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-   -   grief question (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/232145-grief-question.html)

srs June 19th, 2006 05:01 PM

I haven't mentioned this in the general loss board, but I've noticed that now when I think about my losses, I almost always think of them together. After the first mc I thought that if I ever had a second, that I would think of each mc as a separate event, but now when I grieve, it's for both of the babies. I also feel somewhat comforted to think that the babies have each other now too. It's a bit odd, because in real life, if the first one had made it, the second could never have been conceived. Anyway, does anyone else ever think like this? I don't have any other kids, so I don't have anything to compare it to.

calicocat June 19th, 2006 05:19 PM

I guess I think of my first three together too, and they're the same way as yours. If any of them had worked out, the later ones never would have been there either. I haven't really had time to think about this last one yet.

With me, because the first three happened so early, I never really got attached to them like I did this most recent one. I think I'm going to have a separate place for this last one, since I actually saw him (or her, but I think it was a boy) on ultrasound so many times.

wewantaminime June 19th, 2006 05:27 PM

well, I just found out the sex of my december 05 loss and have named her. I don't know the gender of the other 3. I need to name them but feel like I would upset their poor souls giving a name for the wrong gender. I don't know...it's odd...but I'm recalling similar feelings as I had when I played with dolls as a child. I couldn't sleep with one baby, I had to sleep with all of them or they might feel left out. Sounds crazy but it's very real for us. These are our babies. I'm comforted in knowing that all my babies are with my Grandpa and they have eachother to play with. I actually feel them with me.

calicocat June 19th, 2006 06:16 PM

Maybe this is a stupid suggestion, but could you give them names that would be ok for either gender? There's a ton of names like that. I don't know what any of mine were, but if I ever did name them I would pick a name that would be good for a boy or girl.

lizard June 19th, 2006 06:19 PM

I also think of my losses together. It makes sense to me, though. I think I would compare it to identical twins (while I don't have them, this is the way I percieve having them would be). You have your twins and there is no way to tell them apart at first. So, you mark the bottoms of their feet to tell them apart. Well, after a couple of weeks, I would think that they would develop their own personalities to some extent. Then you wouldn't have to mark them anymore because you would be able to tell them apart (although no one else would be able to). So, I think since I never learned their personalities or anything to differentiate them from anyone else, it is natural to group them together. It also makes it more difficult to grieve for one and not the other, I didn't know one of them better than the other, didn't attach myself to one more than the other, so it would be difficult to grieve for them separately.

I don't know if this makes sense, but that is the way I think about it.

beck12 June 19th, 2006 06:37 PM

I really don't know. If I had carried hte twins to term I could have still carried this last baby to term as well - becasue those two wouldn't have overlapped - but the pg in between would have thrown me off. :confused:

I do think of them quite separate for me becasue I think I reacted so differently in ways each tie, different things were going on in my life, and I did eventually choose names for each of them. But there is still a part of me that thinks of them as my "babies" like a grouping I suppose...so in that way I do understand hte idea of a "blanketting" grief that covers them all.

srs June 19th, 2006 08:06 PM

The naming thing is interesting. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, and I don't really know why. I think it might be because even if I named them, I don't think I could get anyone else to ever use the names (not even DH), and it would be one more thing to feel alone about, that no one but me is acknowledging that my babies had names.
I guess a theme here for me is that I'm really still finding stuff out as I go along (aren't we all). My second loss is so recent, that I'm sure things will seem different farther down the road.

auntmeme June 20th, 2006 05:28 AM

Since the second loss, I have always thought of my babies together. It was a comfort to me to know that they were together w/God. I know that they are and that they are taking care of each other and watching over DH and I.

I haven't named either of my babies. I did not know the gender of either.

jessjillmama June 20th, 2006 08:44 AM

I don't think of mine together really at all. I guess because my first one was 10 years ago and I was only 15 years old at the time. I didn't really get near as upset with that one. Even though I do still think about her (I felt it was a girl) and named her Angel. I think about how different my life would be if I would have had her, to think I would have a 10 year old child right now. My life would have been a whole different story.

Now I think about this child and wonder if it was God's plan because he doesn't want us to have another child. I dont know I am so confused.

4iris June 20th, 2006 12:50 PM

I had to name my angels to get closure on their losses. My son was convinced he was getting a sister, so after the first m/c I chose a girl's name. We had testing on the second and found out it was a boy. God made it clear to me back in January that we need to have another child. I used that to choose the names. Iris Joanna (rainbow/God's promise, grace of the Lord) and John David (God is gracious/merciful, beloved).

Since I lost mine so close together and never really took time to grieve for Iris, I definitely am grieving them both now. That may be why I'm having such a hard time with it. I think everyone grieves differently and that's OK.

Saigon June 23rd, 2006 06:28 PM

Most of my losses were in such ways that if I had carried one to term, the other wouldn't have been concieved as well.


After the first one, I tried not to get too attached. Then the next and the next and I started to think of it not as individual children..but as a whole. As in My history of loss. I don't see it the same way as my pregnancies that did make it. Its not as real to me. I guess I haven't processed the grief yet :(

I did try naming them...but it just felt a little weird

beck12 June 25th, 2006 12:22 AM

Quote:

The naming thing is interesting. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it, and I don't really know why. I think it might be because even if I named them, I don't think I could get anyone else to ever use the names (not even DH), and it would be one more thing to feel alone about, that no one but me is acknowledging that my babies had names.
I guess a theme here for me is that I'm really still finding stuff out as I go along (aren't we all). My second loss is so recent, that I'm sure things will seem different farther down the road.[/b]
I didn't name any of my babies until my most recent loss. I don't know why - I didn't feel comfortable with it until then I guess. I know that no one including DH remembers the names I chose - and that is okay with me now. I know them at least & it made me feel like I was fullly acknowledging their existance finally in allowing myself to do that - if that makes sense. I chose: for the twins - Elaina Elise (Bright one/Consecrated to God) and Elijah Ezekial (The Lord is my God/God make me stronger), for the next baby - Hannah Isabella (Grace of God/Consecrated to God) and for the last baby (Anthony Francis (Priceless/Free).

Only do what makes you feel good & comfortable & helps you to heal. I just want you to know that whatever you decide...it is up to you & just because you haven't chose a name yet, doesn't mean you won't ever...and just because others have, doesn't mean you should.

On a separate note, I just wanted to add that I think you have shown amazing courage & insight - especially being that your second loss IS so recent. It takes a lot of time to digest it all & you are definitely an amazingly strong & heartfelt woman. I am often impressed by the insight you share. After my 2nd loss I could barely handle even coming to the board, let alone being able to reach out & share the way you do. It leaves me awe often of you & of several of the other ladies here. (((hugs)))

srs June 26th, 2006 06:45 PM

Quote:

On a separate note, I just wanted to add that I think you have shown amazing courage & insight - especially being that your second loss IS so recent. It takes a lot of time to digest it all & you are definitely an amazingly strong & heartfelt woman. I am often impressed by the insight you share. After my 2nd loss I could barely handle even coming to the board, let alone being able to reach out & share the way you do. It leaves me awe often of you & of several of the other ladies here. (((hugs)))[/b]
Thanks! I've been away for a few days (first we lost power, and then we were out of town), and today at work I was definitely having JM withdrawal. For whatever reason, this time around I'm really drawing strength from being able to talk to everyone here, and I was definitely getting down the last few days since I couldn't get online (we were visiting DH's grandma in the land of no internet! :( ) It's nice to be back.


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