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-   -   Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned) (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f40-pregnancy-loss/2637614-still-cant-believe-im-here-m-c-mentioned.html)

islandbaby March 25th, 2013 08:42 AM

Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Honestly, I still can't believe it. The last two months have been such a whirlwind. We were not ttc at all so of course it came as a complete surprise when I didn't get my AF and on February 1st I found out I was pregnant. Within an hour of finding out, my husband and I were excited and happy.

One thing did bother me. I really didn't feel pregnant at all. With my other two pregnancies I had every symptom in the book, including 24/7 horrific MS for months. I honestly just felt great this time. I read other people mentioning 'missed miscarriage' and I read up on it. I even went to the nurse and told her I felt maybe that is what was happening to me. Of course I had no spotting or cramps, so why worry, right? At some point I started to think that I could feel the baby sometimes, so that reassured me.

At my 10 1/2 week appointment, he couldn't find the heartbeat, but he said it was still early and that was normal. Ok, I guess? By this point, I felt unsure again. I just couldn't wait to get to that stage of pregnancy where my belly would grow and I actually felt pregnant! Two days after my Dr's appointment, I started spotting brown, only a spot or two and not all the time. I tried to not worry, but when you've had two other pregnancies with no spotting ever at all, how could my mind not wonder? I had a NT scan booked for a few days later. The brown spotting continued throughout the week, but there was no cramping and no blood. Every time I saw brown, I would pray that my baby was ok. Looking back now, I believe that all this time my baby was already gone :( The morning of my scan, I started spotting red with clots. Now I was getting more worried, but I know that lots of women bleed/clot/etc and everything is fine.

I honestly never considered that I would have a miscarriage. I mean, I've only been pregnant two times and both times went perfect. This just wouldn't happen to me. Then came the scan...no baby :( To make a long story a bit shorter, I ended up having a D&C done two days later, on my 35th Birthday.

That was 9 days ago. I still can't believe it. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I don't know where to go from here. Yes, I have always wanted 3 children, but we were content with our 2 girls. All of those 'content' feelings seemed to change when I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. I was 'over the moon' excited. I can't remember the last time I was this blissfully happy. I spent every waking hour excited to be pregnant. I realized how much I have always wanted a third baby. I truly thought this was a gift, my dream baby. How could there possibly be a problem? A gift like this would not be taken away from me, would it? I was so wrong!

Now I battle between going back to my content life before or maybe possibly ttc again? Now that I have actually experienced that amazing feeling of being pregnant again and looking forward to finally completing our family with 3 children, how can I go back to my life before this all happened to me? Then again, I am so scared to have to go through a loss again. I don't know if I can deal with that. But, is the reward greater than the risk?

I know it's only been 9 days, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime to me. All I keep thinking, no matter what I am doing, is "I should be pregnant right now" and it just breaks my heart :(

Anyway, I know I've been posting here for a week now and I just wanted to officially write my story. My name is Samantha, by the way!

lelila March 25th, 2013 11:27 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Oh Samantha, I'm sorry. There's no easy day is there? And I know, I think we all do, the "I should be pregnant right now" feeling. It comes with everything doesn't it. I'm in the grocery store picking out tea and it's caffeinated. I should be getting decaf because "I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW".

And the counting. Oh yes, the counting. It's been 4 days. 6 days. 8 days. It's been 20 days since the D&C but 28 since our LO's heart stopped. I HATE the counting. And it's automatic. Like knowing the days of the week, you don't even have to think about it.

People all over the place say it gets better, but I'm still waiting. We all are.

islandbaby March 25th, 2013 11:39 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lelila (Post 27227393)
Oh Samantha, I'm sorry. There's no easy day is there? And I know, I think we all do, the "I should be pregnant right now" feeling. It comes with everything doesn't it. I'm in the grocery store picking out tea and it's caffeinated. I should be getting decaf because "I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW".

And the counting. Oh yes, the counting. It's been 4 days. 6 days. 8 days. It's been 20 days since the D&C but 28 since our LO's heart stopped. I HATE the counting. And it's automatic. Like knowing the days of the week, you don't even have to think about it.

People all over the place say it gets better, but I'm still waiting. We all are.

I teared up reading your post! This is EXACTLY how I feel! Everything I do revolves around the 'I should be pregnant right now' thought. I can't even do the dishes without that thought :( I hate grocery shopping now. I used to love it and it always made me so happy while I was pregnant. Considering my age, I took 'eating while pregnant' even more seriously. Everything I ate was thought out. Is this good for my baby? Is this healthy? Yes, sometimes I ate the 'wrong' thing, like chocolate, but I always felt guilty. Now I've spent almost two weeks punishing myself with food. Why care now, right?

Yes, the counting is automatic with me too! Every day I think, "I should be 13w2d pregnant now. I should be in the second trimester" HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME??? I just want to scream and cry and throw things and noone around me understands. Two days after my D&C someone had the nerve to tell me, "I know you feel bad now, but you'll get over it". GET OVER It??? WHAT??? I will NEVER get over this, as far as I'm concerned. I am forever changed by this!!! I am miserable. I am sad. I am heartbroken. Nothing else matters. Yes, I still do all the daily stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I do it for my family that needs me, but all I really want to do is have my baby back and be pregnant again. That is ALL I want now :( I don't cry anymore. Now I am just angry.

I seriously don't know what I would do if I didn't have JustMommies and all of you. I may not know you all personally, but I know we all are now connected by something, that if not experienced, can never be truly understood except by us who have felt that earth shattering loss and saddness.

