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Angel_Maker July 5th, 2008 03:38 PM

:angry2: But I'm almost at the point of using it to describe my feelings towards my in laws!!!!

Ok, it's a long story, but basically, I don't have any contact with my in laws anymore since the boys died :unsure: DH's family was extremely UNSUPPORTIVE of everything we went through and at the peak of my depression, I just snapped and things haven't gotten any better since then....( just thought I'd add that I've known these people since I was 10 years old and they have always been like family to me, even before DH and I were married....we always had a great relationship and enjoyed spending time together)


It all started about a month after the boys funeral, actually in was 9.11.07 to be exact....I of course was still devastated, to the point of not being able to function...it was bad, I KNOW this, but it was my grief and that's just how it happened to be....

Anyway, long story short-my FIL and I got into a stupid debate over the importance of having smoke detectors in his house (he was using an AC unit that had caught on FIRE just days earlier and both of his granddaughters were living in the house at the time) I told him I thought it was extremely irresponsible and DANGEROUS to be running the AC if you KNOW it can and will catch fire!!!

Anyway, he got pissed that I would question his intelligence (or lack thereof) so he storms out of the room, only to return 30 seconds later and tell me that my boys are better off dead!! :blink:


Seriously, I about fell out of my chair!! DH started screaming a cursing like a sailor, he was so livid that I thought he was going to start throwing punches in his Dad's direction......needless to say, I've had very limited contact with ANY members of his family since then....


Well, tonite is my nieces 4th Bday party....I of course didn't attend, but sent the gift with DH....now it's not just my choice not to attend..DH's family has made it VERY CLEAR that they don't want me around-but what irks me is that I just got off the phone with DH and he told me some startling news :blink:

Ok, my niece's mother is my BIL's EX wife.....she was caught cheating on him with a guy my BIL worked with (LOOONNNGGG story)-anyway, my BIL now lives with my in laws and has shared custody of my niece.....ok, so DH tells me that my niece's mother and her NEW BOYFRIEND and his kids are at the party!!!

***???? Are you serious????? DH's family won't have ANYTHING to do with me because they didn't *agree* with the way *I* grieved the loss of my children, yet they will WELCOME a woman who treated their son like CRAP and embarrassed him in front of his family, friends, and co workers in to their home along with her BOYFRIEND and his kids?????


I'm their son's WIFE for crying out loud!!! I have never done anything like that to DH, yet I am not welcome in their home :angry2:

It just pisses me off and makes me question if I could EVER let my children interact with such HORRIBLE people!!!!!!

I'm sorry I just HAD to vent....I'm trying to AVOID bringing it up to DH when he gets home <_<

*Lana* July 5th, 2008 03:58 PM

You poor thing! I literally gasped when I read what the FIL said to you!
You have been through enough and definately do not deserve to be treated like this.
Family support is important, but you are better off without them if they are like this.
Stay strong!

Jessa78 July 5th, 2008 04:16 PM

Brandi, I am so sorry that you have to add this stress to everything else you are already facing. Your FIL was absolutely hateful & immature and if your MIL is taking his side after such despicable behavior, then you are better off without both of them in your life. I feel sorry that your DH has to deal with them. Their actions and words now will come back to haunt them later, though. It may take a while but they will regret the decisions they are making today to divide their family in the name of stubborn, wrongful pride.

I'm sorry, hon. It's their loss. Truly.
:dothug: :dothug: :dothug:

wishing July 5th, 2008 04:41 PM

wow I can't imagine how that must hurt. I never got along with my ex mother in law and it always tore me up when my DH was going to visit her. I really hope that you are able to find some peace. You have been through so much with out having to deal with such hurtful and hateful word from your FIL.

mama2Hannah&Leah July 5th, 2008 04:51 PM

That is just awful what your FIL said, my jaw literally dropped when I read that.

If I was in your situation I don't think I would have been able to hold myself back from physically attacking my FIL. It is unbelievable that your in laws were not supportive of you and your DH. You should not have to deal with people like that, whether they are relatives or not.

I have had some issues with certain parts of my family over some terrible things too, and while it is hard I have just had to shut those people out of my life.

I'm sorry you are having to go through so much, after what you have already been through.




