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-   -   TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f114-trying-to-conceive-after-loss/2640239-ttc-after-loss-how-did-you-make-decision.html)

islandbaby April 3rd, 2013 11:01 AM

TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
I'm sure for some it was clearcut if you were already ttc and had a loss. I guess I could see that being much easier than the position I'm in. We were not ttc at all with this last pregnancy that I lost a few weeks ago. It came as a huge surprise to us, but once we got over the initial shock of it, we were really excited. I was especially excited and happy since I have always truly wanted 3 kids. Having two girls already, I thought this was my miracle baby.

I am rather torn as to where to go from here. Of course I can make a list of pros and cons. It's not easy to try to go back to life before, when I wasn't planning a baby and content with my two girls and the life we had. Life has changed now. The possibility of a third baby had presented itself making our world look completely different. I honestly don't know whether to now actively ttc or to just accept what has happened, deal with it and try to go back to life as it was before.

Of course my husband as well as I have worries now. What if this happens again? Could I cope with that? My husband worries more now about what if something worse happens? Is the risk greater than the reward or the reward greater than the risk? So many 'what if's?' to deal with :(

I'm just curious how others here made the decision to ttc after a loss?

mommamindy April 3rd, 2013 11:20 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
We had planned to try for another down the road, but not as quickly as it happened. So we were surprised to find out we were expecting but quickly got excited about it. The loss was devasting. I knew right away that I had a hole there and truly felt like it wouldn't be filled until we conceived again. My husband has had worries but really wants another child as well and we didn't feel like waiting would have any benefits, so we decided to go for it. Of course, we've found it harder to ttc now that we're actually trying, whereas all of our other pregnancies we weren't. Each cycle we don't conceive makes us realize how much more we want it. I guess that's my experience.

geogeek April 3rd, 2013 11:25 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
With my first loss, we were not TTC. It was before we ever had any kids. We chose to just wait. We weren't ready. After a few years we lost a few more pregnancies back to back. We were TTC our first child. After 2 more back to back after Marsi, we know we want more kids so we trudge on and hope for the best. It is a very hard and personal decision. I have friends that said that if they were to go through what I go through, they would have adopted. I have other friends that are doing more for a baby than I would. I hope you are comfortable with whatever decision you make.

momology April 3rd, 2013 11:34 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
We were already actively TTC our first so we just knew as soon as it was possible we would begin again. That being said I am still a little nervous about it now and I know DH is concerned as well because it was such a hard thing to go through, but we know we want children so we will continue to TTC as soon as possible. I agree with the other ladies - it is a hard personal decision and I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you and your family soon. :hug:

smsturner April 3rd, 2013 11:42 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Hi honey. :)
I will be honest and say I've secretly been hoping you might try again, so maybe we can do it together. But that's totally silly and selfish of me ;) Ignore me. lol

Seriously, I would have a hard time deciding in your spot. I'm still so sorry. Having a miracle appear and then zapped away is so hard :(
I know what we will do, but only because we've tried at this so long. We really want a baby together (at first we really wanted two together, but time marches on...). Even sad and risking a loss again seems worth it to us.

On the total scientific, medical, no feelings side.
The dr says at 10 weeks, it was still a 5% chance of loss. Most women don't get that 5% bad chance twice in a row. In fact, having one loss at this time does NOT increase your chances of losing another pregnancy, you will have the same odds as when you had your girls, or this pregnancy. Those are still pretty good odds if you ask me! :)
If you think you might, talk to your dr. Most dr's will not recommend testing after only having one loss, but I would ask your dr what they think. Maybe there's a couple blood tests that could help you fix anything little that could be wrong.

If you do decide to go for it, make sure to talk to your dr about some extra monitoring to help your anxiety when you get your next bfp. (My dr started at 6 weeks and did one every other week to make me feel good and keep on eye on things)

Whatever you decide, I will always be around with hugs and encouragement!! :) I hope you are really happy with whatever decision you make.

lelila April 3rd, 2013 11:47 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
It doesn't matter if you are trying or not. It's devastating to anyone with love in their heart.

That being said, how do start TTCing again? When do you decide you've had enough? That is between you and your faith.

