pregnant/afraid/undecided DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
I am five weeks pregnant, feeling very afraid and confused. Although I have a great support system of family and friends, I could really use an outside perspective Ėespecially from someone who has been in/or is currently in a similar situation. Any advice, or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Since discovering I was pregnant (17 days ago), I have been going through a million emotions and my mind is racing all day long about what ifís. Initially I was terrified about being pregnant because I had drank heavily. Not just occasionally but on a nightly basis. After my OBGYN visit and reviewing the ultrasound, the doctor determined I was 4 weeks, 2 weeks from conception so the baby should not be affected (low risk) by my alcohol consumption so long as I stopped now. (That really confuses me as to how far along I really am, if anyone can explain that. Am I 2 weeks or 4 weeks? I do not remember when my last menstrual cycle was). I have since stopped drinking and have been eating healthy.
I have always wanted kids but didnít plan on having them until I was at least 30 (my BF and I are both in our mid-twenties), in a committed long-term relationship, and had a successful career. I graduated college with a bachelorís degree, but have been out of school and work for over a year, and am currently unemployed. This is obviously a huge concern. I know I can get a job that will pay the bills, but Iím worried that being out of work and the time I will take off once the baby is born will affect my chances of getting a great job in my field. My boyfriend is employed with a low-average income (for our age), but still has several years of school until he receives his degree. Even then, he will not be making very much money (similar to a teacherís salary). We have a great support system of family and friends, which is super helpful. But Iím afraid we will always be struggling to make ends meet. I was blessed to grow up in a middle class home, with nice things, and yearly vacations; so this is a scary thought for me. I want my child and family to have nice things, and be able to travel and experience the world. Although the city and state I live in is very nice and friendly, I have lived here my entire life and have always dreamt of living elsewhere near the ocean. This is an extremely hard dream for me to give up, and I think is unrealistic to think it may happen in the future, because our income.
Another huge concern is my relationship the babyís father. My boyfriend and I have been friends since college but have only been a couple for five months. He is absolutely great, and thrilled about having a baby. If he could have planned it out he would have waited a few years but now that Iím pregnant he has been nothing but positive and excited. He does not believe in abortion so he has not considered that as an option (although I have). He also said he does not think he could be with me if I had an abortion because he wouldnít be able to look at me the same. But he has really been like something you see in a movie through all of this. Since finding out he has been looking for a second job, applied to summer school and figuring out how he can get his degree, looking for a house to rent so that we can move in together, and being extremely attentive to my needs, asking if I need anything, how I feel Ėeven giving me back rubs every night. I should be ecstatic, and even though I whole heartedly appreciate everything he is doing, I am starting to doubt our relationship. I love him, but now that I have the pressure and a million questions: is he the one? Do I really think he will be there for me and the baby? What if he leaves me? Etc. I am even questioning my attraction to him. I donít know how much of this is hormones or if I was just going with the flow in a new relationship and now the pressure of all these life changing decisions im realizing I donít want to be with him. I donít want to force a relationship if itís not there and bringing a baby into that is the worst decision. He treats me great, he has my best interest, he pushes me to be the best I can be, he makes me laugh like no one else, but sometimes Iím not attracted to him physicallyÖ how important is that? Am I just being shallow? Itís hard for me to picture my life with him in the future like I did with my exís. But I have always bee in long relationships, this one is actually my shortest. Iím afraid of staying together for the sake of our child, and resenting him.
Iím also concerned with how this will affect our lifestyle. We are people who like to go out with friends, have parties, and spend the summer at the lake on the boat. None of our close friend have children. I canít help but be selfish and think about all the things we will be missing out on. I also hate to ask my boyfriend not to go out or to the lake, but I know I wont be able to.
With all of these concerns, I cannot make my mind up on whether I should have this baby or have an abortion. One second I am 100% confident that I want to have this baby and 20 minutes later I believe abortion is the best option, and this has been going on everyday all day since I found out. Are these normal thoughts? I feel guilty for not being so excited and so in love with the idea of having a baby. But is that because Iím programmed to think thatís how Iím supposed to feel? Or do I keep trying to convince myself this is not the right decision because it just simply is not the right decision and I should have an abortion?
Sorry that was so long and full of rambling, my mind is all over the place right now. If you read that entire post, thank you and I would really appreciate your input.
