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-   -   A bit of a vent (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/1515170-bit-vent.html)

IAMommy April 10th, 2009 07:14 AM

A bit of a vent
 
I have really been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I think that it is a combination of a lot of things. This is the month last year that everything went terribly bad with Isaac and Avery's pregnancy. The downward spiral happened so fast, I hardly had time to breathe from one bad finding to another. I keep waiting for the ball to drop with this pg too....in a way is seem strange that this pg has gone so smoothly so far.

Also, I'm starting to get nervous about being a Mom in general. I have always been a bit cocky in thinking that I would be this great super mom. Now I'm not so sure. I keep having these dreams where I just leave the baby in weird places. The baby is always very small like Isaac was, and I will leave the baby is the shower and forget about it for a while, or I will leave the house without the baby, and scenarios like that. I always feel horrible after one of those dreams, and I wake-up in a panic. I wish those dreams would just go away.

I am also 30 years old, and DH and I have a very comfortable life together. I am scared that being parents is totally going to throw us out of sync, and I am scared of loosing that closeness. I am also scared of loosing myself. I know I will love this lo, and change can also be a good thing, but in some ways, I'm worried I won't be able to handle the challenge.

I have just been feeling very overwhelmed lately, and my emotions are out the roof. I feel completely out of control.

Hope you don't mind the vent...I think I just need to get it out.

rhyssa April 10th, 2009 07:30 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Hi Iamommy,
i understand the feeling of , oh my what did i do trying to become a mommy very well. I had the same feelings before having my ds. He's now two and a handful.
But seriously, i believe that -when it comes to your kids at least- yuo can only take one day at a time.
Iam sure that you will not forget your lo anywhere once he's here.
To tell you a funny story though, after having ds on the day we were going home, i packed my bags at the hospital, made sure i did not forget anything, and then sat down to watch a wee bit more on the telly.
Then i checked again to make sure i had not forgotten anything, i stood in the door looked around the room and thought: yep, got everything...
Thats when my son moved in his bassinette, and my first thought was : Oh yeah, i guess i have to take you too.... lol
I can't help but grin about that now, it's the one and only time i almost forgot the most important part in my life...
As for the closeness with dh, i found that ds has brought us closer, because he's so important to both of us.
If you are really worried about the closeness with dh, talk to him about it, i find that whenever i feel unsure about things my dh can put a different outlook on things.

i also understand about loosing yourself,
i take time for myself, at leats once or twice a month, it can be as simple as reading a book while dh looks after ds, or going for a pedicure.
Something where iam not on call as mommy.
It helps with feeling like i look after myself.
Sorry this is so long, i just wanted you to know you are not alone!
I do hope this helped a little!

~Laurie~ April 10th, 2009 07:35 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Normal, normal, normal! I have always had those kinds of dreams when I was pregnant. I had a very vivid dream when I was pregnant with Eva, and in it I had the bottle and formula, but no nipples. I ran from store to store, but I couldn't find nipples anywhere. The panic is normal. I felt that each time, too. Even now, I am wondering if I can handle two. You will be fine. You will adapt, and before you know it, you won't even be able to remember what it was like before you had your baby. Any other life would just be freaky and wrong...lol. As for the worry about something going wrong? I'm no expert, but I think that's normal, too. Every time I start to get exited, I berate myself for getting ahead of myself. I hope you feel better soon, Sam.

mara April 10th, 2009 07:51 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
I had a dream just like that a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I kept forgetting that we had a baby and leaving the baby places. Everytime we would race home and the baby would be fine...
I know what you mean about starting to feel some anxiety about becoming a mama. I think that I have been so consumed with just staying pregnant I have had a hard time believing that this is really going to happen and that I am going to end up with a real live baby out of it. Lately it is seeming like this is more and more the likely scenerio- LOL. The reality of it is really exciting but also kind of scary.
I was just reading in my Birthing From Within book (a great book by the way) about how having a baby can affect a couple's relationship negatively..in fact according to the book anyway a new baby only affects about 20% of couples positively, the rest are either affected negatively or not affected. The book suggests that you and your DH both identify five problems or possible fights you see as possibilities after the birth of baby and work on coming up with possible solutions now so that when/if it actually comes up you have already thought about some solutions. It can also make you feel better about the relationship because you are talking about your wories openly as a couple. My DH and I did this and it really helped me feel better about our ability to do this together and to allow the birth of our baby to improve our relationship.

sorry, i just wrote a book!

