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-   -   Need advice! Off topic... (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2620773-need-advice-off-topic.html)

kaylakay January 31st, 2013 11:40 PM

Need advice! Off topic...
 
Hey girls!

So I really need some advice... and I'm totally embarrassed and please don't judge me about it. I've tried talking to close friends but not a lot of them are married so its hard for them to relate.

My marriage sucks. It just sucks. We never spend time together. If my DH is not at work or school he's home sitting on his butt playing video games. I have to tell him to do things over and over. If it weren't for me our daughter would never get taken care of. We don't talk. We don't kiss. I have no urge to kiss or DTD with him. We have DTD only 3 times in 10 months. We are living two completely normal lives.

Is it over? I think about divorce all the time.

I don't want to break up my family and make things harder for Ava but I'm miserable.

Advice? Anything?

bcogoli February 1st, 2013 05:41 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
Im so sorry sweetie. Maybe try counceling. Having a new baby can be rough for everyone especially after a loss. I would definatly try counceling before making any decisions. Im sure this is so stressfull and scary for you. I wish i had more advice for you. I will keep you all in my prayers.

melissalaw February 1st, 2013 06:43 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I'm so sorry. I know for me right after our first child was born I felt like a distance develop between me and DH. I was so consumed with our child and I think I neglected him. Counseling would be really good for you guys. But also just talking and making an effort to do things together. I would try talking to him let him know that you would like him to spend some time with you instead of always playing video games.

DH and I try each night to spend atleast 15 minutes together on the couch each night talking a spending time with each other. I know that is not long but with 2 kids finding time alone is really hard. We also try to have a date day atleast once a month where we leave the kids with a sitter and go out and have some time for us. I would definitely try talking to him and letting him know how you are feeling and see if you can make it work through some changes.

If you go to church your pastor would be a great counselor to discuss your problems with. Thats who I go to when I need any sort of counseling. If talking to your DH doesn't work, I would try to talk to a counselor alone first and discuss your feelings then maybe approach couples counseling.

I hope you all are able to work it out. I know how hard divorce is for everybody involved.

missy123 February 1st, 2013 09:13 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
Marriage is hard. Even under the best circumstances it is hard.

When we first meet our mates you get all those butterfly feelings and the excitement is always there... the cuteness, endless phone calls, emails and text messages... The fun and joy and your whole heart feels like it will explode with happiness for this person always.

At points real life sets in and you look at that person and say "hey they changed"... We all change. At different points in our lives we change, we evolve into different people. Our thoughts and attitudes change.

Oh and the children? We love our children but at the same time it is a lot of work raising these cute bundles of joy. We would not trade it in but man it is a lot of work. You are exhausted, the guys just want to be guys and be kids themselves.

Ask yourself.... Do you still love him? Do you love who he is and you are just in a rut or can you see yourself on your own and happier? Remember... Marriage is hard and there are times when I think we have all wanted divorce or at least something different.

Like - what happened to those butterfly days?

xoxoxo

Pitridge February 1st, 2013 09:31 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I have been exactly where you are right now. Before you make any decisions talk to him. Maybe you all go for a walk and talk to him. Don't point fingers, don't tell him how he doesn't help, how he doesn't do anything. Tell him how nice it would be for him to help out, so that the two of you can have some time alone everyday. Don't make it all his fault.

ohnicole February 1st, 2013 11:20 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I think you have gotten some great advice, and a lot of us have been in a similar situation. There was a time when I was just so angry with my DH all the time because I felt like he just lived his life and didn't even care what went on with me and Eleanor. I think now that I look back on it, he just didn't feel like he knew what he was doing as a dad, he didn't know I needed help, and he just kind of stepped back.

I will admit, I did not handle it very patiently... I pretty much flat out told him that I needed him to want to be a part of our lives, to help out on his own and to be interested in us or I was going to get fed up fast. Things did get better after that, but I really don't think that's the best approach. I do think you should talk to him and find a way to really let him know how unhappy you have been and that you want to work together on a solution. :hug:

kaylakay February 1st, 2013 09:50 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
Thanks all for your advice ladies. Really. This is just a hard time I guess.

missy123 February 3rd, 2013 10:19 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
So you know... Most men will not just do things. I don't understand how their brain works so differently than ours but for the most part unless you say "Please take out the garbage, Please change the baby it just doesn't register in their brains that these things need to be done.

momof8lopez February 3rd, 2013 11:09 AM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I have btdt with divorce and a new marriage. The hardest part of life is keeping a good marriage....harder than raising kids, keeping a great job, and even family relationships. Shouldn't be, but it is.

