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-   -   My sister in law had a miscarriage (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2667830-my-sister-law-had-miscarriage.html)

melissalaw July 25th, 2013 07:03 AM

My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
I just feel terrible. My sister in law is pregnant also and has been bleeding for the past week. They did an ultrasound last Friday and the baby looked ok but yesterday they did another one and now baby has no heartbeat. I'm not sure exactly how far along she was. I believe she was due a few weeks after me so I'm guessing she was around 7 or 8 week. She doesn't even know that we know that she was pregnant. My mother in law told DH but told him not to tell anybody. So now I have to pretend like I don't know that she had a m/c. I don't believe that she knows yet that we are pregnant. We haven't really told anybody, just kind of scared to start sharing our good news.

DH and I talked about it last night. I know if it were me I would be a little bit upset when I find out someone close to me is pregnant with a baby due right around the time mine was suppose to be due. I know how hard my pregnancy is going to be for her and I don't want to add to her pain. We are trying to decide when to tell them. We had planned on telling them around 12 weeks but now I'm not so sure. When do you ladies think we should tell them about our baby? I know she will be happy for us but I also know how hard it will be to hear about somebody else who is going to be having a baby when she lost hers. My best friend had a baby due a few weeks before the baby that we lost was due and I remember feeling jealous and upset. I would never have wished anything happen to my BF's baby but I just kept asking why she got to have her baby and I didn't. So I really don't want to make my sister in law feel that way.

Ame C July 25th, 2013 07:57 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
That's awful! I'm so terribly sorry for your SIL and the situation this puts you in. It's very sad when someone has to go through such heartbreak. I can't tell you when a good time to tell her about your pregnancy is, but maybe 16 weeks or so? Whenever you feel the time is right. I would give her some time to heal before saying anything, but you were already thinking the same thing.

Sending thoughts and prayers to your SIL and her hubby. :(

melissalaw July 25th, 2013 08:15 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Thanks Amy. I was thinking around that time. i definitely wanted to give her plenty of time to heal or heal as much as she can in the next few weeks. We are going on vacation at the end of August and I probably won't see her before that time so I thought I would maybe tell her when we got back which will be around 15 or 16 weeks. I just want to make sure that I tell her before I start showing. I don't want anybody else to tell her and I don't want to see her if I am showing before I have told her.

Ame C July 25th, 2013 08:25 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
That makes sense as far as not wanting to tell her after your already showing. 16 weeks might be pushing it then. I've looked like I have been showing for a while now but it was all bloat until now. Now my stomach is really hard and poking out more. It's getting to the point there I can't hide it.

Empty arms July 25th, 2013 08:36 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Wow, so sorry for her... I totally understand you. To this day I have trouble looking at kids that were born around my son, whose parents I know. it's not like we were friends, but now I have no contact w/them whatsoever.
It is a difficult situation... Yes, i guess you should wait for her to heal a little (we know it's just a little, but still), and then I guess you should be the one to tell her. I would also share with her what you went through when you had your loss. Just tell her what you felt seeing your friend pregnant, and tell her it is OK to feel like that.
Hugs!

humnck July 25th, 2013 09:18 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Melissa,

That is really tough. With my first loss, my sister and SIL were both pregnant, we all knew each other were pregnant. When I had my loss, it sucked, they were talking about their pregnancies and people were asking them questions and it really hurt. With my 2nd loss, my sister was pregnant again and she actually called me one day because she wanted to know if it was okay for her to bring her u/s to show my mom. I felt so badly that she actually thought she couldn't enjoy her pregnancy, but I was also touched that she thought enough to ask first. I loved seeing her u/s even though I was still hurting, but it meant a lot to me that she asked before rubbing it in.

I think telling her when you feel she is ready (which may never be until she gets pg again), when you do tell her, just let her know that you are okay with her feeling sad, that you know how she feels and you know how much it sucks to be on the other end. Unless of course you don't think she wanted you all to know that she was pregnant, then that really is a tough place. Maybe have DH tell them, does your MIL know you are pregnant?

EverydayJoy July 25th, 2013 09:48 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
I agree with what everyone said here, and also wanted to ask if you know her well enough to maybe extend your condolences even though you weren't supposed to know. It's gotta be hard for parents who don't share that they are pregnant and then lose the baby, because no one knows. If you two are friends I would say she might welcome your sympathy, especially since you went through it already, you know what *not* to say and how it can help to have someone to talk to.

