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-   -   Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f133-pregnancy-and-motherhood-after-loss/2685671-post-partum-blues-post-tramatic-stress-disorder.html)

momof8lopez October 14th, 2013 07:18 AM

Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Im really not feeling myself. I always get PP depression to a degree, where I'm edgy, stressed out, sad...so on, and so on. This time though I'm really out of it. I keep reliving my birth experience, almost dieing, almost loosing my baby, all the blood, etc. I look at him and ask myself "why was I spared?, Why was my baby spared?". Then, for the life of me, I keep seeing dh sitting in the back of the room, just staring at me but not at my side. Why was he not freaking out more? Why was he so calm? He says he was by my side the whole time, but I only remember nurses and dr's shouting at me. He says I was in a weird tunnel where the nurses had to actually get in my face to get eye contact with me. I felt before the delivery that DH was a bit cold......I know he has been stressed out due to our finances and such, not as much as me of course, but he handles things differently than me. I scream, shout, get pissed and all he does is hold it in and NEVER lets it out. I mean, NEVER. I asked him to give me his version of the birth experience, to open up about his fears and what he witnessed. He tells me all the horrible things that happened, but its like from a third person point of view. IDK, if its my hormones or what, but I want more. I want him to feel what I feel. Maybe he does, but he's not even close to showing it.

My body to me is horrifying. My stomache is so miss shaped, so disquesting.(msp). I've never looked like this PP. This c-sect has me all messed up. I told him this morning I will never have sex again without being fully clothed, lol. I already have issues because of my double mastectomy where I don't take my shirt off, now I can't even look at myself naked, let alone him. Feeling really insecure, depressed, so many things at once. This is not how I invisioned my last baby being born, I don't know how to process this at all. Any advice?

humnck October 14th, 2013 07:55 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
I am so sorry that you are going through all of that. I would talk to your doctor, my guess is that it is definitely stemming from your traumatic experience, add on the post birth hormone imbalance, you could be suffering from both PTSD and PPD. You may need help from meds to try and balance you back out.

He may not be showing his emotion that you want because he didn't go through it himself, he was probably scared and just doesn't know or doesn't think he should show that. Maybe he is trying to protect you or thinks that it is better you don't know, I don't know, I hope you get out of him what it is you want.

I hope you find something to help. I can't imagine how scary that was and is. All I can offer are hugs!

lelila October 14th, 2013 07:58 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Oh Lori! You are going through so much! It is so completely overwhelming, I know! What a traumatic, unbelievable experience you had. PLEASE call your doc and talk to him/her. It's more than baby blues - you had an experience that most women don't have and you need to get it sorted out. And to have a c-sec too, now you are dealing with body / physical issues and pain on top of it all. You must be completely overwhelmed. Make sure you get rest, take your vitamins and drink extra juice for the nutrients. If you can, eat a bit of spinach and fresh fruit, those are good vitamins and will help you heal.

Remember, it's not a question of who is and who is not spared. There is no one out there picking and choosing. YOU made a good decision in going to the hospital when you did and YOU made good choices in staying there and getting a c-section. YOU helped save your own life and your baby's. YOU are a smart woman and a GREAT mom.

Call your doc and tell them how you feel. Make sure you have someone stop by each day to give you a hand with some stuff that the kids can't help you with. Remember to smile and get some hugs.

Let us know if you need a shoulder!

melissalaw October 14th, 2013 08:12 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Lori I'm so sorry about the traumatic experience that you went through. I think what you are feeling is what most of us would be going through if we had gone through the same experience. I would definitely call your dr and let them know how you are feeling. I agree with Cary that you might need some meds to help you deal with the PPD or PTSD.

Your husband is acting just like I think mine would. I know they tend to hold things inside and don't let us see their fear. I'm sure that he went through hell watching you and what was going on during your delivery. he probably doesn't even want to think about the fact that he almost lost you. All us deal with things differently but men tend to bottle things up.

As far as your body image, I believe that it will get better once your body starts to heal. Our baby scars are what make us women and make us more beautiful. I'm sure your husband loves you all the more after what you have put your body through for your babies.

Just know that we are here for you and I hope that you start feeling better soon. Just look at that beautiful face of that sweet baby boy everytime you feel down and hopefully that will put a smile on your face.

Boos Moo October 14th, 2013 08:54 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
I can't really offer any new advice, but do agree to call your doctor. And guys do tend to hold things inside. I think it's for fear of breaking down, they want to be our rocks and not the other way around.
Sending you hugs and prayers.

