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-   -   Testing the Waters... (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/232271-testing-waters.html)

beck12 June 19th, 2006 07:27 PM

Okay - I don't think we have the option to poll in htis forum...at least not yet.

I am curious about what the ladies that plan to be here for support, etc do & don't want to see in here for info, topics, conversation....as I do think our particular issues vary slightly from simply a single mc...once it starts being seen as a "pattern" other issue comes into play...

Like for instance...do you want there to be no talk of TTC???or warning on TTC topics as in pg loss board?

Do you think there is a difference between talking about ttc (such as charting, temping, opks') and talking about it as a basic idea?

Do you think there shouldn't be talk of pg? I mean if one of us were to get pg - should their pg not be really talked about here - or can they talk here about fears, anxieties, etc...

_____________________________________

My feelings:
I guess I ask becasue I understand how scary TTC is after multiple losses. It isn't really about blinkies & cheerleaders anymore...it is about a leap of faith. :confused: So I would like to think if someone was having fears & concerns & feeling intimidated about TTC that I could offer some support to them. I don't want to become the new TTC board - not at all - but I do feel (for MYSELF) that I am okay with some talk about it here since it seems so tied into all of the feelings we have about multiple losses.

I also wouldn't have a problem with someone from our group getting pg & tlaking about some of the uneasiness, etc with that. Of course I would maybe have an occassional pang of envy (but not in a bad way) simply becasue we'd all rather be pg than be here...and rather the first pg was successful. :wub: But since we are here - would it be okay with you if someone were to tlak abotu their difficult feelings assocaited with being pg again & what all that might mean?

Do you think that if you don't want either of those to ever be a topic - that maybe a subforum for those topics? The reason I ask is this....
I felt lost a bit on JM my last pg. It wasn't planned, but it was there none-the-less. I had fears & worries abotu the pg - but mostly the ladies in pg after loss - had only had 1 loss, many of them also had children..so when I would talk about fears, everyone was so trying to be so positive & sweet & loving - that at times I wasn't completely sure I was understood....like I just needed to know my feelings were okay & normal & that I was strong enough to handle whatever happened - and to maybe even discuss the possiblity of what if it happens again, etc. I don't know if that makes sense... But anyway - I can understand if someone after many losses, has particular struggles with these feelings & I would be okay in trying to offer support to that...since I do know how that feels. I just want to know what others think....

And just so you know - if you want NO ttc/pg talk - I have been there too - so I COMPLETELY understand. I guess I am just trying to wrap my brain around what we all are hoping to gain from the board & what we all hope to be able to communicate about here.

Maybe I don't even totally know yet what I wanted to get from this board. I just know that I have a lot of feelings tied into going through this over & again & I wanted a place to be able to express it all & hope to hear I am not crazy from those that are right there too. :wub:

calicocat June 19th, 2006 07:47 PM

I think it's all right to mention TTC and pregnancy, if it is warned about, and also not to the point where it becomes the main focus of the board. If someone gets pregnant, I think it's great to post it, but not a huge "Hooray for me, I got my BFP" over and over. I have been on other forums and I got so sick of seeing everyone with their "Hooray for me!" ad nauseum. Maybe a subforum would be a good idea for stuff like that. Does this make any sense?

lizard June 19th, 2006 07:53 PM

I know what you mean about feeling out of place. I really don't belong many other places on JM. The p/g loss board is the only place where I have felt at home, even though sometimes I have felt out of place there since I have one healthy child and so many there haven't been able to have children yet. I have tried visiting the TTC after a Loss, but it just isn't the same. Sometimes it seems silly over there. All they worry about is if someone has an evap line on the HPT or if the opk is reading a positive (I don't mean to offend anyone over there!!), but I know that even if I O and end up with a postiive HPT that I haven't even begun the battle yet. I know that after my first m/c, I could have gotten into that and into a DDC, but now even if I see a baby on the u/s (which I haven't the last 2 p/gs), that I haven't won the battle yet because there are still so MANY things that could go wrong. I think that with multiple losses you kind of lose that hopeful feeling and it becomes much harder to ease yourself through the worries.

