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-   -   On the edge (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2634100-edge.html)

Julie716 March 12th, 2013 12:41 PM

On the edge
 
I will be 21 yrs in one month my boyfriend of only a couple months will be 23 in Augustt.
I just found out I am about 4-5 weeks pregnant. I always said if I was to become pregnant I would have an abortion but for the last week since finding out u have a hard time even thinking of that option. My boyfriend is very supportive which eve way I decide. But he has just told me that he wants to keep it & be thinks it will be a good thing for both of us. I have two major reasons for thinking of aborting 1 is because I am terrified of telling my parents who live 4 provinces away from me. The only reason I am afraid is because if how disappointed they will be. 2 the other reason being that I have 10,000$ of student loans to pay back.
I have a good job. I work in a hospital bringing in fairly good money for my age. I do not party or waste my money. I have had my own apartment paying my own bills by myself for almost 3 years now.
I know raising a baby costs a lot of money & my boyfriend makes 35000-45000 within his 6 months working & collects unemployment on the off season.
One of my best friends had an abortion & she said its not as hard as I think it would be after (with regret & depression becaus I have a history of anxiety & depression) my other best friend has a 1 year old & getsbalong just fine using social assistance. So I see both sides but I still can't come to a decision & the person I would normally go to for big advice is my mom& I a too afraid t disappoint her & I think she will want me to have an abortion but I want be able to make my own decision before telling her

Any words of advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your time :)

ElliotsMommy13 March 12th, 2013 03:54 PM

Re: On the edge
 
You'd be surprised what parents want.. My mom was happy to find out (despite me being single and not a great job with more student debt than you).. but she's happy she is going to be a grandma. She melted with the ultrasound. It sounds like you want the abortion.. but I'd also consider your boyfriend's feelings knowing it is his child, too.. Maybe he would consider taking the baby by himself if you don't want to??

I have never had a single friend who did an abortion who did not suffer emotionally from it at some point.. and they always wonder "what if".. Either way it is a hard choice. I chose to keep mine. Im almost 20 weeks along and just got an ultrasound today seeing his face, fingers, toes, etc.. also, at 7 weeks I had some bleeding and got an ultrasound then to see if the baby was still there.. and he already had a heartbeat and a head moving around.. Its pretty amazing watching the development.. I'm feeling movement, too.. it makes me melt.

I am so happy about my decision. It didn't take me too long to buy all I need for the baby and now I am focusing on paying off my loans before he gets here. You can do it if you want to.. You sound in a great position.

debs86 March 18th, 2013 10:57 AM

Re: On the edge
 
I am glad that you are seeking advice on this crucial decision. Your son or daughter's life is at stake here. I don't know of anyone that has regretting giving their son or daughter life, giving them a chance. Giving your son or daughter life is aways right. I pray that you will let your son or daughter change your life and give you love and happiness. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, so don't let circumstances dictate whether to give life to your son or daughter. Things will find a way of working out. There are many services, healthcare, daycare and assistance for mothers in need. I will be praying for you and that little one..

Seasaidh March 19th, 2013 02:40 PM

Re: On the edge
 
The answer is in if you feel ready. This will change your trajectory completely - are you ready to invest everything in a little one or are there still investments you need to make in yourself before you can do that? I had my first at 20-21, and I was not mentally prepared for it, and it was very difficult for me and everyone around me - it's something that still affects me 10 years later, but this is my experience; yours will be different.

Only you can know if you are ready and willing. Children deserve healthy parents that have enough spare (mental, material, etc) resources to care for them. I believe you are capable of making it work if you're ready to, but no one who isn't wearing your shoes can make a better judgement as to whether that's the case.

aislin22 March 24th, 2013 11:14 AM

Re: On the edge
 
You sound exactly like me last year. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. I'm 30 and he is 29. We were not interested in kids at all and it was a plan that if I ever got pregnant I would get an abortion. I am 100% pro choice myself. After 12 years of being together and never getting pregnant (we did use birth control off and on) I ended up getting pregnant.

I was so adamant that I was going to get an abortion if I ever got pregnant before this. But the moment I found out I was pregnant everything changed. We were both terrified (even though we are older than you lol) We decided to keep the baby.

I absolutely love my daughter. I am so glad that I didn't get an abortion, but I am still pro choice. Honestly though, It's not always roses and sunshine during an unplanned pregnancy and taking care of an unplanned child. I would never trade her for anything in the world but it was a hard road to get to that point.

Olivia was always well cared for since day one. I want to make that very clear. But It took me about 4 months to bond with her. The whole notion of immediately falling in complete love with a baby as soon as that baby is placed on your chest in the delivery room isn't a given for every mom. She looked at me and I was in shock actually. I had a hard time in the beginning wrestling my emotions. about 2 months after she was born, postpartum depression set in hard.