Thank you to all of you for being here for support, not just for me, but for all of us who have had some sort of a loss!!!

smsturner March 25th, 2013 11:55 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Hi Samantha.
I remember talking to you before on the oct 13 board a lot.

I remember we were very similar with this pregnancy... we both had two, both went perfectly, both had m/s before- but not now, both in our thirties...

I know what you mean. I go back and forth between thinking these last 2.5 months were a total dream, and I never was pregnant, and thinking that I can't believe I can drink pepsi again, or change the cat box. I should be pregnant and not able to do any of it.

I'm so sorry you're here honey. I'm so sorry about all of it.
I hope you find out what is the perfect thing to do next, and it works out perfectly for you...

islandbaby March 25th, 2013 12:20 PM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by smsturner (Post 27227511)
Hi Samantha.
I remember talking to you before on the oct 13 board a lot.

I remember we were very similar with this pregnancy... we both had two, both went perfectly, both had m/s before- but not now, both in our thirties...

I know what you mean. I go back and forth between thinking these last 2.5 months were a total dream, and I never was pregnant, and thinking that I can't believe I can drink pepsi again, or change the cat box. I should be pregnant and not able to do any of it.

I'm so sorry you're here honey. I'm so sorry about all of it.
I hope you find out what is the perfect thing to do next, and it works out perfectly for you...

Thank you for your response! I actually think about you all the time. It breaks my heart every time someone on our DDC gets that devastating news, but I have to say, I really cried when you posted. I felt like it was happening to one of my best friends, probably because our stories were so similar and some people you just connect with more than others, kwim?

I'd really like to remain friends with you! I also truly hope that everything works out perfectly for you as well and that you get your 'together' baby asap!!!

sweety_pie March 26th, 2013 05:50 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
I relate with you on the having 2 perfect pregnancy and kids, but always wanting that 3rd. After 2 years of ttc and nothing I had given up on a 3rd and was content in that fact. Then I got pregnant and was soooo in love with my baby, so happy to finally be getting that 3rd baby. Then everything seemed fine until almost 12 weeks when I lost my baby (thinking this would never happen to me, I had perfect pregnancies) So of course after that I was scared to even try again, but I wanted that 3rd baby so bad that we tried again, and got pregnant right away. Me being silly I was thinking well not many have 2 m/c so I should be good, ended up losing that baby at 7 weeks. After that I swore I was done!! But 3 months or so later that desire for that 3rd baby creeped back in so we tried again and got pregnant right away! So I know how it feels to still REALLY want that 3rd baby. I wish you luck in whatever you do decide to do!! So sorry again for your loss!! :(

smsturner March 28th, 2013 07:12 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarmomma3 (Post 27227618)
Thank you for your response! I actually think about you all the time. It breaks my heart every time someone on our DDC gets that devastating news, but I have to say, I really cried when you posted. I felt like it was happening to one of my best friends, probably because our stories were so similar and some people you just connect with more than others, kwim?

I'd really like to remain friends with you! I also truly hope that everything works out perfectly for you as well and that you get your 'together' baby asap!!!

I'm sorry that I didn't notice this sooner. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I'd love to remain friends :) You are a sweetie! Youre right, some people rub me the wrong way, and some I just like right away. I always liked reading your posts.

I hope everything works out perfectly for you too. Your loss on the board was one I kept thinking about too. I was so so sad for you. And to have to travel to get the medical care seemed just like one more sad push. :(

lelila March 28th, 2013 11:55 AM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Just checking in Samantha to see how you are doing. It seems like every day is a life time doesn't it. I know it's only been a few days, but it seems like forever since you posted.

islandbaby March 28th, 2013 02:46 PM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lelila (Post 27238098)
Just checking in Samantha to see how you are doing. It seems like every day is a life time doesn't it. I know it's only been a few days, but it seems like forever since you posted.

Hi, thanks for checking on me :) That means a lot to me! I'm ok, what can I say? (shrugging shoulders here) I honestly feel like I am just a sad shell of who I used to be. Last night I cried erasing the pics on my camera of the positve pregnancy tests as well as a few belly shots. It made me so sad. I hate looking in the mirror at my flat stomach. I'm not supposed to look like this :(

I do come online every day (Tuesday I was offline all day though because I had to go on a school trip) and some days I am in the mood to write and respond and some times I have my moments, where I just don't even have the energy.

I keep thinking this has to be some bad dream and I will wake up from it any time. This coming Monday (April 1st) will be extremely hard for me. It would have/should have been the day we officially announced the news to our families as well as facebook. That day is going to break my heart all over again, I just know it!

Also, this decision of ttc or not is really upsetting me. This pregnancy was not 'planned' so it's not as easy for me as for others who were ttc and who know they will go back to ttc. I don't know if there is another chance for me? :(

Ame C March 28th, 2013 03:51 PM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
My heart is absolutely broken after reading all of this. I'm so sorry Samantha. I wish words of wisdom would come to me so I could share them with you but I'm speechless. I just want you to know we understand the pain you feel and are here for you ((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are going through this.

islandbaby March 28th, 2013 04:02 PM

Re: Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ame C (Post 27238867)
My heart is absolutely broken after reading all of this. I'm so sorry Samantha. I wish words of wisdom would come to me so I could share them with you but I'm speechless. I just want you to know we understand the pain you feel and are here for you ((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Believe me, your words mean more than you'll ever know! Just having you all in my life now for support and understanding has made this bearable! I am just so glad that we are able to all be there for each other!!! <HUGS>


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