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-   -   I'm scared, I'm new here, I'm a mess, & I don't know if I can handle this. (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/1073546-i-m-scared-i-m-new-here-i-m-mess-and-i-don-t-know-if-i-can-handle.html)

follesurtoi May 20th, 2008 06:34 AM

WARNING: well I don't know if I should warn or not cause nothing is happening yet, but read with caution to be safe.

I'm an emotional wreck. Got a BFP 5/13, line continued to get darker through 5/17, so I posted a pic and moved to January DDC board. Last period was 4/15 so that makes me about 5 weeks. Noticed temp plummeted 5/19, so I took a test and got only a very faint line, fainter than two days prior. So I rushed into the doc, who is starting me on betas; had first draw for that and progesterone yesterday, and I go back tomorrow for 2nd draw. I've had multiple losses, and the worst thing in the world for me is to be alone, but I feel so so terrible physically I can't do anything but be here. I'm still very fragile with my losses cause I'm in the middle of grieving one upcoming angelversary in June, and here I sit, a year later, going through betas just like with the last one. I cry constantly, I can't sleep, terrible headache and terrible chest pains from stress, and my nerves are shot.

Nothing is happening physically. No - er - "signs" of impending "anything". I'm such a wreck, and I hate not knowing. I hope this all doesn't mean anything and that everything is okay, but I can't help being scared. I know I am pregnant, the only question is how is the baby, and what are my chances. Is there any hope at all. I'm done venting - thank you for listening. I know only time will tell but for the time being I have fallen apart at the prospect of this not working out the way we hoped.

kalis May 20th, 2008 06:48 AM

oh sweetie,... i am sorry you are feeling so stressed and upset. i can understand, after multiple losses myself, i always felt like i was waiting for the loss to happen. i hope you can try to relax a little bit (which i know is easier said than done), maybe until you get your beta results back & then go from there.
i try to tell myself that it is best to be thankful and appreciate each day i have being pregnant. it doesn't make myself not scared, but it helps me feel good about each day with my baby.
also, if you want a success story- i had four first trimester miscarriages before i got pregnant with this little girl- i am now 27 weeks along!

just know we are here for you and i will pray for good beta #s for you. stick baby stick!

keekopeeko May 20th, 2008 07:17 AM

awww sweetie... taht really is such a hard situation to be in.. im so sorry for your losses.. and the fact that this pregnancy is stressing you out... I really hope it turns out wonderfully for you.

~Em

Sabina May 20th, 2008 08:21 AM

:dothug: What where you 1st betas?

heatherrose415 May 20th, 2008 08:26 AM

:dothug: I am so sorry for your previous losses. pregnacy after loss is one of the scariest things!! We are all here for you, vent any time!!

and I know even the same brand HPT can give you different line results, so try and stay positive that this baby is sticky!! please let us know how the betas go, I pray they are more than doubling!!!

follesurtoi May 20th, 2008 08:37 AM

I don't have my first betas yet.... first draw was yesterday, and 2nd will be Wed, i hope to get yesterday's #'s in today though. What tells me that the rule of "it doesn't matter how dark the line is" is I tested negative at the doctor's office. but that same morning with FMU on a FRER that's when I got the faint line, so the doc was going from those tests (I brought Saturday's test and Monday's test with me and showed her what I was talking about and why I was worried), and that's when she ordered the betas to be done, despite their test being negative. i told her the reason why there was no line on their test but there was on mine, was cause mine was done with FMU. So I'm waiting.

Thank you all for your replies... I am relying on them so heavily right now. I am home alone, DF is at work. He was able to be here with me yesterday which helped tremendously, but last night I had nightmares of bleeding and - well, I won't mention, but needless to say I'm proof positive that no matter how much you try to keep yourself calm, it always comes out in your dreams anyway. I really hope everything is okay, and turns out okay. I will be testing tomorrow morning but I don't have any more FRERs left. It was weird....Monday morning I tested with FMU on both a FRER and an internet cheapie....IC said negative, faint line on FRER, go figure. I will definitely post any news as I have it. I feel more understood and welcome here on this board, and I really appreciate you being here for me. It's a cruel trick, those darned lines and temps. I read in another post that it would be nice if we all had cams on our uterus' all the time..... so so true.