I am not trying to scare you at all. I do think it would be helpful to know that any emotions you may feel are all normal. I felt scared, alone, angry, happy, joyful. the whole gamut of everything. even if you have a different situation and bond instantly, it's normal. It sounds like you have a great network of support too. Your mom may be angry for a moment that you are pregnant, but I bet you money she will absolutely relish being a grandmother.

It sounds cliche, but things happen to work out after a baby. I don't know how but they do. My husband and I were struggling financially and I have $56,000 of student loan debt myself. Now my husband got a better paying job and I stay at home caring for my LO.

If YOU feel you are ready to give this child a loving and caring home, go ahead and keep the baby. It will be hard at first, but the first time Olivia smiled at me when she was about 4 months old and meant it, made everything I did for her and the sacrifices I made for her all completely worth it. ;) I would absolutely do it all over again.

aislin22 March 24th, 2013 11:15 AM

Re: On the edge
 
You sound exactly like me last year. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. I'm 30 and he is 29. We were not interested in kids at all and it was a plan that if I ever got pregnant I would get an abortion. I am 100% pro choice myself. After 12 years of being together and never getting pregnant (we did use birth control off and on) I ended up getting pregnant.

I was so adamant that I was going to get an abortion if I ever got pregnant before this. But the moment I found out I was pregnant everything changed. We were both terrified (even though we are older than you lol) We decided to keep the baby.

I absolutely love my daughter. I am so glad that I didn't get an abortion, but I am still pro choice. Honestly though, It's not always roses and sunshine during an unplanned pregnancy and taking care of an unplanned child. I would never trade her for anything in the world but it was a hard road to get to that point.

Olivia was always well cared for since day one. I want to make that very clear. But It took me about 4 months to bond with her. The whole notion of immediately falling in complete love with a baby as soon as that baby is placed on your chest in the delivery room isn't a given for every mom. She looked at me and I was in shock actually. I had a hard time in the beginning wrestling my emotions. about 2 months after she was born, postpartum depression set in hard.

I am not trying to scare you at all. I do think it would be helpful to know that any emotions you may feel are all normal. I felt scared, alone, angry, happy, joyful. the whole gamut of everything. even if you have a different situation and bond instantly, it's normal. It sounds like you have a great network of support too. Your mom may be angry for a moment that you are pregnant, but I bet you money she will absolutely relish being a grandmother.

It sounds cliche, but things happen to work out after a baby. I don't know how but they do. My husband and I were struggling financially and I have $56,000 of student loan debt myself. Now my husband got a better paying job and I stay at home caring for my LO.

If YOU feel you are ready to give this child a loving and caring home, go ahead and keep the baby. It will be hard at first, but the first time Olivia smiled at me when she was about 4 months old and meant it, made everything I did for her and the sacrifices I made for her all completely worth it. ;) I would absolutely do it all over again.

left_field March 24th, 2013 09:18 PM

Re: On the edge
 
Give your baby a chance at life.... He/She is a real person..you're her/his mommy...you;d be hurt or devastated if your mom hurt or harmed you in anyway....don't harm your child....they're an innocent being, helpless and dependent on their mommy.......... I pray you choose not to hurt this baby......... will be praying for you

rheaimedved March 26th, 2013 02:55 PM

Re: On the edge
 
As with any decision you make, having an abortion will lead you to asking "what if?" kinds of questions. So will having a child. I've known many people who have had abortions (some have had several) and none of them have "suffered emotionally" from it-- they all viewed it as the best decision they could make for the circumstances and don't wish they could do it any differently (except maybe not get pregnant to begin with). It was their choice to make, just like this is yours; don't let yourself be guilt tripped into going against your instinct-- and I mean that for any decision you choose to make.

You're an adult. You being pregnant is very unlikely to disappoint your parents. Surprise, maybe. By in large, parents love their children and support them. It will help if you have made a decision by the time you talk to them (and, frankly, and abortion isn't really their business, so if that's the path you choose you don't need to talk with them about it at all). On the other hand, if you're close with your mother and value her input, don't be afraid to talk with her about this.

Based on the information in your post, having this child wouldn't be the worst thing (supportive BF, decent income, stable housing situation), and it seems to me like that's what you're leaning toward anyway. Do you have any friends you can trust to talk to about this? There are also counselors you can talk to... it sounds like you're in Canada, which I think has Planned Parenthood (Or, rather, the Canadian Federation for Sexual Health). You can find people there to talk to who will be supportive and informative, but won't pressure you one way or another.

And remember, while you're young and feel unprepared, there is no "perfect" time to bring a child into the world. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to talk to.


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