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-   -   Can I join? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f198-stillbirth/513947-can-i-join.html)

luvnallmyboys March 24th, 2007 11:17 PM

Hi ladies. First off, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost twin boys, but they were not stillborn which is why I'm not sure I belong here. Gavyn lived a day, and Colton lived for two. My boys were born at 24 weeks while I had general anesthesia for my c-section. I never got to see them born, and was only in the NICU that night for truly five minutes. I was on morphine and I don't think I was thinking clearly. They had told us everything was ok with them, and I felt so helpless standing by them when I couldn't even see their faces for all the tape and tubes. So, I saw my first son once before he died, and never touched him alive. They brought his body to us in the hospital room and that was the time I had to get to know him. My second son died soon after that, but thank God I spent about 40 minutes with him before he died, once again not touching him because of how thin his skin was and because of stimulating him too much. We knew he had a sever brain bleed and was only alive because of the vent so we made the decision to take him off. We were given the option of holding him down in the NICU or having him brought to our room. The NICU was crowded and I couldn't imagine doing it there, so I had him brought to me. I was so shocked. I never, ever thought that they would have to sedate him to remove the vent and everything, so I was totally unprepared for him to look and feel just like his brother did. His heart was only beating 2 or 3 times a minute, so basically I never held him alive either. The only pictures I have where you can see anything are the ones the hospital took after they had died, and only of Gavyn then. Coltons got lost or were never taken.


Because of all this, I don't feel like the loss of a child board is right for me. They all have memories that I can never have, and its very sad for me since that has been the hardest thing to deal with. I could have been with them more, but between the drugs, my own emotions, and being told they were doing well I chose not to, and I can't undo that. I was also terrified my stress would somehow be bad for them to be around.

It has been almost 3 years since they died, and most of the time I'm much better but sometimes I still need to talk about them and feel like I'm not alone. Everyone else in my life has moved on and I wouldn't feel right calling up a friend who never lost a baby and retelling the story for the 1000th time.

My problem with being here is that I did still get my boys for a little while. I still have some memories of them moving, and while I could still be hopeful they would be ok. If I'm not comfortable on the loss of a child board, why should you all be comfortable with me here? Please, please, please be honest about it. I would never want to be here if it would make anyone sad, ever. I won't be offended at all, I understand your feeling on the matter completely.

claire1979 March 25th, 2007 02:35 AM

hunnie of course you are welcome here ...im so very sorry for your losses .....please keep posting x x x

Melissa02909 March 25th, 2007 05:21 AM

Sorry for you losses. It's hard enough losing sone but two at the same time. I cannot imagine. I believe any child 'lost' after 20 weeks is considered stillborn. Besides, I don't think anyone would turn you away...

Melissa

*Krissy* March 25th, 2007 06:30 AM

I have always wondered if I would belong here too. In 2001, I had a little girl, Mackenzie, at 24 weeks. She lived for 2 1/2 hours. I never really knew where I should post about her.

jhmomofmany March 25th, 2007 08:48 AM

Our first baby was born at 25 weeks. Thankfully he survived, but I imagine if he had died within a short time of birth, I would feel as you two do (I don't know, of course, but I think so). So I think of course if this is where you are comfortable, then this is where you belong. :smile:

I am so very sorry for your losses, both of you. Every time I am hurting I pray for all who have suffered the loss of a baby.

Brittanie March 25th, 2007 05:37 PM

Of course you belong here! I have no problem whatsoever with you posting here. Here's the way I think about it: You got to see your sons born and alive for a while, but in the end, I still got my baby longer than you did (38w1d).

And in the end, we all lost our babies.

:dothug: to you (and nahjeh too). I'm sorry that you have reason to join us, but I hope you can find some comfort here.

Mom2LinaNangels March 26th, 2007 09:29 AM

so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. You are welcome here anytime! There are wonderful women here. Congrats on the new pregnancy and your sub bub. My sub will be 3 in August and I am pregnant.

Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy March 28th, 2007 04:02 AM

I thank you for coming and sharing your stories with us - all are welcome here. The pain is just as real as though the baby was stilborn. I can't imagine how it felt to lose two and not being able to hold them or touch them alive must of been soo hard.

ojosmom March 28th, 2007 01:29 PM

Wow, you poor woman, I am so sorry for your losses. I know the guilt part too, I think we all do. Think maybe we could have or should have done something different would it have changed anything.. I am so sorry you had to lose two babies. How awful for you and your family.
Did you post pictures? I would love to see them.

Absolutely, of course you are welcome here. We all are and we all have pain that sometimes can be best dealt with from people who have been there before.

I gave birth to a little baby girl at 17 weeks, so it is technically a "late miscarraige". Well, I felt her kick inside my belly most of my labor and held her in my arms and cry for her all the time still. Our stories are all a bit different, but the pain of losing a baby is just a pain that can't be measured and can't be understood unless you have been there.

Welcome to the board and I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found it.

MyAngelHayden April 1st, 2007 08:47 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't find any reason as to why you can not post here. Welcome. (((HUGS)))

Heather

luvnallmyboys April 4th, 2007 10:20 PM

Ladies thank you all so much for the wonderful welcome! It seems this is a wonderfully caring board. I guess such a common bond does that. I don't know how often I'll be able to be on here. Pregnancy makes me miss my boys more, and while I should be on here more often as a result, sometimes I just want to try to ignore what happened! Thank you so much, and I look forward to getting to know you all better!

ojosmom April 10th, 2007 05:58 PM

I know what you mean. I make sure to come on here though in case I can be of support or help to someone who might need it.


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