DoulaMama July 5th, 2008 05:24 PM

:dothug: I'm so sorry you've been treated so poorly.

I've had a similar situation (not quite as bad, but hateful and hurtful none the less) and what helped us get through this was DH and I having a united front. He made it clear to his mother that he would not have a relationship with her if she could not be respectful of us. She doesn't like it, but she knows if she wants to be a part of her sons life she will have to respect and honor the fact that I am his wife, and both of us will demand that respect.

If she does not continue behaving appropriately, she will not be allowed around our children, and Rob will not contact her. It is extreme, but for us, necessary.

I hope someday they learn better, and treat you both better. :dothug:

Chatterbox July 5th, 2008 09:09 PM

*passing the bucket of beating sticks to Brandi* Now go kick some serious A@!

I'm so freaking angry for you right now. That is just absolute BS and I would like to beat the crap out of them for you. How horrible of a thing for them to ever say to you regardless of anger or anything like that. I probably would have hurt them at that time. Asher and Noah are your babies and you and your DH went through a lot with that. I think y'all did the best you could under the circumstances and I admire and commend y'all for that. I couldn't begin to imagine the pain you went through and still experience. :dothug:

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with my DH going without me because that would just fuel their abilities to exclude you and treat you like that. I'm horrified that they are acting like that. I would discuss it with your husband. Some people just feel that they are entitled to say whatever the heck they want and get by with it. Are you okay with your DH being involved in family activities if you aren't invited or welcome? In my opinion, someone who would ever say something like that about my children would never be welcome around any future children or allowed in my home.

:dothug: :dothug: :dothug:

amberrose22 July 5th, 2008 11:46 PM

That's just horrible hon. Sometimes I'm glad DH isn't close to his mother. He would choose me a million times over his own mother, but she's not a very good person. I just wanted to give you lots of :dothug:!

Angel_Maker July 6th, 2008 05:40 AM

Thanks girls :wub:





Quote:

*passing the bucket of beating sticks to Brandi* Now go kick some serious A@!

I'm so freaking angry for you right now. That is just absolute BS and I would like to beat the crap out of them for you. How horrible of a thing for them to ever say to you regardless of anger or anything like that. I probably would have hurt them at that time. Asher and Noah are your babies and you and your DH went through a lot with that. I think y'all did the best you could under the circumstances and I admire and commend y'all for that. I couldn't begin to imagine the pain you went through and still experience. :dothug:

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with my DH going without me because that would just fuel their abilities to exclude you and treat you like that. I'm horrified that they are acting like that. I would discuss it with your husband. Some people just feel that they are entitled to say whatever the heck they want and get by with it. Are you okay with your DH being involved in family activities if you aren't invited or welcome? In my opinion, someone who would ever say something like that about my children would never be welcome around any future children or allowed in my home.

:dothug: :dothug: :dothug:[/b]
Tami, I'm really not OK with DH going without me...and I actually did end up saying something to him about it last nite. I told him that by going without me, he is showing them that "nothing is wrong"....The last time I *tried* to make an appearance was at his Aunt's house on Mother's Day...the ONLY reason I went was because **I** was having such a difficult day and NEEDED my husband....but I knew he was going to go with or without me..so I went....

Anyway, NOBODY talked to me!!! No one hugged me, no one asked how I was holding up-NOTHING!! No one even ACKNOWLEDGED that I was a grieving mother without her babies..... :unsure:

I don't know what's to come of this....I want to sit DH down today and decide HOW to handle this...I refuse to let my children in the presence of people who do not respect me....not only that, but it will PISS me off if they try to act like they just adore my children, when they didn't show an ounce of love for Asher and Noah :angry2: In my mind I think, I can you love my future children, if you couldn't even love the boys????

Anyway, I'm just rambling...but thank you for seeing things from my perspective...I'm happy that I'm not the only one that sees something wrong with the situation!!! :dothug:



mrsapexpredator July 6th, 2008 06:13 AM

Girl....... Me and FIL would have gone to blows! You should not have to deal with that. I think you and DH need to talk and if the family cannot accept you then DH shouldn't go to the get togethers. You 2 are a team. They either accept both of you or none! Good Luck and GMP! :)

Chatterbox July 6th, 2008 07:01 AM

Quote:

Thanks girls :wub:
Tami, I'm really not OK with DH going without me...and I actually did end up saying something to him about it last nite. I told him that by going without me, he is showing them that "nothing is wrong"....The last time I *tried* to make an appearance was at his Aunt's house on Mother's Day...the ONLY reason I went was because **I** was having such a difficult day and NEEDED my husband....but I knew he was going to go with or without me..so I went....