Re: pregnant/afraid/undecided DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
It can get confusing, but you are 4 weeks pregnant. They count the two weeks following your period as being pregnant even though you actually werenít at that point. But thatís how itís calculated usually :) So you are 4 weeks.
I wouldnít worry about income, even though I know thatís hard. You are already done school, which is a major accomplishment! Taking time off work to parent doesnít look bad at all. So many moms (and dads) take time off to stay home with their kids. There is nothing wrong with working a job outside of your career for now, either.
Iíll give you a little insight into my life. Iím still working on my bachelors and have to complete my masters as well. Depending on if I can get the right classes or not, I have about 3-4 years left. Thatís if I go full time. I most likely wonít be able to go full time, do to time and finances so itíll take longer. My fiancť has graduated and just started a new job. That job is only going to pay $30,000 in the first year, after that itíll be $50,000 which is middle class here. A family can easily live nicely off $50,000. Iím not sure what a teachers salary is where you live, but where I am itís around $40,000/year to start. Thatís very easy to live off of.
All the fears and worries you are having are completely normal. Iíve been with my fiancť for 3 years and there are times when I have those same worries. There isnít much I can say for it other than try not to think about it too much. Your hormones are changing, your stressed and over-thinking things, which is completely normal. Trust me, those fears are normal.
If you decide later on that you donít want to be with him, thatís completely fine. There is nothing wrong with having a child with an ex as long as you can still get along for the child. Many people do it and that shouldnít be a reason to not have the child. There is also nothing wrong with abortion IF itís what you really want. So many women (and man sometimes as well) regret abortion, I donít want that to happen to you. Based on what you said about sometimes wanting the baby and sometimes not, I donít think abortion is the best decision for you. I think you want this baby, but you are just scared. Iíll be honest with you, with this baby I didnít start to feel really good about it all the time until recently and Iím 17 weeks. If I have a fight with fiancť, those thoughts and feelings come back up for a little while. It can take time to get use to the idea of being a mother, planned or unplanned. Donít feel guilty about not being excited, eventually you will be it just takes time :).
Itís also completely normal to have miss the lifestyle. I donít have that fear because I donít party, rarely go out and love being at home. But many people do have that fear. Things are going to change and change can be hard to get use to. You can still do things when the baby gets here. Moms (and dads) take time do go out with friends, attend the occasional party (though not as often as you are probably use to) and getting away. You can definitely go to the lake when you have a child. You can go on vacations as well.
All the feelings your feeling are normal. Take as much time as you need to get use to the idea and feel excited. I feel pretty strongly that if you feel at all that you want to keep the baby, abortion probably isnít for you. However, abortion is always an option.
Re: pregnant/afraid/undecided DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
That's a tough position to be in. I agree that it sounds like you want this baby and you are scared. I was scared to. I got pregnant after 3 months with my BF - he was so happy and I was TERRIFIED... and to be honest I still am a little. I spent 6 years in university and I have my accounting degree and I always thought that my career was going to be number one, but now everything has changed. I won't be able to progress more into my career I will kind of be stuck in the middle rather than the top - and the truth is - I LOVE it. Life isn't all about a working. I never wanted to have kids and now I am already thinking about when I will have another after this one comes. My whole life plan has changed and I actually love it more than the plan I had before. Embrace change! I know you can get through the rough stuff and financial stuff, and there will be ups and downs, but in the end it will all work out and you will be happy. :) Good luck!
Re: pregnant/afraid/undecided DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
I realize that this is an old post, but I thought I would weigh in anyway. I was pregnant in high school by my boyfriend of 2 years. I was 16 years old. Terrified is not even the word...I never considered abortion because I made the choice to have sex knowing that I could become pregnant and I wasn't going to punish my child for my judgement. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy when I was 17, 16 days after the end of my junior year of high school. Since then I graduated high school in the top ten, graduated college with a 4 year degree in 3.5 years and I know have a successful career and I am married to an amazing man who also has a successful career and I am just 23. Your life will definitely change, but it is definitely NOT over. You will be required to grow up some, take on adult responsibilities and make sacrifices, but every single sacrifice is 150% worth it when you see your baby smiling. My little guy is 6 now and he is my world! I couldn't imagine my life without him.
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