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-   -   Introducing Myself (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f256-recurrent-miscarriage-and-pregnancy-loss/2449412-introducing-myself.html)

BeckyBozeman November 15th, 2011 07:23 PM

Introducing Myself
 
Hi ladies,

My name is Becky, DF is Adam, and I'm just finishing up my 2nd loss. It was my second pregnancy. My first loss was in July of this year at 11 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage and the baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks. I had felt really good about this pregnancy. With my first I was uneasy the whole time and not hugely surprised when I lost him. With this one I felt great and was sure it was going to stick.

Thursday, after DF and I DTD, I started bleeding. There was quite a bit of blood right after, but it immediately tapered off into spotting. I had an u/s scheduled for Tuesday, so I took a couple days off of work and put myself on bedrest. Then on Saturday evening I started having pains. I at first convinced myself that it was gas pains. But they were coming pretty regularly and nothing seemed to help. I finally fell asleep and hoped it would all be better in the morning. I woke up at around 4 am in severe pain. I suffered through it for about 20 minutes and then felt something let go and had a gush. So I woke up DF and said that we needed to go to the ER.

I hated the thought of the ER. I have a midwife and have not been to a doctor for either of my pregnancies. I trust her and didn't want to get bad news in the cold sterility of an ER. But I knew that I needed to know and that if there was still a baby there was something seriously wrong. So we went. The folks at the ER were actually really great, but they found that once again there was no heartbeat. They sent me home with pain meds to try and pass everything naturally again. After 48 hours of pain I finally did so.

My midwife has referred me to an OB that I'm seeing on the 30th. She's pretty convinced that my losses are due to a hormonal issue. I'm hoping that's true and that there will be an easy fix.

Right now I'm feeling a little guilty because in some ways this loss feels easier than the first one. Maybe because I've now been through it and kind of knew what to expect? But I'm really scared that I'll never be able to have this. I'll be 37 in December, and this year is the first time I've ever been pregnant... I've always wanted kids, but never before been with someone that I wanted to have them with. And now I'm afraid my body won't cooperate....

ZoeChloeMommy November 15th, 2011 08:00 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
Welcome to RPL, I am sorry you are here with us. I hope that the OB is able to give you some insite on to why you keep having losses.

plan4fate November 15th, 2011 09:23 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
I'm sorry to welcome you to RPL. I'm Ashley, one of your co-hosts. I'm 28 and have had 8 miscarriages.

I'm glad your Midwife is very quick to try and get you extra help to get and stay pregnant. Hopefully the OB will be able to run some tests and get you some answers! Make sure they check you for Clotting disorders!!

ShesaDreamer November 16th, 2011 04:52 AM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that your DR can figure out what is going on. I'm Elizabeth I'm 23 and have had 4 miscarraiges (one was twins) And I can understand the feeling that sone loss is easier than the other. Our middle losses I knew we weren't really in a place for more kids. But with our first and our last We were. So they hurt more.

LisaB November 16th, 2011 08:35 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. :( I really hope the OB figures out what's going on.

I felt the same way about my 2nd loss - I was SO sure everything would be fine, since doctors told me my first miscarriage was a fluke. It turned out I made "bad" eggs, which I found out after a karyotype on miscarriage #3. We later did IVF with PGD to screen out the bad eggs, which was successful. Later I had a baby totally on my own, wasn't even trying. It happens! Hugs!

BeckyBozeman November 16th, 2011 09:52 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
Thanks ladies...

I'm feeling so defeated right now... My birthday is in two weeks and it's the day I would have been twelve weeks. And my first due date is January 29, coming right up... so now I get to look forward to the holidays, not as an expectant mom, but as a woman who has to wonder if I'm ever going to be a mom. I'm so scared. I can buy one miscarriage as a fluke, but two, at roughly the same time, has to mean there's something wrong. What if it's not fixable? What if I can't give my fiance children? I know we'll be okay, that even if it comes to adopting we can do that. But I want this so badly.

plan4fate November 16th, 2011 10:06 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
OMG Becky i just realized who you are!!!!! You were trying to plan your wedding around being very pregnant! I feel so awful I didn't put two and two together. :cries:

**HUGS**

I hope the doctor can find something easy and help get you pregnant! Are you guys going to keep trying or wait and give it a go after your wedding?

BeckyBozeman November 16th, 2011 11:42 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
No worries Ashley... unfortunately there are way too many of us on this board with losses.

I'm not sure what we'll do. I'm still feeling a sense of urgency, but this time it's a little tempered by wanting to find out if there's something we can do. So I suppose that we're reserving judgement until we see the OB on the 30th. I'm guessing that we'll probably start trying again as soon as we get the ok.

BeckyBozeman November 17th, 2011 01:21 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
So I spoke way too soon... this is not easier than last time. Last time I could believe I just lost the lottery on the numbers and had some chromosomal problems. Now there's obviously something wrong with me.

I'm depressed... I'm off work for the week, but I'll have to go back on Monday. The ER doc gave me pain meds, but I'm only taking them at night, so I can sleep. For some reason the cramping seems to be worse at night. I've passed the gestational sac and placenta, but seem to be passing a lot more big chunks of tissue. During the day I have cramping and soreness, but it's not as bad and I've been drinking wine to take the edge off.

I hate this so much.... I hate feeling this way. I hate the fear that makes me not want to face life again. I hate the worry that I see in my fiance's face. I hate the thought of going through this over and over again.

But I'm grateful for the support I have. I'm grateful for a midwife that is proactive and wants us to be successful. I'm grateful to have this place where I can vent these poisonous feelings and be understood.

And I'm sad for all of us...

geogeek November 17th, 2011 06:40 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
I am so saddened to hear of your losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :dothug:

esparando para bebé November 19th, 2011 10:10 AM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
:dothug: I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm Augie, the other cohost. DH and I have had four losses and are no longer trying for a biological child.

LisaB November 20th, 2011 09:36 PM

Re: Introducing Myself
 
I'm so sorry :( :( :( I can feel your heartbreak from here! I wish we women going through this didn't have to deal with so many unknowns. It's frightening and isolating, in a way. Because it's hard to talk about miscarriage with most people.

I really hope your doctor can start you on fertility testing early - I hate the 3x m/c rule. In the meantime, maybe you could prepare by reading through the testing/procedures thread. Good luck!


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