I think that it would be okay to discuss TTC to some degree. If it is about tests and TTC anxieties that others have difficulty relating to, then I think it is a good idea. I don't think that it should go as far as discussing charts and opks and the like because I think that is more suited for the TTC boards.

I don't know about talking about a p/g on this board. I have a hard time sometimes when someone posts on the p/g loss board about getting a BFP. Not that I'm not happy for them, but I'm not sure that even an announcement belongs on the board because it is almost like rubbing it in your face that they are p/g and you aren't (even though I KNOW that that isn't the intent). Maybe I am being to harsh. Maybe I would change my tune if I were to become p/g again, or if I wasn't just a couple of months past my second loss. I do realize that there is a need for some p/g talk here because you feel like an outsider when no one understands what you have been through, but I don't want this to turn to a p/g after loss board either. I think that a subforum would be okay, though because then you could decide whether to expose yourself to the topic or not.

You aren't crazy and I think that it is a good idea to set boundaries at the beginning so that no one becomes hurt or is offended by what others want to talk about. We have to remember that even though all of us have been through a m/c more than once, we are still at different stages of dealing with those miscarriages and we will still have new members join us that are dealing with the grief over a new loss.

srs June 19th, 2006 07:59 PM

Beck,
Thanks for asking all of this. I hadn't really thought about it yet.
As for me... I'm fine with talking about ttc. I think it maybe used to bother me, because after my first mc it felt like FOREVER until I could ttc again (I think it was really like 6 wks). This time around, I really don't care, because now I know that ttc and becoming pg again will not solve all of my problems. It's really just the beginning.
As for pg talk... again, I'm okay with it. I understand what you felt about not havinga place at JM. I actually tried the PG after loss board during my second pg, and I liked it, but it was kinda slow, and I always got a better vibe from the pg loss board, except that I didn't want to talk about being pg on there. Actually, the pg/ttc tickers bother me a bit right now more than just talking about it, but I understand that you can't turn them off for certain boards, and if anybody has them I just scroll reeeally fast through the siggies! :blush:
I think if anyone gets pg, of course I will be a tad jealous, but we all know that's just the beginning of a scary ride. What I hope is that we all get to hold the beautiful babies we deserve.
As for what to expect from the board - I do think I have somewhat different emotions now than I did after the first mc. Then I was just emotionally devastated, and while it was very intense and in many ways worse than now, after this more recent loss I've started feeling like a bit of a freak, and really psychologically battered in a way that is new. The freak part is feeling like everyone IRL must think there's something wrong with me, since I'm young (25) and otherwise healthy, even though I know that mc happens to younger women all the time. The psychological part is just the stress of now seeing two six week old embryos while miscarrying. That was not something I ever wanted to see in my life, and I really don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand what that does to a person.
So at least I know that you ladies have been there too. That alone makes me feel better.
Sara

Rina42308 June 20th, 2006 03:34 AM

Right now I am having a really hard time with 1st time pregnant women who are all cheery and sunshine but I know none of us here are really ever able to have that again so I'm ok with announcements of pg on here...I think though that once someone does get a bfp, they should move the pg talk to the pg after loss board unless it relates to multiple losses. Does that make sense? Like if someone wants to talk about their fears, missing their last babies, etc that's cool but if it's to get into numbers and what the dr said, I don't think this is the place for it.
A subforum might be a good idea for those who are pg after multiple losses.
AS for ttc, i think the discussion of what that all means for us is an appropriate one here. I am with ya (whoever said it) about the ttc after loss sometimes seeming silly...I think it's women's way of trying to grasp some sense of normalcy and wanting that excitement all over again (like the first time). For me I have accepted that I will never have that...I will always be scared during ttc and when/if I ever get a bfp again and no amount of smiley happy faces bouncing around on a post will ever make me feel better. like you beck, I ahve felt a bit out of place before during my last pg and loss even...I felt no one understood me while I was pg and when I lost her of course everyone was sad for me but the implications of what this meant were so astronomical for me...I just don't know if it was even possible for anyone to tell me something comforting at that point.
I think that unfortunately we all share a similarity that this board can and will be a sense of support and strength unsurmonted to other boards.
I am grateful for you all being willing to share with me in this difficult experience.

wewantaminime June 20th, 2006 11:51 AM

I don't know how all the forums get set up and if it's a real chore, but I think we should have subforums for TTC after multiple m/c, as well PG after multiple m/c. I agree with the others, I have felt out of place in certain forums due to all my losses. So I want to be able to go somewhere with my fears without causing any grief for my friends.