Anyway, NOBODY talked to me!!! No one hugged me, no one asked how I was holding up-NOTHING!! No one even ACKNOWLEDGED that I was a grieving mother without her babies..... :unsure:

I don't know what's to come of this....I want to sit DH down today and decide HOW to handle this...I refuse to let my children in the presence of people who do not respect me....not only that, but it will PISS me off if they try to act like they just adore my children, when they didn't show an ounce of love for Asher and Noah :angry2: In my mind I think, I can you love my future children, if you couldn't even love the boys????

Anyway, I'm just rambling...but thank you for seeing things from my perspective...I'm happy that I'm not the only one that sees something wrong with the situation!!! :dothug:[/b]
I'm glad that you talked to him about it. Sometimes it takes the men a little longer to understand that their actions enable them to behave the way that they do. I think it's a good plan to sit down with your husband and figure out how to handle future situations. They would need to do some serious crawling on their hands and knees and begging to get my forgiveness for what they said. Be prepared to watch them act like they adore your children, even after what they said and how they behaved about Asher and Noah. I really believe that some people think that by just pretending it didn't happen, yet blaming the person who was innocent, will just make things better. Then again, they probably don't feel they did anything wrong. *insert words that I'm not allowed to use on JM*

I completley understand ILs that aren't so great. My MIL used to like me before DH and I were dating. After that, she was okay at first, but once we were engaged, it went downhill. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't speak to him for three days after he told her about being engaged because he told her if she didn't have anything nice to say, not to say it at all. She was ugly about things when it came to our wedding. She would say things to me and I would tell DH and he would ask her and of course, she would deny that she said it. I finally just stopped telling him because I think she was trying to get us to fight. She does things around me that are subtle and rude, but obvious to me and others. For example, we were at WalMart getting something last year and we were walking by the maternity clothes and I said something about how cute a shirt was. She walked over and was touching it and I finished by saying it was too bad that it was a maternity shirt. She got all freaked out and looked for a place to wipe her hands, then said she wasn't going to wipe them on me because we didn't need that. Anyhow, I got POd and asked her why she was concerned because wasn't she fixed?? I don't usually act like that either because I'm very nonconfrontational. Even when I was diagnosed with cancer last year, I didn't get a phone call from her. Nope - I don't even think she called and really asked how my hubby was doing with all of it or not. He said that she asked about me, but what, she couldn't ask me herself?

It's taking DH years to start getting what I'm saying. I have MANY stories there. Take my word for it, when I say I try, I really try with her. I'm super nice, I never keep DH from seeing his family or anything. However, once this baby gets here, things will change if she can't be nice to me or respect our relationship. I tell you this so that you know you aren't alone in how people behave or how you feel. I know what I have experienced is NOTHING compared to the pain of what your ILs said to you. I'm truly sorry that you have to go through that at all. Remember, that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I think you are one strong lady Brandi! Keep your head up and remember that again soon, you will be blessed with a baby to hold and fill your home and heart with even more love and laughter. :dothug:

~Andrea~ July 6th, 2008 07:07 AM

Brandi, I am so sorry. I knew you had problems with your in-laws, but I didn't know the story. I am appaled and shocked that someone would say something like that...and it is even worse that is is "family". And, that comment can't even be described by your FIL grieving because he would have/should have apoligized for it since then. (And even that wouldn't be enough)

My mother has a similar situation, but with her own parents. They didn't respect my father, and treated my parents terribly. I was 3 years old the first and last time I saw them. (Obviously, I don't remember them) My mom stopped all contact with her parents, which let to zero contact with her brothers and sisters as well.

Hammie_Bug July 6th, 2008 08:56 AM

Holy crap! I think I woulda shaken the stupid right outta that man... Makes me angry that there are people out there who are really that dumb and hateful! I wouldn't let my future children anywhere near them!!!
I'm glad you talked to your hubby and let him know your not ok with this!


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