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-   -   Sara's TTC #1 Journal (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f352-ttc-journals/2645916-saras-ttc-1-journal.html)

sarav April 25th, 2013 08:37 AM

Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Hello. My name is Sara. I am 29 yrs old, 30 in May. I was once a part of JM years ago when I was with my ex. I was a part of the blended family board and divorce and separation board.

I had my first miscarriage in Feb 2006. I had gotten pregnant on BCP while my ex and I were dating. Although I didn't plan to get pregnant, I was very excited. My ex had a 2 yr old from a previous marriage and I just wanted to be a mom to my own. I started spotting at 11 weeks and went in for an ultrasound. They said there was no heartbeat and it looked like the fetus didn't survive past 9.5 weeks. I was the first woman in my family to knowingly experience a miscarriage. I was devastated. I worked in a day care chasing after 18mo-24mo olds and then worked short shifts at a fast food place. I thought running after the kids and/or my hot baths to relax killed my baby. I was married from May 2006 until April 2010. I had 2 more miscarriages around 6 weeks within that marriage. My ex was constantly working on the road and cheating on me. I finally had enough and filed for divorce Feb 2010.

I met my current DH online after I filed for divorce. We began dating before my divorce was finalized, but the finalization was just a paperwork thing. My marriage had long been over. I stuck around so long for my step-daughter, not for my ex. So, Paul and I began dating and it was instantly obvious that this man was different than any other man I had dated. Within 2 months, I knew he was the ONE. I let him know that I was born to be a mom and always thought I would have my family complete by 30. I let him know that I was interested in finding happily ever after and at least trying to start a family by 30. If he wasn't on board with that, then we weren't meant to be together. He jumped on board my crazy train :p. After 4 years of a bad marriage, I knew a catch when I found him. Even though I basically lived with him after 5 months of dating, DH insisted I keep my own apartment and my own space. After a year of dating, I officially moved in March 2011. We got married in October 2012.

DH has been with me through the worst 2 years of my medical history. He is my ROCK. He says he has no problem taking care of me because one day the roles may be reversed and he knows I will take care of him. After my blood clot in August, life changed for me. I was terrified of what I ate and what medicine I took. I was terrified to get another clot. The clot damaged my veins, perhaps permanently. My leg is not as swollen as it was, but it is not normal. It could take years to go away, if ever. My first positive test for antiphospholipid came in December. They were focusing on this one because it is known to cause miscarriages. It takes 2 tests at least 3 months apart coming back positive before a diagnosis was made. APS is an auto-immune clotting disorder where your immune system doesn't recognize part of the blood and attacks it. It's also known as "sticky blood". My family has immune problems, so although I held out hope, I knew the chances of having this were strong.

In late February/early March of this year, my period was late. My doctor STRESSED that I could not get pregnant on my blood thinner pills, and if I even THOUGHT I might be pregnant, I was to call him immediately. I called in a panic when my period was late. I was to wait a few days and POAS. As much as I was terrified of getting pregnant on my blood thinners, I was also becoming excited. I POAS and it was negative. I told DH that even though we weren't trying, it was still disappointing to get that negative. I rely on my AF to tell me I am not pregnant, not get my hopes up and have a test tell me so. My period started the day after.

In March, the 2nd test came back positive. There was the most likely explanation for my miscarriages. Clots formed in the placenta and my baby was deprived of what it needed to survive. I will be on blood thinners for life. With a previous blood clot and a clotting disorder, I am at high risk of another clot. Since DH and I had been talking about actually TTC soon, the doctor switched me to Lovenox injections because they don't cross the placental barrier to hurt a fetus. Normal prophalatic frequency is once a day, but since I have a history of a clot, I was put onto the twice a day frequency. This took extra authorization to be covered by insurance, but it is. I will now be on twice daily injections throughout TTC, throughout pregnancy, and 6 weeks postpartum.

