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-   -   Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice! (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/1462697-pregnant-3rd-child-husband-wants-abortion-need-advice.html)

jenn5544 March 4th, 2009 12:43 PM

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I am 7 weeks along. It was a complete shock. We were using contraceptives and it was the farthest thing from my mind. Prior to this, Hubby and I had both agreed that we did not want any more children...at least right now. We have a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 16 month old boy. They are wonderful, the love of our lives, and we felt we had our hands full enough that a third child would not be contemplated anytime in the near future.

So fast forward to now. There are a lot of issues. The marriage was not going so great before this news. My husband is very pragmatic and feels that we should terminate the pregnancy because it will be too much to bear on top of what we're already dealing with (marital stress/problems - mostly around expectations and communication - no affairs or anything like that). I've decided in my heart that I cannot terminate the pregnancy. Hubby says that while he STRONGLY prefers we terminate the pregnancy, that he will support me if I feel that strongly about keeping it. I respect that he has an opinion, and I respect that he's being honest about his feelings. I AGREE with him on ALL of the issues and all of the reasons why the timing is so wrong. Yet I can't terminate the pregnancy, even though I know that's what he wants.

That all said, I know my husband has said he will stand by me, and that he will love this child. However, I can't help but worry that he will resent me deep down, and that it may cause a rift between us. I worry that he will blame me for every difficult situation that arises after the baby is born.

I should mention his mom and sister both had abortions when faced with unplanned pregnancies (all while married, all for subsequent children), so I think part of it is that my husband just fews this as a pragmatic way to solve a problem. He doesn't feel emotionally attached and says it's not a baby yet. I know his family is going to agree with him and pressure me as well, which is why I haven't told them yet.

Has anyone out there decided to keep an unplanned pregnancy that the husband didn't want? Any issues with long term resentment or rifts??? I do love my husband and I know we didn't plan this, but I just can't compromise on this one. Having two children already, I know I will be able to make it work.

Thanks,
Jenn

Jessica C March 4th, 2009 12:53 PM

I'm sorry I can't help with the unplanned pg part when it comes to how feelings are being and are going to be dealt with. I can suggest an open adoption. With an open adoption you can still be involved with the child, how much depends on the agreement between you and the adoptive parents. DH and I have been ttcing for over a year now and are now looking to find a birthmom, so I've been doing a lot of research on the adoptive parent end. There are so many couples that would love to adopt because they aren't able to have any of their own, us included. So, before you go as far as termination, please consider that possibility.

Loving6 March 4th, 2009 05:51 PM

I don't understand how he could resent you be/c he layed down and made that baby too.It is a life,he needs to get educated on the process of abortion and learn it is not a form of birthcontol as his family had used it(or should I say abused it).I hope the best for you and he will love this baby like he loves the other two you have...plus schedule him a vasectomy.

JT_Mama March 5th, 2009 04:14 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
I completely understand how you are feeling. I told my baby's father that I will think about abortion. Like you, I completely understand and agree with all the issues he feels justify an abortion, but I know in my heart that I won't be able to do it. I am only 4 weeks along and already have feelings for my baby. I know I can take care of the child and the only issues are caused by the fact that the father and I are no longer together. I really want to have this child and have actually been feeling happy about it finally.... but I feel like I have to give his feelings some thought - so I told him I would consider abortion. I think deep down he knows that I am not going to go through with that, but I have to tell him soon that I made up my mind. I hope things work out for you.... Its my first and I am terrified.

katebaby8 March 11th, 2009 11:18 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
I'm 17 and I think I'm pregnant. Our condom broke after he ejaculated. At first he didn't want to keep it because we are youg and concerned about money. But now he says he does and I told him I do not believe in abortion. I would never do it. I understand where you are coming from because I felt the same way too. That he would say I ruined his life.

vitaboheme March 12th, 2009 09:31 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Hi Jenn,
I am so sorry to hear that this has been so difficult- more stress at a time when that is really not what you need. I have never been in the situation myself, but a close friend has, and she has had trouble coping with the decision that she made (she terminated).

If he truly does understand your feelings and will support you in your decision not to terminate, he will need to stand up to his mother and sister as well- regardless. Hopefully they will have the grace not to try to pressure you into doing something that so obviously is not something you want, but should they, he needs to stand by you and the child that you created together. You are a family, and the two of you make the decisions that govern your future- not his mother or sister or their past actions and decisions. Your husband has indicated that he is sensitive to your feelings, and that is a good start. Now it is a matter of where you go with this- together.

Are you in counselling for your marital problems? It appears from your message that you are DH are trying to resolve your issues, and that really is commendable. Perhaps with this added circumstance counselling would be a benefit- to give you both a safe, mediated place to talk about the problems with someone that can give you some advice and guidance on how to make it through. I know that some people believe that it's no one else's business, or that the husband is always blamed, or that it is a sign of weakness or inability to seek help, but on the other hand you want to improve your marriage, and you want to do what's best for you family. Perhaps it will give you the peace of mind that, aside from the other issues, your DH will not resent the decision and blame you for things- and if that really is a possibility, perhaps it will help your husband come to a place where that just won't happen.

I really do wish you and your family all of the very best, and I hope that you find a happy resolve for both your new baby, and your marriage.

Loving6 March 13th, 2009 05:58 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Jenn how are you?

