I posted this on the regular pregnancy loss board and realized that maybe it is more suitable for this one instead:
I had a d&c 5 years ago and a natural m/c 4 years ago. But I feel like I'm still lost and grieving...
There are some days that this calendar pops up in my head, and somehow calculates exactly how old my girls would have been, like when I see a mother and daughter playing in a park, or that little girl in the supermarket grabs my leg in line because she confused me with her mom for a second. It feels like my heart breaks a little more each time...
I'm now 5 wks pregnant and things feel kind of shaky... I can't imagine what it would be like to lose another child... And this probably sounds awful, but I'm not sure I want this child... I think I do, but I feel like I don't deserve to have children now because I must have done SOMETHING wrong to have lost the others.
Is it normal for me to feel this way so long after the losses? Is anger and guilt a normal, warranted experience? Does anyone have any advice for how to move on?
First - I am so sorry for your losses. I can't speak from being as far down the road as you are, as it has been just over a year since my first loss. But I can tell you what has helped me in moving toward healing in hopes something in there might help you.
I don't know what your life was like at the times that you mc'd. Often times it seems that what happens "around" a loss is just as important in the healing process as anything else. For instance it is easy to see that healing probably would be easier with a loving supportive partner than if the father didn't want the baby to begin with & didn't think the mc was a big deal. :confused: So depending on what other things might have been hurtful to you at the same time as you were experiencing your losses, that can also work against allowing you to move on. Then, sometimes we bury things. We don't acknowledge them because we don't have a safe place where we feel respected & understood, so we hide them away - and they stay there, stuck inside of us...until something happens to wakes them up in a wy we can no longer ignore them (like being pg again).
It's difficult to say hun with only really having the one post to be able to give good advice that might work for you. For me, healing came from many things & has taken time - and I am still working on it. I just recently had a very tough few days - but am now working toward feeling better again. For me the healing came mostly through 2 things....doing something to recognize the losses (in my case a memorial garden) & in meditation. I think healing is an active process & that it doesn't "happen" in time, but it takes time to take enough steps to bring healing about..if that makes sense.
I wish I could tell you something more specific - and given more time, more posts, I amy be able to be more helpful. I wish you all hte best in your healing & in htis pg. Please do not think you don't deserve this. Of course you deerve to be happy & you have nothing to feel guilty about. Loss happens most often with no explanation & no clear cut cause. You do not need to blame yourself or think you somehow deserved it. It is normal to have soem guilt I suppose, but you need to work through it & remind yourself that it is NOT your fault. As far as anger - I am pretty sure everyone experiences that for varying amounts of time & severity. I have been very angry at times. Right now I don't feel that particularly so deeply anymore - but I cannot promise it won't come back. I think I have resolved it - but I have thought that before & one thing my losses have taught me is that I cannot know for certain anything about what I will think or feel - so I am flexible & forgiving to myself & try to do hte best I can.
I am glad you have decided to join us & I hope you find it to be healing. Best wishes.
Thank you so much for your post, beck12... I honestly didn't say more about circumstances because I was afraid of being judged or pitied. But I think it's safe enough to tell more...
I was actually pregnant at ages 14 and 15, and both pregnancies were fathered by someone who never should have been sexual with me at all. So, perhaps needless to say, the father did NOT want either baby. I, however, felt a connection to the children the minute I realized I was pregnant. I wanted both of them more than anything in the world... And was completely devastated when I lost them. There was absolutely no support around the physical or emotional pain I was in. I have been high risk since the very first pregnancy due to some medical issues of my own, and over 16 wks into my first pregnancy I started bleeding. I don't remember the details, but I hadn't even told my parents I was pregnant because I was afraid of what they might make me do. I went for a d&c shortly after I started bleeding, and, at a naive 14 years old, just kept thinking that I had just killed someone... I think that has stayed with me since that dreadful day... As for the second m/c, I was 15. And I m/c'd naturally at 12 weeks. I had to have my best friend at the time bring me to the hospital because my parents refused to do so. To this day, she still doesn't know what was wrong or why I asked her to bring me. I was just so ashamed.
I didn't get to really deal with either loss until just about a year ago when I told my therapist--the first person I've ever really gotten to talk to about any of it...
But I guess I just didn't expect it to be effecting me so much given how long ago it was. I almost feel like I was handling things better when I WASN'T talking about it than I am now that I can talk about it. And maybe I'm just pushing myself too much since it seems that I really just began my grieving process...
I don't know. I'm just so scared and confused. :frown: Thanks again, though.
I think what you now have shared offers a lot of info as to why you would be so heavily grieving now. You were never really allowed to grieve at the time...and now you have a new issue that brings up a lot of old feelings. As much as it may feel that counselling is upsetting, it is only addressing issues that exist already & they all catch up to us eventually...so it is best to face them on our own terms rather than have them catch us when we may be less prepared... It would be nice if we could just move on. It just doesn't work that way. :confused:
I am very sorry you came into womanhood with all that turmoil in your life. I can't even imagine how anyone at that age should be expected to deal with such things. It is difficult at best under the best of circumstances. I am also so terribly sorry you didn't have more love & support from your parents. I think it explains A LOT about why you might be feeling guilt - as it sounds as you were made to feel bad & carry the burden of the entire situation alone. :(
I know you are feeling a lot of things right now. Try to patient with the process. Now that you have opened yourself to being willing to look at those wounds, it will take time to heal & it is okay to rehash all of it. You can't even call it rehashing anyway - because for much of it - it may be your first time being in a good enough place to be strong enough to deal with it perhaps for the first time. Be proud of your strength & that you have made it through this far. I kow you don't feel strong when your insides seem to be coming apart - but it's far from true. Getting counselling - coming here - this all shows your strength in reaching out & getting your heart healed. Also - it shows how much you do deserve to be happy - it shows you are trying to heal yourself so that you can be ready to be a mom.
I wish I could offer you more - if you need anything - please pm me anytime - I'll help in any way I can.
Sending you much love-
I can't imagine having to live through the experience that led to your early pregnancies, much less losing each of them with no support from your family. You must be a very strong woman to be where you are now. I'm very glad you have a therapist you can trust and talk to. Grief is such an individual thing and can be affected by so many other things, like Beck said, that it can take time to work through it.
I'm sorry for your losses, but glad that you are comfortable opening up to us. Everyone here has been an incredible support to me and though I hate seeing how many women have lost babies, I'm glad we've found a place we can share together. I pray that this pregnancy goes smoothly and that you find peace for yourself and your angels.
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