I HATE needles. DH recorded the first injection and the ordeal. I was pathetic. "you do it, no I will do it, no you do it", crying cuz of my fear and laughing at how pathetic I felt. This is also an injection that has to go into fat, so stomach, underside of thighs or underside of upper arms; stomach is recommended. After 5 weeks, I have bruises on my stomach and lumps. The medicine also burns once it's in. It's just not a pleasant ordeal. For most weekends now, I have a pity party for myself. I get depressed and cry at how much I go through just for a baby. "Why oh why is it so easy for some people and not me?". This is slowly getting better.

I started taking my temps mid cycle last month. It was not easy to remember, so I missed the initial temp bump after ovulation. This month I have been temping everyday and started using OPKs. I had my consult with my ob-gyn regarding conception and pregnancy. She was wonderful. Now it's the wait to get pregnant next cycle. I am trying to keep faith that it will happen quickly because the longer this takes, the longer I have injections. In the back of my mind is the reality that this could take a while to happen. I am not ready to accept that yet. I've had my heart broken with the miscarriages. I've had my heart broken with medical problems. I just don't know how many more months of heart break I can take. I am tired of being disappointed by my body.

butterfly721 April 25th, 2013 12:13 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Welcome to journaling! Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I look forward to getting to know you.

This is a great group of ladies. Everyone is very supportive. You will get some great advice. Can't wait to read more of your journal!!

momology April 25th, 2013 12:20 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Thanks so much for sharing your story and starting a journal!! Sounds like you are having a rough start to TTC but have a good plan in place now. I am so sorry for all you have been through and I hope that with your new plan you will get your sticky BFP soon!!

Look forward to getting to know you!! Fx for you! :dust:

AshleyO April 25th, 2013 01:19 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Welcome back to JM! I hope you get your BFP soon! I hate needles so I understand and I couldn't imagine having someone tell me to stick myself in the belly!! UGH! Sounds like you have a great support system! Good luck to you.

ImALittleTeaPot April 25th, 2013 07:16 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Thank you for sharing your story! I have found journaling to be so therapeutic, and these ladies to be great advice givers and shoulders to cry on.

Good luck as your journey continues... we're in your corner, Sara! Hoping you get your BFP and super sticky bean soon!!!

SmilingSam April 26th, 2013 09:07 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Wow! You are a strong, strong woman! :bighug: for everything you have had to endure. I am hopeful that now you have identified what's been causing your health problems you can really have the pregnancy you have dreamed of :heart:

We are all hear fro you. :)

Nicholle ttc April 30th, 2013 07:08 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
Sorry Sara, I thought I already posted...:welcome: to journalling! So sorry about the clotting issue. :hug: GL and KUP!

sarav May 6th, 2013 10:24 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
As the end of this cycle approaches (not sure when AF will show since I ovulated late), I find myself getting more and more anxious. We will start TTC and the excitement has given way to anxiety and fear. I guess it can be an exciting time for some, and I feel somewhat robbed that my situation isn't like that. Having had multiple miscarriages and now having injections twice daily, I am really getting nervous "what if I don't get pregnant?" Although my hematologist thinks my newly found clotting disorder was the reason for my previous miscarriages, he can't say for sure.

All this past weekend I felt on edge, like I could cry at the drop of a hat or bite someone's head off if they annoy me. I didn't know why. I have family stress going on, but it shouldn't be causing this emotion. Then it hit me yesterday. I am getting really scared about TTC. DH and I cuddled and talked it out. I just started crying "I'm scared to TTC cuz what if I can't get pregnant?" He said he has some of the same fears from his side. "What if after all the reassuring that we can get pregnant cuz now the time is right, everything is right, but the reason we don't get pregnant is his fault?" Huh. I never realized he was worried about that.

My first full cycle of charting has been my most abnormal cycle since I was taken off of BCP in August. I think DH and I will just BD often to try to make sure we catch the egg next cycle, no matter when I happen to ovulate. I think the sure way to make BD fun and not an appointment is to try to make it a date night, not something we have to squeeze in. We need to devote time to each other for dinner, movie, etc. and see if that helps set a mood for BD.