Eleysia May 20th, 2008 09:08 AM

Im sorry that you are going through all of this right now. I hope for a good outcome and you will be in my T&P. Please kup on whats happening and ill check back in for updates for sure. :dothug:

kalis May 20th, 2008 09:33 AM

it is good they are checking your progesterone too. sounds like your doctor is being proactive.
it would be so nice if we could all just peek in our bellies to see what is going on whenever we are feeling upset or nervous.
hope you get your numbers back soon so you can get some reassurance.

Mum2three May 20th, 2008 10:16 AM

im sorry that your going through this. a pregnancy should be stress free and happy. but when you have had losses it makes the pregnancy a bit more tougher. We are all here for you..

I hope everything works out for you..

Christal May 20th, 2008 10:40 AM

WOW I am so sorry you are so stressed out. I think we all understand where you are comming from. When I was testing to see if I was preggers I was having the same thing some were light some were dark. Then I went to get the one from the Dr. office done and after 5 mins she had to hold it up to the light to accually see both lines. Of course that had me scared that somthing wasnt right. I can honestly say that there is not a day that goes by that I dont worry about somthing and I am pretty sure that will last until the day I am holding my baby in my arms. I guess what helps me through it is telling myself that stressing out is bad for the baby. And no matter what happens I am thankful to God for everyday I get to have with him. I hope your tests come back good and I will be praying for you and your bean.

angelmomjen May 20th, 2008 11:06 AM

Im so sorry, I wish I had the answers to make you feel better...but the only answers I do have is with all your heart belive, believe that this is the one that stays here, believe that your heart will be fullfilled and joy will be yours. I see how hard it is to do that, but the stress you feel isnt going to get you any where. I am the queen of freak outs...and each time I freak out, it was a waste of my time...so Im sending ya many hugs, and many many prayers and so much babydust!!!
xoxox
Jen

dee68 May 20th, 2008 11:07 AM

first hon, let me welcome you to the board.

We know how scary pregnancy after a loss can be....the ladies here are a tremendous source of comfort and strength during the entire " what if?" ....is this normal? what are my numbers? process......

I am so happy you found us here and posted. I truly hope the best for you....please keep us updated when you can and know that we are all here for you !!!



~BIG HUGS~
Dee

follesurtoi May 20th, 2008 11:47 AM

WARNING WARNING WARNING TMI POSSIBLE LOSS********************************************** *


I am bleeding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever so slight, it's mixed in with your "natural stuff", but it is like a watery red. Doc is at hospital so I had to leave message. I am cramping now too, I feel strange, but when I wiped again there was a tiny streak and nothing else. I might be saying goodbye. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Thank you all for being here for me, and if it changes I will let you know.

By the way, can any of you tell me if I possibly had a chemical pregnancy? Here are my "stats"
-LMP 4/15, ended 4/17
-Due for AF on 5/10, took FRER with FMU, it was negative
-Wed 5/13, took FRER with FMU, faint +
-Thurs 5/14, line slightly darker but still faint with FRER and FMU
-Sat 5/19, line slightly darker able to capture on camera, with FRER and FMU
-Mon, 5/21, line very very faint, used FRER with FMU

So what do you think?

hopenot4gotten May 20th, 2008 03:08 PM

Awe, sweetie....my m/c was a peach color at first...BUT with this one I bled for two weeks straight starting at 5 weeks and ending at 7 weeks...I 'knew' I was miscarrying, not so....

I want to be encouraging and lift you up, but I also don't want to hand out false hopes, either.

Try so hard to hang in there until you have a diagnosis. Im praying for you....