Personally, I don't have time to wait until I'm ready again. We ran out of time about 5 years ago and have been praying for a miracle for a long time now. Unfortunately, I don't believe anyone is listening and that is my own misfortune.

islandbaby April 3rd, 2013 11:50 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by smsturner (Post 27254169)
Hi honey. :)
I will be honest and say I've secretly been hoping you might try again, so maybe we can do it together. But that's totally silly and selfish of me ;) Ignore me. lol

I'm not going to ignore you, lol....I've been secretly hoping the same thing (about us doing it together! LOL) :) I just figure at this rate, I probably do want to give my body a few months to heal and maybe start ttc again in June/July (if we decide to ttc) That way I figure it would give my husband a few months to deal with this and get used to the idea!

daolive14 April 3rd, 2013 12:21 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
I find myself weighing the "what-if" versus the "what-could-be" and TTC always wins. We were not trying for another with our first loss, but it solidified, for me, how much I want another child - I see another child in our family. Before the losses, I worried about ages/spacing, when would their birthday be, etc. and now I know that I just don't care about any of that. It's a feeling that is hard to put in to words, and now the actual "trying" and having setbacks and I still question "do I do this?" It is such a very personal decision and the path is different for everyone. I regret more the things that i have not done in life than the things that i have done and I feel that way about TTC right now. So I guess my best advice is follow your heart and see where it leads you. All the best to you!

smsturner April 3rd, 2013 12:42 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lelila (Post 27254179)
It doesn't matter if you are trying or not. It's devastating to anyone with love in their heart.

Definitely. No one should have to do it. Trying or not :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarmomma3 (Post 27254187)
I'm not going to ignore you, lol....I've been secretly hoping the same thing (about us doing it together! LOL) :) I just figure at this rate, I probably do want to give my body a few months to heal and maybe start ttc again in June/July (if we decide to ttc) That way I figure it would give my husband a few months to deal with this and get used to the idea!

Well if you do go there, don't worry about me being gone already, my body does things so slow, I'm sure I'll still be trying when you are ready :)

Maybe hubby should go to the dr with you if you talk about it with the dr. He can hear for himself that your odds for miscarriage are not higher, and that a healthy pregnancy is much more likely than another loss. :) Just a thought....


Big hugs again honey. I hope you two can decide and feel good about it whichever way you go :)

xbubblesgop0px April 3rd, 2013 01:03 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Well I lost a baby boy in may 2011 at nearly 20 weeks. That was a huge blow although we weren't really actively trying but we weren't preventing. In October 2011 we had another devastating loss when we suffered a miscarriage. All this time later I just now really feel ready to try for our rainbow baby for the first cycle ttc & I am expecting ovulation this week!! I have made the decision with my s.o. Because before I longed for a baby, felt incredibly jealous & envious of ladies with new babies or baby bumps or even those who just got a bfp!! Now I genuinely feel god will bless me with a rainbow baby in the right time & I feel extremely positive about this cycle!

Lilly Ryan April 3rd, 2013 07:53 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
We were actively TTC but I didn't realize just HOW much I wanted a baby until I lost mine.

The whole ordeal was gut wrenching and I think it was made harder for me by the fact that I wasn't allowed to start TTC again straight away. After my doctor diagnosed the molar pregnancy, I was told to wait 6 months from the time my hCG levels dropped to zero before TTC again.

For me, the decision whether or not to try again was easy. I knew that it would be the only way that I would be able to heal over my MC. Being in medical limbo is horrible and every month that went by felt like such a waste of a good egg. The turning point in my depression came when I opted to ignore my doctor's advice and decided to TTC again after 4 months rather than 6. Since making that decision, I have felt so much better. I still grieve over my loss but I feel like at least I am able to TRY again and it gives me some hope. DH and I do worry that it could happen again but we both want a family so it's a risk we are willing to take.

The whole decision is highly personal and only you know what is best for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world.

:dothug:

anothermother April 3rd, 2013 08:12 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
When we first knew we were going to lose our Everleigh at 17 weeks in December I instantly told DH, and he agreed, that we was done. I didn't want to try again. I couldn't imagine going through morning sickness again, possibly losing another baby, etc. We were already so far out of the baby stage. Starting over was just so overwhelming.

