpet, trim. Everything is being redone. Oh AND the kitchen will be remodeled at the same time. Nothing like adding a little stress to my life huh? At least it will finally be done. We have been discussing this for a couple years now and just keep putting it off. I guess the Bump was motivation for Joel, and made him realize we don't have a whole lot of time to waste here. Hopefully it doesn't take TOO long.

Hockey247 February 24th, 2013 02:40 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
I am really praying and rooting for you. I am so glad I am not the only one talking to my baby bean. When going off the pill its so hard to pinpoint ovulation unless you were charting etc. I've btdt, mine was a ntnp pregnancy so I have no idea where I am either. I am just going by my ticker which calculated my lp, length of cycle and day of lmp (all these things I know by heart)

Wishing you the best and hope to get to know you more.

Did you get a beta drawn?

jennyrae03 February 24th, 2013 03:06 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
No I'm not sure why there never did a blood draw. I assume maybe they were going to at my confirmation appointment but then I had to go in for an ultrasound early so now I don't know if they will?

Thanks for thinking of me. I'm always around if you need to chat. It's nice to have somebody to talk to, especially when you're both in the same predicament!

Hockey247 February 24th, 2013 03:14 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
I'm also not to thrilled with the way I am being handled at my OB. I am just surprised that they would say that is the smallest sac I have ever seen if they have no idea what your numbers are and what they should be seeing at all. I wouldn't stress to much for several reasons, 1- you have no idea how far along you are. 2- the fact that they saw anything is a great sign. 3- everything seems to be progressing normal.

I'm also here if you want to chat. I love the support you get from this site and have made life long friends from it. I started a journal but its crazy rambling. Currently I am obsessing over my progression of HPT's. Sigh.... I pray I get to an u/s an they see something :fingerscrossed:

By the way my name is Samantha, everyone calls me Sam. I'll get a siggy as soon as I get some good news this week.

jennyrae03 February 24th, 2013 03:36 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Nice to meet you Sam :) I wouldn't worry too much abojt your HPTs. I took several the first week I found out and they were pretty light and didn't have any real progression. I took one yesterday just for fun and it turned dark right away. I think it depends too on how much dye they put in the test. Some don't seem to have as much as others, even of the same brand!

I'm trying really hard to just relax and not stress. I realized that if something is wrong, there isn't anything I can do to fix it. It is in God's hands, so I just have to wait and see!

slmehaffey February 24th, 2013 07:20 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Hi! I first off have to say thanks for sharing your wedding pictures... 1. I LOVE your hair peice! 2. the flower girls huge flowers are the cutest things I've ever seen in my life and I so wish I'd thought of it myself. 3. your bridesmaid dresses match the one I wore in a wedding in September only it was green and not yellow.

As for pregnancy, I bet your baby is just fine! I worry about mine too... read my journal and you'll see why, I named it really rediculously cause I was way too tired when I wrote it and now I wish I could re-name it.
Anyway, I had an ectopic loss back in Jan. of last year, and at first I was just totally feeling blessed by this pregnancy, but now I fluxuate between worry and blessed feelings. apparently having a previous ectopic pregnancy means I have a 12% chance of another one... I know that isn't big, but I only had a .02% chance of a prolapsed cord with my daughter and it happened...
I don't mean to thread jack, I just mostly wanted to say that worry is normal and you really can't save yourself from feeling the loss if you do lose it... talk to your baby, and let yourself love it, even if you loss it (which I don't think you will) you will have given it the best you could while you had it... that is the way I see it anyway.. and I touch my belly and say "hi baby" in quiet moments, I love talking to my babies in utero.
and thanks again for sharing your wedding pics! they were beautiful.

jennyrae03 February 25th, 2013 06:55 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Don't worry, you're not thread jacking! I like knowing that somebody is reading and can offer me some advice or a little moral support when I'm feeling crummy. I'm sorry to hear that you have had troubles too - I'll definitely read your journal and get caught up on your story :) I am feeling a little more secure in this pregnancy the last couple days. I have noticed just minor changes, but enough to let me know that there is still something inside of me. Feeling a little nauseous, and breasts are getting more tender (sorry for the TMI). I keep feeling worried because I've really been having no symptoms - that's not good for a paranoid freak like me! lol

I'll be thinking of you and hopefully everything turns out great for all of us!

And the wedding...thank you Pinterest! ha! Seriously, a ton of the stuff that we had was from Pinterest ideas. The lady who did our decorations is a friend of the family and she is crazy crafty. So I just showed her ideas of things that I liked, and she made them happen. I don't know if there are pictures of them, but we also had HUGE tissue paper flowers (I'm talking like 6 feet tall). They were awesome! I still have them, in hopes that if I have a little girl I can use them as decoration in her room!

slmehaffey February 25th, 2013 07:52 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Oh I totally love the idea of using the tissue paper flowers in your daughter's room! I didn't see them in the pictures, but I admittantly didn't look at all of them, I was trying to do some work on the computer and felt guilty for looking at wedding pictures instead of preparing my class for Friday.

I painted my daughter's room with five foot tall flowers all over the walls and hung these foamy like butterflies I got from the dollar store from the ceiling, it was the most beautiful nursery ever and I know she would have loved it as a child too but we moved and it was a lot of work for a place we only rented so I'm waiting until we have a forever home to paint another room for her.