Stacey

Eleysia May 20th, 2008 03:22 PM

Id say that if youre not bleeding activly, just a tiny bit when you wipe you are probably still ok. How far are you? implantation finishes in the 5th week so it might be residual.

also on your stats, pg tests of the same brand even the ones in the same boxes have different sensitivities, and since all of them were pretty faint it sounds like, i dont know if it was a chem pg, or if your bean is just a slow starter. Please kup. sending T&P your way hun :dothug:

I also wanted to add, cramping is a normal part of the first trimester. it is not supposed to be accompanied by blood, but it sounds like youre just spotting right?

hopenot4gotten May 20th, 2008 03:31 PM

Quote:

Id say that if youre not bleeding activly, just a tiny bit when you wipe you are probably still ok. How far are you? implantation finishes in the 5th week so it might be residual.

also on your stats, pg tests of the same brand even the ones in the same boxes have different sensitivities, and since all of them were pretty faint it sounds like, i dont know if it was a chem pg, or if your bean is just a slow starter. Please kup. sending T&P your way hun :dothug:

I also wanted to add, cramping is a normal part of the first trimester. it is not supposed to be accompanied by blood, but it sounds like youre just spotting right?[/b]
That's a good point about the tests..then I thought of this too....Not only the sensitivity to the tests, but the other thing to keep in mind is that different tests have different AMOUNTS of dye, too. Some don't have as much as others....


follesurtoi May 20th, 2008 05:01 PM

girls I wish you were right, but - I don't know how else to say this so sorry for tmi - I "feel it bubbling out" down there, but it's mostly brown, but a minute ago there was a tinge of bright red. If I didn't have that fading line to nothingness, I'd still have hope, but I've never heard of hcg going down, before going up.

By the way, if I slightly "bear down" just a little, like you do when you - er - well, you know, it's more evident that my cervix is open; I can feel it. I'll still test, but I might wait a few days to let it build up; that way, if I am still pg, I will see a positive.

I never heard back from the doctor, and I'm supposed to go in for a 2nd beta tomorrow morning, should I still go or not? She was at the hospital so she likely never made it back to the office. I think I should go anyway, what do you think?

victorialv May 20th, 2008 07:43 PM

Sorry I am late to this thread, and I am really sorry you are going through all of this. But, as to your questions about getting the 2nd test, I absolutely would. You never know what's really going on. I really hope it is not what you think sweetie, I will be thinking of you. Please KUP.

follesurtoi May 21st, 2008 06:10 AM

I'm not going.

There is no way, after seeing the kinda flow I'm seeing, that I am pg anymore.

I'm not going to put myself through that. I wasn't seeing that before I went to bed last night, so I was like, I'm going in. But now, now it's very very unmistakenly a m/c, cause with what I've lost no way a baby can still be in there.... I refuse to go to the pregnancy loss board cause I am still mourning Gracie and that would be such a trigger, so I'm just going to work, I haven't been in like two days, and I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back.

I wish I'd never gotten my hopes up. I don't see how you girls do it, I really don't. It's so heartbreaking, yet you all are so strong, and I'm so weak. I've had multiple losses, and no matter how early, each one was conceived with hope and a "maybe this is it, please let it be" And here I am, pregnant for what seemed like days, then it's ripped from me. I'll stop rambling, I need to go anyway. It's all just so cruel. We want babies more than ever, but Mother NAture laughs in our faces, and teases us. Alright I will really stop now. I'm just hurt and angry and very upset. I'm sorry.

I wish you all have a H&H nine months girls, and I will definitely keep you all in my T&P.

heatherrose415 May 21st, 2008 07:01 AM

sweetie I am soooooo sorry and wish I could reach out and give you a big HUG IRL!!!

You are strong, please do not think that you are weak, you are not weak. I wish you havent had any loss at all, let alone several :( im so sorry. I hope your dr. does ALOT more testing to find out why youare losing your babies, you WILL have a baby to hold someday!!!

((HUGS))


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