I hate this. I hate eeryone's sympathy. I don't want their sympathy. I want my baby back. Although I don't even know if I can say that since the Dr. was pretty clear that the baby never was more than a couple of cells. Chemical pregnancy. *** is that? Sorry, your body was playing a joke on you! It wasn't a joke to me. It was real. It was unexpected, but I still wanted it. I hate passing my dining room table with the flowres the MOPS ladies gave me. I know their intentions were good but everytime I see them I think of my baby.
I hate the fact that I'm bleeding. I canfeel it. I alway shated that, even with normal cycles. But it's worse now, because I know I shouldn't be. I didn't even get to make it to my first appointment. I just finished making the first appointment when I started spotting. Spotting isn't a big deal. i always do that. It's just a first trimester thing, it'll be okay. Yeah right. Then AI started bleeding. Alot. Note nough to fill whole pads like they said, but still alot to me. I did what they said and went to the ER. Why did they have to give me hope? "Your cervix is open, but it's okay. You just had a baby in January, this is normal." "Oh, the blood isn't that bright. It was probably just a clot you knocked loose getting frisky with the hubby" "Okay, I don't see a baby, but maybe it's just the machine..." Why not just come out and tell me? Why keep giving me false hope. So now that you've crushed my world, don't sit there patting my hands. I want you to go away and leave me alone. I want out of this room, I want to go home. No I don't want to tell my DH now, I'll wait till we get home. We couldn't find a sitter and he's sitting in the waiting room with the kids, and I can't tell him in front of the kids.
So yesterday DH drags me out of the house. Kind of have to go anyway since the baby is running a fever for the third day. We have to go get the mail since the mailroom is across town. I got that intelligender I wanted in finally. Too bad it's too late. Dh wants to save it for the next baby but I can't stand to know it's here. I'm going to give it to the MOPS ladies to use as a door prize or something. I wish people would stop calling. Don't they know I don't want to talk to them? Quit apologizing! You had nothing to do with it. Why is this so awkward?
I just want my baby back.
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