4iris June 20th, 2006 01:17 PM

I agree with wewantaminime, to create subforums and limit those discussions to the subs. Several of the topics even on the loss board lately have been kind of painful for me to read, even the topic names themselves or the warnings remind me too much of what I don't have right now. As new ladies find their way to us, I don't want them to stumble across ttc/pg topics if their latest loss is still fresh. I'm all for subforums and hope to make use of them in the future.

1234rachael June 20th, 2006 02:22 PM

Hi Beck,
I wrote to you sometime ago. I am glad to see your back on the board
I hope the girls hear can help for you to find what it is that you need here support wise. I've read your feelings and you know I do understand what you've been thru because you know I've been their. I just wanted to reply thought I don't think I belong on this particular board ( I am hardly on to begin with) But I noticed that you posted and took the time to listen to your feelings.

You know even thought were not in the same places right now, that you can always pm me anytime I will listen

Miss ya lots, & Lots of love Rachael

Sharon June 21st, 2006 06:56 AM

Well, I kind of think talking about either wouldn't be a bad thing. It's a big issue with us because of our multiple losses. First, if we do decide to ttc again, no one else but someone who has lost several children would understand what a huge, huge decision that is. It's much harder than after you've lost one child.

Then about becoming pregnant...again, who else would understand not just the fears, but sometimes the very real terrors we might have after losing several children. Losing one child is (as someone already said on this board) bad, but there is still the hope of "oh, a lot of women m/c their first pregnancy - your Aunt Soandso did). Those of us who have gone way beyond that hope will not relax even a moment of any pregnancy we are able to accomplish. We need to be around women who understand the very different, more intense fears a woman with multipule m/c's would/will have.

I just feel that, after what we've each been through, we aren't going to be the same happy go lucky, wanting all the congratulations we can get kind of women, so I can't see any of us being gushy and goofy over a pregnancy...envious maybe, but even that would be tempered with a kind of "projected" fear - if I'm saying that right.

I guess, what I mean is, our experience is different and made us - as far as the ttc issue - much more serious women - and as such, I think any thing we'd say about the ttc and BFP issues would be posted for different reasons too - rather than the "be happy for me, we're pregnant" kind of post.

Hmmm, maybe I should just stop trying to explain my thoughts now...

Sarah-Jean June 21st, 2006 11:35 AM

I feel uncomfortable posting here now I must admit.

I've suffered multiple losses in the past and although I'e not had a miscarriage in either of my last two pregnancies, it's a constant worry and stress. I have so many complications during pregnancy and bundle on top of all that the fact I can't seem to carry the majority of my pregnancies to term and have constant nightmares about my children dying... It's hardly an enjoyable time for me.

I DON'T feel I fit in one other miscarriage boards, because I know from experience that people who've only suffered one loss never truely understand. And neither do people without children (as odd as that sounds). Because I've been on both sides of the fence and I gotta say - it's far, FAR scarier once you know what it is you're lossing. When you look at your young child who should be an older child and you see their pain and suffering too all because your stupid body can't do what it should do.....

And I kind of came here hoping that this was going to be a place to vent those feelings to people who understand, and to go through the scary process of TTC and hoping and praying it works. To talk about the horrible nightmares about your baby being ripped from your body, or stillborn, or just disappearing when you are pregnant. And then I read none of you are wanting to talk about these things?????

What exactly IS the point of this board then?

Sorry to moan, but I feel kind of disillusioned and uncomfortable now. If this was any other website I'd have just left and never come back, it's only because I KNOW this can be a supportive and friendly place that I'm still here at all.

