September 22, 2007
I decided to start a journal today here online. With Hayden's first birthday coming up, I think it will be really good for me to get some of my feelings out. October 13, 2007 will be Hayden's 1st Heavenly birthday. I really can not believe it has been this long since I last held my baby girl. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I was in the hospital being induced just waiting for my baby to be born. I didn't know what to expect at all. I had never experienced childbirth before. I hadn't even yet taken any of my birthing classes like I had wanted to. I can still remember every single detail from that day. And here I am almost exactly ONE whole year later. When I think back I can NOT believe how I made it this far. Throughout my pregnancy I guess I always had the feelings that something was going to happen. I thought, if my baby died so would I. But when reality stepped in & it all really happened I didn't die physically that is. A part of me did die when my baby did. Since it has been almost 12 months that Hayden was born I have changed a lot! I don't act or think the same ways I used to. I am definitely more cautious about everything and appreciate life to the fullest. Although I have gone through all this pain & will continue to for the rest of my life I would NOT take any of it back, unless of course it ment Hayden growing up here with me, but I would not ever want to erase Hayden from my life. She has become such a HUGE part of me & when I think of life without her I can't imagine it at all... I love & miss my baby girl, forever & always! I really hope that Hayden's first birthday is as beautiful as I'd like it to be.
March 18, 2008
It's been awhile since I've come here & "wrote" in my journal. A lot has happened since then. Hayden's first birthday passed & went by so quickly. I hardly had any time to do all the things that I wanted to do on her special day. It definitely wasn't as difficult as I thought it would have been, then again the days leading up to certain dates usually are worse off. I baked a cake for my princess & let balloons go. It was really nice. I just wish my baby could have actually been there to blow out her candles instead of letting the wind blow them out. On February 8th it was one year since our due date. I didn't do anything special except for remember Hayden, like always. It used to comfort me to do things in memory of Hayden & now it's sorta difficult if that makes any sense at all... I usually always make a big deal about the 13th coming (day she was born) & this month I didn't even realize what the date was until I saw it on my cell at 11 pm. It's so weird how thing change. So much time has gone by & I can feel that I have made it far throughout my grieving process. I never thought I would make it here but I did... I still always think of Hayden & miss her so much! I will always love my princess, forever & always.
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