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-   Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/)
-   -   I'm back for round three. (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2670864-im-back-for-round-three.html)

lelila August 7th, 2013 05:14 PM

I'm back for round three.
 
Hi ladies. I know so many of you from TTCAL and from this board, where I've spent time twice before. Almost three weeks ago I got my positive. But I haven't said a peep on the TTCAL board and I haven't joined a DDC. Honestly, I don't even know my due date.

I had my betas drawn 13 dpo 379. 22 DPO 10697 - doubling every 45 hours. Progesterone was at 36 / 34 respectively.
I had my first appt and I sobbed the entire time. I told my ob I'm just waiting to lose this one. DH and I haven't even talked about this pregnancy. There's no joy in it. Only fear of another loss. Every trip to the restroom is like walking the plank. Every ligament pain sends me to Dr. Google. I'm nauseous 24 hours a day but if for 2 minutes I don't fee like vomiting, I panic. My c-sec scar is stretching already and I'm losing weight from nerves, yet I don't fit in any of my clothes anymore. But I refuse to wear maternity or bigger clothes - I don't want to jinx myself, so I'm living in pajamas right now, hoping it's bloat and it'll go away soon.

I know it doesn't end. I'll feel the anxiety every minute of every day until I deliver, and maybe even afterwards for a few decades. I turn 40 in a few weeks. I feel like this is our last chance and it's already been taken away from us.

I'm sorry I've carried on so long. I know you all have been through so much and I hope you all get that treasure at the end of the rainbow.

geogeek August 7th, 2013 06:17 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
:dothug: It is so hard to be pregnant after loss. I hope that you feel some ease later on as the pregnancy progresses.

EverydayJoy August 7th, 2013 06:44 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I'm so sorry. I did the same thing with my pregnancy with my rainbow baby, Kody. Almost all the first trimester, I was angry that I was still pregnant, because I was sure I was going to lose it, so I was mad it was taking so long and why couldn't my body just get it over with!!! It got easier after I could feel baby kicking around 20 weeks, because it was more of a constant reassurance that everything was ok. I still worried though. It sucks how having losses takes away all the joy from future pregnancies. I hope the time passes quickly for you, and congratulations on your BFP, even though you may not feel like being congratulated.
You're not alone. It's so hard going through all this. :hug:

AnnaBonana August 7th, 2013 07:05 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm feeling resentful because I'm truly hating being pregnant. And I want so badly to just enjoy it!

I hope you're able to find peace as time goes on. ((Hugs)) to you.

Sunrise August 7th, 2013 07:34 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I understand your words. I relate! I am anxious even day wondering if today is "the" day. I hope your nerves begin to calm. And that each passing day is easier for you. Lots of hugs.

Danielle.W August 7th, 2013 07:45 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I'm so sorry :( I'm having the same thing right now so I can totally relate :cry: it's terrible.

Ame C August 7th, 2013 08:13 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
It's a rough ride that's for sure, but all those feelings are normal. I'm still dealing with the day to day roller-coaster ride of pregnancy ups and downs myself. I'm really happy to see you here and hope this is your rainbow baby blessing! Wishing you a H&H 9 months :dust:

Eleanor-Abigail August 7th, 2013 09:14 PM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I'm so sorry you're struggling Lelila. :hug:

I have often thought that, if and when I get pregnant again, I will just have to begin/end each day with, "I am pregnant right now."

Can't we just go to sleep for 9 months and wake up w/ a baby smiling at us? :eek:

melissalaw August 8th, 2013 07:12 AM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
I am so sorry that you are waiting for the worst to happen. I do the same thing. For me once I got past my loss date things were a bit better. Even though I was still anxious the entire pregnancy, I was able to begin to enjoy my pregnancy a bit after I got out of the first trimester.

Do you have your first ultrasound scheduled yet? Hopefully after that you will start to feel less anxious.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

momof8lopez August 8th, 2013 07:50 AM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
Welcome back and congrats on what sounds like a very healthy pregnancy so far!!! I hear all your fears, your not alone. Im also an older mama, and know that clock sound all to well. I was 39 when I had my first rainbow in 2010, now Im 42 with my 4th rainbow on the way since then. Praying for a long beautiful stay with us here and can't wait to see your updates!

lelila August 8th, 2013 08:55 AM

Re: I'm back for round three.
 
Thanks ladies, for the warm welcome back and the encouraging words. I do have an U/S scheduled for a week from today. I think I'll be 7.5 weeks by then. I'm not sure.

My body sure feels pregnant, just not my head. I know alot of people say it gets better after you see the heartbeat. Unfortunately, we were part of that 1% last time. Seeing the heartbeat gives me no confidence, only makes it worse. I know it sounds horrible, but if this isn't going to last, I'd much rather it end now, before the heartbeat than after I see it. I hate myself for saying that.

If DH knew I said such things, he'd scream at me.

Lori, I'm so excited for you! 4 Rainbows! Congratulations! I've been following your story for years and you are a true inspiration. All you ladies are and you have so much strength in you. I admire you all!


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