Ame C October 14th, 2013 11:18 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
After Clyde was born my husband disappeared for about 20-30 mins to cry. He didn't want me to see him like that, at his lowest. He said he screamed, cursed, punched the steering wheel of the car and cried. He maybe cried with me 2-3 times after that on separate occasions, but for the most part he held it together, way better than I was able to. I'm telling you this because I think it's in man's nature to be the "strong one". To keep composure even if they are crying out inside. I think they try to be strong for us, but little do they know us women want to see their vulnerable side. We want to see their emotions and that they are human too. It makes us feel like we aren't so crazy for being emotional roller coasters.

Your story really affected me Lori. I've had dreams about it and replay it in my head as well. It is a nightmare but could have ended so much worse. You and your baby boy really are so very lucky to be alive. I know how hormones go completely crazy after birth (that's totally normal by the way) so right now your not looking at the glass half full, but in a few months I know it will hit you and you will be so happy and all this PPD and distress with be a thing of the past. All of our hearts go out to you! You have already been through wayyyy more than could ever be considered fair! Take is easy, get help from family, cry if you need to, cuddle that sweet baby boy tight and don't be ashamed to get medicine from your doctor to stabilize your hormones. Many women need it, your not alone and we are always here for you if you need to scream and cry.

Your body will slim down and your scars will fade. You are stunningly gorgeous and so **** strong!! Hang in there mama!! :bighug:

EverydayJoy October 14th, 2013 05:35 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Lori, I definitely agree with what all the ladies have said. You have been through a horrific situation and even though it had a happy ending, you have all the emotional trauma to deal with now, on top of the regular PP hormones.
I'm sorry your DH is not really helping you process this.
I recall when I had the miscarriage, my DH was sympathetic, but didn't really understand at all. I feel like he didn't even grieve, didn't understand why I was having such a hard time and why I was in a dark place for so long. I also had a traumatic experience with that, I hemorrhaged really badly and had to have an emergency D&C. Got a blood clot in my lung on top of that, so it was pretty bad. Definitely not as traumatic as what you described though.

What seems to help for some people anyway, is just talking, and talking, and talking about it. Telling the story of what happened to you and how you felt. Journaling, if you think that would help. Talk to us too! We want to help if we can.

Definitely get some help if you need it, counseling when you're physically able.

I'm sorry you had to have a C-section, that has to suck when you had all your others vaginally and were expecting to have that this time too. You had a horrific birth experience, so I imagine in a way you're grieving the loss that beautiful or at least "normal" experience that you expected.

Schofield06 October 14th, 2013 06:00 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
:hug: I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. You are such a strong, beautiful woman who did what was needed to save your and your baby's life. Talk to your Dr. I hope it all get's easier for you.

momof8lopez October 14th, 2013 07:29 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by EverydayJoy (Post 27727757)
Lori, I definitely agree with what all the ladies have said. You have been through a horrific situation and even though it had a happy ending, you have all the emotional trauma to deal with now, on top of the regular PP hormones.
I'm sorry your DH is not really helping you process this.
I recall when I had the miscarriage, my DH was sympathetic, but didn't really understand at all. I feel like he didn't even grieve, didn't understand why I was having such a hard time and why I was in a dark place for so long. I also had a traumatic experience with that, I hemorrhaged really badly and had to have an emergency D&C. Got a blood clot in my lung on top of that, so it was pretty bad. Definitely not as traumatic as what you described though.

What seems to help for some people anyway, is just talking, and talking, and talking about it. Telling the story of what happened to you and how you felt. Journaling, if you think that would help. Talk to us too! We want to help if we can.

Definitely get some help if you need it, counseling when you're physically able.

I'm sorry you had to have a C-section, that has to suck when you had all your others vaginally and were expecting to have that this time too. You had a horrific birth experience, so I imagine in a way you're grieving the loss that beautiful or at least "normal" experience that you expected.

The more I talk about it, the more I relive it. I guess at this point, I just need to stop talking about it for awhile and concentrate on how beautiful little Rey is and how lucky I'am. You nailed it though about the birth experience.....I had invissioned all those emotions of when they put the baby on your chest for the first breath, having dh cut the cord, giving his first bath, having him see me when his eyes open for the very time......all of those things were taken from me. But like I said, I'm grateful I have him. So many other mama's never get to hold their baby's EVER after a birth like his, and for this I will just suck it up and praise God that he gave me that.

