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-   -   Boundaries..... (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2667934-boundaries.html)

sandel07 July 25th, 2013 02:59 PM

Boundaries.....
 
I have a question and be honest.

Just before the 4th of July I said to my fiancée....I think your mom is great and I have never had any issues with her, but I hate it when she takes Ella out of my arms without asking to hold her or having her offered (and I do offer her to his mom). I then asked him not to say anything to her, I was just sharing my feeling. Well we went camping with his parents and sister and her family. The first night we were all sitting around the picnic table and his mom looked as if she couldn't stand me (she had always been very kind and friendly with me) ....So I knew that he said something to her, I later asked him if he had and of course he did tell her that it bothers me. Well the rest of the weekend she wouldn't even talk to me and of course wouldn't ask to hold Ella. Fast forward to this past weekend...we are at his sisters house for her bday, I made a point to stand right next to his mom with Ella. The entire time I was there she kept her back to me....then when I stepped in the house I passed Ella off to my fiancée, and I swear the minute I was out of sight he handed Ella off to his mom.

We have had a couple arguments about this and he just says that I need to work it out with his mother....now here is my question or 2 questions. A)am wrong to want someone to ask permission to hold my child, even if it is his mother? B) is it really my place to fix anything? How would I even start that conversation? I am not acting any differently and I certainly am not ignoring her.

EverydayJoy July 25th, 2013 03:12 PM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
I don't think I'd like someone coming up to me and taking my baby out of my arms, either, even if it was my MIL. Even my own mother will ask or wait for me to offer with my baby. She doesn't just come over and commandeer him when she's with me.
I don't think you should have to work it out with your MIL--it was your husband's fault she is hurt now. I think he has put you in a very awkward position and that's not fair to you. I don't have any suggestions, but I'm sorry it's like this!

geogeek July 25th, 2013 03:27 PM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
This exact same thing happened with DH's parents. It must be their personality, because it didn't seem to hinder them from asking and my biggest thing, giving her back when I asked for her. I guess it will take a conversation with her to set things straight.

momof8lopez July 25th, 2013 08:30 PM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
I must be getting old, lol, cause I see myself doing that to my own kids! I think its just some peoples personality and excitement that get in the way. Its wonderful she loves her grandbaby so very much, that part warms my heart. I guess at this point, just let her know how much you LOVE the fact that she adores her grandchild, and you WANT her to hold the baby as much as she want's to......but it just feels weird to have someone just GRAB the baby out of your arms like that. Let her know you would like to have some sort of warning, lol.....so you dont get freaked out next time! My feelings would not be hurt at all if my DIL said that to me, in fact, I'd totally respect her awesome mother instinct! Sounds like DH probably did not word it the right way, like most men would not, and she has only heard "my wife does not like you holding the baby". I would bet my last dollar on this!

AnnaBonana July 26th, 2013 03:07 AM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by momof6lopez (Post 27542600)
I must be getting old, lol, cause I see myself doing that to my own kids! I think its just some peoples personality and excitement that get in the way. Its wonderful she loves her grandbaby so very much, that part warms my heart. I guess at this point, just let her know how much you LOVE the fact that she adores her grandchild, and you WANT her to hold the baby as much as she want's to......but it just feels weird to have someone just GRAB the baby out of your arms like that. Let her know you would like to have some sort of warning, lol.....so you dont get freaked out next time! My feelings would not be hurt at all if my DIL said that to me, in fact, I'd totally respect her awesome mother instinct! Sounds like DH probably did not word it the right way, like most men would not, and she has only heard "my wife does not like you holding the baby". I would bet my last dollar on this!

I agree with this so much! How many times have we all told our DH's a simple message that gets confused or mixed up because he changes around the words!

MIL needs to know that it is not that she is holding the baby. It's that she's yanking with no warning!

I think you may have to call her and just tell her you think DH was confused ... And that of course you love her relationship with your LO, you're just not used to people taking the baby without a heads up.

Good luck! In law issues suck.... I've had my share, LOL.

Ame C July 26th, 2013 06:02 AM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
I agree with all of the above.

I also have my share of in-law drama and often wonder why are they so immature?? I don't think I will ever understand. Good luck with it!!!

Sunrise July 26th, 2013 06:05 AM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
I wouldn't like that either. And, I'd be clear with DH that I'm his partner not his mom :) then, once I've vented- I'd probably sit with him and her together to clarify.

Best of luck.

humnck July 26th, 2013 06:09 AM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
:ditto:

And I'm sorry you are having to deal with any of that!

melissalaw July 26th, 2013 06:12 AM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by momof6lopez (Post 27542600)
I must be getting old, lol, cause I see myself doing that to my own kids! I think its just some peoples personality and excitement that get in the way. Its wonderful she loves her grandbaby so very much, that part warms my heart. I guess at this point, just let her know how much you LOVE the fact that she adores her grandchild, and you WANT her to hold the baby as much as she want's to......but it just feels weird to have someone just GRAB the baby out of your arms like that. Let her know you would like to have some sort of warning, lol.....so you dont get freaked out next time! My feelings would not be hurt at all if my DIL said that to me, in fact, I'd totally respect her awesome mother instinct! Sounds like DH probably did not word it the right way, like most men would not, and she has only heard "my wife does not like you holding the baby". I would bet my last dollar on this!

Lori hit the nail on the head. I think this is great advice. This is what I would do. She is right your fiance' probably did not word it right.

sandel07 July 26th, 2013 07:56 PM

Re: Boundaries.....
 
Thanks everyone....as I much as I hate the thought of starting this conversation it looks like I once again will have to be the bigger person.


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