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StephanieMitchell March 22nd, 2013 08:13 AM

How are you?
 
Hi ladies,
I just wanted to check in with everyone and see how you're all doing today. I know its really rough right now for all of us, but Im wondering what everyone is doing that helps them cope. Some people turn to music or their faith. Some people write... What are you doing to help yourself heal?

StephanieMitchell March 22nd, 2013 08:28 AM

Re: How are you?
 
I have been listening to a lot of music lately. Im not a huge Rihanna fan, but she has a new song out called "Stay" I feel like it was written just for me. I downloaded it, and listen to it constantly.
I also bought some flower seeds, and Im going to start a little garden in my yard soon. Maybe just a couple more weeks to make sure there is no more chance of freeze (Im in FL). It will give me something to do, and keep my mind in a better place.
Im planning on getting a tattoo this weekend too. I want "Trust Your Struggle" in really pretty script lettering (still debating where on my body). At some point, Im also going to get a tiny set of either angel wings or feet print on my hip. I think having something permanent to remember the baby by would be nice.

islandbaby March 22nd, 2013 10:57 AM

Re: How are you?
 
It hasn't even been a week since my D&C so I am still in the stage where I am home, in denial/depressed/sad/....etc. I do pray a lot, but I still miss my baby. I am a firm believer that my baby is in a better place and some day, I will finally meet my baby! I have spent the last week living off of cake/ice cream/ chocolate etc. It's like I want to punish myself now that I don't have a baby to take care of anymore.

I know I am so fortunate enough to have 2 girls already. I have a loving husband. I have a good life. This baby was not part of our plan, but regardless, I loved it from the minute I found out. I was so excited and happy to be pregnant again and could not wait until the end of September. Now my heart is shattered. I had always wanted 3 children and a few years ago, we decided to be content with 2, so when this happened, I considered it a huge blessing from above, a miracle baby, my 3rd, my dream baby. How am I supposed to move on from this loss? Do I go back to life before this happened? At my age, do I consider now ttc for a baby?

I want to believe that I do have 3 children, 2 on earth here and one precious baby now being in heaven. I want to find peace in that, believing my baby is in a better place and will be waiting for me. I do think with time, I will feel better and I will find some peace. Right now the pain is still so raw though :(

StephanieMitchell March 22nd, 2013 11:22 AM

Re: How are you?
 
Im so sorry.
A week past the d&c was the hardest time for me. It was long enough for the reality of the situation to sink in, but still so soon that the emotions were still raw. I know what you mean about wanting to punish yourself. Ive been doing basically the same thing. It feels like the end of the world, and so I really just dont care about what happens to me right now.
Its been almost a month since I was told the baby passed, and close to three weeks since the d&c. I still cry everyday. I still miss my baby. And I still cant believe all this REALLY happened. But I promise that it really does start getting a little better each day... It takes a long time to heal this much heartbreak.

lelila March 22nd, 2013 12:50 PM

Re: How are you?
 
A tattoo is a nice idea, but with the weight I'm gaining, a tiny pair of wings will look like a pterodactyl in no time.

I work full time from home, and that keeps me pretty busy. We have a small farm and I just started my seeds for the garden. We also just got our birds for this year (chickens) so I have alot to do with our current flock and our new flock between feeding, cleaning and playing with the baby chicks. Plus we have to cats and two hunting beagles.

And of course, my sweet 7 yr old son, who makes me laugh and keeps me guessing. He is always my focus. My poor husband takes the back burner most days.

If there is a spare minute where I get stuck and start to cry, I just grab a laundry basket and do a load of laundry, or do the dishes, or clean something - there is always a chore to do around here. I try to avoid sitting still for more than a minute or two. My mind wanders and I get sad instantly.

I hate myself for it, but I don't want anything to remember the baby. I had pictures of the Positive HPT and I ditched them. I had our first Sonogram where we saw the heartbeat and I hid them away. I had a Big Brother shirt for my son and I buried it in a box in the attic. I hate the reminders. I want to pretend it never happened - like somehow that'll lesson my chances of happening a third time. Fat chance.

I guess right now I'm in the denial stage.

Ame C March 22nd, 2013 12:59 PM

Re: How are you?
 
I'm "okay"... that is like my trademark phrase now. That is my reply to pretty much everyone, every time. The truth? ... I'm not "okay" but do I really have a choice? I may feel numb over 50% of the time and yet, time doesn't stop for anyone, life goes on. It's hard to get back in the swing of things when at this point in my life, things should be completely different. DH and I should be experiencing some of the happiest moments in life right now, but we were robbed of the most precious thing in the world to both of us, our sweet baby. I HAVE to do things to keep myself busy or my mind wanders to sad depressing places. The past couple days I have been getting our bathroom ready to paint, and finally started painting yesterday. I probably wont have it finished until 2 more days then I will move onto repainting the hallway.