SJ

Sharon June 21st, 2006 12:32 PM

Quote:

I feel uncomfortable posting here now I must admit.

I've suffered multiple losses in the past and although I'e not had a miscarriage in either of my last two pregnancies, it's a constant worry and stress. I have so many complications during pregnancy and bundle on top of all that the fact I can't seem to carry the majority of my pregnancies to term and have constant nightmares about my children dying... It's hardly an enjoyable time for me.

I DON'T feel I fit in one other miscarriage boards, because I know from experience that people who've only suffered one loss never truely understand. And neither do people without children (as odd as that sounds). Because I've been on both sides of the fence and I gotta say - it's far, FAR scarier once you know what it is you're lossing. When you look at your young child who should be an older child and you see their pain and suffering too all because your stupid body can't do what it should do.....

And I kind of came here hoping that this was going to be a place to vent those feelings to people who understand, and to go through the scary process of TTC and hoping and praying it works. To talk about the horrible nightmares about your baby being ripped from your body, or stillborn, or just disappearing when you are pregnant. And then I read none of you are wanting to talk about these things?????

What exactly IS the point of this board then?

Sorry to moan, but I feel kind of disillusioned and uncomfortable now. If this was any other website I'd have just left and never come back, it's only because I KNOW this can be a supportive and friendly place that I'm still here at all.

SJ[/b]
I am sorry you feel uncomfortable now...please don't go. I was surprised at the answers as well, but I'm thinking it may be because some of us are expecting the posts about ttc and pregnancy to be the kind that we've found in other boards - that's what I was trying to say in my previous post - that it would be a totally different tone if we did post about those things...I doubt it would feel the same (you know...gushy and silly and excited).

4iris June 21st, 2006 12:53 PM

Agreed, don't go. Beck asked us to be honest, so I was. My grief is pretty fresh, though, so I can just skip those posts or hang out in the general pg loss board until I'm ready to face the ttc/pg stuff again. I agree that we need a place to discuss it, wasn't trying to shoot that down.

wewantaminime June 21st, 2006 02:31 PM

Sarah-Jean, I think you may have miss-interpreted. We want to talk about those things but want to create subforums for us to discuss those TTC and PG fears. And I see you have a concern of feeling out of place b/c you do have children, and have felt loss on a different level than several of us have but we do have moms here who do have children and will understand your fears. So we do need and want you here to help overcome our challenges. The forum just started and we want to be sensitive to everyone. I hope you will visit us. :dothug:

lizard June 21st, 2006 04:33 PM

Quote:

I just feel that, after what we've each been through, we aren't going to be the same happy go lucky, wanting all the congratulations we can get kind of women, so I can't see any of us being gushy and goofy over a pregnancy...envious maybe, but even that would be tempered with a kind of "projected" fear - if I'm saying that right.[/b]
Quote:

And I kind of came here hoping that this was going to be a place to vent those feelings to people who understand, and to go through the scary process of TTC and hoping and praying it works. To talk about the horrible nightmares about your baby being ripped from your body, or stillborn, or just disappearing when you are pregnant. And then I read none of you are wanting to talk about these things?????[/b]

After reading those, maybe I was thinking about things wrong. What I am worried about is what I have seen before where someone will make 1 post about their m/c and then the next month they are p/g again; or where they post and then come back to update how their p/g is going even though they don't seem to have anything to worry about. Since I have read the posts following mine, I see that things should (will) be different here, as I don't really see the posts that will be here as excitement posts, but as worrisome posts.

I hope you don't leave, Sarah-Jean. We just want to be careful so that anyone who comes here for support doesn't feel uncomfortable. That is why we are getting everyone's opinions so that we can be sensitive to those who might visit here.

LuckyOne June 24th, 2006 01:48 PM

I probably shouldn't be posting on here since I haven't had multiple losses, but I felt I would still give my opinion on a few things.

I think you guys are right--- I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and your partners are going through. In fact, I don't even think I could take another loss.