Hockey247 February 26th, 2013 08:38 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Just stopping by to say hi. I hope all is well. I forgot to mention that your wedding pics were amazing. I love the flower idea too.

jennyrae03 February 27th, 2013 07:17 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Thanks Sam!!

Everything is okay here, I think. I've started getting nauseous. Never to the point of throwing up, but I wake up just feeling crummy, and then usually feel crummy again in the afternoon, and then again in the evening! Eating seems to help. Also, I've really begun to start noticing smells. Yesterday I was cooking my husband bbq chicken and the smell of it was making me nauseous. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good - still don't really feel pregnant. :shrugs:

Hockey247 February 27th, 2013 10:15 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Yeah, I really don't feel much of anything either. I definitely notice smells and I did gag a little this morning brushing my teeth.

Other than that I am OK too don't really feel much. I hope not feeling much works out for both of us!!!

slmehaffey February 27th, 2013 08:33 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
This is your first pregnancy right? both of you? It is pretty common not to have symptoms until around 7-8 weeks or later. In susequent pregnancies it happens faster.

I bet everything is going well for all of us!
--Samantha--

jennyrae03 February 28th, 2013 05:47 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
This is my third pregnancy. I have had two miscarriages several years ago. One was at barely 5 weeks and the other was around 7 weeks. Both of those I had really bad morning sickness. So far I have just had mild bouts of nausea with this one. I feel like miscarrying previously was a sign from God that I wasn't ready for a child. This time, I KNOW I am ready. I hope He knows too. Crossing my fingers that this one sticks :)

slmehaffey February 28th, 2013 12:28 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
I'm sorry Jennyrae03 I did know that... well not all of it but that you had two miscarriages, I just forgot cause I read so many people's stories.

And I'm sorry about your loses, but hopefully that peace of God will help you to keep calm about the lack of morning sickness... I'd currently give you mine if I could. three days I've been fighting it back and not much is helping.

jennyrae03 March 1st, 2013 11:32 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Thanks so much for checking in and offering your support! I still haven't had any vomiting, but am definitely feeling more nauseous each day. Today I really felt terrible, but I do okay after I eat. Except now I want a nap :)

I'm getting pretty excited for my ultrasound on March 5. I'm nervous and worried, of course, but I have a feeling that this pregnancy is going to work out. I don't know why, I just all of a sudden am feeling really calm and confident about this pregnancy. It's weird. A few days ago I was stressing out and fretting over everything, and now I'm just kind of "zen" with it all.

jennyrae03 March 3rd, 2013 06:51 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
*blech* I definitely think the morning sickness is kicking in. Well not the vomiting still, but the nausea. Oh my goodness, I have been feeling awful these past couple days. I wake up feeling like I'm going to throw up, and it pretty much sticks around all day. I have yet to actually vomit, so that's good (I think). I do feel better when I eat something so I try to eat every couple of hours. Nothing sounds good though - I stood in the kitchen yesterday trying to figure out what to make for lunch and NOTHING looked appealing. I ended up making macaroni and cheese. Go figure.

Breasts are still very tender, mostly on the outer part, surprisingly. They seem firmer as well. Don't think they're growing, which saddens me. They could use a little boost!

I don't think I'm "showing" yet, but I feel like I can't suck in anymore. Or I'm getting fat from all the eating and not working out I have been doing! HA :) Probably both.

Ultrasound and appointment with the OB on Tuesday! Woo hoo!

slmehaffey March 3rd, 2013 05:21 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Well nausea is def. a symptom, so if you were hoping for some more symptoms you're getting them! How many weeks are you now? I'm still so excited for you! I hope you'll post pictures of your ultrasound when you have it!

DH claims he's tickling me lately but I suspect he is either excited about our new baby or else he thinks I'm getting fat and likes to play with it to tease me.... I really hope it is excitement and not teasing... but my point is I feel like I'm getting chubby too... eventually we'll have nice baby bumps instead of fluff.

jennyrae03 March 3rd, 2013 05:34 PM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Truthfully, I have no idea. I suspect by my ultrasound day, I will be at 7 weeks or around there? Since they think I ovulated late in my cycle, I can't really go off my LMP. So I will have an accurate EDD after my ultrasound! Thank goodness too. I really miss having a cute little ticker :P

And yes, the symptoms are definitely showing up. Having tons of heartburn today too.

I'm hoping any weight I gain goes to my butt lol...it could use a little oomph!

jennyrae03 March 5th, 2013 08:41 AM

Re: Dear "Bump"...
 
Had the ultrasound this morning. I was soooo nervous. Joel told me on the way there that he had been praying for our baby, which made me tear up a little because I don't usually think about that side of him - it was really endearing :)

Anyway, the appointment went great. The doctor said I am measuring 6 weeks and 1 day, so I must have had a really strange cycle. He said that it is totally normal to have ovulated late, and that everything looks perfect. We got to hear the heartbeat too, which was 110 bpm. He said that is normal for 6 weeks. He also mentioned that at 6 weeks, and once we have heard the heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage is only 4-6%. It is still possible, of course, but I feel loads better. So I will continue praying and talking to the Bump, giving it encouragement :)

I'm so thankful that we had a good appointment. The next few weeks will be a little stressful, but I have faith that everything will be okay and we will have a growing little baby at the next ultrasound!


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