My gosh. Although typing this helps, I still feel like I have a rock in my gut and want to cry. How do I cope with all this emotion?

butterfly721 May 6th, 2013 01:10 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I feel like I can relate to the feeling of anxiety. I want to just be excited about TTC, but most of the time, I just feel really anxious. I'm envious of people who feel excited all the time. I keep second guessing myself and getting nervous.

momology May 7th, 2013 07:16 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
TTC is very much an emotional roller coaster and everyone has to cope with the emotions that come along with it in their own way. My main outlet is talking everything out. Admitting that I am nervous or scared to my DH, friends, and the wonderful ladies of JM. I feel like you are already taking steps in the right direction just by knowing how you feel. We will be here to support you though everything as you go - but make sure you keep taking care of yourself too. Try and treat yourself to things you enjoy that relax you. Maybe reading a book or taking a bath or a mani pedi whatever it is you really enjoy. I also think making BDing romantic sometimes instead of an appointment is a great idea. Romantic time with the DH always helps me relax.

:bighug: I am sorry you are feeling so anxious. Sometimes just thinking about the reason we go through all of this helps to get me through.

Boolajoojoo May 7th, 2013 10:50 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
:bighug:

I hope everything goes smoothly, you are one tough lady, I will give you that.

I'm very sorry to hear about your previous losses, but glad to hear you have figured out the most likely cause, and it sounds like your chances are really good now with your treatment plan, however much of a pain it may be it will be worth it. Prayers, positive thoughts, and best wishes for you TTC this cycle, and I hope you are able to calm your nerves, and have some romantic BDing soon!

sarav May 8th, 2013 09:14 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I am not one to handle stress well at all. It eats away at me. So right now I am still in a funk over the TTC stuff and also now trying to figure out when I have to fly from Dallas to Boston to meet movers who will be packing and moving my grandmother's apartment (she is already here now). I will either have to fly out the weekend of May 18th or sometime in June. I am waiting to hear back from the landlord on whether they will release her from her lease, if June will be covered by security or not at all, etc. I hate having a bunch of stuff to do on weekends. I end up feeling like I am running around and not relaxing. I have to stay at my parents' house Thursday night and Friday morning to care for my aunt and grandmother while my mom has a full body PET scan. Then Mother's day weekend needs to be split between DH's mom and my mom. My mom would completely use it against me in the future if I didn't go over (I love her, but she is definitely manipulative). I am hoping that DH's mom isn't going to want any special attention. Then my 30th birthday is over memorial day weekend. I am tempted to just buy a cake for myself and stay home cuz I really don't feel like celebrating at this point, not to mention that most of our friends won't be around at all.

I need to see my therapist soon. I know when I feel that pit in my stomach, I have been bottling way too much emotion inside.

butterfly721 May 8th, 2013 12:42 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I'm not good at handling stress either. I bottle up everything inside and it eats away at me. Talking to others who are TTC and understand what I am going through helps a lot, though.

sarav May 9th, 2013 10:30 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
So I got a call from my mom yesterday that I need to take my grandmother to my house. She cannot stay. My mom, master manipulator, was going on and on about a situation and how she is ready to call the police to have my grandmother committed for evaluation. I drop everything and rush over there from work. I spent 4 hours talking to them, trying to mediate a situation that I should not have been called about if those two grown women could handle their temper tantrums. At least I was able to finally voice my opinions about both of them without retaliation because I was the only SANE grown up in the room. "yes grandmother, you have memory issues and CANNOT be relied on to take care of your own disabled daughter right now. If you don't like that, you can leave but you are NOT taking her with you." "and you mother, you need to figure out constuctive solutions to make this situation work because we are getting NOWHERE with you attacking your mother verbally."

Why oh why do I have to be the grown up here? And I am still fielding the complaint phone calls from my mother today. "she's got an attitude" "she's looking at me like I am lying to her" and on and on. I flat out told them both they are being selfish and that I am supposed to be trying to get pregnant, but this stress is NOT going to allow that to happen.

