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-   -   Rough night (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/236070-rough-night.html)

beck12 June 24th, 2006 12:03 PM

Last night I was here - looking for a particular post. on a board...and so I used one of the search options. In the search one of the many posts that came up was from the Nov 2005 playroom. I thought I was okay to take a peak. Maybe I was...I was scrolling down - looking at babies - thinking about how big my twins would be now..nealry 9month (maybe 10 since twins often are born 4 wks early)..and then I read.... <_< I shouldn't have - the thread was about someone being pg...and then I read more - they were discussing all the women from that group that are pg again. Silly me - I was shocked. :( Some of those women are futher along that I would be even if I had carried this last baby to term.. so me are due by Sept. I don't wish them ill - it just felt somehow like another kick to the head. How could I nor realize that so many of them will have 2 baies before I even have 1? Why did I expect it to be different. Why did I even read it?

Then my sis calls. We haven't had an easy time of it since my losses. Her Dh is infertile & she knew that before they were even dating seriously. Now she wants to somehow think that is the same as what I have beenm dealing with. (Just giving some background). She relies very heavily on my parents for stuff...and my mom & her siblings are currently selling my grasndparents' farm...they've been gone 35yrs now & the house had been vacant, etc. So my sis says that my mom is going ot give us each $1,000 (sis had asked her what they were going to do with my money & God help me, I thought of course she would be interested in where the money is going). I started to bawl. I couldn't help it. I know it's silly - but I did. What the hell is $1,000 going to do for me? I have medical bills that far exceed that. ANything I want to do from here (IF we chose IVF - which I would doubt..but if we chose to adopt..which we probably will do eventually) - $1,000 isn't a drop in the bucket for anything i need & will be chewed up in 30 seconds on bills & I don't want my "inherentance" going there. So my sis tells me to calm down & that I don't have to spend it on bills & stuff she was thinking we should each maybe buy a piece of jewelry..something heirloom - perhaps to hand down, <_< Hand down? To WHO!!!!

It just got worse from there. Then she thought I should come over & hang out by the fire pit with her & have a beer & chill. HSe said she could see I was stressed, etc. I just got off the phone...I couldn't even tlak. I felt like my reaction was a bit extreme. I have been on the road all week for work & am going abck out next week. I am tired. I am stressed as the company I worl for isn't doing very well financially & ny boss is nuts. I want to have babies here alerady - bot be wondering what the hell I am goinf ot do next & I want to be able to get $ from my parents & not think it's worthless in helping fix anything & too extravagant to do anything else with it. I have never received any money like that from anyone at any time for anything. I paid for my own wedding - I have been on my own since 18 & the first time anyone is offering something free & clear & I feel ungrateful because all I can seem to feel is how pointless it is to give it to me. :( I jsut feel like it should go to someone where $1,000 could make a difference.

Ph well - it's probably not even about that - it's probably about a lot of things I haven't even figured out yet.

Thanks for the vent. I tried to post it last night - but I wasn't even sure if it made sense. Today I thought it did - but I could still be wrong - who knows?

calicocat June 24th, 2006 01:50 PM

Sometimes dealing with family is worse than dealing with strangers--I am all too familiar as well!

I am sending a prayer for peace your way, and some :dothug:

lizard June 24th, 2006 06:36 PM

:dothug: I'm sorry that you had to come to the realization about some people having 2 babies before you would have one. We all know that it is a possibility for that to happen, but it doesn't seem so real until you see it in black and white. When I was at the p/g loss board earlier, I noticed a post that said "I would have been 20 weeks today". When I read it she mentioned about being in the November DDC, and it hit me "Wow, that would have been me." It makes me sad, and I didn't even realize that I would have been that far along by now until I saw it in black and white.

Quote:

I want to be able to get $ from my parents & not think it's worthless in helping fix anything & too extravagant to do anything else with it. I have never received any money like that from anyone at any time for anything. I paid for my own wedding - I have been on my own since 18 & the first time anyone is offering something free & clear & I feel ungrateful because all I can seem to feel is how pointless it is to give it to me. sad.gif I jsut feel like it should go to someone where $1,000 could make a difference.[/b]
I think that visiting the Playroom just complicated matters for you last night. I wish I could offer you some great words of advice like you always seem to have for everyone else, but you always seem to figure things out after thinking about them for awhile.

:dothug:

4iris June 24th, 2006 08:40 PM

Oh, Beck, what a truly tough time. :dothug: Way too many different things going on in your head right now. I'm sure you'd tell me not to think about all of them at once or to try to focus on dealing with one at a time. Sounds like this isn't the right time for you to make any decisions about the money. Maybe you can put it in savings until you think of just the right thing to do with it.

We've got lots of bills, too, so whenever we get our tax refund, we think of one fun thing to do with some of it and use the rest toward bills. Maybe you could get a stone or statue (a faerie, perhaps) or bench for your memorial garden with some of it and then use the rest to help with bills.

Hope you get some rest and get feeling better soon. Don't forget your laptop this week so we can be here for you.

beck12 June 25th, 2006 12:27 AM

Thank you all sooooo mcuh for your replies. I am still struggling with it & I can't understand why it cuts so deep. And I had to laugh 4Iris when you said I'd probably tell you not to think of all those things at once - because I knew you were right. It was a good dose of reality. :P I don't have to decide now - and unfortuantely those same bills will be here for a while - so I can think about it. <_<

I tried to tlak itthrough with Joel a bit htis evening & I started into crying again - so I just went & took a nap (as Joel suggested) and I did wake up feeling better - but now it's 3:30am nearly & here I am fairly awake :blink: . I took a benadryl & I think it's starting to kick in - thank goodness - so hopefullly I will be just doing a little reading here & then off to sleep.


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