I had an issue with listening to music after we lost Clyde. Every song reminded me of him because I loved singing songs off of the radio to him. I would hear these songs that I used to sing to him and bust into tears. EVERY song would make me cry so I refused to listen to the radio for about 3 months straight. There were certain songs I feel that Clyde really liked because he would wiggle around as I sang. As I slowly began to turn the radio on here and there for 5-10 mins at a time I realized "our song" (My son and I's) would come on EVERY time I listened to the radio. Yes I know radio stations are bad about playing the same songs over and over, but I feel like this certain one was a sign from my son. I even mentioned it to my DH and he said he has noticed it too. Now I am able to listen to music and I feel like sometimes my son speaks to me through certain songs. It may sound silly to some of you but it is something I have found, although it's very painful at times, it helps me feel that connection with my son again.

*Starts bawling
I love him with every fiber of my existence. Mommy loves you sweetheart :cries: I just wish I was able to hold him, even if only 1 more time. I believe in heaven so I know that day will come, the waiting just hurts SOOOO BAAAD!!!

lelila March 22nd, 2013 01:55 PM

Re: How are you?
 
Oh Ame! Everytime I think of what you've gone through I can't help but cry. My heart bleeds for you. I'm heartbroken for you. I wish I could undo what has happened, so you could have your baby in your arms. I don't know how you are going through every day. You must be so incredibly strong.

StephanieMitchell March 22nd, 2013 02:14 PM

Re: How are you?
 
Im glad that everyone is finding ways to keep busy. I stayed home from work a couple times because I was just a mess those days and I didnt want to be bawling at my desk. Only two people at work know what happened, and I didnt want everyone in the office asking what was wrong and expecting me to explain everything to them. Those days I stayed home, I literally cried ALL day, to the point that I was making myself physically ill and having panic attacks. Going back to work and keeping myself busy has by far been the best thing for me...but I know everyone is different and everyone grieves differently.

Ame C- I wish there was something I could do or say and make it all better for you. I just cant even imagine... Please feel free to pm me anytime. For anything. (((big hugs)))

islandbaby March 22nd, 2013 02:54 PM

Re: How are you?
 
I know what you mean about songs! When I was in the waiting room waiting to have my US done (by this time I was already bleeding heavily and I just 'knew') their radio statio started playing this song. At first I wasn't listening to the words, but then I heard, "don't you worry, don't you worry child, heaven has a plan for you!" and I just knew in my heart that song was meant for me at that exact moment. I can't listen to that song without bawling my eyes out. I am avoiding listeningto any songs at all because I know I will just cry!

Ame C March 22nd, 2013 07:15 PM

Re: How are you?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarmomma3 (Post 27220922)
I know what you mean about songs! When I was in the waiting room waiting to have my US done (by this time I was already bleeding heavily and I just 'knew') their radio statio started playing this song. At first I wasn't listening to the words, but then I heard, "don't you worry, don't you worry child, heaven has a plan for you!" and I just knew in my heart that song was meant for me at that exact moment. I can't listen to that song without bawling my eyes out. I am avoiding listeningto any songs at all because I know I will just cry!

That is one of the songs that makes me cry!!! ((hugs))

islandbaby March 23rd, 2013 04:33 AM

Re: How are you?
 
Ame C, I feel bad that every time I reply I so badly want to say something to you, but I know there are no words good enough to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Nothing I have gone through even remotely compares to what happened to you and I can't even imagine.... :( My heart goes out to you and if you need a friend/to vent/ anything at all...you can PM me. If you want to be FB friends, please add me - Samantha Belinda Albury. That goes for all of you!!! I don't know why, but ever since this happened to me, I have this incredible urge for all of us who have suffered to stay connected! Ame C, sending you lots of hugs!!!

MelChicago March 23rd, 2013 08:24 AM

Re: How are you?
 
I'm so sorry, for all of us. Ame, I'm so, so sorry. Your beautiful, incredible love and spirit just shines through your words.

I too am "okay". Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I find myself procrastinating a lot. My first due date is approaching, and I keep thinking about how I had "planned" this time- I'd stop teaching dance classes after spring break, I'd be lining up help for my office job, I'd skip this or miss that. The usual routine I'm doing now- work, errands, etc- is what I've been doing all my adult life- but now it just doesn't seem to fit right.

I teach dance classes for kids, and I've found that creating new dances for them, for their spring recital, has been an amazing comfort. They're so bright and sweet and eager to learn, and it helps to be using my creativity to make art.

I also read, a lot. Mostly novels. I like big epic novels where I can just disappear. I write in a journal, too, but not regularly.


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