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scared24 January 12th, 2005 06:44 PM

I have sooo many questions right now, and I'm not wanting to talk to anyone about them really, I'm needing an objective opinion.

Here's the situation...I'm 23 years old, 24 next week, and I've recently found out that I am pregnant. First question, I am a smoker, I'm 8 weeks along and smoked about 12 a day until a couple of days ago. I know people who haven't known they were pregnant until month4 and they were doing all sorts of stuff until they found out, their babies were healthy. I'm worried about that, and other things...

I am not married but have known my BF for 10 years. His family is being extremely unsupportive, and has no resorted to talking about me and the baby behind my back. At first they were rude to me, now they're just terrible behind my back. They have said incredible things. My BF really wants this child and is excited but seems to be making no effort whatsoever at improving his situation, to make things easier on us when this baby gets here. He won't improve the situation with his folks, his financial situation, his sense of responsibility seems to be going downhill. He constantly wants to day dream about being a father, but isn't thinking realistically about what "being a father" is going to take. When I try to mention these things he either gets really mad, or he talks baby talk to me and tells me that "it's okay that I'm having mood swings and I'm sensitive right now". HE DOESN'T GET IT!!

I have thought about all of my options and I am concerned about having this child because of our situation. I know it's not the baby's fault, but I still have mixed emotions about it. I am tired of BF's excuses, and don't know what to do about them. I have concerns about "co-parenting" this baby. I don't know what a split family situation is going to do to the child. I'm not from a split family, and I have very few friends who are(I'm from a very small town)...the ones I know that have split families I met in college. so I'm extremely unfamiliar with how a child is reared in that environment.

I'm just very confused right now. I need some advice from someone who has been there, or anyone who can offer some. It's just a miserable situation, and I'm very concerned about bringing a baby into it.

Thanks for listening! All words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated!!

kjomomma January 12th, 2005 07:33 PM

First of all, Hi and welcome to JM. I am Kelly, I am 25 and I am one of the hosts here. Jen will come along later and say hey. Being pregnant unexpectantly is very difficult and is not made easier by unhappy family. You just have to decide what you want and what you want for this baby. and then decide how the father plays into that. some men grow up when a baby enters their life while others are always idiots no matter what you do and what comes along. My dh grows up more and more with each child. and we are on #4. That's not to say that he does not have his moments and yes he is an idiot sometimes. He can be a selfish pain in the @ss but he loves his kids and takes good care of them. you are the only one who knows your bf well enough to quess how he will be in this situation. If you do not think you guys can do this then you need to decide what you can do about it. do you want to abort or give it up for adoption (always my recommendation). You also know his family....will they chill out when they see their grandchild or are they totally dysfunctional? As far as smoking goes. I smoke when I am not prenant but for some reason as soon as I get pregnant it makes me sick as a dog...which is sometimes how I have figured out that I am pregnant. Yes there are some people that have perfectly healthy baby's whether they are smoking cigarettes or smoking crack but then you see other baby's that have major medical problems that could have been prevented had the mother quit her dangerous activities. I am a mother who had 2 children with medical problems and I followed every thing by the book. It aggravates me to see pregnant women smoke and say "oh there are lots of women who smoke and their babies were fine" but that's just my opinion.If there was something I could have done to prevent their problems I would have done it. Not a lecture honestly just an insight. ;) It's hard to quit smoking...I know that. You just have to focus on what's best for the baby. If you have gone 4 days already that's a good start....keep it up! I am not going to start smoking again after I have this baby. (I hope) Please stick around and get to know the ladies here. There are many boards and the people here are awesome when you need some advice or just want to horse around. Let us know how everything goes. sorry so long :D I tend to get on a roll sometimes. :blush: Let me know if I can answer anything else or just if you need to talk.

scared24 January 12th, 2005 08:11 PM

Thanks for the help. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but there are tons of people who are in much worse situations. I have considered abortion and adoption. I know that it's selfish of me but I just don't think I could give my baby up after I carry it for 9 months. On the other hand, I don't think I could abort the fetus at this point I've read all kinds of books and articles and I feel like I'm a little too far along to make that an option.

My parents were not real happy with me, whose parents are extremely happy initially when they hear of this kind of situation. I'm an only child, they certainly hoped their first grandchild would come around in a different way! However, everyone on my side of the family has made concessions and is working toward making this baby a loving home.

BF and his family on the other hand are totally different. They treat BF like he is 10 years old and say that he deserves it because only someone that young and ignorant would put themselves in this situation. They act like their happy one day and not the next. I just can't deal with the inconsistencies. I can't understand why I am more mature than two people who are well into their 50's. It boggles my mind.

BF just wants to day dream and talk about all the fun things that he'll get to do with the baby. Don't get me wrong, I think those thoughts too, and I love to daydream about trips, teaching baby new things, and the nursery, all that "la la" kind of stuff that you fantasize about. I, unlike him, am able to realize that daydreams and love WILL NOT feed and clothe this baby. He's not worried, he thinks we'll get plenty of gifts at the shower. That's greedy and ridiculous of us to rely on that for all our baby needs.