Thank you ladies for all the kind supportive advice and just listening. It has helped alot, at least I'm not stuck on the negative anymore. Lots of love to you.

momof8lopez October 14th, 2013 07:37 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ame C (Post 27726706)
After Clyde was born my husband disappeared for about 20-30 mins to cry. He didn't want me to see him like that, at his lowest. He said he screamed, cursed, punched the steering wheel of the car and cried. He maybe cried with me 2-3 times after that on separate occasions, but for the most part he held it together, way better than I was able to. I'm telling you this because I think it's in man's nature to be the "strong one". To keep composure even if they are crying out inside. I think they try to be strong for us, but little do they know us women want to see their vulnerable side. We want to see their emotions and that they are human too. It makes us feel like we aren't so crazy for being emotional roller coasters.

Your story really affected me Lori. I've had dreams about it and replay it in my head as well. It is a nightmare but could have ended so much worse. You and your baby boy really are so very lucky to be alive. I know how hormones go completely crazy after birth (that's totally normal by the way) so right now your not looking at the glass half full, but in a few months I know it will hit you and you will be so happy and all this PPD and distress with be a thing of the past. All of our hearts go out to you! You have already been through wayyyy more than could ever be considered fair! Take is easy, get help from family, cry if you need to, cuddle that sweet baby boy tight and don't be ashamed to get medicine from your doctor to stabilize your hormones. Many women need it, your not alone and we are always here for you if you need to scream and cry.

Your body will slim down and your scars will fade. You are stunningly gorgeous and so **** strong!! Hang in there mama!! :bighug:

Ame, it is women like you, mothers like you, that I hold dearest to my heart. Thank you for seeing all these things in me, when in light of your experiences, it makes me feel so weak. Like I said previous, I'm grateful for how it ended up.....many women would die to have what I have, and for that, I could never not be grateful. Thank you sweetheart, your words mean the world to me right now and helped to keep me centered if that makes any sense.

Sunrise October 14th, 2013 08:54 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Lori- I think it's definitely PTSD.

Your hubby is verbalizing "his memories" of feeling completely helpless. He probably WAS in the corner of the room away from you. Either bc of shock or bc the medical team was not letting him get close as they rushed to save both of your lives.
As for your body image, it WILL improve. You're in shock. Youve seen your body change with your other pregnancies and births. You KNOW you'll be a smokin' hot momma very soon!
As for the c/s scar- you'd do it over again one million times if it means you get the same healthy baby.remind your mind that! your body was brutally handeled save two lives. It's gonna feel (and look) different. But it WILLget better. You WILL get back to yourself.

In the meantime, anyone who has gone through something this traumatic should find a professional (preferably that specializes in these issues) to speak to. I recommend calling your local level 3 nicu- and asking if they have a psychologist they work with. These professionals hear stories like this every day.

Keep posting. My thoughts are with you.

EverydayJoy October 14th, 2013 09:09 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by momof8lopez (Post 27727991)
The more I talk about it, the more I relive it. I guess at this point, I just need to stop talking about it for awhile and concentrate on how beautiful little Rey is and how lucky I'am. You nailed it though about the birth experience.....I had invissioned all those emotions of when they put the baby on your chest for the first breath, having dh cut the cord, giving his first bath, having him see me when his eyes open for the very time......all of those things were taken from me. But like I said, I'm grateful I have him. So many other mama's never get to hold their baby's EVER after a birth like his, and for this I will just suck it up and praise God that he gave me that.

Thank you ladies for all the kind supportive advice and just listening. It has helped alot, at least I'm not stuck on the negative anymore. Lots of love to you.

That makes sense that it kinda just makes it worse. If it would even help at all, maybe brew up a big pot of chamomile tea, and just sip on it all day, maybe help calm your nerves a little and think a little more clearly? I know that's kind of lame advice in the face of what you've been through, but sometimes (for me anyway) just knowing I can reach for SOMEthing to try to help myself feel better, can be a psychological help too.
Sounds like for you, maybe the best therapy might be just trying to breathe in Rey's new baby smell, take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's best to put stuff like that aside until you can process it better.