Seths mommy March 14th, 2009 11:38 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Lurking, but if you go against your feelings on this youre the one who is going to have the resentment. Its not something you can just do on a whim its something you have to believe in because its something you have to live with the rest of your life. I hope everything works out and that you guys and your babies, however many there are, are all happy.

nz_girl November 12th, 2009 01:44 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
hello. im new to this but am in a similar situation, i have a 6 month old daughter with my partner , and i am pretty sure im preg again just havent got the bottle to do a test, things have been pretty bad between us and i know if i tell him he will certainly suggest abortion. just to let you know i understand totally how you are feeling and wish u all the best what eve ryou decide! xx

rachelliott November 13th, 2009 01:53 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Hi Jenn,
What a tough position you've been put in. Its early days and the thought of another baby is overwhelming and scary. But you can do this! Please don't compromise, this precious baby will thank you in the years to come! Can you do something to encourage your Dh and show him what a good dad he is, to help him get used to the idea and to give him some extra confidence? And remember you've got 8 months till the baby comes, plenty of time to think and plan for this next little one. You'll make it, just as you have done in the past.

Take care xo :)

Hugs to you to nz_girl :)

rachelliott November 13th, 2009 02:01 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
OOPS! I just looked at the date of your post Jenn and realised its not early days. :blush:
Would love to know how you're going

mommy2Breana+Brandon November 13th, 2009 02:40 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
How are you feeling?

Tiffany_KKAS November 14th, 2009 08:58 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
I can understand where your husband is coming from, but I don't really agree.
This babymay actually bring you two together.

My husband Kris and I have 3 kids and we're very young. I'm 22 and he's 25.
And if I was pregnant right now, I'm not sure that I could go through with it. We don't have the money or space for a 4th.

Do what YOU want to do.
Don't let him take your child away from you if you honestly want it. But don't keep it out of spite either.

worthinchrist November 19th, 2009 06:22 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
aww hun please dont get an abortion. there is a reason for everything. there is a purpose for that baby that is growing inside you.

Caelen November 30th, 2009 01:13 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Rather than abortion, if you really really decide that you guys just can't handle a baby, could you consider adoption? Many families out there would love to adopt and there are many agencies that will support you in your decision and help you educate yourself about the process and what yours/the adoptive parents rights would be.

I do agree with two posters that said that it will be you who has resentment if you go against what you are thinking and feeling. From the moment we realize we are pregnant there's a bond that begins to grow, its hard to go against that. And I agree with the statement that abortion is not a birth control as his family has abused it as. Go with your gut and seek people out who will support your decisions, even if part of that support network is women on the message boards.

SoonToBe3 December 3rd, 2009 10:53 AM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
Im new to this side of pregnancy. Both my children were very much planned and hoped for. Im in the same boat as you. I found out yesterday that Im pregnant with my third as well. DH had a vasectomy about 9 months ago and never went back for the sperm count. Now Im pregnant. He was talking about aborting my second baby. This one so far, he doesnt even believe me. Our marriage is on the rocks too, has been for a while now, but more so the last few months. Like you, no affairs or anything, but everything else.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this!

Mrs.Resendez December 3rd, 2009 12:41 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
well personally im new at this whole pregancy thing this is my first child and i didnt plan it but i feel like my husband did it on purpose as far as getting an abortion well i wouldnt do it no matter what my husband wanted you r the one that has to carry it now you dont have to keep it if you dont want to their are pleanty of women who cant have kids that i know who would love to adopt but if you dont want to carry it or anything thanyou need to ask yourself can you live with the fact of knowing that you aborted your own child instead of just keeping it not trying to make you feel bad just want to give you the facts of how you might think after its done but regardless of what your husband syas if he really loves you than he wont hate you for having the baby if you want to

good luck with your decision and hope all ends well for you^_^

Christina226 December 18th, 2009 02:11 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
I don't know if you're going to read this or what's the status on your situation as of right now but I thought I would just say what I feel.

I think what Loving4 said is 100% correct. The females in his family used abortion as a form of birth control and it is NOT. Of course your husband isn't going to think anything's wrong with it because he watched them get abortions. But...this is different.

It IS a baby. It has a heartbeat. There's a reason you got pregnant. Whether or not he's ready (even if his reasons for not wanting this baby are valid) it still doesn't make it right.

I don't believe in abortion but that's not why I'm saying this. I'm saying this because it's what I truly feel. I believe you can make it, like you said you can, and if he has any resentment towards you if you keep the baby then you know what...he's not worth it. I'm sorry but that baby is your blood; he's not. He's your husband, granted, but if he can't stand behind you through this ALL the way then he's not worth your time. I'm sorry if I'm being so blunt.

GL to you.

KamysMommy December 19th, 2009 01:13 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
I was seeing a guy a few years back. And we had known each other for years. And for a while I really thought he ws the one. Then I got pregnant. I too was on contraceptives and I guess God had other plans. As soon as I told him he was like "you know what I want to do, I want you to have an abortion." Of course I felt the complete opposite. I never agreed with abortion. So, for weeks he guilted me and made me feel as if I was ruining his life.. so eventually I gave in and agreed. Deep down he knew how much it was hurting me and how badly I didnt want to go thru with it. Bt he was more concerned with how he felt and how it would affect him. To this day I still dont know why I did it when I knew deep down it wasnt what I wanted. And there are many times I hate myself for it. All I can say to you is fromexperience do what you feel is best for you. B/c if you abort this baby your theonly one emotionally who is gona feel it. And your gonna think about it every day for the rest of your life.. especially if you already havechildren. Hope this helped.. If he loves you hell stand beside you no matter what you choose.

kellysheree December 22nd, 2009 03:25 PM

Re: Pregnant with 3rd child - husband wants abortion - need advice!
 
With my daughter (my first born) her DNA-donater wanted me to abort her. But I just couldn't. I was 19 at the time, and really didn't have any plans for my life, but I knew that this was bigger then me, so I didn't. And she will be 5 on the 29th of the month, and I wouldn't change my decision for the world.

Do what you feel is right. Abortion is not a decision you can take back. Good luck!


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