I think waiting to tell her about your pregnancy is a good idea. You could just play it by ear.
So sad for her. :(

melissalaw July 25th, 2013 09:51 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Thanks Carey. My MIL does know we are pregnant but we asked her to please not tell anybody. I believe that this little guy is here to stay but I still get nervous so we keep it to ourselves until after the first trimester.

I'm going to talk to my MIL and see what she thinks. I don't know if my SIL wants us to know about the baby and the loss or not. I want her to know that I understand completely what she is going through and that I'm here if she wants to talk. I know I didn't have anybody to talk to after my loss so I think that she might like to talk about it sometime. I know for me I wasn't ready for awhile to talk about it but then when I was finally ready there was nobody IRL to talk to. That is one reason I'm so grateful for all of you ladies.

It's just a crappy situation. I wish so badly that she hadn't lost the baby. It was a surprise baby as they were done having babies so I don't know if she will try again or not. I know for me once I got pregnant and lost that baby, I had baby fever really bad and wanted so desparately to be pregnant again. DH thinks they will feel the same way and try to have another baby.

I may have DH talk to his brother first and let him know about the baby and then I'll talk to my SIL. Just don't know what I'll do. I do know I'm definitely going to wait as long as possible to give her time to grieve but I won't be able to wait too long because I'll be showing soon.

humnck July 25th, 2013 10:38 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Does she know that you have had a loss before? If not, maybe have your MIL mention that to her or BIL and let them know that you are there if she wants to talk about it?

melissalaw July 25th, 2013 10:54 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Yes she does know about our loss. So hopefully she will know that if she needs to talk that I am here to talk to her. I'm going to talk to my MIL this afternoon and see what she thinks is the best thing to do.

humnck July 25th, 2013 11:05 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Good luck!

melissalaw July 25th, 2013 12:26 PM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Thanks.

AnnaBonana July 25th, 2013 02:30 PM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
I'm so sorry for your SIL's loss. I like all your ideas and I'm sure she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

((Hugs))

BeckyBozeman July 25th, 2013 09:51 PM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
That's rough Melissa... and so sad not only for her but that there will be a bit of a damper on your pregnancy for a while with your family. If it was me, I'd be so grateful to have the person that was pregnant tell me in private before I even had a chance to wonder. I'd also love to hear them tell me that they understand that I couldn't be wholly happy for them right now and that if I needed to have some space for a while they wouldn't be offended and would totally understand. I guess I'd say tell her quietly and privately and then leave it up to her how much she hears or is involved after that. I know that right after my first loss it seemed like I was surrounded by pregnant women and babies and it was so hard at first. But then it was almost like it became healing and it helped me get outside of myself and my own pain. But yeah talking to those closest to her about how they think she'd want things to go would probably be best...

Hugs that's such a hard situation...

melissalaw July 26th, 2013 07:07 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Thanks Becky.

My SIL did send me a message on facebook last night to tell me and DH about her loss. I told her I completely understood what she was going through and if she wanted to talk about it that I would be here for her.

I think DH and I have decided to have a cook out when we get back from vacation and let me tell her then. I'll be about 15 weeks so I should still be able to hide the fact that I'm pregnant until I am able to tell her. We just want to give her and DH's brother time to heal and grieve without shoving the fact that we are pregnant in their faces.

Thanks ladies for all your input. It helps so much to get others opinions.

humnck July 26th, 2013 01:32 PM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
I am glad that she reached out to you. I hope she finds some sort of peace in all of this:(

That sounds like a good plan, Melissa!

EverydayJoy July 26th, 2013 02:31 PM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
I'm glad she came to you, that makes it so much easier to reach out.
I think the BBQ idea is a good one.

lelila July 27th, 2013 08:48 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Melissa, we were in the same exact boat in March, but opposite. SIL and I were pregnant, due 2 days apart. I knew SIL was pregnant but she didn't know I was. I lost at 11 weeks. MIL told her about our loss right away. She never sent her condolences, never told us she was there for us or anything.

I think the best thing to do is be up front after a respectable period, but maybe in private. Ask her out for a coffee, just the two of you, and tell her where she can have some alone time afterwards. Tell her how sorry you are for her loss and how much you wish you both could have shared such a special time together.

Just my 2C but I really had a hard time with my SILs pregnancy this whole time. She's due in 7 weeks and honestly, I've been resentful. I'm glad you told her you were there for her, I think that will make a difference. I know I would have appreciated at least an acknowledgement from my SIL at some point.

melissalaw July 29th, 2013 08:26 AM

Re: My sister in law had a miscarriage
 
Thanks for sharing Leia. it is such a difficult situation for anybody to be in.


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