momof8lopez October 14th, 2013 09:24 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Another thing that is starting to really settle heavy on my heart is: Why did I have to fight to save my baby's life? I was told by over 5 dr.'s the day after delivery (two who delivered me, my ob, my ob's partner and the MFM dr.) is how my mothers intuition saved my baby's life and mine. But why did it have to come to that? What if I was a FTM who did not know how to verbalize my thoughts and feelings? I had 3 dr's tell me the day they wanted to discharge me (before the birth) that I needed to basically calm down and do whats right for my baby by letting him have at least one more week inside me. I was made to feel guilty that day. I felt horrible for telling the MFM dr. that I wanted my baby out. I felt selfish, and embarresed when I went back to labor and delivery and the nurse who ended up saving my life, who was also 9mo pregnant, looked at me and said "you have to do what you feel is best". I thought for sure she was being sarcastic.

If it was not for these boards, for seeing so many tragedy's over the years, of knowing how horrible some births can be, I would of put my tail between my legs and just went home. Went home and per my Dr.'s words "died in front of my family". Why are dr's so quick to judge us? Our own gut instincts? It breaks my heart, trully, for all the young mothers who would of listened to their dr.'s advice and just walked away. I know if I was in my 20's again, I surely would of felt safe after having 2 u/s's and several high profile dr's tell me that all was ok. I would of dismissed my fears for sure.

I think this is the root of my anger. I know DH cant even look at my ob's partner who was the second dr. to tell me to go home. He did not even make the surgery in time.....I had to be delivered by the two on call surgeons that day. He was just up stairs, on the next floor when he was called stat to the OR. He came after the baby was out and sewed me up. Today he took my staples out and smiled as he told me also that had I went home, I would of never made it to the ambulance. I would of bled out in 3min flat. He acknowledged that I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I pray he takes from this experience and never dismisses a mothers fear again.

Sunrise October 14th, 2013 09:38 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Your anger is valid! I can't imagine how you feel bc I'm angry for you! Why did it have to come to that? I'm so sorry Lori.

EverydayJoy October 14th, 2013 09:57 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
I don't know why doctors dismiss mothers' intuition frequently. I sincerely hope your situation shakes them to their core that they could have been responsible for your (and your baby's) death that day. I hope they take a good look in their hearts and set aside their pompous MD pride and acknowledge that many times, mother knows best.
I would be so angry in your place. You were made to feel ashamed for something that was the RIGHT choice. No one should ever feel that way when they are acting in the best interests of their precious baby.
I am sure there are countless other mothers out there who had their intuition pooh-poohed, or were afraid to speak it out, and had something tragic happen as a result. That's just not acceptable. I wonder if it's something carried over from the paternalistic society in our not-so-distant past, where women were pretty things to hang on a man's arm, who were given to "hysterics", and who were not educated because it was thought that we weren't smart enough to learn the kind of things men did.
It's only in recent years that women are even allowed to birth someplace other than strapped down to the bed and gassed! Can you imagine? It's time for your baby to be born--so you are strapped down, gassed so you don't remember, and your baby is dragged out of you. We're doing better now medically, but it's awful that that time ever even existed. Medical science needs to get their heads out of their ***** and learn that they are NOT God.

melissalaw October 15th, 2013 07:39 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Lori that upsets me greatly that the dr's just dismissed your fears and your mother's intuition and wanted to send you home. it is also really scary. I know like you if that had happened to me during my first pregnancy I would have just gone home and died. At that time I believed everything the dr's told me but now I know alot more than I did when I gave birth to my first. I hope that dr does behave differently or some other trusting mother might end up dead.

I hope you are doing ok today.

momof8lopez October 15th, 2013 08:29 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Feeling better! Thanks for letting me get it out. I know I will have my moments, but getting to the root of it has made me feel like I have a grasp on my feelings better!

EverydayJoy October 15th, 2013 09:12 AM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Glad to hear it Lori! Keep talking if it helps you!

EverydayJoy October 17th, 2013 12:35 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
How you doing lately, Lori?

Ame C October 17th, 2013 03:34 PM

Re: Post Partum Blues or Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?
 
Even after going through the loss of my first, I would have been the person who listened to the several doctors telling me everything is fine and to go home. So many times I have felt like I'm paranoid and crazy, I think I would have felt that way, especially since they were trying to make you feel guilty and selfish for thinking something was wrong and wanting to get your baby boy out asap. If the same situation had happened to me, I don't think I would have been as lucky. This was really an eye opener for me and for everyone who is following your story.

I hope you are feeling better today and healing up quickly. ((hugs))


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