In my first marriage, about 4yrs in to it and 2 kids later, we went to marriage counceling. It saved my marriage for another 6yrs...It taught us how to be intimate again and talk. I also went to personal counceling after the marriage counceling to work out deep routed anger against my DH. (ANOTHER STORY). I was married a total of 16yrs and had 4 children with him. In the end, I just never had that connection with him.....in a man/woman way. I wish I did not let it go that long, but with kids, you try your hardest.

With my new DH I too have the struggles of PP intimacy. But I know I want to be intimate with him, we just dont have the time. I would strongly suggest therapy to try and get to the root of your problems and go from there. Staying in a marriage just for the baby is not enough reason too, IMO. But I really think its the change in your family dynamics that has broke down the communication and intimacy. Family, friends, and even us, will not be able to get to the "real" problem. I think marriage counceling is excellent choice. Do it before you really start to resent him......praying you find that happiness again.

ashj_1218 February 3rd, 2013 12:35 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
Honestly, I think it's a common occurrence after the first child is born. Before they come along, things are split pretty 50-50. Someone does the dishes, someone cooks dinner, someone takes out the trash, etc. It feels that the balance is there and you are partners.

When baby gets here...all the sudden you added 500 tasks to your list and theirs....stayed the same?! Some men aren't like that, but I think far more often they are. And when there isn't talking about it going on, there is resentment building and that is enough to erode the marriage roots.

DH and I struggled a lot Liam's first year. Honestly, his second year was even "eh." But we are so much better now. And a lot of that is that I see a counselor (always have) and have learned to speak my mind so much better. It's not nagging, it's not being a witch-with-a-B...men need to be told "I don't enjoy having all of Ava's needs fall on me. You are capable of taking care of her just as well as I am and I need you to take on more."

I had it out with DH over Thanksgiving this year because he was slacking big time and everything was falling to me, again. And now we are good again. They just need a refresher course on the "expectations" of our partnership. But if you have access to counseling, I absolutely think its a good idea.

Marriage is hard, much harder when kids are in the picture. It takes lot of adjustments and like someone mentioned, we are constantly changing and needing to adapt to our new selves and our partners new self. It's HARD. I really do think that communication is key. Don't stay quiet and let it all fester. It will only make it worse.

Sending big hugs! I am not around here much lately, but had to stop and answer because I did think of a separation a lot toward the end of Liam's first year. But it was well worth staying with it. I remember now why I married him and have small snippets of that "giddy feeling" again that had all but disappeared.

tobi4 February 3rd, 2013 02:32 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I dont know how long this has been going on but I wanted to mention to you that men also suffer from post partum depression. To me it sounds like he is distancing himself, isolating himself and I think he could use some counselling, or at the very least maybe some St Johns Wort, which is a natural stabilizer and helps with depression.

L-SBB February 4th, 2013 01:18 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
i just wanted to give you a big HUG...counseling def. sounds like something that could help the situation. I do think both men & women are somewhat shellshocked when they become parents...nothing really prepares you for all of it, and when you couple it with sleep deprivation or just the upheaval to what was a good/normal routine it can definitely throw you for a loop. I hope you're able to find some solutions that get you guys closer & balance the workload too (((HUGS)))

humnck February 4th, 2013 02:45 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
I think you got some great advice here! I agree, staying married for children is not a good enough reason. Being a child whose mom thought that might be a good idea, I wished that my parents would separate, luckily, my mom finally decided that that was a good idea. My parents problems couldn't be fixed, but I do think that counseling is a great idea before jumping into divorce. I think children are enough of a reason to try to work things out.

Marriage is hard work! HUGS, I hope you and DH can talk things through and figure out what is best for your family!

Jessghetti February 4th, 2013 05:15 PM

Re: Need advice! Off topic...
 
Marriage isn't easy, it's important to keep talking, keep spending time together and DTD is very important! It bonds you and brings you closer, the best thing I can say is to make time and open up things best you can. Even if it is hard and you are busy - you have to tend to your marriage like you were your job or child or house.

Marriage is probably the hardest relationship you will ever have. If you had a great relationship before marriage/baby then you should be able to rekindle that.


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