I have a pit in my stomach. My chest is tight. My throat is tight. I keep wanting to cry and scream. I am on the verge of an anxiety attack, like I am barely maintaining the control over this situation.

butterfly721 May 9th, 2013 11:18 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I'm sorry. :( *HUGS*

momology May 9th, 2013 12:36 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
:bighug: You have so much going on right now - I am so sorry that you are so stressed. It takes a very strong person to deal with all of that like you are. I wish that they could understand what you are going through and try and give you a break. The only advice I have is take a deep breath when you feel like you are losing control and even though they have you crazy busy try and keep some time for you. Make sure you are still taking care of yourself which is so hard when you are busy taking care of everyone else.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this :hug:

sarav May 13th, 2013 08:04 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
CD1....AF has started. I am excited and apprehensive. This will be the first cycle we are TTC. Family is doing ok for the moment. Everyone seemed to be getting along better this weekend. I hope they can figure out how to make the situation work. My mother is still complaining to me, saying "one more instance and she is off to your house", despite the fact that my father says it is getting better.

I confronted my mother with the fact that she is telling my 12 yr old brother nasty stories about my grandmother. I told her it is inappropriate and she has no shiny clean past herself. She's just so hateful towards my grandmother. I get it. She didn't have the childhood she wanted. Neither did I. Like I said, she's no shiny clean mother herself. It's time to let go. She makes comments about my grandmother's short term memory loss like " since she can't remember as well, now I am to blame for things others have done?" I told her "yes, this comes with the territory of memory loss". It's unfortunate, but this is what can happen. Sometimes I just want to say "is this how you want us to treat you when you are her age?"

But at least my father is not travelling for work this week and can help play referee between them. I will be focusing on craziness at work and trying to relax in my free time. I know TTC can be a lengthy process, but I am truly crossing my fingers for a BFP next month and a healthy pregnancy.

momology May 13th, 2013 08:48 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I understand the excitement and apprehension, I have been feeling the same way recently.

I am glad your family has been getting a long a little better. Memory loss is a truly difficult thing for families to endure. Your family is very lucky to have you.

Fx you get your sticky BFP this month. :dust:

butterfly721 May 13th, 2013 12:00 PM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
My fingers are crossed that you get your BFP this month! :heart:

sarav May 20th, 2013 07:52 AM

Re: Sara's TTC #1 Journal
 
I am at CD 8 today. AF ended a couple of days ago. She stuck around with some spotting a few days at the end. I turn 30yo in 6 days. I have a few good friends to help bring in my 30th year. Since DH and I have been together, we have slowly dwindled down in good friends. What used to be a large group of so-so friends is now a small group of best friends. It trimmed a bunch of drama out, especially when one of his girl friends, who I swear was in love with him and didn't like me from the moment I was in the picture, finally decided to stop coming around. I told DH that I had no problem with him spending time with her, but that I would find somewhere else to be during those times.

Anyway, 30...sigh. I am not where I thought I would be in life. I thought I would have a degree, a job I loved, and a loving DH and 2-3 kids. Instead, I dropped out of college before getting my Bachelors in order to get married, suffered 3 miscarriages, divorced a husband and lost a step-daughter, stuck in a job I tolerate because it pays ok and has the best benefits, suffer through on-going medical issues...but at least I have DH. It still amazes me with how different I felt when I met him; different than what I felt for any other man. Getting divorced certainly taught me what I want and don't want...and what a good man doesn't do.

So I may not have my family complete by 30, but at least we are starting to try for our family by 30. I am anxious to see if getting pregnant will be easy or difficult. My previous pregnancies were 1. while on BCP, missed 2 pills and 2. NTNP. I just don't know if my medical issues will make this one harder or not.

Crossing my fingers and toes. I wll start using my OPKs twice a day starting CD 14. Due to not a lot of charting history and a very abnormally long cycle last month, FF predicts ovulation anywhere from CD 17-25.


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