But like I said earlier, he gets sooo mad at me when I say things like that to him. I want to save money and make plans and buy things a little along, so that the stuff from other people will be "an added bonus". He feels no need to make plans until after the baby is here. I'm really glad that he's excited, but I'm not sure if I can deal with his satisfied sense of mediocrity, and his parents inconsistencies.

kjomomma January 12th, 2005 08:26 PM

Just do what you need to do to prepare for this baby and maybe he will follow. I would work and save as much as you can. explain to him that you will not get all you need from your shower and not everyone has a shower...it depends on if some one will throw you one or not. As far as the family goes I don't know what to tell you. Josh's mom has always been ok with the way we do things and we don't talk to his dad. Do you have a job? Does the dad? Having a baby is hard work he is going to have to stop daydreaming one day and take care of his responsibilities. Tell him to get his head out of his butt and face reality. Guys are such jack@sses sometimes. I totally understand you....I can't stand mediocrity either and I hate having to "settle". ((((HUGS))))

scared24 January 12th, 2005 10:31 PM

Once again, I want to thank you for listening and talking me through this! I have a really great family and group of friends that have talked with me, but it's nice to have someone elses opinion and help as well...someone who isn't directly involved!! :smile:

I did have a big talk with him tonight about my concerns and it turned out exactly like I expected, he got mad and started being defensive. However, I kept talking and forced him to listen and he seems to have come around.

I do have a job, I am starting a new one in a couple of weeks though that pays really nice. I am done with college, I went to a very good school (not that that matters) and I am capable of supporting this baby on my own, should I have to. I will be able to save a ton of money until the baby gets here as well, because I'm going to want the extra when the baby gets here. (for random baby things that I think I can't live without, and daycare--UGH!) I am not going to have to do this alone though. He wants the baby and wants to take care of it, and his crazy @ss parents even said that they would help him as much as possible to get the job done.

He works now, not the best job, but it pays his bills. He was planning on just keeping that job until the baby got here, then he would look for a better one. However, I convinced him tonight that it was a horrible idea to settle for that when the situation could definately be improved on.

Hopefully everything we discussed tonight will have soaked in, or I'll just have to wring his little neck!! :D We'll just have to wait and see though. I do have a plan, just in case he's unable to financially support this baby to the point that he needs to. I do want him to be a part of the baby's life, he's a great person and I would never want to deprive him or his child from that relationship.

His parents and I will have to negotiate putting some tape over their mouths inorder for them to be able be with the child...they're not allowed to talk bad about me around the baby!! Oh...I totally left this out, they're very religious...VERY...almost cult like, and they keep telling me that I shouldn't forget that I will have to pay for this eternally...but not to worry, they won't make the baby pay for the sinful way it was conceived. They've said that about 50 times already which makes me think that making the baby pay is EXACTLY what they will do. I told them that I couldn't wait for the night that I could lay my head down on my pillow and know that I was the most perfect person on this Earth, just like them!

Sorry I talked so much---again!! When is your baby due? Boy or Girl? I have quit smoking, and I'm going to stick by it, I can't promise after the baby's here though--I just won't smoke around the baby!! Have you had a good pregnancy? Thanks again for listening!!

Fallen2Love January 13th, 2005 04:15 AM

I'm not PG, but my b/f sounds alot like yours. Hes like I want to have a baby blah blah blah not worrying about the money. Since niether of us is the best off finicialy however being 23 he does have a really good job [makes more than my mom, and shes been in the med. field for the last 19 yrs].

kjomomma January 13th, 2005 02:01 PM

Well I am glad you guys had a talk. Don't worry about what his parents have to say. I am a christian but before that I had 2 kids out of wedlock and honey when I lay my head down at night I have no worries about that. It makes me angry when people try to push their beliefs on others. I would tell them that your baby has done nothing wrong so why would they take it out on him/her????? that's crazy! Some people just have to take everything to the extreme. It's good that financially you can take care of this baby on your own. But if your bf is gonna get his act together then that is even better.

I am having a girl. she is due in march 22. This makes 1 boy and 3 girls. Her name is Rayanna Moran. I have had a pretty normal pregnancy. I have had a lot of swelling and have developed carpal tunnel synrome and some nerve damae in my arms b/c of the swelling and the lifting I have to do at work ( I am a nursing assistant) but other than that no problems. There is a spot on the babys liver but they have stopped running tests on me and they are going to wait until the baby is born and do an ultrasound. sometimes inlaws have a way of coming around later. my mil and i did not get along for a long time but now we are very close. Not everyone is as lucky as i am to have a super cool mil though. I hope you stick around here. check out the other boards. when are you due??? we have due dates clubs. find yours and check it out. also on the other board I host there is a listing of companies that send out coupons for baby products. Many of these companies will send publications related to your pregnancy so they are worth signing up for now and then you'll get money saving coupons when the baby gets here. The link to frugal mommies is in my siggie and the list is stickied at the top. Like I said...Stick around!!!!

nat81 January 13th, 2005 03:22 PM

Hi! I was also 23 when I got pregnant unexpectantly. I am now 24 and having my baby in May. Like you, my now fiance's family wasn't very supportive in the begining (we weren't engaged at first). His mother even swore when he told her! Then she was worried we wouldn't have enough money and accused her own son of being selfish when it came to $$$. Well, he really isn't and we only spend on what we really need and when the baby comes we'll just be even more careful.
Anyway, his family has become a lot more supportive now (mostly his mom, the others didn't really have a problem with it) and everyone is excited. My family never had a problem with it, on the other hand, so that made it much easier for me.
It looks as though you have really thought this through and you are obviously very intelligent so I think you'll be just fine! Try to enjoy your pregancy... that's something I had to learn to do... because it truly is a wonderful thing:)


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