By the time we found out we actually lost her, I said maybe another year or two. But not right away.

The night we left the hospital after the induction I told DH I wanted to try again this summer. He wasn't so sure. He thought it was too soon for him.

Within a week we both came to the realization we wanted to try again right away. A lot of it had to do with watching DH with our 7 month old nephew. I couldn't imagine just being done with the baby stage after seeing that. And he came to that same realization while holding him that night.

It's super scary. I'm waaaaay more paranoid this time around than I ever was before. And I definitely think we are done after this one because I just didn't realize how hard it would be emotionally. Granted, I realize some of it may be because we did get pregnant again right away. But still....

For us it came down to, not replacing her, but realizing we had SO much love to give a baby. We realized that no matter how scary another pregnancy would be IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. It's kinda like when a person loses there spouse after many, many years marries again. They don't marry again because they want to replace this person. They marry again because the joy they had with that person was so worth it despite the pain and heartache of losing that person. And to feel any sort of joy like that again was a way to honor them.

It gives me hope. Not to replace my baby. Believe me, it does not solve my heartache for her in the least. The pain is still very fresh. But there has been a lot of healing that has come with this baby. It honors the baby we lost. I so wish everyone could experience that when they are ready.

smsturner April 3rd, 2013 08:53 PM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by anothermother (Post 27255851)
For us it came down to, not replacing her, but realizing we had SO much love to give a baby. We realized that no matter how scary another pregnancy would be IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. It's kinda like when a person loses there spouse after many, many years marries again. They don't marry again because they want to replace this person. They marry again because the joy they had with that person was so worth it despite the pain and heartache of losing that person. And to feel any sort of joy like that again was a way to honor them.

It gives me hope. Not to replace my baby. Believe me, it does not solve my heartache for her in the least. The pain is still very fresh. But there has been a lot of healing that has come with this baby. It honors the baby we lost. I so wish everyone could experience that when they are ready.

This was beautiful. It brought tears when I didn't realize I had any more. Thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts.

islandbaby April 4th, 2013 06:51 AM

Re: TTC after a loss ~ how did you make the decision?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by anothermother (Post 27255851)
When we first knew we were going to lose our Everleigh at 17 weeks in December I instantly told DH, and he agreed, that we was done. I didn't want to try again. I couldn't imagine going through morning sickness again, possibly losing another baby, etc. We were already so far out of the baby stage. Starting over was just so overwhelming. That is exactly how I felt right after my D&C.

By the time we found out we actually lost her, I said maybe another year or two. But not right away.

The night we left the hospital after the induction I told DH I wanted to try again this summer. He wasn't so sure. He thought it was too soon for him.

Within a week we both came to the realization we wanted to try again right away. A lot of it had to do with watching DH with our 7 month old nephew. I couldn't imagine just being done with the baby stage after seeing that. And he came to that same realization while holding him that night.

It's super scary. I'm waaaaay more paranoid this time around than I ever was before. And I definitely think we are done after this one because I just didn't realize how hard it would be emotionally. Granted, I realize some of it may be because we did get pregnant again right away. But still.... That is one of the things that worries me so much as well...how paranoid I would be the next time around! I know I worried more with each pregnancy so I can only imagine how I would be with a pregnancy after a loss!

For us it came down to, not replacing her, but realizing we had SO much love to give a baby. We realized that no matter how scary another pregnancy would be IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. It's kinda like when a person loses there spouse after many, many years marries again. They don't marry again because they want to replace this person. They marry again because the joy they had with that person was so worth it despite the pain and heartache of losing that person. And to feel any sort of joy like that again was a way to honor them.

It gives me hope. Not to replace my baby. Believe me, it does not solve my heartache for her in the least. The pain is still very fresh. But there has been a lot of healing that has come with this baby. It honors the baby we lost. I so wish everyone could experience that when they are ready.

Thank you so much for your post and especially this last part! It is nice to hear it from the perspective of someone who has been where a lot of us right now are, but to still be able to find so much hope and positive in the future!


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