However, when I first had the mc I didn't even know which forum to post in. I had previously hung out w/ the Unplanned Pregnancy ladies b/c of a pregnancy scare I had experienced a few months before. I ended up posting in Pregnancy After Loss. I got some icy treatment from the ladies over there, and I understand NOW, but not when I was lost and didn't even know what was happening with my body or that i was posting in the wrong place. I only had my fiance to talk to about the whole ordeal and I needed to talk to someone because I was so lost and scared and just wanting one person to say it's okay, and give me some comforting words. One person replied from the Preg Aft. Loss forum, but I still felt like it was so Taboo to even mention the mc. I later found the Pregnancy Loss forum and was able to post and Beck gave me some very comforting words and she's probably given me the best advice I could ever receive when it comes to the mc and coping. In other words, what I'm trying to say is....Don't forget how you felt the second or third time you got pregnant or were ttc and had all of those fears all over again.

I think anyone that comes into this forum will know not to sit there and do a baby journal when we or you have lost your own little angels...I don't think any of us would do that knowing the pain our friends bare.
Also, if it's taboo to talk about whatever maybe someone could say, "hey, you know I think the ladies at "XXX XXX forum" could really help you with that, they provide great advice" or something along those lines? Yes, I'm still embarrassed about posting over there! :rolleyes:
Anyway, I'll get out of your forum now. Thanks for listening to my jabbering! :lol:

Nykoal June 26th, 2006 09:54 AM

I think this forum is special and unique. We all know first hand the pain associated with loss and after multiple losses it's completely different from 1 loss. With that being said...I'm already seeing a bond take place and I've only been posting here since today.

I too felt out of place in other boards.
* I don't fit in with the TTC 1st Child because I've been trying to TTC #1 for almost 6 years and I don't want to scare anybody.
* I didn't feel like I fit in with the Pg After Loss because once I found out my 2nd pg was implanted correctly I figured I was out of the woods and felt free to enjoy my pg and didn't really have any of the fears.
* Joining a DDC is scary because my fears are so different than those who have never experienced a loss or had just one.

Where am I going with this? Even though I just went through my 2nd loss a month ago, I'm okay with talking about TTC and PG if it's within context of the board (i.e. expressing fears, encouraging each other, etc, but not dealing with OPK's, charting, etc).

To be honest...I don't think the women here are the type to gloat and flaunt their pg if they are blessed with the chance again, so I'm hoping we won't have to deal with that.

It's so true what Sharon said, we are more wise now and have weathered our share of battles, and that alone brings an understanding and respect that we share with each other. We're not naive anymore and can't ever get that back. The fact that we got pg again after a loss shows us that we are set and determined to have a child and I think that TTC and PG is apart of the healing journey. It's just that we all reach that a different points in this process but we're sensitive to others.

I'm already seeing the tone of this board and it seems to be about moving on and determination, whereas the Pg Loss board is more about making it through the first loss or dealing with the questions associated with a loss. It seems to be a stopping area and once they are feeling better they move on to other forums, or people post there to ask a question but don't really invest of themselves.

I was one of those who used the Pg Loss board after my 1st loss and then moved on. I thought it was a 1 time thing but now my losses have been woven into the fabric of my life and it's starting to define my outlook on life. I also felt leary about posting my thoughts and feelings because I didn't feel a connection with anybody, and so I used it more so as a place to vent and that's it. Even after my 2nd loss I didn't really post a lot there because my thoughts and fears were different.

I also think subforums are okay if that's what people want. If we're going to do that perhaps we could have one for those for us who don't have any children since that alone brings a whole other dimension to this journey. We never know if our bodies know what to do while pg, and each loss is a crushing blow and a constant reminder of what we can't have yet.

I'm fine with whatever the forum decides and can honestly say I already feel more at home here in 1 day than I have on any other forum since I started coming to JM. I truly appreciate the open and honest discussions that I've seen and been apart of, and look forward to getting to know everybody a bit more.

As an aside note: This forum is also special in that most of us know each other from other forums so it's like we can pick up where we were never able to venture before.


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