Completely lost and alone...
I just found out that I am about four weeks pregnant and I am terrified. I am terrified that I will make the wrong choice, even though I guess maybe there really is no right or wrong choice.
I am going to be 37 years old in a little over a week. I have one child. She is graduating high school in less than two weeks and she will be 18 in August. I never thought I would be in this situation. My daughter was unplanned and raising her wasn't ideal. After her father and I separated, he touched her inappropriately and she no longer has contact with him. I always hoped I would be married and sometimes wondered if I would ever have another child. I was in another relationship some months after ending an almost 12 year relationship with my daughter's father. I dated my ex for almost 6 years and then finally called it quits. Our relationship was far from healthy and very verbally abusive. He was always commenting on other women and staying out all hours of the night. I caught him with other women, but never actually caught him cheating. When I finally left him I had a lot of self esteem issues and was afraid I would never date again. I had a lot of trust issues as well, and I was afraid I would just get my heart broken. I was single for almost five months when I started talking to someone that I knew from my school days. We went to junior high together, but at the same time I didn't know him very well and is HAS been along time. He had been trying to get me to talk to him and agree to spend time with him for months, but I kept turning him down. I still had a lot of wounds from my past two relationships and wasn't ready to date or trust anyone. I was also afraid that this man from my past was a player. I finally let my guard down a couple of months ago and we started talking and texting on a daily basis. We even video chatted online. We met in person on four separate occasions. He said all of the right things that I wanted so badly to hear. Then the bubble burst. I saw something on Facebook that didn't seem right to me. I tried to call him with no success. My insecurities got the best of me and I contacted the female that raised my suspicions. She told me that she had just been with him that weekend and that they had also had sex. He had just been with me the first part of the week prior to that. Sunday night through Wednesday afternoon. I felt sick to my stomach. Of course he denied it. After I confronted her I went home and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I've since gone to the doctor and they confirmed it. I don't know what to do. I have a good job, but I also have bills so I'm ok but things will get tight with a newborn. I feel so alone. My only child is practically an adult. Can I really start all over?? By myself??? Emotionally I'm not in a good state. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the end of my last relationship, which led me to make the poor choices I've recently made. And now I don't know if I can trust or believe the man that I am pregnant by. We live 4 hours away from each other. My mother also lives 4 hours away and will soon be moving over 7 hours away. I have no family where I live and few close friends. I am terrified. And the man that I am pregnant by is also mixed, not that it matters so much nowadays, but a lot of my family members look down on that sort of thing. They treated me like dirt when I was pregnant the first time, because I wasn't married. I have a large family and only one of my Aunt's came to my baby shower. This same aunt is the only one who came to see me when my daughter was born. I feel so alone and so ashamed. Having a baby should be the happiest time in a person's life and I'm terrified. I don't know if I can go through with having this baby, but I don't know if I can go through with an abortion either. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Re: Completely lost and alone...
Hi. I am sorry that you are so scared. It will be a hard decision for you to make but in the end you will decide what is best for you sweetie.
My children range in age from 22 to 1.5 years so I understand what you mean about starting over. It is different though. Everything with my daughter is so much different than it was with the boys. And not because she is a girl, but because I have so much more patience now. I am more likely to just let the house get messy and play with her, enjoy her and not let all the little stresses get to me.
As far as the guy goes... ditch him. He is a trainwreck waiting to hurt you worse and just rub more salt in your already unhealed wounds. Please don't think you will be alone forever... Mr. right is out there. You just have to kiss a whole ton of frogs to find your prince. If you settle for this guy that is already lying to you then you are just setting yourself up for another pattern of an abusive relationship.
You seem to base your self worth on what others are thinking about you and your decisions. Take a minute and look at you. You have a good job - I bet you have a ton of other really cool qualities hidden away. It is easy to only see the negative about you when you are beaten down emotionally for so long.
(((hugs))) Take a few days and think about the pros and cons. Write it all out on paper.
Re: Completely lost and alone...
Other people have said this in other situations but I think it's a good bit of wisdom: If you feel right now that you CAN'T see yourself having an abortion then an abortion is most likely not the option for you. You do not have to get an abortion. If you have to convince yourself that it's what you should do then you will have to spend the rest of your life reminding yourself.
Don't worry about what others think or what the man who impregnated you will think. Think only about you and your feelings and your situation. Once you do that and are firm in your decision then nothing outside of yourself will alter what you think you should do for yourself.
Re: Completely lost and alone...
I'm so sorry you're going through this emotional turmoil! It's always an emotional time when you first find out you're pregnant, and the stress you're going through I'm sure doesn't make it easy. Hugs!!
I agree with MerinSun, if you feel conflicted, you should not be ending your pregnancy. I know it seems overwhelming right now, but I challenge you to look at the big picture -- you have a daughter you love dearly that came from an unplanned pregnancy. You will not love this small baby any less or regret this new son or daughter any more than the daughter you already have. You're 37, and many women at that age struggle unsuccessfully for years to conceive -- this is your lucky baby!
I know you feel like you have no support, but here are a few things to think about. First of all, your older daughter will be able to be a wonderful help to you when the baby is born. Second, you may find that you will discover a ne group of friends with young babies that you had little in common with before. Your family also may react very differently than they did when you were pregnant with your daughter, especially since the see that you did just fine. Give them a chance to be supportive -- you might be surprised! Also, I encourage you to join a due date club here on just mommies -- the ladies here are encouraging, supportive, and just plain fun. It's a great resource.
Anyway, as you said pregnancy should be a happy time. Try to let go of your worry and fear about all the reactions of the people you know. Take some time to let it sink in and enjoy your secret. I have a feeling this little surprise son or daughter is going to be an enormous source of joy to you!
Best wishes and keep us posted!
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