L-SBB April 10th, 2009 07:57 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Sam - i haven't been where you are (yet) but all the fears you expressed sound totally normal to me....having a baby is probably the single biggest change you can experience in your life, so it's totally expected that you'd be nervous and fearful about it. I just wanted to give you BIG HUGS - i know you're not alone in this, probably every BTDT mom on here is going to tell you they had all the same fears...it'll be ok and when the baby is born you'll fall into a routine that will become your new "normal" in no time. You'll be a great mom - never doubt that! Look at everything you've done and sacrificed to bring your little miracle into this world. HUGS!

..Red.. April 10th, 2009 08:15 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
And Sam, I don't think you will be a "great, super mom" I think you will be a Super Great Mom! You will love this LO for three. You know you will. And you and your husband will have a wonderful thing to be close about. Some of it will be out of sadness, but also out of success. It will come. It may seem far away some days, but I think that is how it always is. Trust me, my step-kids bring my DH and I together and sometimes they are the reason we bicker. But it just means you have a better reference for when things are great!

klt April 10th, 2009 09:34 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Oh, those dreams are totally normal. When I was PG with Joey, I had a dream that I left him in his baby carrier/car seat on the roof of my car and drove away! I also had dreams that I'd forget him at home. And, then for the rest of my dream I was trying to get to him, but couldn't find my way home. He's now 13 and I think sometimes he wishes we'd leave him home alone :p

I also had a dream that I gave birth to a little white girl kitten! They say that that is totally normal, too. I still feel crazy admitting that one. But, I'd never been a mom. I think having pets was all that I knew. Hmmmm....don't want to analyze that one.

And, when you find out how well you can handle this, and how much you love your little one. It's not over! The second you think about having another one? The dreams and thoughts become " I can never love another baby as much as I love THIS one..." Just so you know...you absolutely can, without any effort!

You won't lose yourself. You'll add "mom" to who you are. And, in my opinion, there's nothing better. Take care and know that your worries will slowly disappear as you and your DH become used to your new roles. thinking of you :) You're going to be awesome parents!

IAMommy April 11th, 2009 06:14 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
You guys are so great....It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone in these feelings.

and Mara...I think you are just right when you said "know what you mean about starting to feel some anxiety about becoming a mama. I think that I have been so consumed with just staying pregnant I have had a hard time believing that this is really going to happen and that I am going to end up with a real live baby out of it. Lately it is seeming like this is more and more the likely scenario"

I have been so consumed with getting pregnant, and the anxiety of having a healthy pg, that I don't think I have spent a lot of time thinking about after the baby gets here. It was just a little too hard and abstract for me. I think it has to do with something quite a bit of ppl here talk about.....the connection they feel with their lo. For me that connection still hasn't 100% taken place. I'm a lot more connected than what I was at the beginning, but after soo many years of yearning to be pregnant, and watching my family and friends have their children, and then loosing Isaac and Avery, it seem so surreal that I could really and truly be a mamma soon. I am crying as I am writing this. (a little hormonal I guess).

rhyssa April 11th, 2009 06:29 AM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Oh,sweetie ,
I understand how you feel.
While i have not gone through what you have i did loose 2 lo's last year back to back.And with this one iam finding myself keeping my distance because iam scared of loosing this one as well.
I think the connection that so many talk about, forms a a different rate for everyone.
Some might feel it immediatly, and others might take the entire 9 mths, or longer.
It does not mean that you will love your lo any less....
It took some time for me to realize that i was indeed going to be a mum, and to this day it still hits me at times. Especially when someone says :" Go see your Mum." to Gareth.
And he comes to see me!!!!

As for the crying, you go ahead and do as much or as little as you need, we're all here to listen and support you!
Have a very happy easter!
Bine

Enchanted Mumma April 11th, 2009 02:51 PM

Re: A bit of a vent
 
Oh Hun...I had those same dreams when I was pregnant with Taeleigh. They are horrible and so scary! I still have them now every now and again. They are horrible.
Feeling anxiety at this stage is so normal. There is so much coming up and it can feel like it happening way to fast for you to get your head around.
Does having a baby change your life...yes it does and it can take time to get used to. There is nothing wrong with being anxious or scared about it. I used to do a lot of relaxation exercises in my 3rd Trimester...it used to help a lot and I felt like I gained back some control. Maybe you can give some a try...I find isometric relaxation to be the best.


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